Red Flags

I'm an AP but I really wouldn't consider many of these red flags. I think context is important, because I can imagine lots of these being completely harmless.
But for my ex (presumably FA), looking back I think some red flags were conflict avoidance, lack of a growth mindset, low self esteem, lack of emotional intimacy with friends/family even though he regularly kept in touch with them, stonewalling. I am a very confrontational/straightforward person who has very secure friendships and relationship with my mom, but it would be hard for me to talk about dealbreakers/important things with him sometimes because it would feel like he wouldn't be able to cope with it/take things too personally.

Of everything you've listed, I'd say the few I'm quoting above are the only real red flags, and they are indeed red flags often related to attachment wounding. Being conflict avoidant usually indicates issues with communication, vulnerability, and asserting needs. Depending on the context in which it was mentioned, what she said about wanting a partner who isn't controlling suggests she has issues maintaining her own boundaries (if a partner starts getting controlling, you can mention you find it inappropriate, and then leave the relationship if it repeats, rather than worrying about it enough early on to mention it).

These are possibly yellow flags, depending on if they reflect a maintained pattern of current instability in her life:

-She moved around a lot as a child. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's lived in over 20 houses/apartments, etc., in her life
-Lots of different jobs, employers, etc.

Everything else seems to be you making a lot of assumptions about her intentions, or things between you that just weren't the most compatible, including some personality traits and preferences, love language differences, and differences in sexual comfort, speeds, and styles. In fact, her not telling you very personal and sensitive things right away (about her sexuality and abuse in her past) is healthy because she wanted to establish trust and connection first before opening up.

-Ended our relationship abruptly, going completely cold, after receiving my validation and after we committed ourselves to each other

And that isn't a red flag, as it's a breakup. But blindsided breakups are never a good sign, as it again reflects issues with communication, vulnerability, and asserting needs.

I understand what you're trying to do in seeking out what went wrong, but I also think this list is a little too exhaustive and overanalytical. I get it, since I spent most of my life AP. But exercises in that level of hypervigilance means not seeing the forest through the trees. It's good to recognize the very basic red flags of inconsistency / hot and cold, instability, problems with communication and boundaries, and not wanting the same things you want in regards to life stage and type of relationship. Everything else is scanning outwardly (looking externally) and being hypervigilant to threats, when it's easier to gauge a connection by further strengthening your own security (looking internally) and being honest with yourself about whether or not the way a dating situation is unfolding meets your needs. That's the surefire way to be present and build a new connection, since there's no assumptions there, you just see the other person as they are and decide if it works well and meshes with you. Whenever I'd encountered mismatches in attachment styles when I was insecure, I knew to an extent, my gut instinct always said something about it early on... but I didn't know how to listen to it, would put any perceived issues on me and myself only, would assume I just needed to be better to fix the smoothness of the relationship, and I'd end up completely second guessing and then ignoring my gut. Which would result in incompatible relationships, trying to make square pegs fit in round holes, in which no one was fully happy.

Thank you for the feedback. I did include items that I, too, don't feel are necessarily red flags. However, as I'm sure you know again as a former AP, hindsight is 20/20 when ruminating through a tragic event. I respectfully disagree about the sexuality portion of her past, however. I believe something so important in interpersonal relationships should be stated more upfront. Not the first date, necessarily. Perhaps not even the second. Her omitting that truth for 2.5 months however was not right, in my opinion. The trauma and past relationship, though, I agree whole-heartedly. Two or so months, in my past "healthy" relationships, is around the time certain conversations were had and that always felt appropriate.

I note that I do understand her reasoning for withholding certain truths. I get it - you both want to to trust the person, but also don't want to have them not accept you because you're developing feelings for them. I feel it goes both ways. My going through the list of course is to pick-up on what I may have missed with her being an FA. As you stated, only a few items stand out to you, which makes it quite difficult to be able to detach from an incompatibility that isn't even there. That's what makes interacting with an FA so difficult, I suppose? You don't know until the moment the other shoe drops.

I greatly appreciate your response!

EDIT NOTE: I mean her withholding her sexuality/sexual preference (being bi) - not her sexual history, amount of partners, trauma/abuse, etc. (which I would believe is appropriate to withhold until later in the courtship as you noted).

aeropro I think it can be tough to tell if someone is AP vs FA the first 3ish months (early honeymoon period), because they're usually caught up in the excitement, new relationship energy, wanting and receiving validation, lust, etc. and it's enough to temporarily override the avoidance fears. So there may not be any really clear way to tell what their attachment style is until all the fears kick in, though you should still be able to see at least hints if they are insecure not secure, if not all out signs. But it means the best way to deal with it is temper the speed of your own attachment, be present and see the actual person not the potential, as you're still getting to know each other. AP also don't tend to attract other AP, because the dynamic doesn't fulfill the need for "longing" that an anxious person associates with attraction and love. I only really attracted AP guys a couple times, when I was very nearly secure and later when I fully earned secure. But it was very, very obvious, because I felt like they acted just like me when I was 19 and an immature unaware AP... though they were way older by then 😬 They definitely had no boundaries and didn't listen to firm and direct things I said I wanted if it didn't fit what they wanted, so they'd try to twist it into what they wanted to hear to make things work. FA and DA, on the other hand, were always intriguing when I was younger and unaware because they didn't act like me or think like me, even though we connected over dysfunction.

