Responding when FA returns

Hi there….I used all the gottman strategies with my last boyfriend (who identified as FA)….did not change the outcome at all…he still pulled away, he still felt unsure, he still broke up with me. Not all FAs return, not all FAs who return want to rekindle a dating relationship. And regardless of how you pretzel things on your side, unless there has been some work internally from the other person, there is a high probability of exactly the same dance that you already went through. It sounds to me like you are doing lots of research to try to get things right…I did the exact same thing. A better use of your time will likely be to decide if you are ok if nothing chances….if this person keeps deactivating/going silent for weeks. If that is not appealing to you, then I would suggest figuring out the kind of partner you want and seeking out someone who displays those qualities.

Thank you to you both for responding.

I was really just chasing some general approaches that might be useful to all. The type you may be able to find in an article. But maybe it does need to be specific to the situation.

tnr9, I do appreciate your comments on spending time pretzelling to the others demands and where I would be better to focus my efforts. I have definitely done plenty of pretzel making of myself in the past to little avail.

Happy to give a bit more background, but would appreciate if the commentary is more in line with my question rather than advising that I need to decide whether I stay or go. Not because I'm trying to avoid that thought process, but because I am aware of this and I'm at a place where I'm ok to let it go if that's what is needed.

We've had a 9 year on-off relationship. We struggled during Covid lockdowns and broke up and lived separately about 18 months ago. We've kept in contact as we each have kids that basically grew up together and regard each other as sisters.

I stopped contacting her for a few months as she was starting to pursue another guy and I just wanted to focus on my life and moving forward. After that time though, I reached out and we started to hang out more and more (thing with other guy fizzled before starting), sex was a regular thing and our girls were enjoying hanging out together. over the 4 months we've been back in contact, we've been camping, made plans for a small trip and I've been helping with her house renovations. Things have been nice. We had agreed that we weren't putting a title on anything and just see where things go.

We were recently at a friends place and during a conversation with one of her friends she made a comment along the lines of "oh, no, we're not together". I was a bit hurt by this and later on mentioned it. We talked a bit about it calmly. I mentioned that she is free to stop pursuing this with me at anytime, but that I would like to continue and that i'd like us to be exclusive and to at least say that we're dating. She agreed to this and even later on when I invited her to a gig I had tickets for we had a laugh about "oohh it sounds like dinner and a date".

Since then though, she turned down the date, has suggested a catch up and then made other plans, not reaching out over text or phone like before and I guess, plenty of other avoidant behaviour. I've done my best to not get annoyed or angry and to just breath through it and not take it personally and to just let her take space. This has been about 2 weeks now. I'm pretty calm about it all now, though definitely went through my ups and downs.

As for my attachment style. I'm definitely AP. I have done a tonne of work on myself over the last 12 months though in mindfulness based therapy which I can definitely see the benefits. Definitely not secure (at least not in this relationship atm haha), but quite self-aware and able to self-regulate (still can take me a couple of days sometimes though).

I agree with tnr9, and I think the reason you're not getting specific approach-based answers is because most of the FAs on this board (who are all aware of their own attachment styles) and those of us who have had long relationships with them that never worked out no matter what know that the FA behaviors are generally about themselves and not their partners. Yes, you can trigger an FA more by pushing them for a more serious relationship than they want, but even if you don't, they have their own issues caused by their past that have nothing to do with you. Unaware insecures of any attachment type will inevitably trigger themselves. Which means there's nothing you can do to shift or even manipulate the dynamic or their responses, it is on them what they want and what they may or may not choose to work on within themselves. So all you can do is make choices that are respectful towards others but prioritize and respect yourself and your needs.

If things being 100% on her terms is okay with you, then back off and let her approach and call the shots. If this inconsistency and anxious-avoidant trap dynamic has been the pattern over the past 9 years, though, why is anything going to change now? Has she been doing any work to get more secure or going to therapy, or have only you been putting in that effort on your side? I dated an unaware FA for a long time, textbook AP the first go around, almost secure the second. My behavior was completely different both times, he repeated completely each time. It didn't matter what I did, though letting him approach and always being extremely calm and keeping emotions from escalating allowed us to have better communication. Having to be so measured in how I communicated wasn't entirely fair to me, but I did learn a lot about what he was thinking when it allowed him to open up (usually not at all what I thought or assumed), and eventually it brought me to a very firm understanding that we didn't work because we were actually very incompatible. People have to go through their own process to get to that decision, but 9 years is a very, very long time to be seeing things through without any long-term stability, so that's why you're being advised to make sure you really know what you want and are firm with your own needs and boundaries within yourself as you approach this, instead of making it all about her and your assumptions of her needs. You don't want to enable her if she's displaying unhealthy avoidant behavior, because that's actually codependency and won't get you both on better relationship footing.