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Post by usernametaken on May 17, 2023 2:22:30 GMT
lovebunny I'm not referring to big T trauma like assault necessarily. Relational trauma can also do a number on someone as we are all here trying to middle through. I completely understand your sentiment of wanting to just let go and relax, which a good Dom is great for. I think it is almost like they are giving you permission to be carnal and express your entire range of physical needs which can be hard since sexual shame is so rampant. Especially towards women. mrob my counselor was worried about that exact thing. That you can very easily retraumatize yourself. She felt that only with a strong and safe connection was it something that could be explored.
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Post by anne12 on May 17, 2023 3:01:53 GMT
Women can carry trauma in their pelvic floor, in their yoni
- by having sex: women often gets penetrated too early before their Yoni is ready and they therefore overrule their own boundaries / gets their body's boundaries crossed, which can lead to less desire for sex and sometimes can cause shock trauma.
The yoni is the most intimate part of the womans body and by saying yes (to sex) when her body means no can damage a womens selfworth and can make her feel bad.
There are people who are specialized in working with the yoni - also in the US
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Post by anne12 on May 17, 2023 8:32:04 GMT
A man - Why did you choose a man and not a woman ?
What did he do to you ?
I will post some ressources (from the US) later
I would only use some practitioners who are recommended by trauma educated practitioner’s, female sexologists, professional attatcment therapists specialized in females ect.
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Post by anne12 on May 19, 2023 10:03:55 GMT
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Post by lovebunny on May 19, 2023 13:12:50 GMT
Always do what Oprah says!  Thank you Anne12, that was a really helpful thing I hadn't read before, and makes sense. |
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Post by usernametaken on May 20, 2023 0:17:41 GMT
He didn’t do nothing wrong but maybe nothing healing either. Re-read what you typed out as if a friend was telling you about that experience. To me it reads as VERY creepy and that he did do something wrong. Someone in that position should be focused on your safety at all times and it very much does not sound like he did that. |
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Post by alexandra on May 21, 2023 17:53:40 GMT
You don't need to take it as an apology or anything other than what it really is: an explanation that it's him and not you. Which is good validation.
I personally wouldn't pursue this further based on what you've shared on this forum about what you're currently looking for, and based on his messages. It was kind and mature of him to be honest. But in that honesty, he has shared that both of you are struggling with relationship and intimacy issues, which means you can expect more of the same ambivalent back and forth in the future from him if anything continued. Since you are already trying to work through your own attachment issues, doing that by engaging and investing in someone else who admits they are not in a healthy emotional place and has major trust issues in dealing with romantic relationships is going to trigger the hell out of you. It will end up toxic, people will feel used because they are taking their own issues out on each other, no matter if everyone has good intentions or cares about each other. My recommendation is move on to someone more stable if you're looking for a more stable and healthier situation than the ones you've found in the past. Now you can do that without questioning yourself, as you've been told there are situations that don't go smoothly that truly have nothing to do with you. They're just not the right match and the other person isn't in the right place to show up, so you can keep moving forward without doubting yourself.
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Post by alexandra on May 21, 2023 20:49:28 GMT
Going back is very tempting because I like his company and intellectual stimulation and what he can provide. Even though he said he doesn't want to give financial support I know for a fact that he still would. Maybe not as an x figure after a date of x hours or a monthly sum described in a contract of sorts, but he would still help out with cash for sure + take me to cultural events, dining, VIP parties, pay for luxury taxis and expensive beauty treatments, etc. And this is a huge incentive to make me go out with him to be honest. However would be a good experiment for observing triggers and practicing communication. It sounds like you are trying to justify and rationalize avoiding disconnection, even though he didn't even say he wants to revisit the situation. But you also know better, since you said you'd be putting him in position for a self-fulfilling prophecy of his own fears, and this very true. You will make your own choices, but the healthiest one by far will be to let this one go. There are other ways to generate more financial security and to practice communication without being in toxic dynamics. Especially since this one would need an enormous amount of work to not even amount to very much satisfaction, and you've only met a few times in the first place. |
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Post by introvert on May 21, 2023 22:38:13 GMT
Going back is very tempting because I like his company and intellectual stimulation and what he can provide. Even though he said he doesn't want to give financial support I know for a fact that he still would. Maybe not as an x figure after a date of x hours or a monthly sum described in a contract of sorts, but he would still help out with cash for sure + take me to cultural events, dining, VIP parties, pay for luxury taxis and expensive beauty treatments, etc. And this is a huge incentive to make me go out with him to be honest. However would be a good experiment for observing triggers and practicing communication. It sounds like you are trying to justify and rationalize avoiding disconnection, even though he didn't even say he wants to revisit the situation. But you also know better, since you said you'd be putting him in position for a self-fulfilling prophecy of his own fears, and this very true. You will make your own choices, but the healthiest one by far will be to let this one go. There are other ways to generate more financial security and to practice communication without being in toxic dynamics. Especially since this one would need an enormous amount of work to not even amount to very much satisfaction, and you've only met a few times in the first place. I second this, just go back and read this thread. If you play stupid games you will get stupid prizes and it will be all on you. You are not just dealing with any issues he may have, your issues will absolutely hit you in the face here all the way through. You're kidding yourself. |
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Post by mrob on May 22, 2023 2:16:15 GMT
I missed this way earlier on. When money is involved, everything else goes out the window. It becomes a transaction. Anything else around it is just frilly nicety - a social lubricant, if you like.
If you’re unable to separate sex from love and feeling, it isn’t the profession for you - and as soon as you take money, you’re a professional. It’s binary.
I have seen a professional twice in my life, and was in a relationship for a while with a sex worker. I’ve seen the switch in action. She started off needing to make a quid and feel a bit of power in herself. She did both of those things, but she’d have had something similar with a profession outside of sex work, I’d say. Sex work, although it not being your exact intention, is just that, sex work.
I’d have a relationship with a sex worker again, because there’s a level of honesty (that he described in that conversation) which is refreshing. Sex workers sometimes see men in ways that the outside world does not.
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Thank you Anne12, that was a really helpful thing I hadn't read before, and makes sense.
