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Post by Lucy on Jun 3, 2016 7:17:06 GMT
Thank you Jaeger. What you have said is right. I have thought this many times. Until a short ago I was walking on eggshells most of the time, and for all of this time was miserable. Then something very big happened, and I was one step from leaving without any emotion or regret. This produced the biggest turnaround that I have ever witnessed in someone. Whilst there has been some pullback (once his emotions subsided - and yes in the trauma of it all they appeared from nowhere) he is still doing things that he has never done before. But in this transitional period I have re-discovered myself. I too, am no longer the same. Going back to the original posting, i also showed myself at the beginning, and that is something that he has had to take on board, although he hasn't talked about it. Mutual acceptance perhaps.
We will see. I am still accepting of him and am mindful and considerate of his traits. But I am no longer under some kind of spell, iin some ways, whilst we are now much closer and intimate than ever before, I have created a little psychological distance between us. Your postscript under your name made me smile. Thank you.
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147 
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Post by katy on Jun 4, 2016 12:12:43 GMT
Lucy,
I hope I don't sound too harsh and cruel but your first post really made me feel concerned. You said that you are kept a secret and that the avoidant/narcissist whom you are dealing with has a harem but that he always keeps you informed about what's going on with the harem. My first thought was that I suspect that you and everybody else are all being lied to and manipulated. Maybe I'm being too cynical but everything that I've read and my experiences dealing with an avoidant/narcissist all tell me that half truths and secrecy are the essence of the power trip and triangulation and gas-lighting that narcissists are known for.
Maybe I'm wrong and he's really recovering. I personally would never live as anybody's secret. That feels almost as crazy as dating a married man and having to sneak around and keep secrets from his wife and the rest of society. I'll sound especially harsh and cruel here, but do you even have enough involvement in his life to be absolutely sure that he isn't engaged or married or has another girlfriend? If he is an honest person and you are his only girlfriend, why are you being hidden?
If he has to have a professional harem (harem is a term that's used throughout the literature on narcissistic abuse), there isn't any reason why they can't know that he is involved with you as a significant person in his personal life. I understand the professional work group (not harem) concept. My husband is a school teacher and most of his co-workers are female. But, I'm fully acknowledged as his wife and I also know most of them. They all have husbands and boyfriends and their only relationship with my husband is about teaching. There is no secrecy.
I've been married since 1992 and we have a good, strong relationship built on a stable foundation. I don't see how you can live any kind of a real, honest life when you are not acknowledged as being partners and where there is always some kind of evasive dance going on in the background. It all sounds as though it will end up being very damaging to you and that there probably won't be a long-term happy ending.
I hate to be so blunt but your post did concern me greatly. Please take care of yourself.
Katy
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Post by anonymous10 on Nov 2, 2016 4:38:56 GMT
Hi there,
I just have to say that the reference to 'awkward' situations with the avoidant early on is so accurate!! Whilst there was what I now know to be an 'illusion' of love and intimacy at the start, there were some awkward moments.. It's like my avoidant wasn't truly himself or there were just some really weird yet subtle comments made by him. I just palmed this off to be him being nervous at the start of our relationship.
These include "oh we're just being nice to each other because it's the honeymoon period" or when he asked me to be his girlfriend I said to him "are you sure" and he grabbed my face and said "as long as you stay like this..". He would often compare me to his ex and say "I hate when 'girls' do this ______ " and then would proceed to say something weirdly specific and I knew he was talking about his ex. Because that was his first relationship I assumed he thought the problem was her. He often spoke about how 'dependent' she was and how 'unstable' the relationship was. Funnily enough, the more secure I was in myself, the more anxious it made him!! Just like the narcissist, has the crazed ex, and you think you're going to be the one to change them! Ha! The Narcissist wants you to be needy, and when you are, it reaffirms their view of others. When you aren't needy and you display independence from them, they feel they are losing control and they come back, yet, they prize their independence the most.
Such a paradox!
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Post by azgirl on Nov 5, 2016 21:46:37 GMT
Do avoidants ask a lot of hypothetical questions, such as "what if I start to really care about you?" or "what if I were to say I love you?" The idea was to make sure it was a hypothetical, not a statement.
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Post by springhaze on May 27, 2017 0:45:51 GMT
- can have no problem with sex in itself, but can be incapable of cuddling, and will try to find a way to avoid it (for example, by sleeping directly after sex, or by making jokes or being playful to break the romantic atmosphere)
oh my, THIS! totally. it actually started to get to me, each time we had sex. he would always make some kind of joke or be playful (or fall asleep) but the light heartedness I found funny, until I kind of stopped finding it that funny (inside, i never said it outloud) but i realize it now. this is helpful to know. |
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