boyfriend dumped me last night

Sounds like you'll be moving through the stages of grief, which is normal - bargaining, denial, shock, etc. It's still fresh. It will take time.

Also sounds like there is a lot of underlying addiction issues here. Have you looked into Love Addiction?

I would also look into Internal Family Systems if you can. I mentioned that in my previous post.

You're not numbing with drugs and alcohol, as you said. And that's great. But if you look at him as the substance, sobriety is going to be tough. The pain underneath it all --- which as some of us have already said --- is probably very old (childhood) -- will continue to drive behaviors that may not be helpful, may be painful, non-productive, etc.

You're really fortunate to have such loving friends around you and the guest house; even though it's awkward, I imagine it could be much worse if you truly had nowhere to go or had to spend money on a hotel until you found something.

Thank you seeking.

I think of anxious attachment and love addiction as basically the same thing, no? I was on a forum about LA for quite some time, but got turned off by the religious aspect, surrendering to a higher power, etc., and a strict adherence to marriage/monogamy as the only way. It didn't work for this sex-positive, die-hard atheist. But I'm completely aware that I'm prone to getting "lovesick," and yes, I'm in withdrawl right now with all the symptoms. My hands shake, stomach upset, desperate for the next "hit." Though I managed to keep up my friends, work, hobbies throughout our relationship, he was definitely the center of my universe, and the thing I wanted to do most of the time. I lived for his attention.

I'm in perimenopause, which is actually kind of helpful that my libido has been less insistent than my younger days. I have zero desire to have breakup sex with this man, and honestly? The few lusty thoughts I've had lately were about the last guy I had got with, and not exbf. Probably because that dude was just a fun fling and I don't associate him with PAIN AND REJECTION.

I was raised with what I call a benign neglect. I was clothed, fed, not abused...but no one was emotionally attuned to me, and my childhood was very lonely and isolated. I understand that I seek out people with whom I can attempt to "fix" this. I honestly thought this man was different. He seemed emotionally available, he was up for long, intense, deep talks, he showed up for me in a million ways, like I said, probably the best partner I've had so far as far as communication, care and attentiveness. He made a beautiful home for me. But then at some point after I moved in, everything turned into his way or the highway, and if I stood up for myself or tried to set boundaries, I was showed the door.

I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what to do about it. When he started talking about us being life partners, I told him I couldn't commit to that with a man intent on being poly, it's just too unstable a relationship structure. I refused to give him that title, partner. He claimed to be very hurt by that. He really thought that what he gave me ought to be "enough."

He told me I had too many expectations. The other woman has agreed to have none.

This morning (day 5.) I woke after my first good, long sleep in a week or so. Last night I actually managed to find some feelings of safety and hope, but this morning they seem to have faded. I am truly one of the loneliest people I know. I don't have family close to me, I have a handful of friends, no partner.....It's depressing.

This morning I was craving a text from him, and it came. It was to tell me something nice he'd done for our pets that made them happy. It was deeply unsatisfying, I wept and didn't respond. Though it occurs to me that acts of service is one of his love languages, hence him always trying to show me love by building me something in the house or fixing something or making me something.

I have to go back to the house this afternoon to get some things and I want to see the animals and maybe padddleboard, and it's the weirdest feeling to be dying to see him and my things yet terrified to see him.

Yes, he is a hot mess and living in a fantasy world where he can have a harem of women who don't made demands on him, and where he is doing the right thing by "following his gut" and dumping the woman he only a week ago thought he wanted to spend the rest of his life loving. He's in his late 40's and wants to live like a 20-something, dating and staying out all night doing drugs and being the creepy old guy at music festivals. I have no desire to do any of that.

Thank you all again, being able to come here for support is truly helping I think.

Unfortunately I know the type well. I'm guessing if you go over there he'll solicit you for sex or even maybe another go around now that you've stopped making demands on him.

I'd go in with some clear boundaries knowing this.

