Post by selhurst1905 on Dec 20, 2022 21:50:44 GMT
Hi, my first post and I suspect will be a long one, so apologies in advance, and I apologise for the fact that my story is only a 6.5 month one… I’ve for a number of years have suspected and identified as an Anxious Preoccupied attachment , and after watching literally hundreds of videos on attachment styles etc, strongly believe my partner(ex) is a FA.
We met at a meetup social group mid May, had a long conversation, discovered we had a lot in common, that was it. A couple of weekends later I went away for a last ditch weekend with my then ex LDR partner, she has been pushing me out of her life for some 3 months, I went away thinking it was make or break, but after how everything had been going for the last few months knew in my heart it was probably done, and it was.
Some days later I messaged this Lady, saying hello, and that I enjoyed our conversation the other week etc. She replied, likewise and we started chatting. We met at another meetup social night a week or so later. That’s where we started spending more time, talking to each other, being with each other and basically, fairly quickly were seeing each other every weekend, all weekend, and once midweek for dinner. Things were good, we had a lot in common in future plans, goals, likes, hobbies, liked each other’s company, had both had 2 unsuccessful marriages, she has 4 adult children, I have 2, mine still at school, teenagers. I had had a not so happy at times childhood, living with my mother when my parents divorced. She had grown up with 3 sisters, but in a fairly volatile, toxic at times environment, her parents were married, but her father was an alcoholic, so things were not always good. I am a 51 year old male, she is 60.
Over time she sort of hinted about FB etc, but I never added her, eventually she friend requested me, I accepted. The next day she rang and went off, saying ‘it all makes sense now etc.’ There was photos on my FB account of my ex LDR partner, and she could see the timeline from when we met, and I had broken up with her, Ill not deny there is a fine line there. She wasn’t happy, I explained what had happened etc. Over time she wanted me to delete all my past photos, ex still being on there as a friend etc. I said I would but we sort of clashed over it, her assumption being I was still in love with her etc??? To be fair and with hindsight I was probably in denial. Some time later I did delete all the photos as I realised it did mean & cause her a lot of angst. And ended up deleting my ex, all her friends, family off FB as well, I wanted to move on with my life, was, had fallen in love with this woman and was trying to show her this. Apart from that things were pretty good overall, apart from the odd occasion she would blow up over something trivial, Id end up leaving it a few days then go over there and smooth it over.
In mid Sept I told her I was shutting my FB, social media accounts down , I wanted, needed a break from it all and was basically over them, I didn’t find them healthy or worthwhile anymore. I enjoyed not being on there for some 7 odd weeks before going back and reopening it mid Nov, I friend requested her and she accepted.On Fri 28th Oct I went into Hosp for tests, I had been having tests, MRI’s etc for a few months, she was there when I woke up and took me home and looked after me until Sun morning where she left to go and see her daughter who had moved 100kms away a week before, she has had a lot of worries about her daughter the last 12 months with some mental health issues going on with her.Few days later on the Wed 2nd Nov, evening she rang me as I was leaving a Gardening group event I had been to for the first time. She cracked it with me as we would normally catch up on the Wed night, but no plans had really been made, I hadn’t mentioned I was going to this event. She got really angry and volatile, she basically texted me that night saying it was over, I replied with a pretty angry text in retaliation. Next day messaged me saying ‘Don’t ever speak to me again’. I started NC.
Mon Nov 14th, 11 days later she angrily messaged me , asking had I removed her participation on a walking/hiking event? I said No??? She then rang me, I was actually really happy to hear from her, even though she wasn’t happy. I assured her that I hadn’t and that I wouldn’t do that to her, she then blamed another organiser, I said I’m sure they wouldn’t have and there must be a good explanation? (turned out it was the other Organiser, that created further problem later) She was saying she wouldn’t take this and people messing with her life?? I calmed her and we ended up talking for some 2 hours, then a bit of light texting for the rest of the week.
That Sat she fails to show for the walk, I ring, message her, the others leave, I wait for her, as she may be running late and is out of character for her to not show like this. Later she texts me saying she turned around halfway there and that the previous her being taken off the walk list had played with her mentally all that week. Later that organiser sends her a not so nice message asking why she didn’t turn up. Following night, Sun she rings me saying about this other organiser and what has gone on, we end up talking on the oh for nearly 3 hours, then later on for another 2 hrs.
