I have written a couple of times about the feeling of anger and agitation….how I feel like I am experiencing these feelings more frequently. However, I have come to the conclusion that it isn’t a case of experiencing these feeling more frequently, but becoming more aware of these feelings. Before, I would just have a feeling and be so swept away by it and from the fear of having such an intense feeling and then later, feeling guilt/paranoia. This would lead to a downward spiral of feeling bad about myself and an increased sense of needing someone else in order to feel “ok”. This then led to a greater dependency on others to provide approval of me. The feelings have not gone away…but my awareness of them give me a choice and a chance to give myself the grace that I have so desired from others. It is a 1 step forward…3 steps back dance between myself and these intense emotions but I know I am headed in the right direction.
I had a great session with my therapist and have determined that this irritation/anger I have been feeling is left over from my teenage years. She and I discussed what it was like for me to be a teenager and how that anger is still there. She wants me to journal this week but also just observe myself and not judge myself.