jakov
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Post by jakov on Apr 12, 2023 6:35:37 GMT
Hello to all, I have an issues in my current relationship which describes anxious-avoidant trap (I'm avoidant one). However, the fact that confuses me is that on the beggining of relationship I had the moments which are related to anxious behaviour (retroacrive jelaousy, inssecure moments, the feelings that all her exes had some advantage compared to me...) I didn't have neurotic moments, but tried to talk about this in calm way. My girlfriend listened to me and told me that she understands, but I will have to deal with it by myself. After 6 months, my girlfriend set the boundary and told that with this behaviour I will ruin the relationship. I was forced to stop doing this, and I helped my self with mindfulness techniques etc... After this the roles switched, she tried to require more emotional support, i tried to give it but sometimes I didn't have enough patience which resulted with draining conflicts. After some time I started act avoidant which now lasts for some time... The thing that confuses me is that I can't clearly define my attachment style. Generally, i feel avoidant, but on the beggining of relationship I have anxious behaviour... Can anyone give me oppinion on this, and does anyone know what it's about? I would Like to confirm my attachment style to be able to Work on it  Tnx |
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jakov
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Posts: 5
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Post by jakov on Apr 12, 2023 6:42:45 GMT
One more remark: after I stopped being anxious, jelaousy etc., I'm not sure if I started being avoidant and caused anxious behaviour od my girlfriend, or she simply started to be anxious for some reason im this moment.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 12, 2023 6:53:03 GMT
You're describing having a fearful avoidant attachment style. This can fluctuate depending on the type of partner you choose: a more avoidant partner than you will cause you to lean anxious. A more anxious partner will cause you to lean avoidant. Another fearful avoidant partner will likely flip back and forth with you both swapping who is anxious and who is avoidant and back over time, acting opposite each other (likely what's happening with your gf). Fearful avoidants usually have a more dominant go-to side (either anxious or avoidant) and may not even realize they can flip to the other one for a long time because they usually only date one type of person. So, for example, we have lots of people who post on the forum and at first believe they are anxious preoccupied, but they don't realize they can be avoidant as well because they've only ever felt attracted to and dated more avoidant people than them who only cause them to feel anxious. But it's common for them to eventually realize they are fearful avoidant but they never realized it when always longing for a distant partner yet shutting down if someone started chasing them.
Sounds in your example like you start off anxious because you seek connection and want potential partners to like you, seeking validation and fearing abandonment. But once they express interest and seem to become available to you and you get used to them being around and liking you without them creating distance, you have some latent fears of intimacy and engulfment that begin to kick in once it seems like they may be sticking around for a while in a more serious relationship with you. You then turn avoidant and create distance yourself to make sure there's still some distance there so that you can feel comfortable.
Recommend you explore the fearful avoidant support forum here as well as try watching some of Thais Gibson's YouTube videos about the fearful avoidant attachment style to see if any of it resonates with you further.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 12, 2023 6:57:52 GMT
“ - the feelings that all her exes had some advantage compared to me...” - what kind of advantages ? This could also be a “man” thing/a competitive thing or what you will call it on the instinctive level / caveman level - I have had boyfriends asking me about how many men I have had sex with in the beginning of the relationship, what type of job my exes had ect. It also takes some time to find out if you want to see where the relationship takes you (you write the first 6 months) And it takes some time for the attatchment system to kick in Try to write your history with your former partners down And your attatchment with your parents down and their relationship Nothing happens in a vacum - you are also affected by your partners attatchmentstyle You could have some fa/desorganised attatcment style (come here, go away) - they are afraid of getting overwhelmed on the instinctive level Aps can turn around when love becomes available because they have problems with recieving jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetestsBodylanguage and the attatcment styles - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45685/ |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 12, 2023 7:41:13 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 12, 2023 7:58:19 GMT
