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Post by introvert on Jan 19, 2023 15:58:15 GMT
In the end, tallying his traits and capacities isn't much help, and I know we are all just spitballin' here... there is no problem with his personality so much as how you fit in with it. Self absorbed, are you? Well how can I twist myself to mesh with that? Sex- driven? Well then how can I pressure myself to meet your needs while pushing down my own, so I don't risk losing you? Selfish? How can I blame myself for not being right for you instead of seeing you for who and what you are? Emotionally unavailable, are you? Well let me see how hard I can work to change that, so that I feel better about my position here?
Difficult people are not the problem... how we engage with them due to our own issues is and thats the kicker. It deserves every bit of the wise focus we can summon and I mean wise... not insecure flailing at ourselves with the "I suck!" Stick... objectively, what the heck happened inside of me that I took all this on? what can I do about it?
I believe we all have the full, hearty potential to overcome our wounds and our emotional limitations, and the path is through everything that seems it could crush us.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2023 16:20:02 GMT
In the end, tallying his traits and capacities isn't much help, and I know we are all just spitballin' here... there is no problem with his personality so much as how you fit in with it. Self absorbed, are you? Well how can I twist myself to mesh with that? Sex- driven? Well then how can I pressure myself to meet your needs while pushing down my own, so I don't risk losing you? Selfish? How can I blame myself for not being right for you instead of seeing you for who and what you are? Emotionally unavailable, are you? Well let me see how hard I can work to change that, so that I feel better about my position here? Difficult people are not the problem... how we engage with them due to our own issues is and thats the kicker. It deserves every bit of the wise focus we can summon and I mean wise... not insecure flailing at ourselves with the "I suck!" Stick... objectively, what the heck happened inside of me that I took all this on? what can I do about it? I believe we all have the full, hearty potential to overcome our wounds and our emotional limitations, and the path is through everything that seems it could crush us. Agreed….and it requires work AND grace….because no one heals from years of trauma in a day or a week. I have been in SE therapy for over a year and although I can tell I have made some really good progress, I haven’t re entered the dating pool….which would truly be the test of how far I have come. I remember reading a quote that says we meet people where we are at….so as you grow towards secure….you will meet more secure people. 🙂
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Post by alexandra on Jan 19, 2023 17:24:31 GMT
because apparently, I make sure I choose people who are emotionally unavailable so I don't have to commit either. I have commented to him before that he ascribed motivations to my actions that were NOT what was going on in my reality, often thinking my intention was to control him, whereas in my mind I was just trying to create safety for myself. I think these are really the two most important points in your comment, and they are pretty universal to insecure attachment styles. Both insecure attachers are emotionally unavailable, which is why they pair off. And both do it to try to create safety for themselves. Where he was ascribing motivations that didn't match your reality, vice-versa is undoubtedly true as well. When people have dysfunctional ways of trying to meet their own needs and act out of self-defense, they have a lot of difficulty seeing the other person outside of their own lens and perspective, being able to actually understand the other person's mindset accurately (which usually has competing needs and its own dysfunctional drivers). I did that when I was AP dating FA, and it took me two years of trying to figure out the dynamics to finally see how different his perspectives were from mine, how incompatible even though we both ultimately meant well. It's not necessary to put in that time and focus, though, because focusing on growing your own security instead of on another person is more productive and gets you there faster. I tend to agree with you, this guy is selfish, immature, manipulative, FA, and ADHD, but I don't think he's NPD. Though that doesn't ultimately matter, what matters is what I said in a previous post: he's not all "bad," but he's a terrible partner. And there's still a reason you chose a partner who wasn't mature, which is related to your own insecure attachment issues. Uncovering that you're actually choosing people based on your own emotional unavailability is a huge step.
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 19, 2023 23:39:03 GMT
I've known for a while that I choose EU partners, and I certainly know why. But it's like I think I've fixed the problem--I stop choosing straight women, or workaholics, or people with a personality disorder,but then some whole new realm of emotional unavailability shows up, something I hadn't even thought of!
Could almost say he fits the pattern set with my early relationships with other woman. I'd fall in unrequited love with female sexual partners who "loved me" but weren't gay enough to be "in love" with me. This time, I fell in love with a man who isn't monogamous. He's the right sexual orientation, but the wrong relationship orientation.
