Post by aeropro on Mar 26, 2023 3:18:22 GMT
Hello everyone,
I am an earned-secure (4 years single) who has recently been driven to high-anxiety after a 3-month encounter by an FA. The "almost-ship" ended a month ago, with no-contact being 1-week. I'm doing better! Certainly still anxious and hurting. This forum has helped me a lot and I decided to share my story to confirm if my "ex" was in fact FA. I am 34 and she is 33.
We met on Hinge, an online dating app, in early December. She would send very long messages, and I appreciated (what I believed to be at the time) her transparency. When we met in person, I wasn't surprised that our deep connection translated greatly in-person. We played pickleball for a few hours and had some light fun. Texting between dates 1 and 2 was great. She seemed very interested, and I mirrored her texting behavior. We went to a play as we both liked theater, and had some dinner. We lightly discussed our pasts. She had been single for 5 months (July) and I told her I'd been lightly dating after being single for 4 years. She said she felt ready to date. She went quite cold after our second date due to an illness. I of course was concerned I was getting ghosted. Two weeks went by with very minimal communication, but she followed through with her commitment to "let me know when she was better" and we resumed. *Notably, her sickness was confirmed by others later on in our story. I believe this to be legitimate.
Our next date was at my house for dinner. We continued bonding and we both shared with one another that we felt a "deep, easy" connection. We were passionately intimate, but not full blown sex. She stayed until 1am and left. She said she would have stayed the night but hadn't planned on it. The next date was also at my home, but my brother and his girlfriend were in town visiting so we hung out with them for about an hour after we did a bookstore scavenger hunt together for fun. She and I had more intimacy, but nothing full blown. She said she was quite shy and wanted to take that part slow. I was fine with this, but in the back of my mind worried if this was due to her being so recently removed from her relationship. As such, I let her set the tone and simply mirrored her actions. All of our dates for the next month involved dinner and random fun at my home on Saturday nights (I cooked), and then hanging out Sundays too. Notably, "overtime together" on Sundays, as she called it, was her idea.
After a few more weeks, I felt very comfortable with where things were going. She seemed quite anxious in her texting behaviors, and again I played it cool and simply matched and mirrored. I felt very secure. One weekend, she invited me to meet her brother and sister in law at their home. We spent hours there playing board games and even went for a walk. She stated after that they "loved me" and "approved". She said this in her normal flirty fun tone. Notably, physical intimacy continued but nothing full blown. She also still had yet to stay over at my home overnight. I told her that it was up to her; whatever she was comfortable with. She did make two excuses the prior two times. One was because she had a light flu, and didn't want to "be a mess the first time staying over". The second was that she had early plans with her dad the next day. Notably, she lived at home. More on that after.
Our last weekend together is where it gets strange. On Saturday, after another fun night, she opened up about her ex. She said it was an abusive narcissist who "treated her like a prisoner for 3 years", and that it was actually a.... same sex relationship. She stated she had to file a restraining order as well. Her sexuality was not dealbreaker for me, but I was surprised (admittedly I knew I would have to digest/process this revelation). Knowing she could sense my shock and confusion, I reassured her that I accepted her, was there for her, and appreciated her being vulnerable. I told her that I would always be there for her if she ever needed to talk about it, and she responded with "I'm there for you too. Always, always". She also called me "honey" for the first time. If anything, I felt her sharing and my accepting brought us even closer (as one would assume in a secure relationship). The next day was her birthday, and we did not have plans to see each other. Mostly out of respect for it still being early and I didn't want to invite myself over. She nonetheless invited me to meet her parents for her birthday. I accepted enthusiastically, and we had some intimate time together for another hour or so before she left.
We had a great time at her birthday. I bonded with her parents, again saw her brother and SIL who teased me about "being in the next family photo" that they take around the holidays, etc. She gave me a very tight hug before I left, and playfully teased about "being able to give me all the kisses she couldn't give me" the next time she saw me (because we weren't alone). We had plans to see each other for a workout on Tuesday, and then our first "trip" together the next weekend. A 3 hour scenic stay at an outdoorsy town nearby. She said she planned on staying over on Saturday night as well (I didn't ask; her idea). All seemed to be going perfect. When I got home, she had already text me affectionately. She said her parents loved me, etc. I felt an anxious vibe from her, like she was seeking further validation which I assumed was from her opening up about her past. I told her I was happy to experience her "next year" with her, and we talked lightly about dinner plans for Tuesday. All was normal.