All that week there is a bit of light texting etc, the odd ph call, I’m taking it easy, trying to stay focused, calm etc. Sun 27thNov she agrees to let me take her out for dinner, we have a fantastic night out, lots of laughing, enjoy each others company, but I do not bring up what had previously transpired, I just want to enjoy it for the moment. I go back to hers for coffee, no intimacy, then we hug,hold each other, kiss her when I leave. Next day everything good. Following night Tues 29th Nov, she rings me, we chat,what weve both been up to etc, but I can tell something is up…
Then she just explodes, going off about random stuff, and that I'm deceitful, don’t change etc? I’m pleading with her, what are you talking about, I have absolutely no idea what she is going on about and what has triggered her, where this is all coming from. She hangs up on me, I try to ring back but she won't answer. I send a couple of texts asking, please tell me what is going on, what have I done or you think I’ve done? Tells me, I’m done with you, Leave me alone.
I end up sending an angry text back basically saying you’re full of shit, accuse me of stuff I haven’t done, then won't talk to me, and say no wonder you’re single and your kids don’t have much to do with you…. Sent in anger, which I’m now ashamed off, was below the belt and mean. Next day she unfriends me on FB, blocks me on everything. Go back into NC , and leave her be.
Fri 16th Dec were both supposed to be on a social night out in the group we met, she has cancelled a lot recently walks, anything she supposed to be going on, so im not sure whether she will go or not.
I turn up an hour after it has started, I see her and at some point say hello, she says hello back but is a bit frosty. Later were together in same area and chat a bit, she warms up, is more friendly and we chat catch up about what has been going on in our lives et, she telling me how busy she has been in her garden etc, lets me buy her a soft drink, is nice. We both decide to leave , I walk her to her car, where i end up talking to her by her car for nearly an hour, she then tells me shell drop me at my car down the road, I end up sitting in hers for prob 90-120 minutes more , just talking, laughing. I eventually say what happened the other week, what did I do, she replies that she cant remember….
Says that I trigger her, neither of her 2 previous husband did, and that were not compatible, says age gap is no good, different cultures etc… I laugh, we grew up in different countries, her Australia, me England, but they are very, very alike. It is a poor excuse, and I see the age gap as just another excuse…as it has never been an issue in the past. She says she doesn’t feel valued or like I want to be with her at times when were out on a night out, despite everyone in the group knowing we were a couple and I always hold her hand, and am affectionate in public, ‘actions speak louder than words’,… It doesn’t make sense to me?? I ask her that when something is bothering her, then tell me before it becomes an issue, she replies that she shouldn’t have too. Brings up an incident in a pub like 3 months before where she walked in late and I supposedly didn’t greet her properly?
First time she has ever mentioned it, Is like she lets all these little things build up and then just explodes. I say Im more than happy to go to counselling on my own, or with her,and will happily do that as I believe in her, I and us. She doesn’t want to. I say Im looking at working on myself to be a better person and to tryand repair my flaws, issues. I had mentioned Attachment styles a few months ago, but she is dismissive of all of it. Tells me not o focus too much on books, videos, online coaches etc.(All I have done the last 6 weeks!!)
I drive home, telling her please text me when you’re home safely as its 0115 am by this stage. She does, I tell her I’ve just arrived home safely as well also and goodnight. I also apologise for the previous, last not so nice text about her etc, and say she is a good, beautiful mom, and im sure her kids are extremely proud of her (as Am I) etc, She does not reply, and I haven’t heard anything from her since.
She is a good, good person, I have seen so much good, love and compassion in her I do not want to give up on her, although she appears to be wanting to quit at the moment. I have now signed up to work on myself, my attachment style looking forward to beginning some courses to try and improve me as a man and a person and be a better person in hopefully this or future relationships.
As I said I’m 95% sure she is a FA judging by every single video I've watched to do with attachment styles, so many “Yes!!!’ and lightbulb moments, describing how my lady reacts, Is at times.