Today I went to the house, got a ton of packing done, got my paddleboard. This time, he was the one falling apart and crying, I stayed cool and kept packing. He's "sorry he can't be a better man," and "Doesn't know why he treated me so badly," but the break up is "for the best." I was like, there there, I hugged him tight, then left without getting upset. I feel fine at the moment.
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 23, 2023 19:22:53 GMT
Two weeks post breakup, feeling so LOST. I still think of exbf within minutes of waking up--He's maybe not my first thought, but third or forth. Haven't had contact except a couple of texts about a pet's health issue, and he "hopes I'm doing a bit better every day, even if it's two steps forward, one back."
I've been trying to paddleboard around where I'm staying, but the paddling sucks and I soooo miss living in exbf's house on the water. I spent some time yesterday, funnily enough, with an Emotionally Unavailable ex-girlfriend who I wrote about on here about 4 years ago. We dated for 8 months, then she left me for another woman. She'd wanted to be friends back then, but I wasn't ready. I run into her all the time, we have the same friends, and right now, I can use all the friends I can get, so I reached out. We've gone out a couple times, there's no romantic sparks between us now, so she gave me some insight into HER thought process as an EU at the end of our relationship years ago.
Apparently, the woman she left me for was also not emotionally available (an alcoholic with many walls up.) This allowed her, strangely enough, to go all in. Of course, it didn't work out. It was interesting stuff, but a little picking at the wound for me, I don't think I'll hang out alone with her again.
Anyway, still no luck on finding suitable housing. My hosts are lifesavers, it's nice to have people to have dinner with, someone to say hi to in the morning. But I feel displaced inside and out. Before, I was in too much pain to miss his body, but now....ouch, it's all coming back. Today I saw his very distinctive work van in front of Salvation Army, probably replacing my furniture, and my hands started shaking.
Everything in me is looking for excuses to see him or talk to him, check in and see if he forgot he can't live without me. Trying to write here instead, text friends, about to go get my hair cut.....
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Post by introvert on Jan 24, 2023 0:21:59 GMT
Two weeks post breakup, feeling so LOST. I still think of exbf within minutes of waking up--He's maybe not my first thought, but third or forth. Haven't had contact except a couple of texts about a pet's health issue, and he "hopes I'm doing a bit better every day, even if it's two steps forward, one back." I've been trying to paddleboard around where I'm staying, but the paddling sucks and I soooo miss living in exbf's house on the water. I spent some time yesterday, funnily enough, with an Emotionally Unavailable ex-girlfriend who I wrote about on here about 4 years ago. We dated for 8 months, then she left me for another woman. She'd wanted to be friends back then, but I wasn't ready. I run into her all the time, we have the same friends, and right now, I can use all the friends I can get, so I reached out. We've gone out a couple times, there's no romantic sparks between us now, so she gave me some insight into HER thought process as an EU at the end of our relationship years ago. Apparently, the woman she left me for was also not emotionally available (an alcoholic with many walls up.) This allowed her, strangely enough, to go all in. Of course, it didn't work out. It was interesting stuff, but a little picking at the wound for me, I don't think I'll hang out alone with her again. Anyway, still no luck on finding suitable housing. My hosts are lifesavers, it's nice to have people to have dinner with, someone to say hi to in the morning. But I feel displaced inside and out. Before, I was in too much pain to miss his body, but now....ouch, it's all coming back. Today I saw his very distinctive work van in front of Salvation Army, probably replacing my furniture, and my hands started shaking. Everything in me is looking for excuses to see him or talk to him, check in and see if he forgot he can't live without me. Trying to write here instead, text friends, about to go get my hair cut..... You're doing so good, in spite of. This sucks so bad! Hang in there this is for YOU.
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 26, 2023 14:23:09 GMT
I'm committing to an efficiency apartment. I'm writing the check today.
It's the smallest place I've ever lived in my life, and doesn't have a kitchen, but the price is right, there's a washer/dryer on the property, it's right in the city and the selling point for me is it's on the water! Also one of my besties lives just a couple doors down. There's a giant tortoise on the property, bigger than the one I'm leaving behind at my ex's! But I'm not allowed to have any pets of my own there. I'm worried the landlord will be up my neck and I won't feel like it's my space (the apartment is attached to landlord's house.) Today I'm going to the exbf's house he will help me move, the process will probably take a couple days while I figure out what I can and cannot fit.
