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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 7:49:16 GMT
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/50278/Dealing with a partner with desorganized attatchmentstyle: Examine these topics to preserve your own health inside of a bond shared with a loved one with attachment injury or trauma. Can You Maintain Healthy Boundaries? We cannot change others, but we can control our reaction to their behavior. When your loved one or family member displays attachment injury, can you walk away or realize that their behavior is not truly related to you? This is difficult sometimes, as individuals often lash out due to chaotic emotions and the inability to self-regulate. Letting your loved one know your boundaries can benefit you – and them. Is your loved one ready for help? If they are unaware of the area of attachment therapy, pointing him or her toward resources to help with secure attachment might be of value. Display Sensitivity and Attunement Realize that everyone comes from a subjective place. Often, showing attunement and compassion for your loved one with attachment injury gives them a taste of secure attachment while also setting a good example. It is possible to heal attachment at any age. Attunement strategies include verbal and non-verbal qualities: Affirmations Acknowledgments Active listening Mirroring body language Eye contact Through attunement, your loved one can feel more secure, and being with less insecure people is far more pleasant. Don’t Go on the Defensive If your loved one shares a feeling with you, “I feel like my family doesn’t love or support me.” Or, “Everyone always lets me down.” Don’t come back with an immediate rebuttal. Respond while keeping in mind that it is their reality, their feelings. A compassionate response will validate their feelings and avoid the barrier that often arises with an instant rebuttal. Sometimes we need to feel heard. Brenee Brown, empathy Vs. sympathy - www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369JwGood phrases to repair a disorganized attachment with your partner or other: I notice you, and what you need I'm sorry, I scared you I want to protect you, and you can count on me Let me make things clear for you If your partner runs off and is triggered/situational triggered: Remember they are looking for love and at the same time gets frightened by it. You can try give your partner contact every day, if it feels natural to you. But only short! By sms short and loving. By phone short and loving If you meet, short and loving Be clear in your communication. No ambiguities. No long explanations. Brief/short, concistent and loving If your partner could be under a lot of stress and stops the relationship out of nowhere: Find out if there are many things happening in your partners life, so it's clear if your partners thoughts fly around on everything else. For example, a new apartment, a new job and a life as a student after some years of sabbath. Right now, your partners behavior is not normal, but you nterpret it as a natural stage and do not know if you should let your partner push you away and sometimes hurt you every time, but support your partners situation right now and hope for a few days / weeks a normal level again? Does your partner end up feeling sorry for her/his behavior and is willing to fight for the relationship? Solution: Keep on having the dialogue with your partner. Remind your partner, that there is so much happening in her/his life right now, that it might be overwhelming for her/him. Investigate what kind of support, that overwhelmed part of your partner needs Remember - If you have too much threat going on in a relationship, you'll lose the part of your brain that's actually interested in connection, intimacy, love, authenticity, and vulnerability.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 7:51:28 GMT
The VAL method:
One of my friends has a dog called Valdemar. It has trauma and acts nerve-wracking to anyone other than my friend. Even she had to treat him carefully so as not to scare him away.
We went for a walk in the park and I pretended that Valdemar was not there, otherwise he would die of fear. At one point my friend would give me a treat I could give to the dog. I went there and held my hand as I walked, pretendend that the dog wasent there. After a while the dog came gently to me and took the treat. And I could also pat him.
I wanted to give the dog another treat and forgot to move carefully. I turned around and saw the dog into its eyes as I stretched out my hand with a treat.
The dog was getting a heart attack, so scared it became.
The dog jumped away with a kneejerk reaction.
It was too dangerous with my direct way.
This was also how it worked with my boyfriend.
Every time I reached out to him, he jumped away.
My method was to let my boyfriend come quietly to me.
My friend claimed that this method worked for most people. The method was to be there without making demands. Neither inside my head. The method was to rest in myself, just to be me.
I was curious about, what my boyfriend did without me having any projects on his behalf about what to do or not to do.
The more I practiced this method, the more it looked like love.
Wanting his best and my own best at the same time and giving freedom.
There was no sacrifice in this method and it did not require a lot of energy. It was just different from my auto pilot, that would be at the forefront of everything and have control.
