Observing This

I truly empathize. And sometimes I find if i have a burning anger against someone I'm actually carrying a burning anger or shame about myself. To acknowledge a mistake with compassion toward yourself can be surprisingly liberating, both in terms of how you feel about yourself and how you feel about the other person. Grace and compassion can relieve a lot of negativity that we carry because we are frustrated with ourselves and others. It allows us to move forward in a lighter way.

I have -- I tried asking him about feelings. Say things like, "That must have been hard. How are you now?" I've tried to open up more about other topics that are personal. And he admits he is "too positive" -- other people have called him on this. I have found it really off-putting and bordering "toxic-positivity" where everything is always sunshine. That is so not my world. I'm also okay with dark stuff and prefer someone who can show and share a little grit.

I've been very very frank with him and said - I'm looking to be married, I have a relatively young child (13, but still - she's a young 13). 

He tells me his intentions are the same. But his behavior doesn't suggest that. He's told me before he travels and all these people are "just friends." He seems to collect people and maybe this is story making, but it's like he always tells me about everyone he's meeting and all the interesting things he's doing and frankly, I don't care! Why not spend that energy getting to know me.

I do think it triggers something family-related, particularly dad-related now that I think about it. My dad once told me (when I was pregnant with my daughter), he should have never gotten married and had kids and should have stayed traveling around on his bike and sleeping in tents or whatever. My whole life, my dad never tried to get to know me. Or if I even ever shared something about myself, he changed the subject.


A does that too. I'm over it.

" He seems to collect people and maybe this is story making, but it's like he always tells me about everyone he's meeting and all the interesting things he's doing and frankly, I don't care! Why not spend that energy getting to know me.

People are great at listening to answer versus listening to understand. I think that can be especially true if you have been single for a while…the “enough about me, what about you?” Sometimes doesn’t happen…and it is good you have noticed this tendency in him and how that makes you feel unseen and unheard.

I've done a lot of "soul-searching" since posting this a couple days ago.

I couldn't get myself to really hit "end" on the connection. Have to keep looking at why.

This exploring has also been part of a larger look at what's going on with me lately. And makes me keep questioning my anxious attachment style (if it's truly FA) (but who knows).

I'm sure this has been happening for a long time and I'm only now on to myself - although recently I went through a feeling of betrayal that kicked up a lot.... but I keep seeing myself a bit out of control.... in my sessions with clients, I haven't been holding space or a tight container like I usually can. I have been showing up in sessions (which is fine, I'm a coach, not a therapist) in a way that makes me think there are parts of me that really want to be seen - so much so that they'll "butt their heads in" any chance they can get.

After the betrayal, I promised myself I would handle it with grace and not involve other people, and I found myself saying things about the other person (albeit more matter of fact) and then people not responding. And realizing I wanted someone to see what happened or to take my side.

I spent a lot of time in my head spiraling about who else was involved and if I should say something to them - something "biting" as Lovebunny said in my earlier note to this guy in question.

I've been noticing myself be a little more "biting" in general.

This is my most raw honest assessment of what happened with guy in question. I took some "ownership" of him for lack of a better word - like, hey we had a connection and all you do is talk about who you're going to fly around meeting and you still want me to be here? That is where the protest "attack" came in (see definition above). I have done this sort of thing before inside of a relationship - it's familiar to me. It's the biggest thing that makes me question truly being FA and not AP b/c typically the behavior goes unnoticed by the other (usually "A" type)....

I've explored the victim triangle and wondered if I bring this "into the room" with certain people in certain dynamics.

I've been really wanting to contact the friend from a year ago that I posted about here -- and be wrong so that we can have our connection back.

In the end, I'm longing for connection and to be seen. In such a big way. And those needs are going unmet. I've been doing work on seeing myself and connecting with myself (through IFS and parts work).

I also really don't want to just connect with anyone. I'm "picky" - not like super DA/FA picky but more that -- well, for example, I run into someone in the grocery store all the time. She's someone I know and something about our connection is SO incredibly profound and easy to me. I can't put a finger on what it is, but I feel so much myself with her. Yesterday she right away named what I was trying to say about what happened with the homeschool co-op I created (that now fell apart and is the betrayal I've been referencing here). She's been through it and she was like, "Oh, blah blah." And I was like "Yes!" I felt so SEEN. She's also just *right there* with her human-ness. No trying to manage the conversation with looking a certain way, no big personality you have to try to get past to connect, no sizing you up or -- she's just right there being herself - raw, honest, and open - and I absolutely love that. I love that she just says what's real for her at any given moment and is right there showing up with the deep side... like 15 mins in the grocery store produce aisle and I feel like all my connection needs are met.

