I can't claim to be 100% secure at the moment but I think I WAS before my encounter with my recent ex. I would love for you to join me on my journey back to the secure side.
I'll give a short overview because I'm sure my story is almost identical to a lot of people here. Boy becomes infatuated with girl. Girl accepts advances. Boy tells her he loves her. Girl feels secure in the relationship and tries to express her own love. Boy starts to push her away. Girl is confused and wants off the roller coaster. Boy explains life would be beak without her. Girl gives it more time and expresses clearly what she needs in this relationship. Boy hightails it out of there with only a "it didn't work out" as a "reason. Girl left completely dazed but determined to find answers. Boy tries really hard to explain his feelings. Girl listens intently and learns about Attachment styles. Girl tries share information. Boy, frustrated, tells girl he's cares for her and she means something to him but he's not in love with her anymore. Girl finally shuts it down and starts focusing on herself again. Boy remains secretly miserable. Girl continues to deeply love boy...from a distance.
I get the feelings. Like I said I was secure but this situation triggered an anxious side of me. (Well this situation and a situation involving a betrayal by my best friend of 10 years. Unfolding all at once, it shook my secure foundation to the core. messed me up!)
So, I'm now reclaiming my security and putting the pieces back together after allowing myself the time I needed to grieve the loss.
So if you want, I'm here to listen. What do you need right now?
Hi Foggyfroggy....right now I am just looking for some secure individuals who can help me to process things when I am in the grips of my attachment system and can help to mentor me to make more secure decisions etc.
Well tnr9 I do understand. This stuff is really tough. Feelings and logic don't always cooperate well. Changes are you are already making a lot of great decisions. Sometimes it's hard to recognize them as good decisions when they don't get the results we hoped for, but that doesn't mean they weren't still good decisions.
Do you have your story posted somewhere, if so do you mind telling me so that I can read it?
The reason I don't is for 2 reasons....1. Parts of my story with my ex would reveal things that he shared in private...things he entrusted me with....and I take that very seriously. 2. I don't want to make this so much about him....I mean, I DO.....and I do often.....but my story is much much broader than my ex.
I totally respect that you don't want to give too much detail. It is very kind of you to respect those individuals in that way.
I just read your posts. You express yourself so well. You are well on your way to secure because you can identify your own feelings and actions and articulate them.
Now, I am not in any way a professional on any of this, just someone discovering things myself.
Some are born securely attached but I believe I am what they call here an Earned Secure. I can relate to a lot of what you have expressed. I too am aware of my issues with abandonment from an early age and I too can be anxiously triggered when it comes to romantic relationships so I have had to learn to become very aware of what it is that leads up to my actions. It's like thinking two steps ahead. That has been SO helpful to me!
The problem, I feel with anxious thought is not so much the thought itself, what becomes harmful to us is the we act on it. As annoying and painful as it is, as long as it is a thought or story in our head it, that's all it is. The moment we act on it, then it becomes tangible so-to-speak. So yes, we have to train ourselves to make better decisions when it comes to acting on our impulses.
When I was younger I had a naturally very serious face. People used to tell me I needed to smile more or that I was mean. I wasn't mean, just deep in thought. But they were right I did need to smile more. It weird and contrived for me at first but I forced myself to smile more. Years later I had someone tell me, you are always so happy, I notice you are always smiling! I didn't even realize it, smiling had just become natural to me!
There is a phrase I use "Fake the Funk" basically "fake it 'till you make it". The more secure you behave the more secure you will genuinely become and feel until that is your go to.
But situations like dealing with someone avoidantly attached can trigger that anxiety and set you back a few steps if you are not vigilant. That's what happened to me. Happily, I'm finally starting to feel secure again.
If there is any way I can help do let me know. I find that paying it forward is the best therapy for me.