Again I apologise for the length of this, and hope, and look forward to someone being able to offer some advise, insight, I basically have no one to talk to and or discuss this with so I am finding it pretty hard atm!!!
Kind Regards, and stay safe everyone.
We met at a meetup social group mid May, had a long conversation, discovered we had a lot in common, that was it. A couple of weekends later I went away for a last ditch weekend with my then ex LDR partner, she has been pushing me out of her life for some 3 months, I went away thinking it was make or break, but after how everything had been going for the last few months knew in my heart it was probably done, and it was.
Some days later I messaged this Lady, saying hello, and that I enjoyed our conversation the other week etc. She replied, likewise and we started chatting. We met at another meetup social night a week or so later. That’s where we started spending more time, talking to each other, being with each other and basically, fairly quickly were seeing each other every weekend, all weekend, and once midweek for dinner. Things were good, we had a lot in common in future plans, goals, likes, hobbies, liked each other’s company, had both had 2 unsuccessful marriages, she has 4 adult children, I have 2, mine still at school, teenagers. I had had a not so happy at times childhood, living with my mother when my parents divorced. She had grown up with 3 sisters, but in a fairly volatile, toxic at times environment, her parents were married, but her father was an alcoholic, so things were not always good. I am a 51 year old male, she is 60.
Over time she sort of hinted about FB etc, but I never added her, eventually she friend requested me, I accepted. The next day she rang and went off, saying ‘it all makes sense now etc.’ There was photos on my FB account of my ex LDR partner, and she could see the timeline from when we met, and I had broken up with her, Ill not deny there is a fine line there. She wasn’t happy, I explained what had happened etc. Over time she wanted me to delete all my past photos, ex still being on there as a friend etc. I said I would but we sort of clashed over it, her assumption being I was still in love with her etc??? To be fair and with hindsight I was probably in denial. Some time later I did delete all the photos as I realised it did mean & cause her a lot of angst. And ended up deleting my ex, all her friends, family off FB as well, I wanted to move on with my life, was, had fallen in love with this woman and was trying to show her this. Apart from that things were pretty good overall, apart from the odd occasion she would blow up over something trivial, Id end up leaving it a few days then go over there and smooth it over.
In mid Sept I told her I was shutting my FB, social media accounts down , I wanted, needed a break from it all and was basically over them, I didn’t find them healthy or worthwhile anymore. I enjoyed not being on there for some 7 odd weeks before going back and reopening it mid Nov, I friend requested her and she accepted.On Fri 28th Oct I went into Hosp for tests, I had been having tests, MRI’s etc for a few months, she was there when I woke up and took me home and looked after me until Sun morning where she left to go and see her daughter who had moved 100kms away a week before, she has had a lot of worries about her daughter the last 12 months with some mental health issues going on with her.Few days later on the Wed 2nd Nov, evening she rang me as I was leaving a Gardening group event I had been to for the first time. She cracked it with me as we would normally catch up on the Wed night, but no plans had really been made, I hadn’t mentioned I was going to this event. She got really angry and volatile, she basically texted me that night saying it was over, I replied with a pretty angry text in retaliation. Next day messaged me saying ‘Don’t ever speak to me again’. I started NC.
Mon Nov 14th, 11 days later she angrily messaged me , asking had I removed her participation on a walking/hiking event? I said No??? She then rang me, I was actually really happy to hear from her, even though she wasn’t happy. I assured her that I hadn’t and that I wouldn’t do that to her, she then blamed another organiser, I said I’m sure they wouldn’t have and there must be a good explanation? (turned out it was the other Organiser, that created further problem later) She was saying she wouldn’t take this and people messing with her life?? I calmed her and we ended up talking for some 2 hours, then a bit of light texting for the rest of the week.
That Sat she fails to show for the walk, I ring, message her, the others leave, I wait for her, as she may be running late and is out of character for her to not show like this. Later she texts me saying she turned around halfway there and that the previous her being taken off the walk list had played with her mentally all that week. Later that organiser sends her a not so nice message asking why she didn’t turn up. Following night, Sun she rings me saying about this other organiser and what has gone on, we end up talking on the oh for nearly 3 hours, then later on for another 2 hrs.