In regards to the sexuality, we may need to agree to disagree. I think it's something that's important to share, at least before you both decide to further commit. However, there's so much trauma around LGBTQA+ issues in so many places (I'm in the US, and the discrimination, family / friend rejection, hatred, and even violence around such things is alive and well in many parts of the country), that her comfort in sharing that really depends on her past experiences. I hope people don't need to hide parts of themselves and live in the closet, but I understand if they do out of a history of facing safety issues. Combining that with having been in an abusive relationship, I'm just not identifying her waiting to share that as a red flag issue right away as long as she says something before you commit so that you have all the information to make a decision. It obviously makes it harder to gauge compatibility if you find that topic to be a curveball and didn't know for a while, so I get why you'd want to know sooner than later. It may come with other issues (some people are monogamous no matter their gender preferences, others want a primary partner but maybe agreements about the other gender, there's lots of possibilities that only matter to the extent all parties are on the same page about whatever they are comfortable with). I just don't think that on its own is necessarily an attachment issue rather than a different set of concerns related to fear or religion or even lack of full self-acceptance at this stage in her exploration.

If she doesn't know what she wants and can't verbalize it, THAT is a huge red flag. In general, not just as far as a romantic relationship goes. And to go back and answer your initial question, besides just recognizing AP behavior through your own experience with having that style, I still think inconsistency (words don't always match actions don't always match feelings) is the biggest early tell of an insecure attachment style.

Forgot another: chaotic dating history. Run away if someone says all their exes are crazy, and are not maturely taking any accountability for their own role. That person isn't ready for an emotionally stable relationship yet.

I don't necessarily think you not usually being attracted to avoidants has to do with gender. It's far more likely to be related to whatever your family dynamics were growing up, and whichever side of the insecure behavioral spectrum is comfortably familiar and feels like love to you. Coupled with your introversion, maybe, and the personalities that naturally suit that (neutral comment, not a dig at all). Sure, in America, women are pushed the narrative that men never want to be tied down, which makes it more socially acceptable for women to be anxious and the naggy ones, perhaps more emotionally volatile. But there are plenty of (arguably insecure) men who find themselves attracted to women who play hard to get also, which generally is associated with avoidance or lack of emotional availability. But ultimately, if you know avoidant traits aren't what you want, then it's for the best you're not attracted to them

I do think where gender may come in is in regards to recognizing how women have to be vigilant about safety, and it's easy when people don't need to actively think about that for it simply to not be on their radar. For example, I'm not naturally distrustful of others, unless they're setting off my alarm bells for a reason. But even so, I had ways to try to keep safe meeting strangers off online dating, I am aware of my surroundings when out and about alone walking or on public transit, it's just things women unfortunately do need to think about (the number of date rapes I know of is horrifying, even if most people would never dream of doing something like that, it's still a real concern). That's also going to be turned way up for someone who has experienced abuse outright, and possibly abuse or aggression (or objectification) for disclosing any sexual preferences seen as outside the norm.

(But I do agree with you that people should always put all the important information out there before commitment decisions, or they'll end up in incompatible situations that suck for everyone later on. And if they're not doing that, communication ability is in question, but I feel more like first 3 months for disclosure of something very sensitive like sexuality struggles is fair game. I've been put off by people not telling me about separations and divorces or children within the first few dates max, though.)

I have not been abused in the ways it is implied your ex has, so my experience and perspective is different which means I'm inherently making assumptions about her experience which may be incorrect. But I don't think from what I've read and heard from people that it's unusual that some people react to being violated by seeking seemingly safer connections wherever they can find them, which may mean branching out to their previously non-preferred gender (if they have one). That's not necessarily avoidance or dysfunction (though it could be), but it definitely will go better if coupled with therapy to heal from the trauma, rather than making those choices specifically for distraction and external validation. Part of becoming more secure that is discussed in some threads here is connecting with yourself and experimenting to truly figure out who you are and what you like without perceiving anyone else in your ear. So to decide if that sort of exploration is a healthy way of processing trauma versus reactive running away requires more information.

In regards to, would I personally have continued seeing someone in a situation like that, it depends on a couple things, including how much time has passed since the bad incidents. Everyone has baggage, especially after a certain age. And chaotic past relationships are an indicator of an insecure attachment style, but at a certain point, someone can earn secure (or be on the path) and has to start with their first non-chaotic relationship somewhere, so is that the life stage you've met them at? How they deal with and respond to their baggage shows if they're ready for something more secure and functional. What has she already started doing or done to heal or change? Can she speak plainly about what she's done differently since her bad experiences, without shutting down?