Sadly, this is rare. I don't know why.

I do feel like there are people in my community who are like that but the thing is ... I get the feeling that one doesn't seek me out. More that she'll talk to me, but not like she runs over to talk to me when I show up. This person came and sought me out. That felt so reassuring too. I don't know if this is more an AP trait or FA or what, but I hate the feeling like someone is doing you a favor by talking - and yes, you're connecting, but it's almost like they can take it or leave it- I don't have any dynamics with this person from the grocery store. I just feel immediately safe.

Closing things with man in question felt really hard. I didn't do it. I sent an email to test him (Just admitting this -- big eye roll, right?) so I said a little about how community is complex, my one is not continuing. . . . that I'm not great with groups anyway, and more introverted and like 1:1 connections. Due to his travel dates, I really can't fit something in before he goes away for a month so at this point, if we met, it would be july or august. I just said "I'm sure we'll meet when the time is right."

But I purposely didn't open the "conversation" (email) to any general topics -- just all about me so that I can see how he responds TO ME rather than out the door on general subjects. It's a bad test, but if we can't even establish a basic person-to-person connection on Zoom and email about our personal lives, I don't see the point. 

There's a part of me that knows he's not the guy. And another part that goes "But but but ... what if. And ... maybe..." I think that part got fed by coming here and hearing everyone say "You don't really know him." And while I agree, I don't know him - I sort of know the general type - and I just don't think it's a fit. But I guess there is no harm in leaving it open. I'm not going anywhere. He's not or maybe he is. But I'll let the "universe" decide b/c other than my own instinct about knowing he's not my guy, I feel like I have nothing else to base it on (i.e., I said his way of doing finances and someone here said you really don't know) so ... I'll leave it open.

The last thing that came up that I've been observing is something a few people mentioned in lovebunny 's thread about feeling like they were the "dark one" and that this trait made them feel vulnerable to rejection. This is definitely "in the room" so to speak with man-in-question. I have been wounded by people like this before and I have finally made comfortable space for my own "dark side" and I'm not about to exile it again. I have some friends who remind me of man-in-question - they are kind of out enjoying life always going, doing stuff, meeting people -- not very discerning about who they are friends with, just like open to everyone and "enjoy life" etc... and I once shared with them that my daughter is on the spectrum - this was at a time when things were exceptionally hard for us. And the wife wrote back "She looks fine to me. Just enjoy your life." I do know that she meant well. But these are the kinds of things that would come from the "enjoy life" types - even a closer friend. She couldn't be there for me when I went through living hell with my ex and daughter and my whole world fell apart. She didn't want me to "focus on it." And to come out and like spend a whole day with her in the midst of this. And "Hey let's go to this festival, you'll feel better." I'm not looking for someone who is dark and brooding. Just someone like I mentioned my friend in the grocery store - who can go there. And be with you and see you and not try to change it. It's a quality I will definitely need in someone and I'm tired of denying myself of that and feeling bad all the time b/c my life isn't perfect and I don't have every weekend to go out and have fun fun fun.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this but the space has helped me really do some searching with all this - not that it brings forward any resolution but some deeper understanding, which is still helpful.

I feel like I have awareness, but not so much the understanding! Like none of it makes much sense! So just navigating as best I can with open eyes.

Something I realized today as I'm around more and more people lately. I was talking to another friend about this -- and she was saying, I wonder if what you're talking about is what it's like to be around people who don't have trauma and aren't dysregulated.

And I think she's right. It's been so nice to be around grounded people who aren't working off survival energy and trauma.

I also realized, I always had a hard time being around people like that b/c a) I felt like I didn't belong b) I felt misunderstood and like even more of a mess c)I felt like they'd reject me.

I think I've largely felt that way around guy-in-question--like there's this great divide between us and he can't understand my world and I can't his. And that feels sad somehow. And I guess unavoidable if I try not to end up with him.

Just another observation in all this.