Post by happydaze on Nov 3, 2022 2:29:41 GMT
If we love ourselves and feel happy alone or in just platonic friendships, why do we suffer ourselves and others the agonies and the push and pull of romantic relationships as we experience them?
On paper I test FA leaning DA, and at the end of most every relationship I have had, I feel exhausted, full of self-doubt, and full of regret for hurting someone else. And then relieved when it's over, but also haunted by a sense of failure and missed opportunity. But I feel safer again.
Friendships don't make me feel this way, although they are not the most natural thing for me either.
I get why young people struggle with figuring out their attachment issues. They want to bond with a life partner, raise children, etc. I already did all that, and failed at some and succeeded at others.
Part of me still craves the "true love" dream, the Hallmark special that is on re-run in my imagination.
But for reasons known and unknown, it doesn't work for me. Ultimately, it's more trouble than it's worth. I don't like who I am in love or how I behave. And the partners I pick--or who pick me--end up hurt and bewildered too.
I truly believe I am a happier and healthier person when I am not involved in a romantic relationship, which in turns makes me a better friend and citizen with more stability and energy.
I do still delight in flirting and appreciating beauty in the opposite sex. I do still sometimes feel a deep craving and urge to attach, but it reminds me of the mystical crushes I first felt for girls when I was 10 or 11. I think it's just a feeling that I should enjoy like I enjoy the sun shining on my face, not something to pursue to a painful and bewildering end again.
So beyond that, I enjoy my safe little selfish sanctuary of being alone. It gives me energy and a firm footing from where I can be more at peace with myself and also a better friend.
Isn't that okay?