Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2017 12:17:30 GMT
Hello
Reading a post on here recently it occurred to me that I - and my ex fluctuated between da and fa in our relationship - the DA behaviours always seemed to be triggered by trauma, conflict, being hurt or whatever whilst when things were good - by which I mean calm and happy, we both played the FA part of wanting a relationship but being hesitant and afraid. When something came along that caused me hurt I would literally retreat and tell myself I didn't need the relationship, wasn't attached etc etc and he seemed to do the same.
I wonder if this is what happens at the end of the relationship that so many people mention - where the DA doesn't care one way or the other - or appears not to, in reality we are just telling ourselves that we don't care that we are fine on our own as a coping mechanism to escape from pain.
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Post by yasmin on Dec 13, 2017 17:37:20 GMT
Whatever you tell yourself becomes real in a way doesn't it?
So if someone is Anorexic they can convince themselves that food is bad. If someone is religious they can convince themselves that God exists without proof of that. If someone is in love they convince themselves the other person is perfect. So maybe if someone convinces themselves that they don't care and are better off without someone then that becomes the truth?
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cate
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Post by cate on Dec 13, 2017 23:54:06 GMT
I have read that avoidants - once that fear of intimacy is triggered - start to detach emotionally. Even if they are doing some pull in between. So by the time the break occurs - that detachment on their part has happened whereas their partner has just started and that’s where the hurt and disconnect occurs.
But we have such different perspectives as an AP or a DA that trying to understand the other’s inner workings is often futile. I have accepted I don’t know what my ex is thinking or feeling. He could be perfectly fine with our break up. Or he could be suffering tremendously. I just don’t know and I probably won’t wver know. Accepting that is the only thing I can do
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 14, 2017 0:45:59 GMT
Hi Cate,
Was thinking on this and wondering the same. But your point about how they have already shut off emotionally and we are just learning of it is so true! I started to feel a little distancing around Thanksgiving, but once he got home, he invited me to a movie, then we hung out that weekend. By Tuesday he had a very carefully crafted texted putting even more distance in place, I was left dumbfounded while he was very matter of fact. I have no idea if he misses me right now after 8 days of NC, or, if he feels relieved that we are not talking. At any rate, you are absolutely right, there is no sense in trying to make sense of their inner workings. I have chosen to keep working on myself and focus on people and things that make me feel good.
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cate
New Member
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Post by cate on Dec 14, 2017 13:34:24 GMT
Kristyrose -
My heart goes out to you. It is hard but it gets better. The first 3 weeks of no contact for me were rough. I cried every day. But I’m now 6 weeks out and it’s better. I still miss him but I’m more focused on me. I would like to see if we can be friends but I need to get to a place where he doesn’t affect me so much.
As you can see from my posts here - I started out distraught and struggling and now I’m approaching acceptance and understanding. Know that you can too.
Take care of yourself first and always.
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Post by neosporin on Dec 15, 2017 3:51:47 GMT
He could be perfectly fine with our break up. Or he could be suffering tremendously. I just don’t know and I probably won’t wver know. Accepting that is the only thing I can do I doubt they even know themselves. Their feelings fluctuate so rapidly and many of them seem to have very little insight into or control over their whims, even the self-aware Avoidants are not very aware. |
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