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Post by christin on Dec 7, 2022 16:40:56 GMT
Hey everyone,
I am in therapy for a year and have my anxious tendencies under control for most of the time. I healed a lot and it made my partner finally want to commit to me when they realized how much I changed and how many of my behaviours are under control. Our relationship is awesome. I try to mainly look at the time we spend together which is always beautiful, because my anxiety only comes up when we don't see each other. The thing is, that my partner sometimes tends to withdraw, which mainly is in times of exhaustion from their very stressful job and also because of their depression. My nervous system goes flying high in those times. My therapist tells me to just let my partner be alone in those times, because we had those situations thousand times and it always turned out well and they came back quickly and are loving to me again. But I just can't seem to get hold of that feeling. Every time I sense a distance, I panick over and over again and want to contact them and maybe want to help, all that stuff. It seems like the fear of somehow losing or not being close enough to help them is brandnew every time.
What changed is that I don't let it out on them anymore! Thankfully. But I would really love to learn how to get a grip of not feelings this panic anymore. It is exhausting to me and I would really love to be able to focus on myself more. Also I of course fear that it bottles up everytime I don't contact them and I one day explode on them.
I need some input: What do you do when the panic arises and how to stop it from dominating your thoughts.
Thanks everyone!
Christin
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 7, 2022 16:52:31 GMT
Hey everyone, I am in therapy for a year and have my anxious tendencies under control for most of the time. I healed a lot and it made my partner finally want to commit to me when they realized how much I changed and how many of my behaviours are under control. Our relationship is awesome. I try to mainly look at the time we spend together which is always beautiful, because my anxiety only comes up when we don't see each other. The thing is, that my partner sometimes tends to withdraw, which mainly is in times of exhaustion from their very stressful job and also because of their depression. My nervous system goes flying high in those times. My therapist tells me to just let my partner be alone in those times, because we had those situations thousand times and it always turned out well and they came back quickly and are loving to me again. But I just can't seem to get hold of that feeling. Every time I sense a distance, I panick over and over again and want to contact them and maybe want to help, all that stuff. It seems like the fear of somehow losing or not being close enough to help them is brandnew every time. What changed is that I don't let it out on them anymore! Thankfully. But I would really love to learn how to get a grip of not feelings this panic anymore. It is exhausting to me and I would really love to be able to focus on myself more. Also I of course fear that it bottles up everytime I don't contact them and I one day explode on them. I need some input: What do you do when the panic arises and how to stop it from dominating your thoughts. Thanks everyone! Christin A couple of ideas….when you go into panic mode….name 10 things around you, this will connect you back into the present moment…..find a meditation on YouTube and breath deeply for at least 5 to 10 minutes, this will connect you back into your body…..spend time in nature or on a hobby…..hobbies are great ways to focus on things that make you happy…..lie on your back with your legs up on a chair…this will reset your nervous system. Say the following out lout….”the story in my head is….” When you are worried…there is a story that is going on in your mind, state it out loud so that you can 1. realize it is a story and 2. Answer back with the reality of the situation…he is simply taking some “me” time. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 7, 2022 17:06:16 GMT
Those are good suggestions to calm down and self-soothe in the moment. It also may be helpful to recognize that the anxious feelings when he withdraws are guiding you to the areas within yourself that still need some more healing, see them as giving you a map. Usually the underlying cause of the anxiety you're describing is insecurity within yourself, that you are not enough on your own, you can't survive without him, and you need him to externally regulate your emotions because you don't fully have the tools to do it internally yourself. This probably developed because as a child you had a situation where you needed to stay attached to inconsistent adults, actually for your survival since you were only a kid. Part of anxious insecure attachment develops to keep you attached to people who aren't meeting your needs in a way that seems less painful for a kid to process, which primes you for similar dynamics as you get older. The way out of it is to build up your own self-esteem, identity, self-reliance, agency, and learn more tools to regulate your own emotions without turning outward and relying on others. I'm assuming your therapy has been teaching you some of these tools (such as CBT?). So bigger picture, finding ways to keep yourself occupied during his times of withdrawal (and even just in general) that are important to you, will make you feel accomplished, build up your self esteem so you can trust yourself and that you will be okay no matter what, will help you work your way out of these triggered times. He's withdrawing... take a walk, do some exercise, practice a hobby or sport you enjoy, work on a project that reminds you that you're good at what you do, maybe take yourself on a small trip and enjoy yourself by doing things that help you connect to yourself if you have the means to do so.
