I just dont understand the world anymore - DA (breakup) Nov 28, 2022 17:51:37 GMT
Post by lillyxyz on Nov 28, 2022 17:51:37 GMT
Im happy having found this website and I want to share my story because I feel here
are people who would understand or listen and at least know about attachment styles
- whereas a lot of my friends have never heard about it.
After my ex-boyfriend left me, i tried to put the whole, crazy story about us together
and tried to understand why what happened or at least why we behaved like we did.
When I read in the internet i came across attachmend theory and different types and
when I read about DA's i saw my ex-boyfriend so much in every action described, that
it helped me a lot to understand, above all this free-to-attach. Still this are just guessings,
I mean that he is an DA, and i can definitely say I am AP. So now our story:
We've been together for little less than 2 years. Met through online-dating. Things went
quite quick with us in a sense of, we met and then spent just a lot of time with each other
even though we've been having long distance. I was a bit distant in the beginning because
I struggles with huge familar problems since my mum got bad diagnosis the month I got to
know my ex. Also i was afraid of getting hurt, so i kept him a little distant, saying all these
stuff like "lets take it slow" etc., but he put SO MUCH effort in. I never had someone like this,
it was so nice, he always came over, he was so attentive, he always wanted to see me, hear
my voice and so on. After a while i also fell deeply in love, but I think still kept him a little on
a distance, even though Im normally an immense emotional person, I was just afraid of new
relationship. He was the first who said "i love you" after only some weeks, but through a text,
which is funny when you consider that later on in the relationship one problem was always that
he couldnt say he loves me back anymore. So he could only say "i like you a lot", but when
I said "i love you" he sometimes was quite and I never understood, only later understood he was
also afraid then of committing emotionally through words too much. So weve spent all the possible
time together, but things were quite difficult because I was emotional unstable in a sense that
I was crying a lot because of my mum.. it was a tough year. But he was always there for me as
I said, he put so much effort in, he loved me so much, i could feel it but i think i never valued
enough. We had a really difficult love language, i only understood later, while he was showing me
through always beeing there for me and coming over, listening, etc how much he loved me, i
was missing the words because I was used to saying "i love you" very often, so i think at some
point i got a bit frustrated about that, so sometimes this was topic, but i think we forgot it
as well. The thing is since i cried a lot because I was just so sad because of my mum and also
, he always didnt feel good enough. He sometimes said this "I just feel
like i cant make it right" - so it didnt have to do with him but i recognised later he thought so..
anyway, lets come to the sad part.
I always wanted to move together with him quite quickly, maybe after half a year we spoke about it.
I didnt recognise he has a big wound here.. he was in a relationship before with a girl for some years
and they lived together and suddenly she just left him, and he didnt have a home anymore, i mean he
had to move out quickly, and in the beginning he told me, that this was bad for him and he is unsure
about moving together again.. I was a bit hurt because i thought Im not her, I would never do so,
i think i didnt understand his point enough.. so in Winter '22 he had to plan moving out of his shared
flat anyway and he agreed on looking for flats together, we found one after a long time and we
planned everything together, the furniture and so on.. it was not 100% sure when do i get a job
in his city but planned for this year, so he moved in this flat in Feb'22.. In the beginning of 2022
i got a burn out when I was doing an intern in a city some hours away. I had very difficult last years, first caring for my dad who was ill and then 2022 for
my mum and worrying constantly and then work, it was all too much. I was at a very BAD mental state
and i think i changed, so from being independent like in the beginning, i got very clingy and also panicking
a lot, because i got heart problems from the burn out, i was ill for weeks, had fever, this heart problems,
my body just had a break down because of stress and as I said, i then did a big mistake. I just put a burden
on him instead of caring for myself. I was still a very loving girlfriend but very demanding, i know. As in when
i felt very bad i asked him if he could come although i knew he had a lot of stress too like looking for new job,
i felt very bad i asked him if he could come although i knew he had a lot of stress too like looking for new job,
new flat etc. I didnt mean to be egoistic, it was just that I had totally lost myself and he was always so
strong and yes.. as you can see the dynamic totally changed. The thing is he never TALKED about it. He
always did everything, he never complained but what has happened, i can see now, in him during all that,
was that he lost his feelings somehow, that he also got burnt out, because he had a lot to do and problems
and then not talking about his needs...
