Lee
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Post by Lee on Dec 13, 2022 16:19:20 GMT
I am highly upset. I am seeing a man. We have known each other for years. We have moved into dating/physical. I discussed Christmas and how it meant alot to me. I did not ask to see him or "expect it." Somehow he thinks I expected it. I explained why Christmas is so important to me. (I have no family). He did not express one iota of empathy. It shocked me b/c I know he can be empathic. My emotions were too much for him (I rarely show them). He was all over the place in the convo (blaming me, bringing up negativity from the past, explaining how his family is different from mine.) He basically told me he doesn't want me to "expect" anything from him. I took all his replies as distancing strategies, but they didn't work. I kep tlaking calmly and expressing myself.
His family sounds very avoidant (but they do rally in family emergencies). What does this man think a relationship IS? I have needs. I expressed ONE! But apparently he doesn't think he has any obligation or doesn't want to the commitment to meet any of them. What does he think a relationship is supposed to look like and how does it grow and get fostered? He requires ALOT of space - which I give him and it is taking a toll. He presents like he is involved with someone else on the surface but he really isn't. He is THAT avoidant. Yet, he turns to me for support and understanding when HE needs it. Does he really think relationships are one sided?
He has been an important person to me in my life. Is there anyway for me to get him to understand that I need support too?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2022 16:51:38 GMT
Sounds like he does.
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Lee
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Post by Lee on Dec 13, 2022 17:28:08 GMT
he thinks it's one sided? how can anyone get this perspective? He told me once, "I'm not good at relationships" so he KNOWS he isn't! I should have listened. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2022 18:12:56 GMT
he thinks it's one sided? how can anyone get this perspective? He told me once, "I'm not good at relationships" so he KNOWS he isn't! I should have listened. Well, attachment wounding is explained in detail in many sources that you may have accessed in order to get here to thus forum. If you're not familiar with the origins of each style you can become so by reading the extensive literature and accepting that not everyone had the circumstances to develop the capacity for healthy relationships. The question becomes, if you see this is him, what now? He warned you, and for some reason you didn't take him seriously. It may be that you just don't understand, it may be that you are trying to get what he hasn't offered,it may be that you are insecure yourself and don't know how to pick a healthy partner because you aren't healthy yourself. At any rate, answering questions about him only goes so far. If what you see is what you get, you have some decisions to make. Best of luck figuring it all out! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2022 18:15:59 GMT
And no, you can't get him to give you what you want. You have to find someone interested and secure enough to do that, someone capable of having a mutually satisfying and healthy relationship. Accept him as he is whether you like it or not because you can't change him and it's not your calling to do so... you need to focus on what is in your control and that is you and your choices, including your choice of a partner.
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Lee
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Post by Lee on Dec 13, 2022 18:43:00 GMT
And no, you can't get him to give you what you want. You have to find someone interested and secure enough to do that, someone capable of having a mutually satisfying and healthy relationship. Accept him as he is whether you like it or not because you can't change him and it's not your calling to do so... you need to focus on what is in your control and that is you and your choices, including your choice of a partner. I am familiar with all the attachment styles. He told me he wasn't good with relationships when we were friends 5 years ago. we were so close I thought that he was involved with women who didn't understand them b/c they never got past 3 dates. we are years in. I don't understand why this is showing itself now. I am not trying to change him! I am trying get at least one of my needs met. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2022 18:51:10 GMT
And no, you can't get him to give you what you want. You have to find someone interested and secure enough to do that, someone capable of having a mutually satisfying and healthy relationship. Accept him as he is whether you like it or not because you can't change him and it's not your calling to do so... you need to focus on what is in your control and that is you and your choices, including your choice of a partner. I am familiar with all the attachment styles. He told me he wasn't good with relationships when we were friends 5 years ago. we were so close I thought that he was involved with women who didn't understand them b/c they never got past 3 dates. we are years in. I don't understand why this is showing itself now. Christmas is a time of trigger for a lot of people who have painful attachment wounds. So through the relarionship he has met your needs? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2022 18:53:25 GMT
And no, you can't get him to give you what you want. You have to find someone interested and secure enough to do that, someone capable of having a mutually satisfying and healthy relationship. Accept him as he is whether you like it or not because you can't change him and it's not your calling to do so... you need to focus on what is in your control and that is you and your choices, including your choice of a partner. I am familiar with all the attachment styles. He told me he wasn't good with relationships when we were friends 5 years ago. we were so close I thought that he was involved with women who didn't understand them b/c they never got past 3 dates. we are years in. I don't understand why this is showing itself now. Christmas is a time of trigger for a lot of people who have painful attachment wounds. Avoidants will avoid. Anxious may become more focused on need. |