My boyfriend became more attentive and he gave everything that I had longed for: closeness, enthusiasm, ease. Laughing together and having fun together at all
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 8:34:47 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 22:55:18 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 22:58:28 GMT
when interacting with fa’s:
When experiencing intimacy, they can either get scared, push you away, become aggressive, go into freeze, collapse, zone out, dissociate ect.
Important: Security, boundaries, clarity.
Boundaries and clarity create security
You yourself must be grounded, regulated. Use kind eyes, (maybe) supportive touch, friendly facial expressions, use a gentle tone of voice
Know that they can have problems with boundaries
The choice for fas is between protecting oneself and belonging.
They can turn black, white. You against me or those against us.
When touching, use caution. They can go off line
Use affirmative words.
Use short and simple sentences
Say:
You're safe with me
I would like to help you
I am calm
I want to protect you
I want to help you regulate your nervous system
I accept you also when you are angry or scared
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 23:22:22 GMT
In a secure relationsship:
When the desorganised experiencing love, the old system can say: "Oh no ..." They're used to, things goes wrong and they can disappear from the contact in the precent moment. When we're comfortable with our loved ones, so that we can relax and allow us to love/give in to the relationship, it causes the system to say:"Ah, now there's room to take a bite more of the trauma whirlwind"
It's really annoying, because it gets us right in the middle of a trauma whirlwind, where drama and heavy emotions easily arise
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 23:26:56 GMT
What happens when your partner goes into a freeze response:
Freeze sympathetic nerveussystem wants to act strongly and defencevly and the parasympatheic nerveussystem is trying to put the brakes on.
The freeze response might look stationary and passive but underneath there is an incredible arousel.
IT is an extreme state of being stuck thats typacily fraught in fear, dissociation and immobility - even paralysis.
Some People can loose their ability to speak or hear.
The cranial nerve that activates the voice box and/or the inner ear, can shut down.
People living in This state can have difficulty communicating their distress and staying precent when IT happens.
For people with desorganised attatchment style or other kinds of trauma, IT can occour when a person feels overwhelmed.
When we are being confronted with a threat we can become immobiliasied. IT is not healthy to stay in This state for Long. Our intake of oxytocyn level drops, and we can not breath correctly.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 23:33:55 GMT
Things the desorganised want you to know
- I appreciate it when you tell me the truth. It helps me put my guard down and build trust, which is really hard for me.
- I need encouragement sharing my needs and boundaries because I am so used to reading other people, that I sometimes expect others to do the same for me.
- I need consistency in my relationships because I never had that growing up. If you do what you say and say what you do, I can lean into trusting our connection more.
- I love being in your company and I want to deeply connect to you, to see your inner world, to ask and be asked questions. Your genuine presence is valuable to me.
- Sometimes my emotions are intense, and while they may not make sense to you, it helps me recenter myself when my emotions are validated, instead of dismissed.
- I want to be close to you, but it’s really hard for me to feel safe. Your consistency, transparency & patience means a lot to me as I work to be more trusting and secure
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 23:43:05 GMT
How to talk to a person in freeze state:
Communicate simply and clearly when the person is stuck in confusion or indecicion or when you have to give instruktion or directions.
Give the person as few options as possible..
Be mindfull of your tone of voice:
Use a melodic voice and not a robotic one.
Practise safe touch:
You have to be regulated yourself.
A handshake, a gentle touch between the persons shoulderblades or a gentle touch on the persons arm ect.
Look at them and use facical expression with kindness:
Use a Beam gleam but check out if they are dealing with shame signaled by gaze aversion. Wait until their shame has been prosessed a bit.
As people we read facical expressions All the time even when we are not concious of IT.
Look at the person - is the person angry or are the person happy to be with you
(A attatchment/SE/trauma teacher)
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 23:51:02 GMT
Are the fa/desorganized afraid of love ?
No they are afraid of intimacy
They are afraid of what can happen when they are getting close to another person
They are at the instinctive level afraid of getting overwhelmed
They are afraid of getting intimidated by the other person (you)
But they can also be intimidating themselves
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Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 23:59:20 GMT
Apologizing:
People with fearful attachment styles generally want closeness but are too afraid of being hurt to get close enough to other people to get it. They are likely to have been wounded emotionally by those people they depended on most in childhood. They also are likely to have witnessed multiple intense relationship ruptures without subsequently getting to witness those relationships getting repaired. And so, they are not likely to have much in the way of a roadmap for how an effective apology works. They also are likely to have relatively poor ability to control their emotions and may misperceive others motives and intentions. Hence, they are likely to be highly distrusting, skeptical, and on-guard for being harmed or manipulated.