So turning point was in march. Before he still loved me a lot, i could see it in everything he did and how
he behaved with me. We planned holiday together, we as i said put interior in the flat and he showed
me the flat once i visited him the next time. He told me often how much he misses me and that he cant
wait to see me again. Then march. As i said i was quite ill and talking a lot about it unfortuantely because
doctors didnt know back then it was burn out and with the heart problems.. i was worried all day..
so this one day in march he just changed 100%. It was the first time he rejected my call - the first time
in 1 1/2 years. He would never do that. I was afraid.. he just didnt answer normally anymore. I asked him
whats wrong. I told him, i know you, what happened. Do you wanna break up? Because i could directly
feel that something big happaned within him. But he just said he can not talk about it now. He got more
and more distant. But never said what was the problem. He wanted space but didnt tell me i guess and
thats when my AP kicked in so bad. So i drove all the way like 5 hours to his city.. i didnt tell him, i didnt
want to stress him, i stayes with a friend there and told him some days later, asked if i could come and see
him and talk. He was so angry, i remember, he was never angry with me before but things changed. He said
he cant see me. And this went on then... i saw him in April, i tried to talk to him but then he always said
"I cant talk about it now". He wrote me a mail then. That he just feels like he is always doing everything
for everyone but no one is doing something for him and thats why he doesnt tell his need. And thats when
he just told me his core wounds by not knowing to do so. He said it was too much, he felt like my therapist
the last year and he doesnt know what to do know and how it will continue.
I need to shorten the story now.. So from this day on, so the day he told me what is going on in his mind
and me realising that it was just too much the last year, i tried to change my whole beaviour directly, i wrote
him a long mail, i told him i didnt know and realise i was taking so much from hin because I was so much in
grief and pain bc of my mum. I actually wrote him a love letter, told him what I like and love about him so much.
I never wrote such a letter to someone.
But i felt like i couldnt turn things around anymore. But i didnt go. I felt he got depressive, i tried to convince
him to go to therapy so often but he didnt want to, always had excuses. (I was btw going to therapy already
when we got to know us) - I took myself a second therapist, paid myseld and I was student back then, to
not put anything on his shoulders anymore - i tried to support him, i only listened to him but I was SO afraid.
he didnt tell me what it is - i didnt know does he want to continue or not - he only always said when i asked
for talking about it "I can not talk about it. I need time. I dont feel anything anymore". I felt SO bad because
i though i put him in depression and i think until today thats what he thinks.. he never realised that its also
deepl core wounds he has, i touched but i didnt want to! Its not that I used him! I loved him so much i didnt
want to make him feel that he is not enough or that he HAS to do everything for me or always be there, its
jusr that he was always like "I come, I will be there" etc.
So from March to July I waited and i suffered so bad. I cried so much. Because I just couldnt get to him anymore.
He said he just doesnt know what he feels but when I asked him if he wants to break up he always says no, I am
important to him. So i tried to give him what he needed although he pushed me away so bad. Before he shared everything
with me!! he loved it. But then he just didnt share a lot anymore, and i just didnt understand. For you it seems clear
but i never experienced such a shift before, i couldnt understand because i said sorry so often and I directly changed
It was never about me anymore, i just asked him what he needs, what I can do for me but he was always like "No one
can help me, i have to get through alone". I was so worried because he seemed so depressive. And I suffered so much
because he didnt want to see me but he always had excuses like "Its not about you, i cant see anyone" and still, although
he was so distant, somehow he always wanted contact, so whenever i wrote him, he would write back as soon as he
had time - i still somehow was a priority but different, i was so confused. It was like he took all the love away suddenly
but not breaking up, saying "i just need time.". It was cruel somehow but i coudnt see it, i was in this whole thing and
I thought he is just burnt out and depressed. We saw us once in April, once in May, i came to his city and he said again
"We can see us but not talk about us, I cant yet." - when I met him i could feel he still loved me but the walls were meter
high and I was always just afraid of doing something wrong. So i Said okay, i just wanted to see him. I was so afraid of losing
him and i think he knew and this was also a burden for him.. maybe.
