Post by duklaprague on Nov 18, 2022 0:10:46 GMT
So I just found this forum after a sudden and unexpected breakup with a Fearful Avoidant. I’d really love to share my story and appreciate any insights or advice from anyone who has been through anything similar, especially other FAs.
We met back in Nov 2019, so we’re just coming up to three years together. I have always known she had anxiety, but have only been looking at the attachment theory since the breakup after someone said to me that that is what it sounds like.
For background I had been through a tough time having lost both parents and just finishing a divorce when we met. And likewise she had separated from her partner about a year before we met. He was exerting coercive control over her so she removed herself and their two girls from the toxic environment.
When we met, we had been chatting for a few weeks and it had gotten a bit flirty. She lives about 40 minutes from me, so the first time we met I was staying overnight in a hotel so that I could have a drink. We met in a place across from the hotel just outside the town. It wasn’t great so we ended up eating in the hotel. We seemed to really hit it off straight away. Long story short, she ended up coming up to my room and we had sex. However, she didn’t want to stay the night… although disappointed I said that was OK and that I understood. The next morning she messaged me and invited me to hers for a coffee. The point of this bit is that she learnt very quickly that she could trust me to give her space, and I learnt very quickly that if I did, I would be rewarded by seeing the best of her. We spoke a few times about how much of a foundation that first weekend gave us.
So after that we both just made the effort to see each other pretty much every week, usually at hers of an evening. After about three months we both seemed to have caught the Feels. I told her I loved her first, in bed on a weekend away. Her reaction was to dash to the bathroom. Thought I had messed up, but she returned after a minute or two, snuggled in with me… but asked me: “Why would you love me?” (I told her lots of good stuff I saw in her)
From there for the next 18 months or so we continued to see each other almost weekly apart from the first big Covid lockdown, and bubbled after that. I remember at one point she talked about ‘the lovey dovey stuff scaring her’, so we reined it in a bit. But it wasn’t long before it naturally returned. By the summer of 2021 we seemed totally loved up. But I guess for her it wasn’t too stifling as we did have our separate lives, never needed to text every day, and were seeing each other maybe 3-4 times a month, sometimes overnight.
First real bump was Sep 2021 when she came to my town and met some (still quite new to me too) friends of mine. One is very very extrovert so I was doing that thing if having to act quite differently to how I normally would around her. Also, she was heading home that night rather than staying with me. So this is my big regret, and possibly our ‘sliding doors’ moment… but I stayed out after she left, when I probably should have gone back to mine even for 10 minutes before she went home. So in hindsight I think this triggered her fearful side and maybe felt abandoned that night. She messaged me the next day to say she felt that ‘something is missing’ between us. And she had called me a few days before this when I was on the phone to someone else for a while. But a few days later she said she felt better about things, and things seemed to get back to normal.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. By now we were seeing a bit less of each other. Partly because her girls were a bit older and going to bed a bit later. I had never met them because, I assumed, she did not want her ex to hear about ‘Mummy’s new friend’ from them. Her ex had come round to hers in Jan 21, letting himself in with his key that he had for emergencies. He tends to make her life difficult with childcare… letting her down when he is supposed to have them (every other weekend). Basically if she does anything he doesn’t like, he says he’s too stressed to have them, and it’s all her fault for making him feel like that. So still some coercive control type stuff.
When he saw me there he was very aggressive towards me, demanding to know who I was etc and saying some shitty things about her to me in front of her. So we had cone up with an alternative timeline to get him used to the idea we were seeing each other. So still just friends then, me telling her I liked her, that we had been to a few things as friends etc.
So in Sep 22 she had a load of stressful things going on and became unusually quiet. I don’t think I’m too needy at all, and am used to her being quiet due a few days, but this was a few weeks. So I would send a couple if supportive type messages. But even that was enough to add more anxiety, and in her mind make me just another thing that needs her attention when she is already at capacity. And then her ex told her that he was ready to date again, and she said the same. But rather than this be an opportunity to finally tell him we were dating, she said she still couldn’t because she thought he wouldn’t believe we hadn’t been seeing each other all this time and would see it as a betrayal.
And then, even though things still seemed great between us, still making each other laugh, getting on great, sex still amazing…. she ends it. Saying that she still loves me, but feels guilty about not giving me enough, that she needed to refocus on her girls and it wasn’t fair on me to continue. So basically I am totally gutted.
We had a last night together where we talked a lot, her in tears about it all and how futile it was, her ex being a dick still etc. Even though it was like the end, it maybe wasn’t as final as I thought it might be. She had said she would still like to be friends in a text a few days earlier, but then that rather than us have a break, she needed it to at least feel final so that she wouldn’t feel pressure to contact me by a set date at the end of any break. But even then the boundaries didn’t immediately go up… she asked if I had brought my magic hands (code for ‘can I have a back rub’), she whipped her top off, head snuggled in my lap and had a back rub. But when I was leaving afterwards she just said that she ‘probably won’t be in touch for a while’.
I have no idea how long that might be, or if I’ll ever hear from her or see her again. All I can do is give her the time and space she has requested. This is now day 20 of no contact and it’s sooooo hard. I would love her to reach out at some point, but I may cave in a few weeks and send her a message just to say hello with Christmas coming up, that she is never far from my thoughts, that I hope she is OK and I am still here if she needs me.
So that’s my story. As you might tell, although it is almost certainly over, I haven’t quite given up on us yet. Not least because I understand so much more about her attachment style now.