This is also worth discussing further with your therapist, from this angle about how to build up your own esteem and trust of yourself.
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Post by anne12 on Dec 7, 2022 18:06:08 GMT
Some tips: What to do when you are in sympathetic mode vs parasympathetic mode jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13006/If your sympathetic nerveus system gets activated - speeder - fight/flight, it is important to burn some of the released stress hormones and the energy by: Use your body, do exercise, jogging ect. Do the water tank exercise, let the energy run down and out through your arms, fingers, legs and feet jebkinnisonforum.com/post/46568/Do things that makes you feel good: Taking a shower/bath, Talking to good friends and family (about something else!) Walk/be in the nature Write Read Listen to music and danse Watch a good movie Paint a picture or be creative in any other way Do anything, that can bring you back into balance NB! It is NOT recommended to lie down in this state, because you will have a tendencie to regrediate and get flooded with negative thoughts and emotions. It´s the encaputulated child/encaptulated part of yourself that can get activated in this position. |
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Post by anne12 on Dec 7, 2022 18:26:27 GMT
More tips
Recognize inside yourself what triggers you. You can support yourself by taking care of your little inner girl “little-xxxx" if you can get in touch with her inside of you.
Where can you feel her in the body?
Put a hand on the bodypart and say something to her like,:
"I'm here for you now. I know you felt abandoned at that time, but I'm here for you now little girl". And then give her a hug.
You can also do the water tank exercise to land the nervous system.
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Post by anne12 on Dec 7, 2022 19:08:53 GMT
Accept your feelings jebkinnisonforum.com/post/23904/Example: Allow the feeling to be there right now and accept how ever you are feeling and what you are thinking - also if you think that you should feel differently. Excaterate what ever that gives you the feeling: Ex you think/feel that your partner is abandoning you/dissapointening you: Say out loud: "I want you to be here with me ALL the time. I want you to be avaliable for me all the time and not avaliable for other people or your work. I do not want you to think about anybody else or anything else than me!" Feel it in your body and in your mind. How does it feel to say this out loud ? Often times you will feel a shift and things will start to change if you do the exercise wholeheartedly. But not because you want to change your negative emotions but because you want to stand by yourself. This is where your power and your inner harmony lies. And from here your negative beliefs can start to shift. They will do this the moment that you accept them |
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Post by anne12 on Dec 7, 2022 19:32:25 GMT
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Post by introvert on Dec 7, 2022 23:34:45 GMT
I think consistency is very important in a relationship, and wonder if he can acknowledge his need to withdraw as well as acknowledge your need for reassurance. I'm not sure what exactly is the extent of his withdrawal, but there is a place for providing help and support to your partner, even if they are a little insecure. My boyfriend and I have learned to be gentle with each other's vulnerabilities and work as a team when one of us is feeling bad for some reason.
Just another perspective, you've done so much work and it's possible that a little bit of teamwork would help, so you know you don't have to be perfect and he will have grace and love for you even if you have a little way to go.
That could be bad advice I'm just thinking of this another way.
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Post by usernametaken on Dec 8, 2022 0:08:02 GMT
One thing I found really helped me when a partner withdrawals or maybe doesn't call or text right away is look for the evidence behind my story. So as others suggest, figure out the story you are telling yourself. For me it was usually. "they are finally abandoning me" and then I would go "what evidence do I actually have for this?" And usually it was none. I would be like they've come back every other time. They always reply. They always show they care. And then there is the DBT skill of listing off the alternatives to my story. Maybe they are busy or sick or etc etc etc. And sure enough they aren't abandoning me their phone died or they were working late. Etc.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 8, 2022 5:50:39 GMT
I think consistency is very important in a relationship, and wonder if he can acknowledge his need to withdraw as well as acknowledge your need for reassurance. I'm not sure what exactly is the extent of his withdrawal, but there is a place for providing help and support to your partner, even if they are a little insecure. My boyfriend and I have learned to be gentle with each other's vulnerabilities and work as a team when one of us is feeling bad for some reason. Just another perspective, you've done so much work and it's possible that a little bit of teamwork would help, so you know you don't have to be perfect and he will have grace and love for you even if you have a little way to go. That could be bad advice I'm just thinking of this another way. That is a great suggestion introvert. I remember reading that if an avoidant can provide a return time…it makes it much less scary to the anxious partner. Something along the lines of…”I need some me time but I will be back tomorrow by noon”. |
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Post by introvert on Dec 8, 2022 6:20:49 GMT