The next morning I text her and she responded per usual. I asked her what she was doing on her day off and.... Out of the blue, she sent a long text ending things. 3 hours after a heart-emoji good morning text. I asked for a phone call. She said the thought frightened her. I told her I was confused and was wanting to make sure there wasn't a misunderstanding. She went completely cold and kept saying "I'm sorry" with very short responses. This lasted two more days before I threw in the towel and accepted her decision. She didn't even respond to my last text which was more or less a "I care about you but I understand".
In the mail a week later I received a note from her simply returning ribbons I wrapped her birthday gift in stating "It didn't feel right keeping these". So cold. Completely different person. I told her that I felt hurt and betrayed by her coldness, and that I was still confused as to what changed. She lashed out and stated that she didn't feel she had "any accountability for my hurting" and that she had to do it for herself, her "healing", and that she wasn't ready for a relationship or to date. Two weeks after she ended things (one week after her final text), my friend who is also single saw her back on the dating apps. Notably she told me she wasn't actually bisexual and that her prior relationship she just "fell into" because she felt bad for her ex (in hindsight, a hilarious excuse I know). On the apps, she was looking for both men and women this time. Also, I came to find out that she actually "ended ties" with her ex, and had been helping her financially, days before filing the restraining order which was, wait for it, one day before matching with me on Hinge. One day. So, while she could have technically "ended the relationship" in July, she clearly did not sever that connection until literally a day before she started talking to me.
This experience has left me an absolute anxious mess, but I am coping and doing better now thanks to this forum and other research. Was my "ex" a Fearful? There are clearly a lot of moving parts here. Recent ex. Sexuality. But how quickly she "closed the gap" with building intimacy, the reassurance, etc. She was such a kind person up until the end. Always reliable, on time, and a team-player. I do not believe her to be a narcissist as there was never any devaluing or oddness (other than, of course, the omissions of truth/withholding information for two months). Just a complete 180 blindside. Right when I met her parents on her birthday after she let me in and we had plans together. It feels like when we crossed those milestones she pulled away, just to become anxious again and go back on the apps to meet someone else? Devastation.
Given how everything played out, and the nature of her past, etc., I'm at peace not wanting to re-engage. I know how these avoidant cycles go. But I'd be lying if I haven't been trying to wrap my brain around her behavior for the last month.
Thanks for reading.
I am an earned-secure (4 years single) who has recently been driven to high-anxiety after a 3-month encounter by an FA. The "almost-ship" ended a month ago, with no-contact being 1-week. I'm doing better! Certainly still anxious and hurting. This forum has helped me a lot and I decided to share my story to confirm if my "ex" was in fact FA. I am 34 and she is 33.
We met on Hinge, an online dating app, in early December. She would send very long messages, and I appreciated (what I believed to be at the time) her transparency. When we met in person, I wasn't surprised that our deep connection translated greatly in-person. We played pickleball for a few hours and had some light fun. Texting between dates 1 and 2 was great. She seemed very interested, and I mirrored her texting behavior. We went to a play as we both liked theater, and had some dinner. We lightly discussed our pasts. She had been single for 5 months (July) and I told her I'd been lightly dating after being single for 4 years. She said she felt ready to date. She went quite cold after our second date due to an illness. I of course was concerned I was getting ghosted. Two weeks went by with very minimal communication, but she followed through with her commitment to "let me know when she was better" and we resumed. *Notably, her sickness was confirmed by others later on in our story. I believe this to be legitimate.
Our next date was at my house for dinner. We continued bonding and we both shared with one another that we felt a "deep, easy" connection. We were passionately intimate, but not full blown sex. She stayed until 1am and left. She said she would have stayed the night but hadn't planned on it. The next date was also at my home, but my brother and his girlfriend were in town visiting so we hung out with them for about an hour after we did a bookstore scavenger hunt together for fun. She and I had more intimacy, but nothing full blown. She said she was quite shy and wanted to take that part slow. I was fine with this, but in the back of my mind worried if this was due to her being so recently removed from her relationship. As such, I let her set the tone and simply mirrored her actions. All of our dates for the next month involved dinner and random fun at my home on Saturday nights (I cooked), and then hanging out Sundays too. Notably, "overtime together" on Sundays, as she called it, was her idea.