In July we saw us the first time again not outside somewhere. I asked and it was the first time he said yes. He drove
to my place. He only came in the morning and left in the evening. It was weird. I thought were gonna talk now but he
didnt say anything, we just behaved like a couple and went out for restaurant and before he left i had to say something,
i mean i was suffering so much from not knowing what is it, he never broke up but still it was not the normal relationship
anymore we had, obviously. I asked him "do you wanna give us another chance", he said yes thats why i am here.
I was the happiest person on that day. Because i really wanted to keep him, I loved him so much.. i mean there is more
about him than what I write here, we had a story together, same interests, same humour, it was special for me in comparison
with boyfriends before.
So from this point i thought we need time but were gonna make it. and then this story got so crazy, i still can not believe it.
I have to say, if there is one thing i never doubted until July it was that he is honest and loyal. I got betrayed before and I
dont think I am naive with that but with him, there was never a reason to doubt his loyalty since in the realitionship I was always
until march.. priority. But i thought from march on that it was all about him being depressed and burn out and yes it had to
do also with the relationship for him, but he never gave me signals he would be interested in others. And since he never really
broke up or said "lets do a break where we meet others" I NEVER thought he would be doing that. I thought he, as he said,
wouldnt be able to see anyone. he always said "I cant see anyone, i need time alone"... but my friend then saw him on tinder
in July, and then after that tinder thing it continued, i found out he used multiple apps.. i confronted him.. he said he never met
someone, it was just about getting reassurance... he cried so much.. i believed him because it never happened before,
i understood it a bit because i thought okay, he was so unhappy maybe thats what he needed then in this break..
but it went on.. so first tinder.. then i asked him to deleted.. then another app.. and another.. he lied and lied and lied..
and I just suffered so much. I cant not describe, i had so bad depression.. I just didnt understand. STILL he said NO
i dont want to break up and as you can see i didnt do either, i was so codependent already then. But until today
i never understood.
So when i saw another app in August on his phone while he was using (after we had this tinder talk, he deleted..),
i know we really had to talk again. We had a wedding before. And then we wanted to have a talk after the wedding.
So sunday we came back from the wedding and on friday i wanted to see him. He said yes were gonna talk about it.
We had a phone call thursday night, he was normal..
On friday morning i woke up, got on my way to him, opening my seeing 13 pages file on my whatsapp. I was already
on my way to him, i knew this is nothing good and then this was the worst day in my life. It was a goodbye letter
with the title "there is no way around it", him explaining that we cant go on, and then it was a lot of things were
he put the blame on me, like it doesnt make sense because i dont trust him anymore, and i control him (I never ever
did anything like this in the relationship. I started getting really distrustful after i found out he was using tinder all
the months and then finding out another and another app..) - He said also true things like that its not healty anymore
but mostly the letter hurt so much because it was more about saying that too much happened and i can not trust
him anymore. And that he had to lie because he wanted to save the relationship. Above all he emphasized on and started
with that he is afraid of this talk I wanna have with him. Because he is afraid of that he has to show something or
i want to know something.. and that he cant to these talks anymore because nothing changes.. and thats also so
funny because we never really talked! It was IMPOSSIBLE. Im sure we could have solved things already in march
if we would have sat together for some hours, saying whats bothering us etc, maybe we would have come to the
term that it doesnt make sense, he could have said he is not happy, he need this or that but he didnt want to talk
he said he can only solve it alone.. and I just didnt know how to handle what to do, i couldnt force him to talk
but didnt want to go..
so the letter hurt so much because not only he put the blame on me but also he said so many things he never told me before, like he wished we would
have talked about this or that. It was just not fair and I was so shocked because i was SO afraid of this kind of breakup.
