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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2023 14:13:27 GMT
I am having a reaction that is more than the situation should allow. I sell as a sideline business…and 2 rare items I sold arrived broken and fiscally I am ok if I do not get reimbursed….but emotionally I am stuck in shame because the buyer was rightfully angry that her items arrived broken…but accused me of a lack of care in my packaging. This has activated a very deep shame of making mistakes and I can’t seem to find my way out of it. It has caught the adult in me off guard and I don’t seem to have the proper tools to get out of this freeze state. I have tried breathing exercises,grounding exercises, I spoke with a friend…but it is like I am trying to punish myself to make it right by revisiting how I packed my items and how I should have packed my items. This is going sooooo deep and I am looking for some kind suggestions. Life is full of these types of moments but my tool belt seems inadequate right now.
***Also aware of a very deep seated fear of judgement right now***
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Post by alexandra on Apr 30, 2023 18:52:31 GMT
I've had items arrive broken even through Amazon, which makes an entire business out of specializing in shipping (though their 3rd party vendor quality control can be very lacking). Anyway, while it's been nothing rare in those cases, I message the company to complain and return and get a refund, and then I find a replacement, and that's that. In the long run, this customer may not transact with you anymore and may be disappointed in the moment (or may even sound extra hostile as part of a scam to get out of paying for the items??), but they're not going to be dwelling on it for long and are moving forward. So it's okay for you to do the same once you follow whatever refund rules are in place. They don't even know you, they just want their money back and to blame someone to feel better. It may not have even been your mistake (delivery services aren't perfect either), but next time you'll double-check the packaging and that's really all you can do. Old tracks don't need to apply here, only your own voice in your head matters. Outside of the money loss which you said doesn't break you, the big picture is, this is not a catastrophe that changes your life, so it will be okay. Even if it were, ask yourself why other people are allowed to make mistakes but you don't give yourself grace when the unexpected happens? Try to really process that answer.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2023 19:21:43 GMT
I've had items arrive broken even through Amazon, which makes an entire business out of specializing in shipping (though their 3rd party vendor quality control can be very lacking). Anyway, while it's been nothing rare in those cases, I message the company to complain and return and get a refund, and then I find a replacement, and that's that. In the long run, this customer may not transact with you anymore and may be disappointed in the moment (or may even sound extra hostile as part of a scam to get out of paying for the items??), but they're not going to be dwelling on it for long and are moving forward. So it's okay for you to do the same once you follow whatever refund rules are in place. They don't even know you, they just want their money back and to blame someone to feel better. It may not have even been your mistake (delivery services aren't perfect either), but next time you'll double-check the packaging and that's really all you can do. Old tracks don't need to apply here, only your own voice in your head matters. Outside of the money loss which you said doesn't break you, the big picture is, this is not a catastrophe that changes your life, so it will be okay. Even if it were, ask yourself why other people are allowed to make mistakes but you don't give yourself grace when the unexpected happens? Try to really process that answer. Thank you so much Alexandra….I had a good chat with another friend this morning and read some articles on shame and fear of judgement. Even as I write this response, I am crying and my throat is is tight….which are my automatic responses. Shame and fear of judgement are so deep seated and while my therapist and I have been trying to tackle this issue….I feel we are simply scratching the surface because of a fear of judgement over discussing my fear of judgement (which she is aware of). I don’t know why other people are allowed to make mistakes while I hold myself to a level of perfection that is not achievable…although I think it may have a bit to do with being treated as the black sheep within the family who could never do anything right. it always was presented as I should have known better. It is where my magical thinking started where I would focus on how things should have gone in an effort to change the outcome. As to the buyer being reimbursed…the selling app will take care of that so it really lies with them and not me. |
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 30, 2023 19:58:56 GMT
This hit me in the feels as I'm stuck in freeze myself this week. I also know the feeling of I recognize this but I can't seem to get out of it which makes the shame spiral that much worse.
Also strongly feel the fear of being judged which makes talking about it that much worse.
So I forced myself to take a shower, do my hair and makeup, got dressed and left the house. So far I'm kinda frozen sitting here eating brunch but at least it's some sort of progress.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2023 21:39:11 GMT
This hit me in the feels as I'm stuck in freeze myself this week. I also know the feeling of I recognize this but I can't seem to get out of it which makes the shame spiral that much worse. Also strongly feel the fear of being judged which makes talking about it that much worse. So I forced myself to take a shower, do my hair and makeup, got dressed and left the house. So far I'm kinda frozen sitting here eating brunch but at least it's some sort of progress. Oh my….I did not mean to add to your freeze state. It really does suck. I will admit that alexandra post and questions helped as it reminded me that the shame and fear are not in the present but in a very old place and that helped me just enough to unfreeze. cherrycola….you did make progress today. I know this personally, because anything that gets you “out” is progress even if the freeze state lingers. Sending virtual hugs. |
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 30, 2023 23:21:18 GMT
This hit me in the feels as I'm stuck in freeze myself this week. I also know the feeling of I recognize this but I can't seem to get out of it which makes the shame spiral that much worse. Also strongly feel the fear of being judged which makes talking about it that much worse. So I forced myself to take a shower, do my hair and makeup, got dressed and left the house. So far I'm kinda frozen sitting here eating brunch but at least it's some sort of progress. Oh my….I did not mean to add to your freeze state. It really does suck. I will admit that alexandra post and questions helped as it reminded me that the shame and fear are not in the present but in a very old place and that helped me just enough to unfreeze. cherrycola….you did make progress today. I know this personally, because anything that gets you “out” is progress even if the freeze state lingers. Sending virtual hugs.
You didn't add to it at all. And now I feel bad that you feel bad. 😅
Feeling something over the numbness was nice and it is good to know others also have this response.
In a society that is go go go I often feel like I'm under functioning when I get stuck in freeze. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 1, 2023 0:58:08 GMT
Oh my….I did not mean to add to your freeze state. It really does suck. I will admit that alexandra post and questions helped as it reminded me that the shame and fear are not in the present but in a very old place and that helped me just enough to unfreeze. cherrycola ….you did make progress today. I know this personally, because anything that gets you “out” is progress even if the freeze state lingers. Sending virtual hugs.
You didn't add to it at all. And now I feel bad that you feel bad. 😅
Feeling something over the numbness was nice and it is good to know others also have this response.
In a society that is go go go I often feel like I'm under functioning when I get stuck in freeze. Oh…I am relieved that I did not make things worse….and I completely understand. You are not under funtioning….you are trying to deal with trauma and that is draining. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 3, 2023 23:21:29 GMT
Just an update….the selling app did decide that there was damage to the box and has paid me but has asked that I do a bit of a better job to prevent broken candles in the future.
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Post by cherrycola on May 4, 2023 0:18:21 GMT
Just an update….the selling app did decide that there was damage to the box and has paid me but has asked that I do a bit of a better job to prevent broken candles in the future. How does this make you feel? |
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Post by tnr9 on May 4, 2023 11:24:13 GMT
Just an update….the selling app did decide that there was damage to the box and has paid me but has asked that I do a bit of a better job to prevent broken candles in the future. How does this make you feel? Relief honestly…..a confirmation that my “best” was not the reason for the breakage….but I have also learned from this and that is the best that can come from this…..now I will package in a different way to increase the chance of no breakage. I am also grateful to have been able to explore the root a bit with my therapist. |
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