Post by annes on Dec 13, 2022 3:07:05 GMT
Woman in my 30s, independent, "successful" by society's standards, empathetic, with strong intellectual and cultural interests, creative, goodlooking. I'm back on this forum as I feel like here is the right kind of crowd to understand my struggle. Sorry if this is long, amd thanks to everyone who has tje patience to read.
It's been a few months already that my dating life has become rather painful. Please help me understand. We match on dating apps, men with intellectual/cultural interests and other relevant things in common catch my attention. It is clearly stated on my profile that I'm looking for a relationship. I mention therapy too, and that I'm skeptical of "sparks" preferring more of a "friendship first" deal, to take time to get to know each other. They seem enthusiastic about me mentioning these things, so this sounds promising but I try to not invest in them too much too soon. We set up a date. They communicate enthusiasm, they seem excited to meet me. Then we meet. Then they disappear. Rinse and repeat.
I used to expect a text from men after a first date, but after several mutual fades I changed strategy and text myself after a day or two. I'll mention the last three experiences hoping this can give a better sense.
Date #1. Calm, mature guy. We have some sort of chat about what we want before meeting up.The date consists of a convo covering the basics mostly, and it tends sometimes to dry up a but but we try to relaunch the conversation. I honestly think I'm not particularly interested but all of my awareness about sparks being most of the times toxic signs I am open to meet up again. After the first date he sets up another date. We meet up and the convo gets a bit deeper. He talks about his family and I do too. We share dating apps frustration. Etc. Then he disappears. I text him a couple days later asking him out. He says he is taking a time off dating to work on his anxiety and if I'm okay with waiting. I decline because I don't want to be led on and anyway he was about to ghost me so it was already a bad sign. Waiting for a man to figure out if he likes me isn't exactly my hobby. Given some things we have in common I propose to be friends, genuinely, he accepts and that's it.
Date #2. We talk about therapy and certain books and seems interesting. He lives 2h away and given that I don't want to invest my energy with people I haven't met I suggest to let me know when he's near by to meet up. We meet up and talk about many things. Attachment styles, toxic relationships, therapy, etc. He says he's an avoidant and never had a long term relationship as he pushes people away, except one of 3 years. This isn't music to my ears but given that he seemed selfaware and doing therapy I decide to give him a chance and I seem to be liking him. At the end of the date I say "it's been really nice to meet up" and he doesn't say anything back, which was weird. Also, no matter how interesting to me the convo was, he kept yawning all the time at me while I was talking. I interrupted myself saying "well but I really don't want to bore you" and he apologized for not having slept well. I leave the date with mixed feelings and start to feel anxious the next day. I'm ready for this to fade too, as I'm used to at this point, but given the several times it happened in the last few times, and his apparent openness to talk things out, I decide to text him to say that it's absolutely okay if he isn't interesting in seeing each other again but I would appreciate it if he could tell me if there was something off putting in the way I come across. He replies that he's surprised to hear this as he is genuinely interested in seeing me again, wondering where I got the impression he wasn't. I mentioned the above and he apologized, confirming the interest and saying he was glad I had asked. A few days go by and he texts me again, I notice that he never asks questions. We do a back and forth of texts but it dries up quickly without questions. My last texts remain without reply for 3 days. At which point I decide that I don't like this. Note that I had told him previously that I value consistent communication, so he knew. After 3 days I decide to unmatch (no, we didn't even exchange numbers).