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Lee
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Post by Lee on Dec 13, 2022 19:06:12 GMT
I am familiar with all the attachment styles. He told me he wasn't good with relationships when we were friends 5 years ago. we were so close I thought that he was involved with women who didn't understand them b/c they never got past 3 dates. we are years in. I don't understand why this is showing itself now. Christmas is a time of trigger for a lot of people who have painful attachment wounds. So through the relarionship he has met your needs? The only need he has met for me in the relationship is talking ALOT and having outstanding communication (that's why this threw me). We have also had nice times together but the relationship is on his pace on his terms. I have accepted that b/c the alternative is for him to be out of my life which I do not want. I have my own wounds. I am all alone. Multiple family members died recently. He like me. We have a nice time together. I do not understand why he can't understand ME and try and make me happy for the one think he knows I want/need. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 13, 2022 19:09:20 GMT
Lee, you say you rarely share your emotions, and you were just trying to get one need met. That implies that you've been holding back and pushing your needs down throughout the relationship in an attempt to "understand" him at your own cost. If you're now trying to shift that dynamic, then it would explain why it triggered him now (in addition to introvert being correct that Christmas can trigger people due to it culturally coming with fantasy expectations for families that may be quite dysfunctional or painful if they get together). If you have restrained yourself this entire time to keep the peace without communicating much about your emotions and needs, and you've been dating and taking it slow for years, he has no reason to know that things as they've been haven't been entirely working for you. He's assuming you stay because this is good for you and the type of relationship that you want, and a relationship with emotional distance is exactly what he wants and works for him. If he feels the dynamics are shifting, and he admits he has terrible relationship skills, then yes, you can expect him not to know how to react, not to know how to fix it, and to get disregulated. There's nothing you can do about that besides decide if the relationship works for you exactly how it's been. If not, you talk to him about what you want and see if you two can find acceptable middle ground that really works for both of you. If you express your needs and he does not agree or cannot respond in a way that's in the direction of the type of relationship you seek, then you both want different things. That does not mean you should try harder to twist yourself to make it work, but it does mean you should reevaluate why you're staying and if it is really in line with what you want and how you want to live your life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2022 19:16:55 GMT
Lee , you say you rarely share your emotions, and you were just trying to get one need met. That implies that you've been holding back and pushing your needs down throughout the relationship in an attempt to "understand" him at your own cost. If you're now trying to shift that dynamic, then it would explain why it triggered him now (in addition to introvert being correct that Christmas can trigger people due to it culturally coming with fantasy expectations for families that may be quite dysfunctional or painful if they get together). If you have restrained yourself this entire time to keep the peace without communicating much about your emotions and needs, and you've been dating and taking it slow for years, he has no reason to know that things as they've been haven't been entirely working for you. He's assuming you stay because this is good for you and the type of relationship that you want, and a relationship with emotional distance is exactly what he wants and works for him. If he feels the dynamics are shifting, and he admits he has terrible relationship skills, then yes, you can expect him not to know how to react, not to know how to fix it, and to get disregulated. There's nothing you can do about that besides decide if the relationship works for you exactly how it's been. If not, you talk to him about what you want and see if you two can find acceptable middle ground that really works for both of you. If you express your needs and he does not agree or cannot respond in a way that's in the direction of the type of relationship you seek, then you both want different things. That does not mean you should try harder to twist yourself to make it work, but it does mean you should reevaluate why you're staying and if it is really in line with what you want and how you want to live your life. Exactly. And on his end, he's experienced a partner seemingly fine with the pace and terms and situation they have gone along with willingly. No reason to believe it's not ok with you if you demonstrate that for two years it is. To all the sudden be met with something outside what he's interested in and what he's been showing up as for two years would be a blindside to him too. You created this dynamic as much as he did, and you have been aware of what he lacked and made a deal woth yourself to accept that. It doesn't work to raise the bar around one need when you have kept it low for all the others. I'm sorry you got burned, but it's not just by him you burned yourself by suppressing yourself this whole time. It's a hard lesson learned, but worth heeding. I'm sorry you don't have family, I do but mine is all very dysfunctional and painful so holidays have been difficult for me in the past. Hopefully you can find a friend to spend your holiday with, who is sensitive to your needs. |
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Lee
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Post by Lee on Dec 13, 2022 19:22:12 GMT