This might sound strange but change your text notification sound or mute your phone. Your brain has now associated that sound with the possibility it is him. But a new sound or lack of sound may break the reminder.

Tomorrow will be one week since I shoved a bunch of clothes into a suitcase and left. Yesterday, I went back to the house to get some things and check on the animals. They're fine, though their enclosures are not as clean as when I was tending them. I took my paddleboard out for a bit, paddling and weeping. On the shore, a deer made eye contact with me.

It was tremendously dark to see my things still there, especially this one display case where me mixed our family heirlooms, it was marvelous because we had so many little things that matched: a carved wooden owl made by his grandfather next to a remarkable similar painting of an owl by my father, etc... He hadn't touched anything of mine, down to the glass of wine I was drinking right before I left, still sitting on the coffee table.

His ADHD is clearly in overdrive, the place was chaotic, and I realized how much picking up after him I did. He says he's mostly staying in his "man cave," avoiding the living room entirely, which is full of my furniture, decorations and books.

He came home while I was still there, and we talked a little. He admitted he'd wanted to break up months ago, but didn't because the sex. He says he isn't "over me," and finds new things he misses about me daily. He says he still has some denial going on, too. I still can't talk to him without being fairly vicious, or just crying, so I didn't stay long after he came home, but I did let him hug me for a minute while I cried, just completely overwhelmed by the task at hand.

Sadly, he looks handsomer than ever. When I met him, he was cute but scruffy and had a dad-bod. I taught him about manscaping and convinced him to lose the mustache and got him into paddleboarding, gave him new communication and relationship skills, all this so he can now go off and attempt to bed multiple women. He has the nerve to tell me I "need to learn to be happy alone." I responded that humans aren't meant to be alone, and I've done my time alone and now I'm ready for a real partner. I think he definitely took advantage of how badly I want a life partner, saying what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted--a warm body to come home to after his adventures.

It's true I walk away with is a clearer knowledge of what I will and will not tolerate in my next relationship, assuming there will be one. Am I dreaming that I'll find love and passion again at 51 years old? Right now the long stretch of loneliness in front of me seems un-survivable.

I thank you all for your suggestions. I live on an island with limited resources, and I'm working with a very low budget. I will be in debt soon due to paying F/L/S on an apartment, plus the brakes on my car desperately need repair. My health insurance is not great. In other words, there will be no paying for therapists or checking on neurotransmitters (I'm already on low doses of an antidepressant and an antianxiety.) My belt will be tight or some time.

Last night I was able to enjoy a very long, hot shower, then had a glass of wine outside with my host and his dog, I was even able to crack a few jokes before exhaustion and depression forced me back inside my tiny little room. I slept through the night again without problems.

It has already been said by a couple other people, but this guy has main character syndrome bad. Everything new he says sucks more and more. Good riddance to him.

I've asked about the online SLAA support groups and was told atheist ones absolutely exist. I'm still trying to get specific names of recommended ones, though I'm not sure if the person isn't being specific in their own attempt to remain anonymous in any posts as I know that person IRL. But if you do an internet search for other SLAA groups, you should be able to find different options than the last one that didn't work for you.

It's true I walk away with is a clearer knowledge of what I will and will not tolerate in my next relationship, assuming there will be one. Am I dreaming that I'll find love and passion again at 51 years old? Right now the long stretch of loneliness in front of me seems un-survivable.

I felt this way also…but as I have embraced who I am and found safety within myself….I know that there are several better fits for me….I just haven’t necessarily met them yet. Since you love paddle boarding, have you considered joining a paddle board group? I recently have gotten into shark tooth hunting and have made some great friends through this hobby…and who knows….I could meet someone through it. 🙂. The issue with having a “lack” mindset (ie..there just aren’t that many guys) is that it leads to tolerating incompatible partners. The island you live on now may be small…but the world is large….lots of single men out there…even at our age.