His last words were like "Dont try to find me, I wont be home or at any place you know for now". And the whole reality was somehow twisted,
i mean we wanted to start again in July, and why it just couldnt happen was because I found out he was using several apps and I just wanted
to know ofc what is going on. And he didnt want to talk.. i think for him, he just wanted to go on, he said once "We first need to have some good
moments, to build some good moments and then we can talk", but i couldnt sleep anymore because I didnt know if he would meet people.. man it
was like crazy, i still get crazy thinking about it
I know things were tough and honestly I was thinking maybe when we meet this weekend, things not gonna
work out anymore because there are so many lies but he just doesnt want to tell me what he needs and he
seems unhappy but also doesnt quit and i dont get him etc.. so i expected maybe we break up BUT i just dint
expect that he would leave like that. I felt so guilty after the letter, i felt weeks like I destroyed everything
because I always wanted to talk about why he is using these apps.. but how could i have ignored...
I went to his flat. Because i was so shocked and my fear kicked in and this "Dont try to find me", after all weve
been through this year, i couldnt believe he wouldnt say goodbye personally... I wrote him a lot of messages
after I read the letter, i know it was wrong but as I said my AP kicked in and I was SO afraid of this kind of
breakup, he knew that.. like going without being able to say goodbye i have a story with it.
But he then just didnt answer any call, he didnt open the door, he said "I cant do that now, I am not ready
to see it, we can talk one day but not now, I cant do it"... he wrote 1 or 2 text answering mines after some
days just saying that i left him with no other choice than leaving like this because I am mental not stable
and I still think this was an excuse.. yes I was not very stable after all what happened, i was so tired from
fighting for him but not knowing what he wants, i was crying a lot and yes it wouldnt have been nice for
him to do it personally, but it would have been possible. So it hurt me a lot because he just got SO cold
from the letter on, he switched like crazy and said "Im sorry you didnt leave me another choice, we can
talk maybe when things are more calm" and then after 2,3 texts he just disappeared and kind of "ghosted"
Thats 2 1/2 months ago now and Im still in a shock somehow. The first weeks were so bad I literally wanted
to die.. I always told him it is not ABOUT the breakup but about HOW you leave, please just give me a face
to face goodbye.. after 2 weeks i stopped texting until now.
I then read, as I said, a lot about DA's and ofc i have to admit i am also not easy and have my wounds and
didnt act good going to his door begging to get a personal goodbye. But I am still shocked because this man,
he loved me so much.. and then in his letter he also said "I still love you there is no doubt".. and he wrote
in his last text "I never wanted to do this to the person I love more than everything".
I understood things. I understood he acted out so much fear and he didnt want to confront himself
with what he did.. this whole dating and sex app shit.. but still i dont understand how you can just
disappear like this.. i read so much about DA's and often i understood its a kind of coping mechanism
and it makes sense. I was hurt when I got to know that he was 1 week after the break up using
all these apps again, i was really hurt because i was suffering so much and then this "I can not meet
you, Im not ready" but being ready to date already after all this bad break up, I still dont get it but
I think its the way a DA distracts themselve..
So i dont know what I want hear, i just wanted to share my story, because there are a lot of
days where I feel its still too much, I even still miss him. I wanted to answer his letter but I was
so tired and I made half of the letter and was never okay with it.
Sorry for this incredible long text but I had to let it out. Thank you for everyone reading just half of it.
PLEASE NOTE: Even if its a long text it is of course only a part of the relationship and also written by a very confused me so feel free to ask if something is not clear.