People who experienced more hostility and volatility in their parental environment are likely to have more negative attitudes toward apologies, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Not surprisingly then, Ashy, Mercurio, and Malley-Morrison (2010) found that negative and rejecting attitudes toward apologies, forgiveness, and reconciliation were related most strongly with fearful attachment.
If the fearful person is apologizing: Practice controlling your emotions in advance of the apology. You may not be able to pull off the apology if your emotions are too close to the surface. Of course, you know yourself best and will want to balance being emotionally present and authentic with being able to apologize without freezing, attacking, or running away. Write it down on paper before trying to do it in person because when you are in person your thoughts may become disorganized and you might not remember what you wanted to say.
If the fearful person is being apologized to: They may tell you to take a hike and that you are not forgiven. If they do this, try not to get angry or that will just prove to them that you were not sincere and were being manipulative. In another scenario, they may attack you and bring up other transgressions that you were not even thinking about. If this happens, just remember that your friend or partner has become emotionally dysregulated by vulnerability entailed for both of you in this experience and you are likely to be perceived as scary. Just assure the fearfully attached person that everything is OK and that you are still there for them. Ask them if they need some time alone to process what you said.
Keep in mind some common themes:
Do not go into an apology expecting to be forgiven. You may not be. And, no matter what, try your best not to lash out or get angry at another person for not forgiving you. Sometimes we do bad things and simply have to pay the price for our actions. Lost relationships and some level of pain are sometimes a part of that. Example: My son, says “I’m sorry, dad. Do you forgive me?”…meaning, can I avoid the consequences for my behavior? The answer is yes, I forgive you. But no, you still get to have the consequence.
Do not apologize when doing so could harm the person you are apologizing to or other people. Think it through carefully.
Do not apologize for one thing and bring up your partners transgressions in the next sentence
Do consider your motives for apologizing and recognize the extent to which you are doing this for you or the other person.
Above all, remember that you also are a person who deserves your respect, kind words, and support. Be kind to yourself and honor your own well-being.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 16, 2023 0:07:13 GMT
In their lovelife:
When the contact with a potential partner starts to get closer, their trigger fight/flight responce can start to make noise. IT is a nerveussystem responce.
They want their partner to be there and not to be there at the same time.
Long distance relationships can sometimes be ideal for a person with desorganised attatchment style - but the problem can show up when they have to be in intence contact for several Days.
They can use sex as a way to release their nerveussystem.
There is a lot of energy in their Body from the stomac and Up in the upper Body. They can stiffen in their upper body and they can feel very tired. They are used to being alert.
.
The disorganised can suddenly jump back when in contact,
vs the avoidant who "just" pulls back from the contact. The dismissive can Be in the same room checking out of the contact.
When you have to meet them, IT is Better to give them the exact adress and direction.
They can also be late, when you have to meet Them, because of their confusion (they maybe can not find their way in the car or they can take the wrong train ect).
They can have problems remembering their childhood because of All their feelings and instinktive reactions that overwhelms Them. They can often only remember fractions from the past.
They use dissociation.
Vs. the avoidant is just closed off from their feelings from their neck and down, and that's the reason, why they don't remember.
The FA can fall in love in a very fast way and can be very intence in lovelife. They can make a new loveinterest feel very special, like they have never felt like This incredible love before.
They often go way off out of their tolerance window.
Vs the ambivalent can also go out of their Window of tolerance, but not as much as the desorganised. They can cry a lot and can be very intence
They can warn out their partner with their intence reactions.
Their mood can change a Lot. From being happy to suddenly being sad or angry ect. That's because they go into their trauma whirlwind.
They often like activities with a lot of action. They like adventures.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 16, 2023 0:11:26 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Feb 16, 2023 0:15:24 GMT
Sex
There are 3 systems running when making love:
When having sex, the tension in ans increases. This can trigger trauma as trauma connects with intensity
Attatchment
Sexuality
Survival
Testosterone gives sex drive. Greater sex drive but less connection./attatchment.
Look at Robert Sternberg's love triangle about intimacy.