All that week there is a bit of light texting etc, the odd ph call, I’m taking it easy, trying to stay focused, calm etc. Sun 27thNov she agrees to let me take her out for dinner, we have a fantastic night out, lots of laughing, enjoy each others company, but I do not bring up what had previously transpired, I just want to enjoy it for the moment. I go back to hers for coffee, no intimacy, then we hug,hold each other, kiss her when I leave. Next day everything good. Following night Tues 29th Nov, she rings me, we chat,what weve both been up to etc, but I can tell something is up…
Then she just explodes, going off about random stuff, and that I'm deceitful, don’t change etc? I’m pleading with her, what are you talking about, I have absolutely no idea what she is going on about and what has triggered her, where this is all coming from. She hangs up on me, I try to ring back but she won't answer. I send a couple of texts asking, please tell me what is going on, what have I done or you think I’ve done? Tells me, I’m done with you, Leave me alone.
I end up sending an angry text back basically saying you’re full of shit, accuse me of stuff I haven’t done, then won't talk to me, and say no wonder you’re single and your kids don’t have much to do with you…. Sent in anger, which I’m now ashamed off, was below the belt and mean. Next day she unfriends me on FB, blocks me on everything. Go back into NC , and leave her be.
Fri 16th Dec were both supposed to be on a social night out in the group we met, she has cancelled a lot recently walks, anything she supposed to be going on, so im not sure whether she will go or not.
I turn up an hour after it has started, I see her and at some point say hello, she says hello back but is a bit frosty. Later were together in same area and chat a bit, she warms up, is more friendly and we chat catch up about what has been going on in our lives et, she telling me how busy she has been in her garden etc, lets me buy her a soft drink, is nice. We both decide to leave , I walk her to her car, where i end up talking to her by her car for nearly an hour, she then tells me shell drop me at my car down the road, I end up sitting in hers for prob 90-120 minutes more , just talking, laughing. I eventually say what happened the other week, what did I do, she replies that she cant remember….
Says that I trigger her, neither of her 2 previous husband did, and that were not compatible, says age gap is no good, different cultures etc… I laugh, we grew up in different countries, her Australia, me England, but they are very, very alike. It is a poor excuse, and I see the age gap as just another excuse…as it has never been an issue in the past. She says she doesn’t feel valued or like I want to be with her at times when were out on a night out, despite everyone in the group knowing we were a couple and I always hold her hand, and am affectionate in public, ‘actions speak louder than words’,… It doesn’t make sense to me?? I ask her that when something is bothering her, then tell me before it becomes an issue, she replies that she shouldn’t have too. Brings up an incident in a pub like 3 months before where she walked in late and I supposedly didn’t greet her properly?
First time she has ever mentioned it, Is like she lets all these little things build up and then just explodes. I say Im more than happy to go to counselling on my own, or with her,and will happily do that as I believe in her, I and us. She doesn’t want to. I say Im looking at working on myself to be a better person and to tryand repair my flaws, issues. I had mentioned Attachment styles a few months ago, but she is dismissive of all of it. Tells me not o focus too much on books, videos, online coaches etc.(All I have done the last 6 weeks!!)I drive home, telling her please text me when you’re home safely as its 0115 am by this stage. She does, I tell her I’ve just arrived home safely as well also and goodnight. I also apologise for the previous, last not so nice text about her etc, and say she is a good, beautiful mom, and im sure her kids are extremely proud of her (as Am I) etc, She does not reply, and I haven’t heard anything from her since.
She is a good, good person, I have seen so much good, love and compassion in her I do not want to give up on her, although she appears to be wanting to quit at the moment. I have now signed up to work on myself, my attachment style looking forward to beginning some courses to try and improve me as a man and a person and be a better person in hopefully this or future relationships.
As I said I’m 95% sure she is a FA judging by every single video I've watched to do with attachment styles, so many “Yes!!!’ and lightbulb moments, describing how my lady reacts, Is at times.
Again I apologise for the length of this, and hope, and look forward to someone being able to offer some advise, insight, I basically have no one to talk to and or discuss this with so I am finding it pretty hard atm!!!
Kind Regards, and stay safe everyone.
