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Post by trippintre on Jan 19, 2023 2:35:50 GMT
Is it a possible pattern for an FA to keep entering into codependent relationships? Is there something about that dynamic that feels really good to them (like "love") at the beginning but then burns out and falls apart for obvious reasons due to enmeshment?
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2023 3:26:08 GMT
Is it a possible pattern for an FA to keep entering into codependent relationships? Is there something about that dynamic that feels really good to them (like "love") at the beginning but then burns out and falls apart for obvious reasons due to enmeshment? Hi and welcome….it sounds like this guy and you had a very typical AP (you) and “unaware” FA leaning DA (him) relationship. If you read through the FA or even the AP section…you will see that insecurely attached individuals are usually attracted to other insecure individuals. What you experienced is the honeymoon phase….it happens in all relationships but the duration and intensity of this phase tends to be more extreme for people with insecure attachments….and it isn’t just people who have FA attachment. At the initial phase of any relationship…both people don’t really know each other…so a lot of the hot , heavy and fast actions are based on a fantasy of the other person. It sounds like once you met his parents the relationship started to get “real” for him and his doubts about his ability to continue to be in the relationship led to him breaking up with you. It likely wasn’t necessarily anything about you, but an unaware FA has 2 fears…fears of being abandoned and fears of being engulfed. I am sorry it happened out of the blue…that happened to me and it really did hurt for a long time. |
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Post by trippintre on Jan 19, 2023 6:26:21 GMT
Is it a possible pattern for an FA to keep entering into codependent relationships? Is there something about that dynamic that feels really good to them (like "love") at the beginning but then burns out and falls apart for obvious reasons due to enmeshment? Hi and welcome….it sounds like this guy and you had a very typical AP (you) and “unaware” FA leaning DA (him) relationship. If you read through the FA or even the AP section…you will see that insecurely attached individuals are usually attracted to other insecure individuals. What you experienced is the honeymoon phase….it happens in all relationships but the duration and intensity of this phase tends to be more extreme for people with insecure attachments….and it isn’t just people who have FA attachment. At the initial phase of any relationship…both people don’t really know each other…so a lot of the hot , heavy and fast actions are based on a fantasy of the other person. It sounds like once you met his parents the relationship started to get “real” for him and his doubts about his ability to continue to be in the relationship led to him breaking up with you. It likely wasn’t necessarily anything about you, but an unaware FA has 2 fears…fears of being abandoned and fears of being engulfed. I am sorry it happened out of the blue…that happened to me and it really did hurt for a long time. It's interesting because I've never dealt with a truly avoidant person in a relationship so he seemed secure to me from the get go. I was even trying to assess all along if he seemed secure and he did. I think it's because his more anxious side was active in the beginning of the relationship and he was projecting that fantasy on me. Definitely something I'd be aware of in the future. It's also new for me to be in a relationship with someone who clearly consciously wants closeness and a serious relationship but subconsciously fears it so he landed on the excuse of something being missing when I think he just had a lot of anxiety and didn't know where to place those feelings. I feel for him because I think he really wants to love and be loved in return but I'm afraid he'll never get there unless he becomes aware and in touch with his feelings and the motivations behind his behavior. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2023 15:38:51 GMT
Hi and welcome….it sounds like this guy and you had a very typical AP (you) and “unaware” FA leaning DA (him) relationship. If you read through the FA or even the AP section…you will see that insecurely attached individuals are usually attracted to other insecure individuals. What you experienced is the honeymoon phase….it happens in all relationships but the duration and intensity of this phase tends to be more extreme for people with insecure attachments….and it isn’t just people who have FA attachment. At the initial phase of any relationship…both people don’t really know each other…so a lot of the hot , heavy and fast actions are based on a fantasy of the other person. It sounds like once you met his parents the relationship started to get “real” for him and his doubts about his ability to continue to be in the relationship led to him breaking up with you. It likely wasn’t necessarily anything about you, but an unaware FA has 2 fears…fears of being abandoned and fears of being engulfed. I am sorry it happened out of the blue…that happened to me and it really did hurt for a long time. It's interesting because I've never dealt with a truly avoidant person in a relationship so he seemed secure to me from the get go. I was even trying to assess all along if he seemed secure and he did. I think it's because his more anxious side was active in the beginning of the relationship and he was projecting that fantasy on me. Definitely something I'd be aware of in the future. It's also new for me to be in a relationship with someone who clearly consciously wants closeness and a serious relationship but subconsciously fears it so he landed on the excuse of something being missing when I think he just had a lot of anxiety and didn't know where to place those feelings. I feel for him because I think he really wants to love and be loved in return but I'm afraid he'll never get there unless he becomes aware and in touch with his feelings and the motivations behind his behavior. That is the thing about an unaware FA….they don’t know that all of these “feelings” are coming from an activated nervous system and are not tied to the other person. I would not feel bad for him…that will simply distract you from looking into your own attachment history to see if there are changes that you can make for yourself. |
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