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Post by tnr9 on Feb 6, 2023 22:40:46 GMT
Your failure has probably made you bitter and biased, and conveniently conclude that everyone else have failed. Most likely I will fail too, going by statistics and the experts' own caution. But at least I will not be bitter and I will not falsely conclude that no one can succeed just because I don't succeed. The world is big and there are other cases and stories and real persons. Don't be so closed minded and don't hide your bitterness behind your fellow bitter posters who also want everyone else to cut and run. I have read or watched podcasts from all of these experts….during the time I dated a guy who also had FA attachment wounding and also after he broke up with me. I believed if I did all the secure things…gave him freedom, was agreeable, no conflict, no arguments etc. that it would keep us going….but it did not change what was going on inside him. You are certainly welcome to pursue your path…but what we have all been saying is that it did not work for a single person on these boards….take a couple of handfuls of “experts, specialists and counselors” (a few of which were FA) over hundreds of people who have posted here. That is a choice you can make…but to negate the advice of those of us here who have read and written back to all of those individuals through those years as closed minded…when you haven’t even been here a day. I do wish you well and hope for the best…but I stand by my earlier comments. But it hasn’t…my failure led me to look at my own attachment wounding. It has led to huge improvements in my life. There really isn’t any bitterness. But it seems that you have misread my comment. I was not stating it was just me, it was hundreds of people on these forums. |
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bluex
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Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 22:50:11 GMT
Thanks. Indeed, I watched that recently. Paulien Timmer is an inspiration, though a less than common case I believe. I am still on good terms with my ex and there are signs she is struggling with her feelings for me. I am not ready to give up yet even though I know my chance of success is not high going by the average stats. But it will not be indefinite and by the end, even if it doesn't work out, either my feelings would have faded along with hers and we are ok just as friends or I will back away and let her go. It is stereotypical and arrogant to assume that all the other success cases and advice are false or wrong outside the active posters here. Thanks for being an exception to what seems to be quite a toxic forum so far. If you're familiar with Paulien Timmer, you might have come across some of her videos, which are actually an amazing resource. Here's one you might or might not have seen, but she lays it all out as clearly as anyone could. If you want to be in a relationship with someone who has fearful avoidant attachment wounds... but also, I think this applies to anyone who wants to be in a relationship with anyone at all... I think you need to be prepared to love them for exactly who they are at that moment in time. Not who they may or may not become... no clauses, no expectations for them to figure things out in a certain timeline. You need to decide what you want in a partner, and what is acceptable for you, and figure out if this person is able to give it to you. I think it's all workable, no matter the attachment style, as long as the other person has the desire, willingness and capacity to keep showing up and working on things, making changes as they're needed, growing together. Some people want to but they just can't. Only you can figure out where this woman sits in that area. www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h3cby1SgOA |
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bluex
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Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 22:53:21 GMT
Yes keep assuming that's the only scenario and the only way and keep assuming the hundreds. This only goes to show the bitterness you still harbour against the past and the stereotype you resort to for dealing with your bitterness. But it hasn’t…my failure led me to look at my own attachment wounding. It has led to huge improvements in my life. There really isn’t any bitterness. But it seems that you have misread my comment. I was not stating it was just me, it was hundreds of people on these forums. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 6, 2023 23:02:32 GMT
Yes keep assuming that's the only scenario and the only way and keep assuming the hundreds. This only goes to show the bitterness you still harbour against the past and the stereotype you resort to for dealing with your bitterness. But it hasn’t…my failure led me to look at my own attachment wounding. It has led to huge improvements in my life. There really isn’t any bitterness. But it seems that you have misread my comment. I was not stating it was just me, it was hundreds of people on these forums. And you keep misreading my posts. I guess you are bitter because you keep projecting that onto me. Good luck. |
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bluex
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Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 23:09:17 GMT
Ah, trying to deflect and change the topic once it's clear that you are resorting to stereotyping all FA relationships and outcomes just to justify your own experience and to deal with your bitterness and pain. That's not the way. Learn to move on and open your mind to other information, wisdom, and cases. And you keep misreading my posts. I guess you are bitter because you keep projecting that onto me. Good luck. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Feb 6, 2023 23:37:05 GMT
What you're saying about there being a route to a healthy relationship by being as secure as you can on the other side and allowing the other person to step into healthier ways of relating as you go along... it does happen sometimes. Probably not often as you've said, but it does happen. And having a go at that is not wrong. It doesn't make you insecure or wrong for giving it a go and being prepared to walk away with a sore heart if it doesn't work. There is always risk in love... we can never avoid it entirely.
Another person you might like to look up is the Julie Menanno, she has an instagram page called 'The Secure Relationship'. She talks about fearful avoidant attachment as being something that is totally possible to heal, she's seen many couples overcome it in her practice, but there is a lot more work involved than in other dynamics. Seems unfair to me, but there we have it. She cites proper research in her work too. I love her stuff.
But I have to say, the guys here have been very supportive and generous to many people, based on their own experiences in life and on the board. Ideally there is space for everyone's perspectives, experiences and opinions in this world... the irony is that with attachment work, it's really a coming back to self that is required... figuring out who we are and what we need and how to communicate that in a way that allows us to stay connected and at peace. So while it's useful to listen to what others say, it's really this coming back to self that gets you to where you need to be and feeling truly comfortable with all of your decisions, whether those decisions lead you to the 'right' person or not.