Someone who hasn't processed the chaos and trauma at all and is just trying to move on but without great direction about it, isn't a good person to move forward with if things on your side are already secure and that's for sure what you're looking for at this point in time. Because they're just not close enough to being in the same emotional place as you in their process. Doesn't mean they can never get there, but you're very likely not on anywhere close to the same timeline. Which isn't fair to either of you. If they're already on the path to security for themselves and doing the work with or without you in the equation, that may be worth seeing how things go.

My experiences with unaware FA versus unaware DA when I was unaware AP was I'd always have to chase DA enough to get things started. They were interested in me, but because they were avoidant, they didn't prioritize relationships and wouldn't put in much effort to getting into them without being pushed. I didn't understand this because at the time I thought all healthy humans were biologically wired to seek connection with the same mindset and priority (incorrect AP assumption that everyone shares your needs deep down!). We both felt the chemistry, but if I wasn't taking more initiative than I should have (since I wanted an equal effort partnership, but was accepting crumbs anyway), I wouldn't hear from them as much at the beginning as was probably normal in a secure relationship. I suppose I saw this as okay: going slow to build trust (rather than to keep emotional distance involved). Then we'd date and eventually label things officially, and then over time after the honeymoon period they'd flip off and slightly deactivate and just drift away, and I'd try harder, they might tell me some honest compatibility concerns that I'd feel love could overcome rather than better listening to them, and we'd go full on anxious-avoidant trap until they dumped me. When I made an unconscious shift and only started dating FA, it was because I'd feel this great interest in me that equaled the interest I'd show in them, very strong and intense connections. And I thought, oh! This is what a reciprocated love relationship is supposed to feel like, amazing! This must be the right dating track now! Without recognizing the mutual lack of boundaries and need for validation and triggered mutual fear of abandonment. Then, since they were FA, they'd eventually 180 suddenly, and I'd be blindsided and blame myself for doing something really wrong to lose that level of affection, and then we'd go right into the anxious-avoidant trap. But worse, because I felt like I somehow must have caused them to lose their love, and they felt like they'd lost their intense feelings for me but didn't understand it themselves and would see if they could get the feelings back (it would often come out later that this was a pattern in their past related to lack of emotional availability), and we'd keep banging our heads against the wall unable to properly communicate or meet each other's needs. So it was a different dynamic between the two avoidant style types, but still an unhealthy mess over time, since none of the insecure attachment styles, AP, DA, or FA, are actually fully emotionally available when it comes down to it.

I'd recommend reading through secure dynamics and healthy communication styles rather than focusing on red flags. Now that you've been through a hot and cold situation where communication got really difficult, you will recognize when a new connection feels easier without also feeling too good to be true. A healthy very serious monogamous relationship isn't about taking the lead on managing someone else's emotions for them and walking around eggshells to keep the relationship together. It's about mutually being honest, building trust and connection to enjoy the relationship, building a life together instead to be a team to work through life's problems. That's a lot easier than hitting a point during the first weeks, months, maybe year or two of seeing your partner as also your adversary through power struggles. Sometimes you also just need to accept you won't know someone well enough to know if the relationship really works for the first few months, as it just takes time.

I went there with my ex, looking at every single detail of our relationship to try and figure out where it went wrong, what I missed, what every word and action meant... and I also felt compelled to label him as fearful avoidant, maybe even a bit borderline... but I think when you preoccupy yourself with this, you are shielding yourself from the core wound of this, which is a rejection. She didn't want to continue the relationship when you did. Which sucks and really hurts, especially for someone with anxious tendencies.

Tending to that hurt is kind of the only way through this. Letting yourself feel how awful it is. It sounds like you couldn't have seen this coming. Sometimes that happens. It could be that she was holding onto reasons why she felt you were incompatible, but didn't have the courage to share those with you.

Nobody here can ever know what her true attachment style is, there are so many factors at play.

There seems to be a common theme that prompts people to find their way to this part of the forum ... and that is the way that their ex chooses to exit the relationship. It's not so much the relationship itself that causes so much drama (I don't think I've seen many people who post when they're in the middle of a relationship, it tends to be when they've just been dumped), but the way it suddenly ends out of nowhere, leaves us to question what happened, who that person really was, what their attachment style is, and what they were hiding. it causes you to re-think the good moments and question if they were real.

If you imagine your ex coming to you, sitting you down and giving you the compassion that you needed in that moment... explaining that there are certain incompatibilities, and she's feeling some fear and she's really sorry, but she can't continue in the relationship, reassures you that you're a great person, you did nothing wrong, asks you what you need, listens to you, shows she cares, and then gently explains any boundaries she needs in terms of contact so it's not a shock... if you had that sort of ending from her, do you think you could lay it down and let it go without so much pain and confusion?

I think as someone with anxious tendencies, this is what we yearn for - that level of compassion and understanding and empathy. Someone to tend to our needs in a moment of pain. To reassure us that we're good, loveable people.

But unfortunately she didn't do that, nor did my ex. But we can give that compassion to ourselves instead, and find it from our close circle of friends... and move on knowing it's just a sad ending to a beautiful connection that unfortunately wasn't meant to last forever.