Break from dating, a good Idea or flight response | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

noclue
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Posts: 1

Break from dating, a good Idea or flight response Apr 20, 2023 1:04:04 GMT via mobile

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Post by noclue on Apr 20, 2023 1:04:04 GMT

Hello everyone, I'm a 26 y/o male.
About 3 months ago I ended a relationship with a guy my age after 4.5 months (longest I ever had). he was so kind, beutiful and intelligent. We were also very much alike , we shared values and we were at a similar stage in life. He also had some disadvantages which bothered me for example he was still closeted, and also in early stages of therapy , I have been to therapy for about 8 years now due to ocd and also many other manifests of mental health issues. He accepted me as I was, but my own FA attachment style has made the relationship a living hell, for me, at least. I couldn't trust his love, I kept doubting our compatibility and the FA has also made me devalue him sometimes and idealising him in other times. I kept these feelings in secret which made things much worse. I took the breakup pretty rough but started dating pretty much right away, about a month ago I started seeing a guy who at first I was very attracted to, but I kept finding red flags. For example after 3 dates only he explicitly asked if we are officially "together" I agreed because I liked him and also wasn't interested in looking for anyone else in the meanwhile, or so i thought. He also started taking pictures of us together which I found pretty hasty. He is also currently unemployed for a pretty long time. But what bothered me the most, is myself. I quickly lost interest and attraction as soon as I knew he likes me and wouldn't go away. We share values and he is faithful and good hearted. I feel like even if we stay together for now, I will do my best to keep him away. I know I have fearful avoidant attachment and also ROCD, and I know a lot of my dissatisfaction comes from my perception of love and fear of getting hurt. What I really wish for right now is some tome without dating in order to work on myself and to know what I am actually looking for- I plan on starting a dbt group next week and also proceed with therapy and medication. I just wonder if this sounds like a good Idea or is this a tactic to run away from a potential serious relationship out of fear.
TL;DR:
I have FA attachment style and ROCD and tired of fighting for failing relationships. Started dating someone and hate it. Is taking a break from dating with actual plan to work on myslf (like dbt) a good Idea or a flight response.

Sorry for the length of the question.
Thank you all very much! Bless you!

alexandra
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Posts: 3,013

Break from dating, a good Idea or flight response Apr 20, 2023 2:49:01 GMT via mobile

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Post by alexandra on Apr 20, 2023 2:49:01 GMT

Working on yourself is always a good idea. It doesn't really matter at this stage if it's a flight response or not, because regardless you're not in a good place to date anyone or you wouldn't go through the same pattern each time with each one. It takes time and effort to get to a less fearful place, and it's great you really want to see what else you can try to focus on yourself and supplement the therapy you've already had. Don't feel bad that you recognize things aren't working right now, but the kindest way to deal with it is to tell him that you thought you were in a good place for a relationship but you're not, end it, and make a clean break even if you start to miss him once you have space again. That is likely to happen as a distraction when the self-work gets hard, but doing some healing of your own and eventually coming out more secure on the other side will be worth it. So don't feel bad about taking a break from dating, feel good that you're recognizing your own needs.

But also make sure you follow through on the goals you're setting for yourself. If you stop dating him just to get away and then don't do any of the things you're posting about and instead meet someone else in the next couple months to rinse and repeat with, then there's a good chance you're just making excuses to avoid! Good luck

tnr9
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Break from dating, a good Idea or flight response Apr 20, 2023 3:23:34 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on Apr 20, 2023 3:23:34 GMT

I agree with alexandra ….when you see a pattern in yourself that is preventing you from having the type of relationship you desire…it is best to stop and focus on what you want to do to address it. It sounds like you tend to choose partners who have AP insecurity and thus you get activated avoidant (thus the laundry list of red flags and doubts). I am also FA but I tend to pick partners with more avoidant insecurities thus I tend to come across as AP. It sounds like you have a therapist, but another avenue you could explore is Somatic Experiencing which works with stored trauma in your body….I have found it very useful.

Last Edit: Apr 28, 2023 0:21:54 GMT by tnr9

cherrycola
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Posts: 553

Break from dating, a good Idea or flight response Apr 21, 2023 4:11:40 GMT

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Post by cherrycola on Apr 21, 2023 4:11:40 GMT

I think it can be both, it all depends on degrees. Starting DBT and meds seems like a good logical time to take a bit of a break.

For context I am an FA who typically swings pretty AP with partners. I wouldn't be surprised if I have ROCD. I did a year of self work, a year of therapy, tried out different meds, and dated on and off during that time. At first I thought maybe I was becoming more secure, but then I got tangled up with a pretty dysfunctional FA which really highlighted some areas to work on. I kept trying to work on those but I found myself becoming more and more dismissive of dates. Always coming up with laundry lists of faults and having to really force myself to put energy into the exchanges. Sometimes I would become interested and then just flip off. I stopped dating thinking maybe I needed to just focus on myself but now I just don't want to date, at all. I think it's now tipped into full on avoidance.

I think it's also okay to be bothered that your partner is closeted and you are not. It is okay for them to be that way, but as someone who isn't yourself, you can want someone who is also out. It would also bother me if someone was trying to force me to move too fast, and it can push many people away, not just those who are insecure.