Post by jbombjas on Nov 27, 2022 16:57:45 GMT
Hi all,
Met an FA 5 months ago. 2 of those months (in between) he has been working literally around the clock. We dated for a couple months and then, I think he felt pressure from my (non communicated) expectations (well I told him right from the start I wanted a relationship and we waited to have sex) & pushed back saying he doesn’t want a relationship bc he sucks at them. Since we have become this strange kinda fwb/situationship. We love being together. Our connection is undeniable. We have a lot of the things needed for something sustainable (values, opinions on lots, humor, intelligence, money, ethics) But we only really go to each other’s places. He, however, invited me to visit him on his work trip (I did), sometimes (moreso currently) talks of future stuff or traveling together, and has taken me out a couple times of the many nights we spend at each other’s places. Things have progressed. He texts me throughout the day more (every day). Has become a bit more affectionate & warm. And I can tell, really likes me quite a bit. We are both getting to know each other more and both clearly liking each other more and more.
He comes from big T trauma and was married 17 years (10yrs ago) and while I don’t know much of his last gf, he moved in with her within 2 months of meeting. Wow! I suspect that breakup kinda closed him off & hurt him.
All in all he is a really good dude.he shows up. He’s honest. Consistent. Kind. And while it’s hard to tell, I can see that he tries to the best of his ability. And thinks of me often.
It’s just that. I’m sooooo confused. I’m like the girlfriend who’s not a gf. We don’t spend any time together during the day, but when we do, at night, it’s hours. And when we get together everything is about sex to him. Even the excuse for our get together is to have sex. But he knows it’s important we go on a walk first and so we do and we play games together before we get naked. I’d say it’s just sex, but there’s so much more to it than that. But it’s so confusing. And he just can’t communicate a damn feeling or need. He connects through sex and it’s his only way of communicating. It’s also a denial technique I think to keep me at arms length so as not to define anything. And I’m totally ok w not having a label. I don’t need labels. And I see all of this as classic FA. I think he is aware of his attachment style and has done some work on it. His biggest FA trait tends to be that he wants control and doesn’t want to lost his independence (although he has never said that I see it), likes his autonomy and he’s def scared. I’ve read tons and have done all the right things to support him.
I guess I’m here bc while I’m actually quite happy w how things are and how they are progressing, albeit turtle pace w many steps back, I just wonder what others take on this is? And I’m at the point where I need a little more. Just sometimes. Something outside the home. A dinner or date before. Any kind of activity together. It’s not that I even want it a lot but I need proof this is more than sex (even tho I kind of know it is). And any advice on how to communicate/navigate that to him would be appreciated?
Am I just beating a dead horse. I’ve given a timeline of a year to see how things go. I don’t need the label but I do need to see forward progression. He actually kinda knows this. He needs a lot of time. I’m ok w that. But I have needs too. I gravitate between FA/AP but with him actually feel more secure. It’s more that if his heart is closed off to the idea of a relationship, even if he fails for me, will he open his heart to it or shut it down? I do think he practices mindfulness and does work on this stuff. But heck. I’m scared. I really like him.
Met an FA 5 months ago. 2 of those months (in between) he has been working literally around the clock. We dated for a couple months and then, I think he felt pressure from my (non communicated) expectations (well I told him right from the start I wanted a relationship and we waited to have sex) & pushed back saying he doesn’t want a relationship bc he sucks at them. Since we have become this strange kinda fwb/situationship. We love being together. Our connection is undeniable. We have a lot of the things needed for something sustainable (values, opinions on lots, humor, intelligence, money, ethics) But we only really go to each other’s places. He, however, invited me to visit him on his work trip (I did), sometimes (moreso currently) talks of future stuff or traveling together, and has taken me out a couple times of the many nights we spend at each other’s places. Things have progressed. He texts me throughout the day more (every day). Has become a bit more affectionate & warm. And I can tell, really likes me quite a bit. We are both getting to know each other more and both clearly liking each other more and more.
He comes from big T trauma and was married 17 years (10yrs ago) and while I don’t know much of his last gf, he moved in with her within 2 months of meeting. Wow! I suspect that breakup kinda closed him off & hurt him.
All in all he is a really good dude.he shows up. He’s honest. Consistent. Kind. And while it’s hard to tell, I can see that he tries to the best of his ability. And thinks of me often.
It’s just that. I’m sooooo confused. I’m like the girlfriend who’s not a gf. We don’t spend any time together during the day, but when we do, at night, it’s hours. And when we get together everything is about sex to him. Even the excuse for our get together is to have sex. But he knows it’s important we go on a walk first and so we do and we play games together before we get naked. I’d say it’s just sex, but there’s so much more to it than that. But it’s so confusing. And he just can’t communicate a damn feeling or need. He connects through sex and it’s his only way of communicating. It’s also a denial technique I think to keep me at arms length so as not to define anything. And I’m totally ok w not having a label. I don’t need labels. And I see all of this as classic FA. I think he is aware of his attachment style and has done some work on it. His biggest FA trait tends to be that he wants control and doesn’t want to lost his independence (although he has never said that I see it), likes his autonomy and he’s def scared. I’ve read tons and have done all the right things to support him.
I guess I’m here bc while I’m actually quite happy w how things are and how they are progressing, albeit turtle pace w many steps back, I just wonder what others take on this is? And I’m at the point where I need a little more. Just sometimes. Something outside the home. A dinner or date before. Any kind of activity together. It’s not that I even want it a lot but I need proof this is more than sex (even tho I kind of know it is). And any advice on how to communicate/navigate that to him would be appreciated?
Am I just beating a dead horse. I’ve given a timeline of a year to see how things go. I don’t need the label but I do need to see forward progression. He actually kinda knows this. He needs a lot of time. I’m ok w that. But I have needs too. I gravitate between FA/AP but with him actually feel more secure. It’s more that if his heart is closed off to the idea of a relationship, even if he fails for me, will he open his heart to it or shut it down? I do think he practices mindfulness and does work on this stuff. But heck. I’m scared. I really like him.
