Going no contact

You need to do it one day at a time, to occupy yourself with other people and pursuits, anything, books, films, out dancing with friends, dates with people you might not feel attracted to, etc. One day, it will seem easier!

I have been no contact since mid May but mind you, I was thoroughly done with the relationship when I decided to walk from it. Actually it was easy to walk away because she had been so emotionally abusive to me over the last six and half years. I can not see myself going back to someone who lacks emotional maturity to be in a secure loving relationship. What really killed it is her not only her lack of emotional maturity but the complete lack of empathy that she displayed throughout our relationship.

To be honest, no contact was one of the best things I could have done for myself. It allowed me to solely focus in on my healing, rebuilding my self esteem, it allowed me to reconnect with the people that I love and love me, it allowed me to morn the loss of the relationship, despite that I was in it all by myself to begin with. I learned how to love myself and take better care of me. I took the time to go to therapy, learn all about attachment theory and learned everything I could about narcissism since my ex has very strong DA and narcissistic traits. What I've also learned that I took the abuse from her for so long was because I interpreted her emotional abuse from her as 'love', because of my own emotional attachment injuries that I encountered as a child while growing up in an alcoholic household. Abuse is not love!

Going no-contact empowers you in so many ways. First of all, it forces you to focus on yourself and not the relationship and that scared me to most. It allows you to look forward, live your life, to heal, and grow on YOUR terms. It allows you to look at yourself in an honest way that you may never have done before. It allows to you to find the answers that you have been looking for, if you search hard enough. It shows self respect and self love, which is something that our partners are not able to do.  

I highly recommend the work from Brene Brown (shame & vulnerability), Alan Robarge (emotional attachment injuries), & Meredith Miller (healing from narcissistic abuse).  Good luck and remember, you are not alone.  

Cheers... 

satori, my situation is similar. 5 years with someone who I now realise and am trying to accept, is a narcissist. I have the brene brown book although haven’t read it yet and I’ll look at those Other links. I need to examine why I’m finding it so hard to go no contact with someone who was abusive. I’m aware of research showing we can become physically addicted to their personalities, the intermittent reinforcement they give us can give us dopamine hits or such like, and it does feel a bit like a drug addiction which is maybe why it’s so hard to break. But also perhaps I am perceiving her behaviour as love, which logically is crazy but emotionally compelling.
Do you have other insights into what you have learned about recovering from narcissistic abuse?

Part of the difficulty is like you though Yasmin, I am too polite to ignore, which runs surprisingly deeply.

Do you tell your exes that you’re going no contact? I’m confused by the love I felt for her (even if I shall have to accept it wasn’t the real her) and ,crazily considering how she has treated me, don’t want to hurt her feelings. I know crazy, but honest.

I’m 6 weeks in with NC. It’s gotten easier. I know I will contact him again because I would like us to be friends. I miss our friendship. We were friends for a while before things changed. But I am holding off because I know there are still feelings and I need to keep processing.

It is hard. No two ways about it. The first few weeks especially. But it gets easier. I think NC is essential for healing. During that time you can cry and mope and vent and do what you need to get those feelings out of your system. Obviously this is not possible for everyone but I have found that NC with my ex has helped me to look at things from different perspectives. I can say I’m understanding - myself and him. And forgiving - myself and him.

I don’t think this would be possible with me being in contact with him because hat keeps those feelings present. So as hard as it’s been and I still miss him - it has been good for me. And ultimately I think good for any friendship we may have because when we reconnect I won’t have any lingering anger, resentment or bitterness. It will be a clean slate almost.

I've gone through NC repeatedly and failed... either by reaching out to him or caving when he came sniffing around again. I'm back on the horse (for real, this time as I finally understand the extent of his damage) and I'm on day 4.

I have an app on my phone specifically for counting the days/keeping track of communication. It actually helps me because when I start to get frustrated I can see that it really hasn't been that long since we last spoke. Plus, hitting those milestones and seeing the days add up is super satisfying. Might not work for everyone though. If interested try searching your app store for a no contact calendar.

Reading posts on here helps a lot. Everyone's story reminds me of how painful and unsatisfying 95% of our interactions were.

And what did you do? How did it go?

All your advice and stories are so helpful. One moment at a time is right. I haven’t managed to go all no contact yet- I’m not contacting her and she isn’t me either, but I haven’t blocked her anywhere, just reduced avenues. It’s not perfect but it’s a start in the right direction for healing myself. I’ll get there.