I cannot say I'm at all joyful about this move. It's the first time in my adult life I've not been excited for what I am moving towards. In the past, I've been moving on up, always into a better place or situation. I wept looking at the apartment before I agreed to take it. The walls are dingy, and the landlord won't let me paint, she says they "just painted." There's just a small window AC unit I'm worried summer will be rough. But the floors are really nice tile and the shower looks nice. It's also a month to month lease so if I'm unhappy there I can keep looking.
I hate how excited I feel to get to see exbf and be around him today. My body doesn't seem to get that it's over, and still craves his attention. Pretty soon I'll be finished moving and won't have any excuses to see him, unless to visit my pets, and maybe that's best.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me, I could not stop crying, just completely overwhelmed with grief and fear. I cried in front of my hosts in the morning, I called my bestie, sobbing, in the afternoon, then worse, last night I called HIM crying, I was absolutely bawling while trying to go over the details of what I need from him to get this move done. I may as well be honest with him about the fact that I'm not doing well, I clearly am unable to fake it. I'm not asking him to take me back or anything, I'm just treating him like a friend who is listening to my feelings about this f-ed up situation. I don't like making him feel guilty, it's undignified and manipulation, but then again, maybe I'm fawning because I do need him to help me with the big stuff and stay focused for a little while longer until I'm settled in the new place. I feel like he owes me that.
I have never understood people who can let go of relationships so easily. Of course, I have that scarcity mindset, and cling to my people if there's enough good in the relationship. Yes, I take hostages.The people I let go of, it was because the relationship was so wholly unsatisfying that I had to leave. Is that how he felt about us? I know it doesn't matter. But last year at this time, I was getting ready to move into his place and I was just floating on air, so excited and happy to start a new life. The contrast to my present feelings are a gutpunch. I understand a lot of that was fantasy. He was never going to be the focused, relationship-oriented partner I need. I'm trying thought-stopping, and ridiculing him in my mind to make him more repulsive, but it isn't stopping the wanting him and missing him. All I've been able to do lately is read books about how to heal from breakups and emotionally unavailable partners, I can't even concentrate on anything else.
Anyway, I plan to stay in my friends' guest cottage another couple of nights while I try to get my big girl pants on, I'm not quite ready to be all alone in a new place yet.
Thanks for listening, guys, I know I'm not really asking for specific help, just venting/journaling to try to make it through this...but of course tips and tricks to feeling better are appreciated.
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 7, 2023 15:23:26 GMT
Just checking in, it's interesting to me (and maybe others going through a breakup) to see where I was verses where I am now.
One month ago, my 3 year relationship ended.
I've settled into my new place, my 3rd address in less than a year. I'm grateful to have found it, it's a great deal for the area, but it makes me sad to compare it to the last two places I lived which were bigger and nicer.
For the past couple of days, for the first time since the breakup, moments of joy have made their way to my consciousness, little things like a gift from a new friend, a bird in the yard, something I put on my bookshelf in a way that tickled me. Sometimes, there's a lifting...
But then, last night the loneliness felt brutal, there was too much drinking and bawling and scrolling dating sites, so I'm clearly not out of the woods.
I haven't heard from or contacted exbf since he came over to mount my tv and wall art. Again, we both cried saying goodbye. He said it was up to me how much contact I wanted us to have. I feel bad that he's doing pet care alone for pets that were ours and one that was mine before I met him, but I'm in no condition to see him or go to the house for a while.
My rumination is not as bad as in past breakups. Maybe because I started new anti anxiety meds about a month before the breakup, and they help with relationship anxiety? Maybe because the person I was with before him also left me for another woman, so I have practice surviving this particular trauma? Or maybe the thought-stopping, watertank mediations, talking to inner child, etc. is actually working?
But I still have moments of intense agitation where I just can't sit still, and when I'm out, I'm terrified of running into him with other woman. The sight of any vehicle that might be his still sends my adrenaline pumping.
I still worry I'll never find anyone who came close to our chemistry when things were good...heck, even when things were bad sometimes. But let me remind myself when I'm reading this later, that I started feeling like this was survivable a month after the breakup, and for me, who is a bad-breaker-upper, that's pretty darn good.
