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Post by mysteryuser on Apr 22, 2023 13:17:40 GMT
Hi, in addition to working on my AP traits, I'm also trying to gauge if there are traits that indicate whether someone is good at managing and resolving conflict and resilience, two traits important to me in a relationship.
I know there are some obvious markers against this skill - conflict avoidance, lack of communication, stonewalling, "shutting down", withdrawing etc that are antithetical to good conflict resolution. But in early stages of dating, what traits indicate to you that the person might be good at tackling conflict?
Similarly with resilience - all or nothing thinking, being carried away with emotion, pessimistic thinking can be indicators of lack of resilience. But I am clueless as to what might indicate 'resilience' without glorifying past trauma. I am merely talking about the resilience to understand that unpleasant emotions/disappointments are phases that might happen in every relationship, but the ability to cope with those emotions and rise from them are important to me.
Would love your input, thanks!
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Post by alexandra on Apr 22, 2023 18:55:52 GMT
You not feeling confused during conflict resolution discussions, and them generally having an optimistic but realistic attitude about challenges (no "magical thinking" mentality) are good indicators that the other person will be mature in these ways. As well as observing them coping with stress in healthy ways (maybe going for a walk instead of to a bar after a disappointment, letting you know if something is bothering them that has nothing to do with you and they need a minute, or a few hours or a day, to process it on their own, not taking their own stuff out on you even if they ask for support).
The only thing tricky I encountered that wasn't straight forward and obvious pretty quickly (the bad communication, stone walling, etc) was someone who was very intellectual and great at repair (meaning good communication, was willing and open to talk about things without shutting down or seeming stressed or intimidated, seemed to be emotionally mature), but then it turned out he completely and secretly stunk at actual conflict resolution. Because he would just omit parts of his communication that were directly related to solving the conflict if they went against his needs. So it seemed like he was super open and rational, good, caring listener, and wanted to meet in the middle and was someone who looked towards working through all the things, but at the end of the day it was still his way or the highway, he just didn't openly admit that. This came out as we wouldn't ever "fight" but we'd either have the same conflict repetitively (nothing was resolved so nothing changed, even though no one was actively upset or fighting, and he'd make it seem like all was well after we talked), or he'd blindside me out of no where later with a decision he'd made about what he wanted that he'd never mentioned. So, technically he hadn't committed to saying anything to the contrary because he omitted saying anything at all while acting like we were on the same page.
It took 2 months to be able to see this difference between being good and emotionally mature at repair, but still actually terrible at true conflict resolution. And as we talked more, it turned out he had the same pattern with his past partners. So sometimes, you just need time to get to know someone better, which is why it's better to emotionally invest slowly at the beginning. Not out of fear or distrust, but because it takes time to really build a connection and get to know who the other person is and if they are consistent in what they're showing you.
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Post by mysteryuser on Apr 22, 2023 23:26:27 GMT
I think the "magical thinking" bit rings very true for me. My ex always wanted to "minimize" conflict/misunderstandings, even miscommunications, because we "know each other well" and are "smart people". Unfortunately it doesn't work that way no matter how smart you both are and no matter how well you know each other. My inner AP made me feel like I shouldn't complain/have an issue with that expectation because I need to be a good girlfriend and live up to his expectations even if I didn't think it was feasible for me.
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Post by introvert on Apr 23, 2023 0:23:31 GMT
I think the "magical thinking" bit rings very true for me. My ex always wanted to "minimize" conflict/misunderstandings, even miscommunications, because we "know each other well" and are "smart people". Unfortunately it doesn't work that way no matter how smart you both are and no matter how well you know each other. My inner AP made me feel like I shouldn't complain/have an issue with that expectation because I need to be a good girlfriend and live up to his expectations even if I didn't think it was feasible for me. This right here is your own conflict avoidance. It's been my experience that outward focus like looking for traits in another person can be a real distraction from what really needs your attention. I understand that you are working hard on your AP blind spots, and that will pay off nicel. When you gain confidence and experience in your own conflict resolution skills it will be much easier to recognize it in another. That said, it's not uncommon for couples to develop conflict resolution skills together. Rarely do we have something all buttoned up without any need for further growth. People are complex, and a dynamic between two people may have some general traits but also many many nuances that have to be navigated as a couple, a partnership between two unique individuals. My partner and I began with less than ideal conflict resolution skills together which have evolved over the three years we've been together as we both grow, individually and in the partnership. There just has to be a basic level of personal awareness and accountability to make changes as it becomes apparent that things aren't being resolved well. |
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