Date #3. This one seems very interesting, we do the same job (a rather niche area) and the convo hits off immediately, as we're both passionate about certain topics. We exchange books and podcasts and he texts me consistently. I like the feeling but after a week or more I notice he doesn't suggest a date which is unusual. Also, he has the "don't know yet" on his profile which is already not my favorite kind of date. I ask him if he comes off a recent breakup and he confirms, long marriage falls apart...four months earlier. That he doesn't know what he wants yet but genuinely something meaningful ans transparent. I am a bit meh about it and understand that I shouldn't pay too much attention to this person. Seeing that he continues to text I say clearly that I'm not on these apps for texting and that usually I prefer to meet up early on, but that he gives me "not over my ex" vibes so I'm not sure. That I am interested only in emotionally available people. He says that the process of getting over his ex is underway and wants to meet up. At which point we set up a date which for a serious of circumstances is 2 weeks later. In the meantime he has to travel and whatnot. He keeps texting me consistently during this time and seems enthusiastic about meeting up. He sends me pictures from his work trip. We share things etc. I am a bit conflicted as again I wouldn't want to waste time texting someone whom I haven't seen, so there is like 3-4 texts every 2-3 days. Finally we meet up. He even brought me a souvenir from his trip. He told me I'm the first date after his divorce. His eyes are visibly excited to see me and the convo flows really well. The date lasts...4 hours. We talk a lot about personal stuff and experiences. I like him and I am thinking this is going well. At some point though he changes completely. He stops engaging with the convo and I think he's probably tired so I suggest to go. At which point I say "it's been really nice to meet, let's keep in touch" and I get again the same icy stare of the other guy. Something is really off but I don't think much about it and we part ways. He texts me immediately afterwords thanks for the night and great to meet you, exchanging links about stuff we had talked about. Then radio silence for 4 days. Yeah, I check his profile and see that he has updated his pictures.
Before meeting up he was warm and consistent so I figured if he doesn't text me and even updates his profile he's clearly not jnterested. I get anxious and sad about it, despite my effort to not invest in strangers too much too soon :/ I start to wonder what I said or did wrong. Maybe I talked too much? I often do. Maybe I overshared? Maybe my sense of humor wasn't appreciated? Then my anxious brain started to remember that towards the end of the date he came closer to me with some persistent eye contact. I was talking about something so I kept talking, I mean it wasn't clear if he wanted to kiss me or I don't know what I thought, I don't do well when things aren't clear. After a few minutes leaning towards me with persistent eye contact he turns himself away and that's when he looks defeated and drained and I suggest to go. I mean I don't know exactly what happened, but I did say that I enjoyed the date and suggested to keep in touch, so I think that I made it clear from my side that I was interested. But nope. He turned cold and after the brief texts exchange, I never heard from him. Why don't I text him? Because I'm tired of being rejected. Even if he thought I rejected an otherwise unclear kiss attempt, I think it's fair to not expect a kiss on a first date, also considered that I did say positive things to confirm my jnterest. I wondered if I should text him but after I saw him updating pictures, even though it's obviously free to do it it doesn't look like a great way to behave after a date with someone you're interested in. So I decided to delete his number and forget about it.
Unfortunately though, I've been miserable since Thursday, in a way that is clearly unhealthy. I guess this emptieth time a guy loses interest in me after meeting me some of my core wounds get reactivated badly. I've spent the last three days wondering what is wrong with me. Why when people know me they dislike me. I have always had the belief of being "the weird one" since I was a child. A female with strong intellectual interests, humor and unusual ideas about society, that is what my ex loved about me but apparently nobody else does. These men seemed drained by my energy. They don't like me even if they have a lot in common with me. Being rejected by men that I kinda already filtered out based on supposed similarities hurts more. Being rejected several times in a raw AFTER we meet hurts. I just want to get to know them. I try to be authentic on these dates. I speak my mind. I ask them questions. I might talk too much and overdo it but I'm not even sure it is the case, as they talk back too. I dont really know what happens and I'm drained by all of this.
So after months of the same rinse and repeat scenario I've decided to give up. I deleted the apps. Not gonna lie, I'm grieving now. I thought I was attractive and interesting but it's hard to keep believing that when everyone around you seems to not want to even get to know you better. I mean I explicitly say that I want to be friends first so there is not even pressure there. Please help me understand. I know people will likely say that is probably not about me but truly I want to understand what happens when we meet that put everyone I meet off. I only mentioned 3 examples but it happened probably 10 times already.
If I communicate it goes to sh*t. If I don't it goes to sh*t regardless. I am clear about what I want. I have been working on myself for the past 2.5 years and have since learnt about boundaries, emotional awareness, practicing vulnerability, learning to embrace being single, etc. But what I do with all of this if nobody wants it? I feel defeated. For the records I thought I was AP but am most likely a FA. I also thought I was earned secure but at this point I probably misunderstood everything.
