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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 17, 2017 20:36:30 GMT
Thank you for your replies. I am still processing. I went (back) into therapy shortly after meeting this Avoidant man but the therapy is not feeling all that helpful. The therapist seemed to be encouraging me to give this man chance after chance. This most recent episode with this man is so shocking that I just can't fully take it on board yet. The sex wasn't even really consensual. My therapist never encouraged me to stay with my DA, but she did point out the things I was learning and the pieces that seemed detrimental to my mental health. Since I do not know your situation, I cannot comment, but I can tell you that my experience with my person for those 18 months has been the eye opener I needed to see what my childhood issues were doing to my adult life. A therapist should never TELL you what to do, ever, unless you are a harm to yourself or others, then they have the RIGHT to report your actions. Ask yourself if this therapist is right for you or talk to them about their methods. You have the right to question them and their practices and also have the right to step away. Trust your gut. Our first intuition comes from our bodies wisdom, that is usually the right choice. When we think about things and weigh the checks and balances it can get muddled. That does not mean act from a reaction. I'm talking deep wisdom, intuition. I ended my connection with that fella two and a half months ago and started a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. I feel like a new version of myself and have hope for who I can be. I had to let go of people outside of me validating my existence. That feels like work that will continue through my whole life, but starting it is the important part. But once I started doing it I noticed the people in my life that were always there, healthy, loving me. I couldn't see them. I barely was appreciating my beautiful pets. I was splitting constantly. I have BPD tendencies, but not the disorder thankfully. My childhood was spent with an alcoholic father, a drug addicted mother and an older sister that was learning how to be BPD. I felt alone and unloved. I was neglected. I would allow men to use me and I would not speak up for myself. That is slowly changing. I'm not attracted to the same kind of men anymore. I have been learning boundaries and speaking my truth. I couldn't do it until this last relationship seriously threw my "shit" in my face. When I started dating him, I felt the need to stop seeing my Dad. Then two months before I ended the relationship, I wrote my Dad a letter about how it felt to grow up as his Daughter. He barely gave me a response. Tragic. So, its all connected, these men in my life, what I will allow and my self worth. Once you start seeing the correlations and feel like you can let go of the people who are toxic in your life, you can start making your shift too. I am happier now, even though I am without my lover and friend, than I have been my whole adult life. I am 48 and I feel hopeful that things will look brighter. It takes immense courage to shift perspective and risk losing what you thought you needed/loved. But, honestly, if I can do it, I feel anyone can. |
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oshun
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Post by oshun on Dec 18, 2017 10:31:28 GMT
I will bother to comment. GET HELP for yourself NOW. Forget about him. He is not an issue for you, YOU are an issue for your own SELF. WHY did you accept such behaviour? WHY do you think you are worth so little? Have had time to process this awful situation some more. I DID try to get help. I went back into therapy very shortly after this relationship started. I told the therapist 'I'm concerned about this relationship and I think the guy is abusive.' At that point I was ready to leave the relationship. The therapist strongly encouraged me to stay and she suggested that I might be the avoidant one and unable to accept love. He was giving me tiny little crumbs of affection in between the hostile pushing away. Months later, here I am. |
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oshun
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Post by oshun on Dec 18, 2017 10:33:49 GMT
Oshun - My ex had elements similar to yours. When things got too close - he insisted he only thought of me as a friend. Or a sister. And he still seems obsessed with his ex who left him for another man. He still keeps track of her current BF’s family. I asked him why and he made up some lame excuse I can’t remember. I broke it off about 6 weeks ago and have been NC and it has given me clarity. It’s hard to get that when you’re in it so take some time and gain that clarity. Try to get the perspective that say a friend would. If your friend came to you and told you the story you just shared here - what would your advice be? I wish you lots of luck and hope you gain peace and clarity soon. Take care. Hi Cate, is your ex DA or FA? So he claimed to think of you as only a friend? Were you guys actually dating? Exclusively? I'm NC with this individual now, ever since the episode on Thursday. He's calling and texting daily. |
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cate
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Post by cate on Dec 18, 2017 12:21:52 GMT
I think my ex is a mix of both. He has anxiety but that may be unrelated to his avoidance issues.
