Certainty

So far my marriage really is that easy. But it's a combination of my husband being very trustworthy (consistent) and having a strong sense of his own mature self, and my attitude of not sweating the small stuff in life in general and being able to prioritize what's actually important to me. That's where my "certainty" is, knowing what's most important to me and my value set, and that I can trust myself to still come out okay if and when things deviate. A bunch of that understanding and perspective-shift happened in the months before I met him as a result of the early pandemic forcing me to reevaluate my own priorities, had nothing to do with this specific relationship. But the timing of the relationship started after I'd gotten comfortable with myself and accepting myself in that way.

So I think you've identified that you're starting to nitpick as a distancing tactic to deal with uncertainty -- this is good that you're identifying it so you can try to interrupt that from happening. And my suggestion would be to focus on not just trusting yourself but really connecting and being sure of the life you want to live and your priorities and values, because that makes it a lot easier to figure out if you're on the right path and deal with uncertainty as it comes at you. Nothing in life is ever fully certain, expecting that is impossible, so it really does just come back to all you have control over and can be sure about is yourself, and working on it from that angle.

Also, a hallmark of AP is ambivalence (when you're not longing and lusting after an unavailable partner). You don't need to act on every single thought and feeling, though, you can use them as a directional guideline to uncover your actual needs. So not being certain isn't necessarily a bad thing about the relationship when it comes to knowing you have an insecure attachment style, it likely just is pointing to there's still growth work to be done somewhere. I know with insecure attachment it's a little hard to parse out the, "is this a me problem, a problem with my partner, or a compatibility problem within the relationship," but if your partner isn't giving you specific dealbreakers or toxicity and the relationship isn't going around in broken circles, then focusing on your side first is a good starting point.

If you're both in earnest working on earning secure then no, I don't think it "should" be easier. The only way it would be easier with someone is if you continued going through the difficult work (even if you ended it with him and were single you'd still need to do it), and then in the future when you're at a different life stage you met someone secure or mostly secure and started off on different footing. I don't think the fact you both are working through issues mid-relationship, making it tough up to this point, in itself means it's the wrong relationship because it has been hard. And that is specifically because you're both putting in that effort and showing progress, it's not one of you trying to row the boat for both while the other sits arms folded and glaring expectantly at you.

I can't speak to the ADHD, scheduling issues, or time to move in together, as that is lifestyle compatible decisions you need to make that are subjective. But I can say that the other difficulty you're describing is going to come in any relationship until you're secure enough, and I wouldn't drop this one IF it meets your needs, you're not constantly triggering each other, and it is progressing adequately, simply because it wasn't easy from the start. If I hadn't been reading through your journey for a couple years and the difficulties were otherwise, I might have different advice, but I think your attachment-related struggles at least would be present to an extent no matter what. So I wouldn't toss out a relationship with a real foundation of trust and care out or overly doubt it due to comparisons with others who are not in the midst of healing their attachment issues. But I would be as honest with myself as possible about the lifestyle compatibility piece, if you can separate and gauge that outside of the existing attachment issue lens.

I didn't know there's a stigma around sleeping separate, although that wouldn't influence me anyway. I will never have it any other way, it means too much to me... we sleep separate. We don't lack any affection or sweetness because of it either. No issues.

I honestly don’t see a problem with it…my grandparents had 2 separate beds in the same room (they were Jewish).   I think it really is no one’s business what your sleeping arrangements are…his/her bedrooms works for a lot of people for various reasons.  Focus on what matters and works for you….then find others that support that.

I was going to also suggest to stop reading about couples who don’t share your dynamic….every couple is different…super great that the author finds her relationship easy…but does she and her partner have ADHD?  Because if the answer is no…then it really is not an apples to apples comparison.  B had ADD…maybe even ADHD and I know he had some challenges with focus etc.   

And you might just be having trouble trusting yourself to choose well in this relationship, so maybe it's a chance to support yourself by learning about your inner critic and challenging it.