Please help.

Before anyone can give any sort of helpful response, we'll need to know why you suspect you're dealing with a DA here.

Hi, will share more details once I've been able to calm down. Still just sitting here in complete shock

Hi again. I will try to articulate myself properly but I'm still in a mess.

I dated him for one year. We became exclusive and 'boyfriend and girlfriend' approx 2.5 months into the relationship, at the time when we first had sex. I got my first glimpse of his issues immediately after the first time we had sex. The sex itself was good, but immediately afterwards he disappeared into the bathroom to perform some bizarre after-sex ritual (he also has OCD). Then we went for dinner. Then he came back to my place but suddenly and completely out of the blue announced that actually he was going to go back to his mother's house (he has just moved back in with his mom despite being 40 years old). Then he changed his mind again and said actually he wanted to come into my apartment. We had sex again, he enjoyed the sex but looked like a freaked out small child right afterwards. Then he disappeared into my bathroom to do his strange after-sex ritual. He returned, looked at me like I was the devil. He spent the night and behaved relatively normally in the morning. Then I never heard from him at all for an entire week. At which he point he called me and said he'd had time to think about things and he wanted to be my boyfriend.

After that he was great -- for most of the time -- for a month or two.

Then cracks really started appearing. Push-pull to the extreme. Extreme drug abuse on his part. Workaholism (90 hour week) as a means to avoid spending time with me or anyone else.

Typical scenario will be he'll call me with a sense of urgency almost saying he's really missing me and can he come and see me or can we meet up. I'll agree. Then as the time nears to meet up he will get cold feet. He'll typically sit in his office smoking weed or run off with his drug addict male cousin. Then come the excuses "it's getting a bit late to come over and see you now" --- despite the fact that he is the one who has asked to see me in the first place.

If I even dared to call or text him once a week, that was too much. He had to control everything. He'd see me about twice a week, but totally at his convenience.

At first, the sex was amazing (despite his bizarre after-sex rituals). But in the most recent weeks, he's become incredibly selfish. Bizarre rituals around ejaculation. He cannot cope with the sight of his own semen, so has deeply strange rituals around condoms and other stuff. Lately he doesn't even care about satisfying me sexually, and he ejaculates within 3 minutes and then says actually he wants to go home to his mom's house.

Our last date we talked a lot and he admitted he has insecurities. He was more open about how things went wrong with his previous partner (they broke up two years ago). He seemed obsessed with her and her new partner still. He kept saying she was "Twin Flame." I was laying in bed crying (not that he noticed), because of his obsession with his ex. The next day we had great conversation lasting hours, he allowed himself to be somewhat vulnerable, sharing some of his various issues with me and telling me how much he cares about me and how attracted he is to me but how feeling close to anybody scares him. He told me he loved me but looked terrified while saying it.

Then today, he called to see if he could come over. I agreed. By 11pm he still hadn't shown up. I called him to see if he's coming or not (this is an endless and depressing pattern). Predictably he then said he was with his druggie cousin and "it's getting late. I need to get back to my mother's house." I told him I'd feel quite hurt if he flaked out yet again. So he came over.

But something seemed off right from the start. He sat there smoking weed. Refused to take his winter coat off (he even kept the hood up). He refused to accept a drink of any kind (even orange juice). Just sat there smoking weed. Then finally he stood up and started aggressively trying to strip my clothes off me (while still having his coat on with the hood up). He had very very aggressive sex with me (I cannot say I was a fully active participant) on the hard wooden floor. He said having sex in my bedroom would feel too intimate and prevent him from leaving in time to get to his mother's house.

Afterwards he refused to hug me and just looked terrified even at the sight of my front door with the chain up. He said "are you trying to trap me?"

At some point as he was trying to leave things escalated into our first intense argument (I've just let him get away with so much crap without arguing until now). I asked him if his plan now is to just come over to my apartment, f*ck on the floor, and immediately leave. We used to go out on dates. He used to spend the entire night. He then said that actually he feel I'm reading more into the relationship than is really there. He said he felt I was becoming emotionally attached and that he's now going to withhold sex and focus on just being friends with me. I asked him if he'd ever cared about me at all and there was just a long silence. Then he started talking again and he was crying and trying to blink back tears and he said that he's only ever seen me as just a platonic friend. I asked him why he kept insisting on having sex with me ALL THE TIME if he feels this way. He said well I'm the one who agrees to have sex with him. I was in love with him FFS. He's just clearly been playing games with me and using me all this time. And that was that. I just walked out. I could no longer speak to him. I don't feel I could even look at him ever again without vomiting. His last words were "why are you being like this?"

so nobody bothers to comment

Oshun -

My ex had elements similar to yours. When things got too close - he insisted he only thought of me as a friend. Or a sister.

And he still seems obsessed with his ex who left him for another man. He still keeps track of her current BF’s family. I asked him why and he made up some lame excuse I can’t remember.

I broke it off about 6 weeks ago and have been NC and it has given me clarity. It’s hard to get that when you’re in it so take some time and gain that clarity. Try to get the perspective that say a friend would. If your friend came to you and told you the story you just shared here - what would your advice be?

I wish you lots of luck and hope you gain peace and clarity soon.

Take care.

Thank you for your replies. I am still processing. I went (back) into therapy shortly after meeting this Avoidant man but the therapy is not feeling all that helpful. The therapist seemed to be encouraging me to give this man chance after chance. This most recent episode with this man is so shocking that I just can't fully take it on board yet. The sex wasn't even really consensual.

I must admit I find my therapist's attitude baffling.