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Post by mrob on Feb 6, 2023 23:41:05 GMT
Look, bluex this is a small forum that deals with big stuff pretty effectively. I have sympathy for your cause, and will defend your right to have a different opinion, but please don’t be rude because people say things you disagree with. I assure you nobody here approaches your situation with malice, however it’s interpreted. Please. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Feb 7, 2023 3:22:58 GMT
Yeah I have to say I feel mrob is spot on with this, and it does need to be said out loud. There's really never any need to go on the personal attack when these conversations are had. There's always a way to disagree respectfully. |
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bluex
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Post by bluex on Feb 7, 2023 3:53:32 GMT
The rudeness and personal attack did not start from me. It started when a few active posters decided to be dismissive and make assumptions about me without even reading. I was simply responding in kind. However I do think they are still having personal issues and quite far from healing when they insist on the extreme that there is one and only one way to handle an unhealed FA ex, to cut and run immediately. I am simply phrasing it in the same sanctimonious manner that they have done. The few posters are creating a toxic forum where new posters have to accept their one and only shallow philosophy. Look, bluex this is a small forum that deals with big stuff pretty effectively. I have sympathy for your cause, and will defend your right to have a different opinion, but please don’t be rude because people say things you disagree with. I assure you nobody here approaches your situation with malice, however it’s interpreted. Please. |
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bluex
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Post by bluex on Feb 7, 2023 3:56:20 GMT
The disrespect did not start from me as I explained on my previous post. A few posters make this forum toxic when they post in sanctimonious manner and make assumptions and insist new posters have to accept their view otherwise something is wrong with the new poster. That's very extreme and also a personal attack that they started. Yeah I have to say I feel mrob is spot on with this, and it does need to be said out loud. There's really never any need to go on the personal attack when these conversations are had. There's always a way to disagree respectfully. |
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bluex
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Post by bluex on Feb 7, 2023 4:03:27 GMT
"Probably not often as you've said" I didn't say it happens often. In fact I kept emphasising there's a relatively low chance of success but that it's the only way forward other than walking away. You have been open and polite, but I would appreciate it if you represent what I said accurately. What you're saying about there being a route to a healthy relationship by being as secure as you can on the other side and allowing the other person to step into healthier ways of relating as you go along... it does happen sometimes. Probably not often as you've said, but it does happen. And having a go at that is not wrong. It doesn't make you insecure or wrong for giving it a go and being prepared to walk away with a sore heart if it doesn't work. There is always risk in love... we can never avoid it entirely. Another person you might like to look up is the Julie Menanno, she has an instagram page called 'The Secure Relationship'. She talks about fearful avoidant attachment as being something that is totally possible to heal, she's seen many couples overcome it in her practice, but there is a lot more work involved than in other dynamics. Seems unfair to me, but there we have it. She cites proper research in her work too. I love her stuff. But I have to say, the guys here have been very supportive and generous to many people, based on their own experiences in life and on the board. Ideally there is space for everyone's perspectives, experiences and opinions in this world... the irony is that with attachment work, it's really a coming back to self that is required... figuring out who we are and what we need and how to communicate that in a way that allows us to stay connected and at peace. So while it's useful to listen to what others say, it's really this coming back to self that gets you to where you need to be and feeling truly comfortable with all of your decisions, whether those decisions lead you to the 'right' person or not. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Feb 7, 2023 4:41:14 GMT
I think that's just my punctuation that could have been clearer... it should read, 'probably not often, as you've said.' As I was concurring with the fact you'd pointed out it most likely wouldn't happen that often, but is still possible.
Sometimes best to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Everyone's trying their best.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2023 4:44:55 GMT
Hehe, I am certainly not someone who obsessively hangs around a forum like this for almost a year, posting shallow criticisms, assertions and assumptions without even learning to read first, just to hide their own bitterness and inability to move on. *Wink wink* I'm sure you're lovely in person. Move on from what? 🤔 This forum is a great place to stay in touch with concepts that have proven very beneficial in my own relationship, and I'll continue to hang around for both the private convos I enjoy and the open discussions. Stick around and throw your two cents in, why not? And nobody here is stopping you from your experiment, I've urged you to do your thing and stick with the advice you appreciate. You are rude with your attitude and all the insults but we've seen that a bunch too. It's typical of someone caught in the post breakup limbo with an FA. The insults, the bitterness, it's all par for the course when someone's been let go, but not really, and they are having a hard time moving on. Really a touchy subject but people here are just providing their perspectives. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2023 5:03:43 GMT
The forum is moderated by Jeb and he's got the last word on what kind of interaction will be tolerated. If you feel you've encountered something out of bounds here, message him and he will check it out.
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bluex
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Post by bluex on Feb 7, 2023 5:33:05 GMT
I'm just responding to you in kind since you felt the need to belittle to compensate for your lack of capacity for reading or thinking about different viewpoints. A secure person focuses on what he can do and not on what the ex is thinking. Your language surrounding breakups that you project onto others like myself and others in your other posts shows that you are still very much an insecure and emotionally unstable person who takes breakups extremely personally and bitterly. And your closed minded intolerance of outside therapist advice is amusing when you dismissively label it an experiment. Looks like you obsessively hanging around the forum for so long to justify your own toxic behaviour and self hasn't helped you become a mature and secure adult. It's not difficult to understand why. Hehe. Hehe, I am certainly not someone who obsessively hangs around a forum like this for almost a year, posting shallow criticisms, assertions and assumptions without even learning to read first, just to hide their own bitterness and inability to move on. *Wink wink* Move on from what? 🤔 This forum is a great place to stay in touch with concepts that have proven very beneficial in my own relationship, and I'll continue to hang around for both the private convos I enjoy and the open discussions. Stick around and throw your two cents in, why not? And nobody here is stopping you from your experiment, I've urged you to do your thing and stick with the advice you appreciate. You are rude with your attitude and all the insults but we've seen that a bunch too. It's typical of someone caught in the post breakup limbo with an FA. The insults, the bitterness, it's all par for the course when someone's been let go, but not really, and they are having a hard time moving on. Really a touchy subject but people here are just providing their perspectives. |
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