Lee , you say you rarely share your emotions, and you were just trying to get one need met. That implies that you've been holding back and pushing your needs down throughout the relationship in an attempt to "understand" him at your own cost. If you're now trying to shift that dynamic, then it would explain why it triggered him now (in addition to introvert being correct that Christmas can trigger people due to it culturally coming with fantasy expectations for families that may be quite dysfunctional or painful if they get together). If you have restrained yourself this entire time to keep the peace without communicating much about your emotions and needs, and you've been dating and taking it slow for years, he has no reason to know that things as they've been haven't been entirely working for you. He's assuming you stay because this is good for you and the type of relationship that you want, and a relationship with emotional distance is exactly what he wants and works for him. If he feels the dynamics are shifting, and he admits he has terrible relationship skills, then yes, you can expect him not to know how to react, not to know how to fix it, and to get disregulated. There's nothing you can do about that besides decide if the relationship works for you exactly how it's been. If not, you talk to him about what you want and see if you two can find acceptable middle ground that really works for both of you. If you express your needs and he does not agree or cannot respond in a way that's in the direction of the type of relationship you seek, then you both want different things. That does not mean you should try harder to twist yourself to make it work, but it does mean you should reevaluate why you're staying and if it is really in line with what you want and how you want to live your life. Thank you for your kind reply. Yes I have withheld due to fear. I have spoken up but in bits and pieces. Am now speaking up and being clear about ONE thing that is important to me. Christmas. It doesn't mean I never spoke up. I pick and chose my "battles." This is ONE thing that is important to me. I have been VERY supportive of him. It doesn't mean I can't give him space and compromise. I do not hear him trying to meet me half way, which is concerning. Yesterday he told me he has compromised in one way, which I didn't know. It was good to know that. This has not been "going on for years." We were friends for years, dating 1.5 years I added another post under this one as well. |
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Lee
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Post by Lee on Dec 13, 2022 19:25:30 GMT
To be clear this is our 2nd xmas. The first one he was very nervous and I attributed that to being the first time he came over. This is only our 2nd xmas. I didn't say " I need you to come here" or "I want you to come here." I expressed that xmas was emotional for me b/c I missed my family who died and I was sad. He had alot of difficulty with my emotions. My family is very dysfunctional itself.
It FEELS like I can't express my emotions to him. I am wondering if he was expecting a shoe to drop - which it didn't. I am now giving him space to recover. He didn't say ANYTHING supportive when he usually does. I felt like I was talking to the man on the moon. To be clear he does NOT think I am ok with the avoidancy. He knows I am not the same as him.
Regarding the relationship: I made it clear I want to see him more but have laid back and let it go at his pace b/c it's that or nothing. I don't want nothing. I don't want to lose him. I have spoken up somewhat. I never was "this is important to me." I said xmas was important to me but I didn't put it on him. He feels I did and I think became overwhelmed or scared of an expectation or shoe dropping.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2022 21:07:09 GMT
Did you ask him how he feels and what is important to him arounthe holidays? If his family is very different from yours,and he is avoidant, it may well be that the holidays are uncomfortable for him and that he dislikes making anything of them. When my partner and I were getting g to know each other we discussed that and agreed on how we would spend our holidays. Neither of us is religious, neither of us enjoy the hubbub, we think it's kind of ridiculous in a few ways so we don't really acknowledge them except to take care of our kids and what makes them feel content.
I count it a huge relief to be done with any traditions. I come from the avoidant end of the spectrum.
The holidays are a big deal to a lot of people, but some like to celebrate and some prefer to avoid them. They can be a big deal in unpleasant ways. Some associate the holidays with things they want to put behind them.
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Lee
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Post by Lee on Dec 13, 2022 22:33:50 GMT
Did you ask him how he feels and what is important to him arounthe holidays? If his family is very different from yours,and he is avoidant, it may well be that the holidays are uncomfortable for him and that he dislikes making anything of them. When my partner and I were getting g to know each other we discussed that and agreed on how we would spend our holidays. Neither of us is religious, neither of us enjoy the hubbub, we think it's kind of ridiculous in a few ways so we don't really acknowledge them except to take care of our kids and what makes them feel content. I count it a huge relief to be done with any traditions. I come from the avoidant end of the spectrum. The holidays are a big deal to a lot of people, but some like to celebrate and some prefer to avoid them. They can be a big deal in unpleasant ways. Some associate the holidays with things they want to put behind them. Good point. He doesn't want to do them. I just learned this yesterday. I do. I would like there to be a middle ground.Maybe one we do and won't we don't. I'm now scared to even bring up the subject b/c he was so uncomfortable yesterday. I don't think he will compromise. He said "if you want xmas go out and do it." with who? I have no one and I want to be with him. (more continued in next post. having trouble with this one - too many "quotes") |
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