Hello to all, I have an issues in my current relationship which describes anxious-avoidant trap (I'm avoidant one). However, the fact that confuses me is that on the beggining of relationship I had the moments which are related to anxious behaviour (retroacrive jelaousy, inssecure moments, the feelings that all her exes had some advantage compared to me...) I didn't have neurotic moments, but tried to talk about this in calm way. My girlfriend listened to me and told me that she understands, but I will have to deal with it by myself. After 6 months, my girlfriend set the boundary and told that with this behaviour I will ruin the relationship. I was forced to stop doing this, and I helped my self with mindfulness techniques etc... After this the roles switched, she tried to require more emotional support, i tried to give it but sometimes I didn't have enough patience which resulted with draining conflicts. After some time I started act avoidant which now lasts for some time... The thing that confuses me is that I can't clearly define my attachment style. Generally, i feel avoidant, but on the beggining of relationship I have anxious behaviour... Can anyone give me oppinion on this, and does anyone know what it's about? I would Like to confirm my attachment style to be able to Work on it Tnx I think what really helps to determine your insecurity type is to consider your childhood….were your parents mainly distant or neglectful? Did they sometimes give you what you wanted but other times did not? Was wanting love “scary” (which is a very typical experience for FAs). |
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jakov
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by jakov on Apr 12, 2023 8:56:21 GMT
You're describing having a fearful avoidant attachment style. This can fluctuate depending on the type of partner you choose: a more avoidant partner than you will cause you to lean anxious. A more anxious partner will cause you to lean avoidant. Another fearful avoidant partner will likely flip back and forth with you both swapping who is anxious and who is avoidant and back over time, acting opposite each other (likely what's happening with your gf). Fearful avoidants usually have a more dominant go-to side (either anxious or avoidant) and may not even realize they can flip to the other one for a long time because they usually only date one type of person. So, for example, we have lots of people who post on the forum and at first believe they are anxious preoccupied, but they don't realize they can be avoidant as well because they've only ever felt attracted to and dated more avoidant people than them who only cause them to feel anxious. But it's common for them to eventually realize they are fearful avoidant but they never realized it when always longing for a distant partner yet shutting down if someone started chasing them. Sounds in your example like you start off anxious because you seek connection and want potential partners to like you, seeking validation and fearing abandonment. But once they express interest and seem to become available to you and you get used to them being around and liking you without them creating distance, you have some latent fears of intimacy and engulfment that begin to kick in once it seems like they may be sticking around for a while in a more serious relationship with you. You then turn avoidant and create distance yourself to make sure there's still some distance there so that you can feel comfortable. Recommend you explore the fearful avoidant support forum here as well as try watching some of Thais Gibson's YouTube videos about the fearful avoidant attachment style to see if any of it resonates with you further. Thanks you for quick feedback 😁, it is helpful, I will check these videos. This dynamics makes sense to me, although I have feeling sometimes that if I got better reaction on my jelaousy from her side, I would feel more understood, but on the other side, I was in relationship with secure person, and this 'good' reaction Also didn't keep me stay in relationship... Anyhow, I'm grateful for this analysis because I Also had sense that it is possible to be both depending on circumstances |
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jakov
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by jakov on Apr 12, 2023 9:06:21 GMT
“ - the feelings that all her exes had some advantage compared to me...” - what kind of advantages ? This could also be a “man” thing/a competitive thing or what you will call it on the instinctive level / caveman level - I have had boyfriends asking me about how many men I have had sex with in the beginning of the relationship, what type of job my exes had ect. It also takes some time to find out if you want to see where the relationship takes you (you write the first 6 months) And it takes some time for the attatchment system to kick in Try to write your history with your former partners down And your attatchment with your parents down and their relationship Nothing happens in a vacum - you are also affected by your partners attatchmentstyle You could have some fa/desorganised attatcment style (come here, go away) - they are afraid of getting overwhelmed on the instinctive level Aps can turn around when love becomes available because they have problems with recieving jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetestsBodylanguage and the attatcment styles - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45685/I Will try to explain this feeling: if she told me about her ex who was more 'cocky', 'flirty', i would have