After a few more weeks, I felt very comfortable with where things were going. She seemed quite anxious in her texting behaviors, and again I played it cool and simply matched and mirrored. I felt very secure. One weekend, she invited me to meet her brother and sister in law at their home. We spent hours there playing board games and even went for a walk. She stated after that they "loved me" and "approved". She said this in her normal flirty fun tone. Notably, physical intimacy continued but nothing full blown. She also still had yet to stay over at my home overnight. I told her that it was up to her; whatever she was comfortable with. She did make two excuses the prior two times. One was because she had a light flu, and didn't want to "be a mess the first time staying over". The second was that she had early plans with her dad the next day. Notably, she lived at home. More on that after.
Our last weekend together is where it gets strange. On Saturday, after another fun night, she opened up about her ex. She said it was an abusive narcissist who "treated her like a prisoner for 3 years", and that it was actually a.... same sex relationship. She stated she had to file a restraining order as well. Her sexuality was not dealbreaker for me, but I was surprised (admittedly I knew I would have to digest/process this revelation). Knowing she could sense my shock and confusion, I reassured her that I accepted her, was there for her, and appreciated her being vulnerable. I told her that I would always be there for her if she ever needed to talk about it, and she responded with "I'm there for you too. Always, always". She also called me "honey" for the first time. If anything, I felt her sharing and my accepting brought us even closer (as one would assume in a secure relationship). The next day was her birthday, and we did not have plans to see each other. Mostly out of respect for it still being early and I didn't want to invite myself over. She nonetheless invited me to meet her parents for her birthday. I accepted enthusiastically, and we had some intimate time together for another hour or so before she left.
We had a great time at her birthday. I bonded with her parents, again saw her brother and SIL who teased me about "being in the next family photo" that they take around the holidays, etc. She gave me a very tight hug before I left, and playfully teased about "being able to give me all the kisses she couldn't give me" the next time she saw me (because we weren't alone). We had plans to see each other for a workout on Tuesday, and then our first "trip" together the next weekend. A 3 hour scenic stay at an outdoorsy town nearby. She said she planned on staying over on Saturday night as well (I didn't ask; her idea). All seemed to be going perfect. When I got home, she had already text me affectionately. She said her parents loved me, etc. I felt an anxious vibe from her, like she was seeking further validation which I assumed was from her opening up about her past. I told her I was happy to experience her "next year" with her, and we talked lightly about dinner plans for Tuesday. All was normal.
The next morning I text her and she responded per usual. I asked her what she was doing on her day off and.... Out of the blue, she sent a long text ending things. 3 hours after a heart-emoji good morning text. I asked for a phone call. She said the thought frightened her. I told her I was confused and was wanting to make sure there wasn't a misunderstanding. She went completely cold and kept saying "I'm sorry" with very short responses. This lasted two more days before I threw in the towel and accepted her decision. She didn't even respond to my last text which was more or less a "I care about you but I understand".
In the mail a week later I received a note from her simply returning ribbons I wrapped her birthday gift in stating "It didn't feel right keeping these". So cold. Completely different person. I told her that I felt hurt and betrayed by her coldness, and that I was still confused as to what changed. She lashed out and stated that she didn't feel she had "any accountability for my hurting" and that she had to do it for herself, her "healing", and that she wasn't ready for a relationship or to date. Two weeks after she ended things (one week after her final text), my friend who is also single saw her back on the dating apps. Notably she told me she wasn't actually bisexual and that her prior relationship she just "fell into" because she felt bad for her ex (in hindsight, a hilarious excuse I know). On the apps, she was looking for both men and women this time. Also, I came to find out that she actually "ended ties" with her ex, and had been helping her financially, days before filing the restraining order which was, wait for it, one day before matching with me on Hinge. One day. So, while she could have technically "ended the relationship" in July, she clearly did not sever that connection until literally a day before she started talking to me.
This experience has left me an absolute anxious mess, but I am coping and doing better now thanks to this forum and other research. Was my "ex" a Fearful? There are clearly a lot of moving parts here. Recent ex. Sexuality. But how quickly she "closed the gap" with building intimacy, the reassurance, etc. She was such a kind person up until the end. Always reliable, on time, and a team-player. I do not believe her to be a narcissist as there was never any devaluing or oddness (other than, of course, the omissions of truth/withholding information for two months). Just a complete 180 blindside. Right when I met her parents on her birthday after she let me in and we had plans together. It feels like when we crossed those milestones she pulled away, just to become anxious again and go back on the apps to meet someone else? Devastation.
Given how everything played out, and the nature of her past, etc., I'm at peace not wanting to re-engage. I know how these avoidant cycles go. But I'd be lying if I haven't been trying to wrap my brain around her behavior for the last month.
Thanks for reading.