Thanks to those of you who read all of this rant, I needed to write it down and now I feel a bit better. There is a very wise community here so I know my thoughts are in good hands.
It's been a few months already that my dating life has become rather painful. Please help me understand. We match on dating apps, men with intellectual/cultural interests and other relevant things in common catch my attention. It is clearly stated on my profile that I'm looking for a relationship. I mention therapy too, and that I'm skeptical of "sparks" preferring more of a "friendship first" deal, to take time to get to know each other. They seem enthusiastic about me mentioning these things, so this sounds promising but I try to not invest in them too much too soon. We set up a date. They communicate enthusiasm, they seem excited to meet me. Then we meet. Then they disappear. Rinse and repeat.
I used to expect a text from men after a first date, but after several mutual fades I changed strategy and text myself after a day or two. I'll mention the last three experiences hoping this can give a better sense.
Date #1. Calm, mature guy. We have some sort of chat about what we want before meeting up.The date consists of a convo covering the basics mostly, and it tends sometimes to dry up a but but we try to relaunch the conversation. I honestly think I'm not particularly interested but all of my awareness about sparks being most of the times toxic signs I am open to meet up again. After the first date he sets up another date. We meet up and the convo gets a bit deeper. He talks about his family and I do too. We share dating apps frustration. Etc. Then he disappears. I text him a couple days later asking him out. He says he is taking a time off dating to work on his anxiety and if I'm okay with waiting. I decline because I don't want to be led on and anyway he was about to ghost me so it was already a bad sign. Waiting for a man to figure out if he likes me isn't exactly my hobby. Given some things we have in common I propose to be friends, genuinely, he accepts and that's it.
Date #2. We talk about therapy and certain books and seems interesting. He lives 2h away and given that I don't want to invest my energy with people I haven't met I suggest to let me know when he's near by to meet up. We meet up and talk about many things. Attachment styles, toxic relationships, therapy, etc. He says he's an avoidant and never had a long term relationship as he pushes people away, except one of 3 years. This isn't music to my ears but given that he seemed selfaware and doing therapy I decide to give him a chance and I seem to be liking him. At the end of the date I say "it's been really nice to meet up" and he doesn't say anything back, which was weird. Also, no matter how interesting to me the convo was, he kept yawning all the time at me while I was talking. I interrupted myself saying "well but I really don't want to bore you" and he apologized for not having slept well. I leave the date with mixed feelings and start to feel anxious the next day. I'm ready for this to fade too, as I'm used to at this point, but given the several times it happened in the last few times, and his apparent openness to talk things out, I decide to text him to say that it's absolutely okay if he isn't interesting in seeing each other again but I would appreciate it if he could tell me if there was something off putting in the way I come across. He replies that he's surprised to hear this as he is genuinely interested in seeing me again, wondering where I got the impression he wasn't. I mentioned the above and he apologized, confirming the interest and saying he was glad I had asked. A few days go by and he texts me again, I notice that he never asks questions. We do a back and forth of texts but it dries up quickly without questions. My last texts remain without reply for 3 days. At which point I decide that I don't like this. Note that I had told him previously that I value consistent communication, so he knew. After 3 days I decide to unmatch (no, we didn't even exchange numbers).