Any thoughts/comments/insight/advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you. (And apologies for all the inevitable auto correct typos in this post!)
We met back in Nov 2019, so we’re just coming up to three years together. I have always known she had anxiety, but have only been looking at the attachment theory since the breakup after someone said to me that that is what it sounds like.
For background I had been through a tough time having lost both parents and just finishing a divorce when we met. And likewise she had separated from her partner about a year before we met. He was exerting coercive control over her so she removed herself and their two girls from the toxic environment.
When we met, we had been chatting for a few weeks and it had gotten a bit flirty. She lives about 40 minutes from me, so the first time we met I was staying overnight in a hotel so that I could have a drink. We met in a place across from the hotel just outside the town. It wasn’t great so we ended up eating in the hotel. We seemed to really hit it off straight away. Long story short, she ended up coming up to my room and we had sex. However, she didn’t want to stay the night… although disappointed I said that was OK and that I understood. The next morning she messaged me and invited me to hers for a coffee. The point of this bit is that she learnt very quickly that she could trust me to give her space, and I learnt very quickly that if I did, I would be rewarded by seeing the best of her. We spoke a few times about how much of a foundation that first weekend gave us.
So after that we both just made the effort to see each other pretty much every week, usually at hers of an evening. After about three months we both seemed to have caught the Feels. I told her I loved her first, in bed on a weekend away. Her reaction was to dash to the bathroom. Thought I had messed up, but she returned after a minute or two, snuggled in with me… but asked me: “Why would you love me?” (I told her lots of good stuff I saw in her)
From there for the next 18 months or so we continued to see each other almost weekly apart from the first big Covid lockdown, and bubbled after that. I remember at one point she talked about ‘the lovey dovey stuff scaring her’, so we reined it in a bit. But it wasn’t long before it naturally returned. By the summer of 2021 we seemed totally loved up. But I guess for her it wasn’t too stifling as we did have our separate lives, never needed to text every day, and were seeing each other maybe 3-4 times a month, sometimes overnight.
First real bump was Sep 2021 when she came to my town and met some (still quite new to me too) friends of mine. One is very very extrovert so I was doing that thing if having to act quite differently to how I normally would around her. Also, she was heading home that night rather than staying with me. So this is my big regret, and possibly our ‘sliding doors’ moment… but I stayed out after she left, when I probably should have gone back to mine even for 10 minutes before she went home. So in hindsight I think this triggered her fearful side and maybe felt abandoned that night. She messaged me the next day to say she felt that ‘something is missing’ between us. And she had called me a few days before this when I was on the phone to someone else for a while. But a few days later she said she felt better about things, and things seemed to get back to normal.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. By now we were seeing a bit less of each other. Partly because her girls were a bit older and going to bed a bit later. I had never met them because, I assumed, she did not want her ex to hear about ‘Mummy’s new friend’ from them. Her ex had come round to hers in Jan 21, letting himself in with his key that he had for emergencies. He tends to make her life difficult with childcare… letting her down when he is supposed to have them (every other weekend). Basically if she does anything he doesn’t like, he says he’s too stressed to have them, and it’s all her fault for making him feel like that. So still some coercive control type stuff.
When he saw me there he was very aggressive towards me, demanding to know who I was etc and saying some shitty things about her to me in front of her. So we had cone up with an alternative timeline to get him used to the idea we were seeing each other. So still just friends then, me telling her I liked her, that we had been to a few things as friends etc.
So in Sep 22 she had a load of stressful things going on and became unusually quiet. I don’t think I’m too needy at all, and am used to her being quiet due a few days, but this was a few weeks. So I would send a couple if supportive type messages. But even that was enough to add more anxiety, and in her mind make me just another thing that needs her attention when she is already at capacity. And then her ex told her that he was ready to date again, and she said the same. But rather than this be an opportunity to finally tell him we were dating, she said she still couldn’t because she thought he wouldn’t believe we hadn’t been seeing each other all this time and would see it as a betrayal.
And then, even though things still seemed great between us, still making each other laugh, getting on great, sex still amazing…. she ends it. Saying that she still loves me, but feels guilty about not giving me enough, that she needed to refocus on her girls and it wasn’t fair on me to continue. So basically I am totally gutted.
We had a last night together where we talked a lot, her in tears about it all and how futile it was, her ex being a dick still etc. Even though it was like the end, it maybe wasn’t as final as I thought it might be. She had said she would still like to be friends in a text a few days earlier, but then that rather than us have a break, she needed it to at least feel final so that she wouldn’t feel pressure to contact me by a set date at the end of any break. But even then the boundaries didn’t immediately go up… she asked if I had brought my magic hands (code for ‘can I have a back rub’), she whipped her top off, head snuggled in my lap and had a back rub. But when I was leaving afterwards she just said that she ‘probably won’t be in touch for a while’.
I have no idea how long that might be, or if I’ll ever hear from her or see her again. All I can do is give her the time and space she has requested. This is now day 20 of no contact and it’s sooooo hard. I would love her to reach out at some point, but I may cave in a few weeks and send her a message just to say hello with Christmas coming up, that she is never far from my thoughts, that I hope she is OK and I am still here if she needs me.
So that’s my story. As you might tell, although it is almost certainly over, I haven’t quite given up on us yet. Not least because I understand so much more about her attachment style now.
Any thoughts/comments/insight/advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you. (And apologies for all the inevitable auto correct typos in this post!)