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Post by introvert on Feb 7, 2023 16:01:50 GMT
Just checking in, it's interesting to me (and maybe others going through a breakup) to see where I was verses where I am now. One month ago, my 3 year relationship ended. I've settled into my new place, my 3rd address in less than a year. I'm grateful to have found it, it's a great deal for the area, but it makes me sad to compare it to the last two places I lived which were bigger and nicer. For the past couple of days, for the first time since the breakup, moments of joy have made their way to my consciousness, little things like a gift from a new friend, a bird in the yard, something I put on my bookshelf in a way that tickled me. Sometimes, there's a lifting... But then, last night the loneliness felt brutal, there was too much drinking and bawling and scrolling dating sites, so I'm clearly not out of the woods. I haven't heard from or contacted exbf since he came over to mount my tv and wall art. Again, we both cried saying goodbye. He said it was up to me how much contact I wanted us to have. I feel bad that he's doing pet care alone for pets that were ours and one that was mine before I met him, but I'm in no condition to see him or go to the house for a while. My rumination is not as bad as in past breakups. Maybe because I started new anti anxiety meds about a month before the breakup, and they help with relationship anxiety? Maybe because the person I was with before him also left me for another woman, so I have practice surviving this particular trauma? Or maybe the thought-stopping, watertank mediations, talking to inner child, etc. is actually working? But I still have moments of intense agitation where I just can't sit still, and when I'm out, I'm terrified of running into him with other woman. The sight of any vehicle that might be his still sends my adrenaline pumping. I still worry I'll never find anyone who came close to our chemistry when things were good...heck, even when things were bad sometimes. But let me remind myself when I'm reading this later, that I started feeling like this was survivable a month after the breakup, and for me, who is a bad-breaker-upper, that's pretty darn I think you're still sounding good! I understand what you're saying about comparing your place to the places you've loved. BUT! Compare your emotional space now with previous breakups, that's where you've acquired some wonderful real estate. You definitely are making progress! Maybe do what you can to really make that space your own sanctuary. Treat it like it's your temple! Love the space you're in because it's yours. And the scarcity mindset is definitely just a limited POV... many many people including myself overcome that through the process. It's an illusion based on the lack that attachment insecurity attempts to survive, and as you come into the space of loving yourself the way you've been craving, that lack will become a thing of the past. alexandra is a great example of that, as is tnr9 who is enjoying her hobbies and making her way through singlehood while finding her peace and security.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 7, 2023 19:25:30 GMT
If it's any consolation, the chemistry fear is a bit of a trap as well. What I realized as I gained more life experience and a better understanding of my insecure attachment was a lot of intense chemistry was my anxious nervous system being activated, and feeling connection bringing temporary stress release and quieting fears (the good times). That's a recipe for super duper highs and lows but not a good relationship foundation. There's different types of chemistry beyond that, that I wasn't experiencing yet when I was textbook AP, but that are extremely satisfying and sustainable and far better for having your needs actually met. It sounds really abstract until you experience it, but there is still more out there, and far less to worry about and fear than it may seem right now.
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Post by introvert on Feb 7, 2023 19:38:24 GMT
If it's any consolation, the chemistry fear is a bit of a trap as well. What I realized as I gained more life experience and a better understanding of my insecure attachment was a lot of intense chemistry was my anxious nervous system being activated, and feeling connection bringing temporary stress release and quieting fears (the good times). That's a recipe for super duper highs and lows but not a good relationship foundation. There's different types of chemistry beyond that, that I wasn't experiencing yet when I was textbook AP, but that are extremely satisfying and sustainable and far better for having your needs actually met. It sounds really abstract until you experience it, but there is still more out there, and far less to worry about and fear than it may seem right now. I can testify to this too! I had crazy chemistry with my last bad match, before I met my current guy. I was convinced that I'd never find something like that again and actually I was right. I found better. Different. It's like losing the taste for sickly sweet food and gaining a taste for fine flavor and texture and nutritional content 😃 I wasn't attracted to my man at first, but I literally Chose him as a conscious choice because I was comfortable with him and we operated with respect and care, and openness. I knew with my head he was good for me, and my heart and body followed. He's the hot guy to me now, three years on. Everyone is different how they experience and describe chemistry, but for me when I followed my body I always ended up in something really toxic. Operating out of a more secure base with conscious decisions in place instead of an unconscious narrative, I found a very good love life in all regards including chemistry.
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Post by introvert on Feb 7, 2023 19:41:58 GMT
And I'm not sure I described that accurately! I did lead with my body this time but what I mean is I was actually paying attention to the physical signs of my regulation, If you will. Being around him and interacting with him I felt warm and comfortable instead of dysregulated in any way. Like how I feel with great friends. And my mind said "Yep, this is what feels safe and sustainable to me."