Date #3. This one seems very interesting, we do the same job (a rather niche area) and the convo hits off immediately, as we're both passionate about certain topics. We exchange books and podcasts and he texts me consistently. I like the feeling but after a week or more I notice he doesn't suggest a date which is unusual. Also, he has the "don't know yet" on his profile which is already not my favorite kind of date. I ask him if he comes off a recent breakup and he confirms, long marriage falls apart...four months earlier. That he doesn't know what he wants yet but genuinely something meaningful ans transparent. I am a bit meh about it and understand that I shouldn't pay too much attention to this person. Seeing that he continues to text I say clearly that I'm not on these apps for texting and that usually I prefer to meet up early on, but that he gives me "not over my ex" vibes so I'm not sure. That I am interested only in emotionally available people. He says that the process of getting over his ex is underway and wants to meet up. At which point we set up a date which for a serious of circumstances is 2 weeks later. In the meantime he has to travel and whatnot. He keeps texting me consistently during this time and seems enthusiastic about meeting up. He sends me pictures from his work trip. We share things etc. I am a bit conflicted as again I wouldn't want to waste time texting someone whom I haven't seen, so there is like 3-4 texts every 2-3 days. Finally we meet up. He even brought me a souvenir from his trip. He told me I'm the first date after his divorce. His eyes are visibly excited to see me and the convo flows really well. The date lasts...4 hours. We talk a lot about personal stuff and experiences. I like him and I am thinking this is going well. At some point though he changes completely. He stops engaging with the convo and I think he's probably tired so I suggest to go. At which point I say "it's been really nice to meet, let's keep in touch" and I get again the same icy stare of the other guy. Something is really off but I don't think much about it and we part ways. He texts me immediately afterwords thanks for the night and great to meet you, exchanging links about stuff we had talked about. Then radio silence for 4 days. Yeah, I check his profile and see that he has updated his pictures.
Before meeting up he was warm and consistent so I figured if he doesn't text me and even updates his profile he's clearly not jnterested. I get anxious and sad about it, despite my effort to not invest in strangers too much too soon :/ I start to wonder what I said or did wrong. Maybe I talked too much? I often do. Maybe I overshared? Maybe my sense of humor wasn't appreciated? Then my anxious brain started to remember that towards the end of the date he came closer to me with some persistent eye contact. I was talking about something so I kept talking, I mean it wasn't clear if he wanted to kiss me or I don't know what I thought, I don't do well when things aren't clear. After a few minutes leaning towards me with persistent eye contact he turns himself away and that's when he looks defeated and drained and I suggest to go. I mean I don't know exactly what happened, but I did say that I enjoyed the date and suggested to keep in touch, so I think that I made it clear from my side that I was interested. But nope. He turned cold and after the brief texts exchange, I never heard from him. Why don't I text him? Because I'm tired of being rejected. Even if he thought I rejected an otherwise unclear kiss attempt, I think it's fair to not expect a kiss on a first date, also considered that I did say positive things to confirm my jnterest. I wondered if I should text him but after I saw him updating pictures, even though it's obviously free to do it it doesn't look like a great way to behave after a date with someone you're interested in. So I decided to delete his number and forget about it.
Unfortunately though, I've been miserable since Thursday, in a way that is clearly unhealthy. I guess this emptieth time a guy loses interest in me after meeting me some of my core wounds get reactivated badly. I've spent the last three days wondering what is wrong with me. Why when people know me they dislike me. I have always had the belief of being "the weird one" since I was a child. A female with strong intellectual interests, humor and unusual ideas about society, that is what my ex loved about me but apparently nobody else does. These men seemed drained by my energy. They don't like me even if they have a lot in common with me. Being rejected by men that I kinda already filtered out based on supposed similarities hurts more. Being rejected several times in a raw AFTER we meet hurts. I just want to get to know them. I try to be authentic on these dates. I speak my mind. I ask them questions. I might talk too much and overdo it but I'm not even sure it is the case, as they talk back too. I dont really know what happens and I'm drained by all of this.
So after months of the same rinse and repeat scenario I've decided to give up. I deleted the apps. Not gonna lie, I'm grieving now. I thought I was attractive and interesting but it's hard to keep believing that when everyone around you seems to not want to even get to know you better. I mean I explicitly say that I want to be friends first so there is not even pressure there. Please help me understand. I know people will likely say that is probably not about me but truly I want to understand what happens when we meet that put everyone I meet off. I only mentioned 3 examples but it happened probably 10 times already.
If I communicate it goes to sh*t. If I don't it goes to sh*t regardless. I am clear about what I want. I have been working on myself for the past 2.5 years and have since learnt about boundaries, emotional awareness, practicing vulnerability, learning to embrace being single, etc. But what I do with all of this if nobody wants it? I feel defeated. For the records I thought I was AP but am most likely a FA. I also thought I was earned secure but at this point I probably misunderstood everything.
Thanks to those of you who read all of this rant, I needed to write it down and now I feel a bit better. There is a very wise community here so I know my thoughts are in good hands.
