Post by anne12 on Feb 16, 2023 1:09:05 GMT
I have been with an amazing woman for 3 and 1/2 years. She does not come from my country, but I have met her here. She is an amazing person who has an incredible number of positive values and qualities. I am 45 and have never before experienced greater love and greater emotions. I ALWAYS want to be with her.
But. So she has escaped from a chaotic life. She has never known her father. And her mother was not the one who gave her a good childhood. My girlfriend had to, from very young age, take care of the house and cook dinner ect. And if things didn't work out when mom came home, there were sometimes blow ups and punishment as well.
I think she is dismissive avoidant and she has opend up more to me than anyone else. But it is, as if when she gets too open then she withdraws. Then she can be completely dismissive of me.
I have heard her say "It is best to be yourself and alone because you will not be disappointed".
I have no doubt she loves me. But she is hard to understand. Although I understand that she has the dismissive attachment style problems.
I have a question. You write that people should be open to the fact that the anxiety that is there even if they do not feel it. That it is good to know that it is the reason why they retire. But even though it has been difficult during her childhood, she simply does not trust the psychological aspects of this. The same about daring to ask others for help.
It's not an option for her. As she says, her pride forbids her.
Currently, she has one of those periods. She asks for distance. So even though I have noticed that every time we are together and talking, it does both of us good, she does not want to write nor do I want to. She thinks it's best to end the relationship. I try to give her the peace s and distance she needs so she can see that I am NOT like the other people in her life who disappointed her and gave up or did not show her the love and respect.
But do I respect her then? Or should I do what she would do if I had been to her as she is to me? "Then I just wanted to say goodbye". She says. But it also fits the pattern. That it is easy to say goodbye.
What if your girlfriend is disorganized-dismissive? This means that it is the disorganized dynamic that is at play, but which expresses itself primarily as the dismissive avoidant pattern. That's pretty common.
It means to you, to not only to give her space but the most important thing is boundaries (both ways), clarity and predictability.
You can read about the "Val Method".
You must also tell, her that you are not her, and you are not her mother or anyone else who may have failed on her. That you intend to stand up for her and you -and your love. So she doesn't have to repeat her story about not being able to trust others. And especially because love is a gift to be cherished. That it doesn't necessarily just go smoothly, but you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it succeed with her.
An attachment trauma therapist