feeling that I'm bit able to satisfy all her needs because i donn't have this ability to intrigue her. I have an unhealthy necesity to be the best on all fields in relationship My rational mind knows that this doesn't make sense, but I can't help myself on this moments, this is the only thing which I can think about when this happens... Generally i had good childhood, but when I think about it, sometimes my parents couldn't understand my feelings. For example they wouldn't took me serious immediatelly, but started to mock a little bit because they thought that my feelings doesn't make sense. This didn't happen all the time, but sometimes they Took my feelings for granted when they didn't have capacity to understand IT, or they didn't Want to understand IT.. In my former relationship, i had very similar behaviour dynamics. First anxious, latter avoidant, and I broke all relationship because eventualny I would lost interest in person, I would start to be annoyed also |
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jakov
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by jakov on Apr 12, 2023 9:09:49 GMT
“ - the feelings that all her exes had some advantage compared to me...” - what kind of advantages ? This could also be a “man” thing/a competitive thing or what you will call it on the instinctive level / caveman level - I have had boyfriends asking me about how many men I have had sex with in the beginning of the relationship, what type of job my exes had ect. It also takes some time to find out if you want to see where the relationship takes you (you write the first 6 months) And it takes some time for the attatchment system to kick in Try to write your history with your former partners down And your attatchment with your parents down and their relationship Nothing happens in a vacum - you are also affected by your partners attatchmentstyle You could have some fa/desorganised attatcment style (come here, go away) - they are afraid of getting overwhelmed on the instinctive level Aps can turn around when love becomes available because they have problems with recieving jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetestsBodylanguage and the attatcment styles - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45685/Addition: in a very small age (3,4) I didn't Want to cuddle with my parents top much, I had small discomfort od Being intimate. This was also the case later in my puberty etc... I still have similar feeling od discomfort |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 12, 2023 18:53:51 GMT
Having a "good" childhood in which you know your parents care and they're not abusing you doesn't mean they were attuned to you, connecting, or able to meet your emotional needs consistently. Lacking those can lead to an insecure attachment style even without any "big T" trauma. One of my exes is textbook FA and his family is there for each other in their way, but one of his parents has a tough time reading people and switched back between being a helicopter parent and smothering / enmeshing with him and not paying attention to him when he actually needed it. Parent meant well, clearly cares, did the best they could, but all the family members struggle with bad communication and their own issues (making it hard to teach a child healthier skills when you don't have them yourself). Having a dynamic like that where the parent only does what they think is best without ever actually listening to you trying to communicate what you want without their assumptions (or in your case, not understanding your feelings and mocking them) will still have an impact over time. You as a still emotionally underdeveloped little kid will start to assume you're doing something wrong and will maybe start disconnecting from or hiding your feelings to avoid the shame of being mocked or to avoid disappointment, while trying to find other ways of getting your needs met which may work with your family but is dysfunctional as an adult with other people. This becomes subconscious during childhood, you don't even realize or think about it after a point, it's just a pattern based out of a defense mechanism, which naturally evolves into an insecure attachment style. Being enmeshed with a parent or having an overbearing parent also really screws up your boundaries, because there aren't any, and can be a common theme among people with FA and sometimes AP attachment styles. FA especially will get really uncomfortable with their boundaries crossed but not know how to stop it from happening and may try to push the person away or just feel uncomfortable because they either can't communicate that their boundaries are being pushed or never felt heard when they tried to tell someone in the past so they don't even try and just shut down and get quietly resentful and uncomfortable instead (maybe what happened when you didn't want to be affectionate as a 3-4 year old but didn't know how to say it and be heard and listened to about it).
So part of overcoming this as an adult can be accepting your family for who they are and even that they tried their best, but still needing to reparent and reconnect to yourself in a healthier way (often through the help of a good therapist). It's still a childhood of conditioning you need to undo so it isn't quick or easy, but it is possible to work through these issues and fears over time.
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