Yes we were exclusive. He met my family. Went on vacation with us. We even put an offer down on a home. I believe that’s where things went wrong. That made him panic so he escalated the withdrawal.
Your therapist does not appear to be the right fit for you. It’s OK to find one that is a good fit. As others have mentioned a therapist should help you sort through your feelings but not push you into making any decision. Perhaps she misunderstood the situation. That can happen. But given that you said the last sexual encounter was not entirely consensual - I’m reading it as rape - and that’s deeply troubling. You need a therapist well versed in trauma and it’s aftermath. Even if that hadn’t happened - your backstory is heartbreakingly traumatic so your therapist needs experience in this.
Good luck and know you can make it through this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2017 14:29:12 GMT
Thank you for your replies. I am still processing. I went (back) into therapy shortly after meeting this Avoidant man but the therapy is not feeling all that helpful. The therapist seemed to be encouraging me to give this man chance after chance. This most recent episode with this man is so shocking that I just can't fully take it on board yet. The sex wasn't even really consensual. In this case, I'm not sure it's useful to talk about attachment theory. He's abusive, period. No therapist should be advising you to stay in an abusive relationship. |
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Post by DearLover on Dec 18, 2017 17:23:30 GMT
I will bother to comment. GET HELP for yourself NOW. Forget about him. He is not an issue for you, YOU are an issue for your own SELF. WHY did you accept such behaviour? WHY do you think you are worth so little? Have had time to process this awful situation some more. I DID try to get help. I went back into therapy very shortly after this relationship started. I told the therapist 'I'm concerned about this relationship and I think the guy is abusive.' At that point I was ready to leave the relationship. The therapist strongly encouraged me to stay and she suggested that I might be the avoidant one and unable to accept love. He was giving me tiny little crumbs of affection in between the hostile pushing away. Months later, here I am. We can be much more powerful than we realise. YOU are Powerful! It is a long arduous road and you have been through a LOT but you can heal yourself and you will. Of course you can welcome the help of therapists, ministers, spiritual teachers, mentors, they can help tremendously providing that you find the right one for you. And don't hesitate in changing when their practice doesn't feel right. You don't need to work with only one source of help and wait until the day and time of your sessions. It is so much easier now, with all the websites, youtube and books.
Good luck! |
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Post by DearLover on Dec 18, 2017 17:29:04 GMT
I was watching some youtube video the other day and they were discussing relationships, a woman describing her problem with the ex boyfriend and the spiritual teacher saying that
'at the end of the day, we who feel victims were also at some level, enablers...we just stood there enabling them to treat us whatever way the did, until it came to a point where we couldn't do it anymore'
This really changed something in me, knowing that I also have responsibility for the way I was treated because I allowed it to happen again and again. Then something else clicked. I a, still somewhat attached to thoughts about my exDA not because go him himself but because I have not fully forgiven myself for letting things get that far. I didn't put myself first (not in a selfish way) but as in loving myself before loving him.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 13:50:40 GMT
I was watching some youtube video the other day and they were discussing relationships, a woman describing her problem with the ex boyfriend and the spiritual teacher saying that 'at the end of the day, we who feel victims were also at some level, enablers...we just stood there enabling them to treat us whatever way the did, until it came to a point where we couldn't do it anymore'This really changed something in me, knowing that I also have responsibility for the way I was treated because I allowed it to happen again and again. Then something else clicked. I a, still somewhat attached to thoughts about my exDA not because go him himself but because I have not fully forgiven myself for letting things get that far. I didn't put myself first (not in a selfish way) but as in loving myself before loving him. I think you have put down beautifully....yes...we have a role to play...but what our reaction to ourselves should be is through a lens of love, understanding, compassion and forgiveness. |
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