Intimacy:
We can be intimate in an emotional way with good deep conversations,
Physical intimacy
Sensuality
How to become better at intimacy:
Intimacy provides attraction and ignition
when there is respect for each other's boundaries
Polarity between the feminine and the masculine causes attraction
Love making when there is intimacy, respect, care, empathy ect.:
Eye Contact
Heart contact (can feel like a deep soul contact)
An experience of connectedness
Empathy
Openness and freedom to express, give and receive, ask for what you dream of and to ask what your partner would like
Space to play, experiment and laugh
Shame is put outside the door
The most important thing is not performance and orgasm, but togetherness, contact and enjoyment in the present moment
What blocks intimacy and good lovemaking:
In the individual:
Shame (also about sexuality -
a person whose parents have been very liberal or very uptight - underweight / overweight) ect.
Poor self-esteem (body, emotions, thoughts)
Attatchment pattern and carater structures
Ambivalent - avoidant - desorganized jebkinnisonforum.com/post/37325/ jebkinnisonforum.com/post/37326/ jebkinnisonforum.com/post/37323/
]Stress and trauma
- Too Many Stress Hormones Can Drain Sexual Desire. Others may Want More Sex to Relieve the Nervous System When Stressed out
Trauma and shock trauma can cause the nervous system to shut down so that you don't have as much energy available or IT creates more sexdrive
Too little sleep or lack of good sleep - especially the feminine energy is hurting (small children ect.)
Lack of exercise
Malnutrition, deficiency - vitamins and minerals, underweight - can go beyond hormone production, malnutrition (obesity)
Medicine
Deasises
Within the couple:
Lack of respect - especially if the feminine loses respect for the masculine
Lack of intimacy physically or emotionally
Lack of presence
Lack of couple time together
Lack of polarity
Lack of renewal in beroomd or in daily life
The power struggle phase - including anger, sadness, boundaries - you stop trying...you think more about yourself and your own needs
Needs behind sex:
Testorone
To feel masculine / feminine
Confirmation
- the relationship is right
- physically my body is delicious
- defective self-esteem
Admiration - to be a good lover
Either one is good at opening one's heart or one is good at being sexual and seductive. Both gives problem in relationships. Can only be healed in a relationship. (The fifth caracter structure)
- you can't do without me
Discharge ans
Experience intimacy / closeness
The secure:
Free to explore his sexuality Ect.
Ambivalent:
May be too preoccupied with sex to protect against rejection, hold on to their partner
Sometimes uses sex as confirmation
They confuse the amount of sex with how much they are loved
Sex overactivates the attachment system. They forget themselves both during sex and after sex
The avoidant:
Random non-committal sex suits them best
The intimacy ability is blocked / restricted
Maintains emotional distance
May have difficulty sensing the body
They have difficulty with eye contact as they have experienced angry or stressed eyes
Repeats the old story of not meeting their needs
During sex, they deactivates the attachment system
Disorganized:
Shifts between disabling and activating of the attatchment system
Some likes kinky sex, bondage / SM ect
Boundaries are a problem
Power / powerlessness Struggles
Love making when there is intimacy, respect, care, empathy ect.:
Eye Contact
Heart contact (can feel like a deep soul contact)
An experience of connectedness
Empathy
Openness and freedom to express, give and receive, ask for what you dream of and to ask what your partner would like
Space to play, experiment and laugh
Shame is put outside the door
The most important thing is not performance and orgasm, but togetherness, contact and enjoyment in the present moment
Talk together as a couple using the good conversation:
What points do you find easy to practise?
each of you ?
and together ?
What points do you find difficult?
each of you ?
and together ?
What can and will you do?
each of you ?
and together to get better at these points
Learn the Voo breath technique that instantly reduces stress in the system, tones the vagus nerve, and creates coherency in the system.
- Be guided through the Voo breath technique
It also helps to release shame
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36607/
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Post by anne12 on Feb 16, 2023 0:42:46 GMT
Boundaries:
Both the disorganized and the ambivalent can find it difficult to set boundaries.
The disorganized often find it difficult to sense their own boundaries, the boundaries of others because they have had their boundaries crossed. They may have difficulty labeling them because they are desociated.
Sometimes they can sense their boundaries but they are in doubt whether or not their boundaries are okay. They have to practise finding out about where their boundaries are , feel and respect their own (and other people's) boundaries, and believe that their boundaries are okay.
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