I think consistency is very important in a relationship, and wonder if he can acknowledge his need to withdraw as well as acknowledge your need for reassurance. I'm not sure what exactly is the extent of his withdrawal, but there is a place for providing help and support to your partner, even if they are a little insecure. My boyfriend and I have learned to be gentle with each other's vulnerabilities and work as a team when one of us is feeling bad for some reason. Just another perspective, you've done so much work and it's possible that a little bit of teamwork would help, so you know you don't have to be perfect and he will have grace and love for you even if you have a little way to go. That could be bad advice I'm just thinking of this another way. That is a great suggestion introvert. I remember reading that if an avoidant can provide a return time…it makes it much less scary to the anxious partner. Something along the lines of…”I need some me time but I will be back tomorrow by noon”. I think its totally reasonable and courteous to do so. We have had some issues in our relationship with my partner going down the adhd rabbit hole and losing track of time... and me lol. So he would kind of disappear without warning because he got caught up in something. I was really uncomfortable, not scared of abandonment but blindsided by the disappearance, it's like leaving the house without so much as a goodbye. He gave me no heads up that he'd be completely unavailable. It was about the courtesy of letting me know... so I'm not trying to communicate or thinking we might do this or that when he had actually taken himself out of the equation without even telling me. Again... it's not about him being unavailable and me feeling abandoned and anxious... its about communication, to me. After some discussion about it he agreed to just make it a point to let me know when he's going into something that is likely to absorb him... just a text or a call and a cute little goodbye and everything is golden as far as I'm concerned. It works great. I do the same with him, and he appreciates it. It's just a courtesy that might require some emotional growth to be able to provide, but it's a worthy goal to be able to communicate one's own needs and communicate to meet the needs of a partner. I don't think it's all up to one partner to take care of the issues caused by his withdrawal, he's got some responsibility here too. He can reasonably take some time for himself and also reasonably communicate that, in my opinion. I'm kind of surprised a therapist would not advocate for communication between the partners here. |
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Post by anne12 on Dec 8, 2022 10:55:44 GMT
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Post by christin on Dec 8, 2022 12:43:43 GMT
Hey everyone,
thank you so so much for your replies already. Gives me the feeling of not being the only one or alone with those problems.
I am calmed down a lot more today but this is mostly because some time has passed, I couldn't really get myself to chill down yesterday. I definitely will follow some of the tips you gave me for calming anxiety and practicing self-care the next time this happens.
To answer some questions that you had: The depression doesn't affect me when we are together, because they only meet me, when they are in a better mood. Of course they sometimes have some trouble with having the energy to do stuff outside, but that's when we just take some time to chill together and watch some movies. The times when they don't want to meet up, are the ones where the depression has gone so bad that all they want to do is sleep and that's when I feel shut out. This usually goes away in about a week when they had some time to recharge. Even then they try their best to stay in contact with me. We text every other day and they usually reply swiftly. But yeah, the "exhaustion periods" of them usually occur about once every 2 months, so quite a lot.
I think what impacts this a lot too is our past. There were literal MONTHS where I didn't see them while we were casual because I was too clingy and they withdrawed. But they always came back when it cooled down. Before I went to therapy I didn't see my flaws and didn't realize how I drove them away. I thought I was right to seek extreme closeness, that's what you do when dating... I know better now. But probably a part of me still thinks that when something goes wrong or I do something wrong that we can end up like that again. So everytime I sense distance I wonder If i did something to cause that, even if it probably is just their depression week.
Definitely have to work on building up my self-esteem and not projecting evertything one me and what I might have done wrong.
Thanks for listening.
Christin
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Post by introvert on Dec 8, 2022 14:39:31 GMT
This seems dysfunctional to me, and not all on your part but some... I actually think asserting yourself with a request for communication before he withdraws is appropriate. Even someone depressed can mention that they don't feel well and will be taking some time. After all, if he just disappeared from his job he would be fired, would he not? He probably knows that and would request time off of needed. It looks to me like he both of you blame just you, instead of looking at the partnership and how each of you co-create the relationship.
Sure, it's always good to increase your ability to manage triggers. But he's not taking responsibility for a fundamental necessity in relarionship: the courtesy of communication. Its unfortunate that he doesn't feel well, it really is, but I don't understand why you are expected to tolerate a disappearance of a week when his job surely wouldn't.
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