My whole being felt solid like I was taking care of myself, instead of avoiding anything or living in a disconnected way.
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 8, 2023 15:17:01 GMT
Safe, sustainable and sexy...that all sounds very good to me. I knew something about exbf and I was UNSUSTAINABLE and yet I kept digging, thinking maybe the problem was MY lack of commitment.
Going back to when I first met exbf on Okcupid...I thought he was super cute on our first meet, we had great, intimate conversation. Incidentally, that was Valentine's day, so I'm NOT looking forward to what would have been our 3 year anniversary next week!
Turns out, I learned during our breakup, that Valentine's Day as he was walking home from our date, he ran into the other woman and they shared a passionate kiss, so there goes my meet-cute story. I can't logically be mad about it, we'd just met; a few days later, I went on a date with someone else. But GRRRRR!!!!!
Anyway, there were a couple more dates with exbf where I felt less enthusiastic, thought he was nice but didn't feel the chemistry, but knew that "chemistry" is bad for me and decided to stick with seeing him again because he seemed sweet. By our fourth or fifth date, the spark was back. Maybe because that's when he finally made a move on me? Or were we already sparking and I gave him signals? I can't remember.
During the early part of our relationship, he was the first person in a long time who seemed to meet me where I was at. He didn't come at me too hard, or not enough. I felt comfortable enough that my relationship anxiety stayed in check. Of course, I have to remember, some of this was during pandemic lockdown--in normal times, I wonder if he'd have been around less.
During those two or three early dates when I was feeling sort of meh about him, the vibe reminded me of my ex husband, who I thought was "too nice" when I first met him in my mid 20's. That partnership wasn't based on sexy chemistry at all, but friendship. My married sex life was ok, not great. I'd never settle for it now. Still, I stayed with him 16 years, fairly securely, as I never had to worry about losing him to another, or about him abandoning me outright, he was old-school enough to stay in a marriage even if it made him miserable. Instead I lost him to work, drugs and alcohol, and I left (abandoned?) the marriage.
I know the type that I'm drawn to, I think I've talked about it here, men and women with Big D***k Energy. Exbf showed this in his flashy way of dressing, his fearlessness in expressing his feminine side. He came off as very comfortable in his own skin. This is something I wish I had more of, and admire in others.
That, and the other thing I'm attracted to...people who "speak the same language." Like if someone doesn't know anything about non-monogamy or the LGBTQ community or kink...that maybe isn't going to be a match for me. I'd like to find someone who has done a lot of sexual exploration and has tried different relationship styles but is ready to "settle down" to exploration with one person, using the unique tools acquired in non-traditional relationships.
Safe, sustainable and sexy...a new mantra.
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Post by introvert on Feb 8, 2023 15:52:13 GMT
Ha, I get you with that Big D energy. I always was attracted to Alpha types not understanding that they were insecure too.It was a recipe for disaster. Interesting that my partner has a different kind of energy which is self confident without all the outward display. It's more genuine, forged in his own history of overcoming being bullied when he was younger, but moving on to pursue his dreams and becoming very successful in a number of areas. It's the gift of adhd that he operates in, it's pretty cool, and we work together on the down side of that haha. But he was definitely respectful, really like the textbook "A man who really cares for you will do these things" courtship. I was like "wow, this stuff is real!" The other side of that is that I was truly operating from a new place as well. I had FINALLY made a boundary for myself, no casual sex. I stopped excusing my poor boundaries with "I'm a liberated woman, I can do what I want, I'm an adult, this is healthy!" Those were all coverups for my unhealthy way of using sex in place of intimacy and connection. It was a way to hide really.
Safe, sustainable, and sexy is a great mantra!!!! Love it.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 8, 2023 18:18:52 GMT
It seems like you're trying to understand your "story," which is good. And I don't mean with your ex, I mean overall, the last number of decades, how you got to this point. This is a step for working on attachment challenges, usually needs to go all the way back to childhood, but you don't need to be there immediately. Anyway, the one thing I read in all that was you asked if you abandoned your secure marriage and ex, even though he was grappling with multiple addictions. The answer is no, you were in an untenable situation and he wasn't dealing with it or changing. Do not make part of your narrative in understanding your life that you had a lackluster marriage that you abandoned, you had a partner who wasn't growing in a healthy direction with you and eventually you realized you needed to prioritize your own needs as he didn't want help and there was nothing you could do for him at that point. That's more than okay, that is NOT abandonment.
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