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Post by pickles on May 8, 2023 21:18:40 GMT
Hello all. My DA ex and I have known each other for more than 5 years. Our first relationship ended right before COVID, in 2019. We broke up because he was being very critical of me, and I tried to talk to him about it, and he said, "I'm going to bed", rolled over, and went to sleep. This was his brand of conflict resolution, 100% of the time- there was no conflict resolution, so I ended it. We interacted through most of covid, mostly texts, and phone calls, and a few instances where we got together, but no sex during this time. In early 2021, I asked him if he wanted to have lunch together to talk, and he just...disappeared, in true DA fashion. A few days went by, and I gave up, and really distanced myself from him, and we stopped talking for about 6 months. In late 2021, he contacted me, & over a period of several months, we established a talking relationship again, and went on a date in March of 2022.
I was very afraid of becoming attached, so I really kept him at arm's length, which is his MO all the time, so it worked for a long time. I never reached out first. We didn't even have sex again until late May of 2022. At that point, we had gotten to the point where we knew each other's schedules, he was giving me personal information of his own accord, we were spending more time together, and talking daily. In July 2022, I went on vacation, and I heard nothing from him the whole time I was gone. When I got home, I finally reached out to him after about 10 days of silence (remember, I had not reached out to him AT ALL the whole time, From fall 2021 until July when I got home from vacation). He said he had been very busy with work.
Through August, he was quiet, and distant. At the end of August, I said to him that I felt uncomfortable with his long silences, and asked him what was going on that he was so distant from me. He told me, "my personality can not deal with your overwhelming neediness", and I was so angry and hurt that I cut off contact with him. I blocked him. In December, I was at work, and received a call, and it was him; he said to me, "why did you block me? I thought you were above that?", and I was just so caught off guard and upset that I can't even remember what I said, but he responded "I just called to see how you're doing, no need to get like that", and hung up on me. I heard from him again in January, at which point I very clearly told him that it was painful for me to hear from him, and that I want to end contact between us, "please respect my wishes". My birthday was last Friday, and he contacted me, "happy birthday, I hope you have a wonderful day". I didn't respond.
I am fearful avoidant, and I have been in therapy since the break up last summer. My therapist is on maternity leave right now, and I am kind of stressed out.
His contact makes me so disappointed. He is so smart, and I have always had so much admiration for him professionally. We have many hobbies in common, and enjoyed them together. I am still grieving him, even though it has been nine months. I feel that his just blatant disregard for my request to be left alone says things about him that I just don't want to believe. I feel that his birthday wishes were delivered under the guise of being a "nice guy", except I told him kindly and calmly to leave me alone. I am a professional, and a graduate student, and the break up last summer just threw me into a really bad depression for months. The break up impacted my educational work, I was unable to sleep for a long time, I tried taking an antidepressant for a while, I tried Xanax as a sleep aid, etc. I am starting to feel better just recently, and I am happy to engage in my regular hobbies again, for the first time in months.
Like I said, I know I am fearful avoidant myself. I struggle with close relationships, but I have cultivated some truly precious friendships with men and women, and I am a mother as well-but when sex gets involved, it is just very hard to keep myself from not bolting. I think that I have done a lot of work on myself to bring myself closer to "secure", but he activates my insecurities so much. He is a workaholic (so am I), and his criticism of my career is what motivated me to get my graduate degree. He has been a catalyst for change in my life-but him being in my life is so detrimental to me at this point.
I don't know what I am looking for from this forum-like I said, my therapist is on maternity leave, and I am looking for a place to get this out from inside me. I DO care about him, but I know we can't be together, and I will not go back to him. I'm not afraid of him, but I do think the contact needs to end in order for me to heal. I am so disappointed in him. I feel hurt that he is not able to respect my wishes.
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to respond. Please be kind.
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Post by cherrycola on May 8, 2023 22:24:21 GMT
First off, I want to commend you for being strong and continuing on your path even when someone who you obviously love is trying to keep that door open. I'm also very sorry that he is doing that and I am glad you can see that as a him problem and not a you problem.
Grief has no timetable and it is going to take as long as it takes. Can you do something nice for yourself? Yoga is good for regulating the nervous system, some long walks, nature? I always found a bone crushing hug from a friend a good way to get grounded.
I could see doing one of two things, or maybe both. Set a firm but not reactive boundary of please stop contacting me for any reason, period. And then block/ignore. You do not owe him any explanation or reason why. He is doing it to get something and by ignoring him, no matter his response you are depriving him of that.
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Post by alexandra on May 8, 2023 22:41:20 GMT
When I was in a situation, though with an FA ex, where he was not respecting my boundaries after he broke up with me... the only thing that worked was convincing him that NC was his idea. I told him the kindest thing he could do for me was go NC (which was true), so he felt more like the good guy rather than abandoned. I also said that although it was difficult and nothing personal, I'd be blocking him since I needed the space that much. I heard through the grapevine that if he ran into my friends, he'd ask about me and try to get info and send messages through them, but to their credit.... they didn't tell me until months or years later! And they'd only told me because I was at a point where I could resume contact with him again and already had. So he did respect not reaching out directly, although he was still trying to get in touch on the fringes, but it was enough that I was oblivious to his outreach. Which was exactly what I needed at the time.
If he reaches out again, you can try that. But otherwise you may just need to gray rock and keep totally ignoring him when he does reach out, since it seems he's finding ways to be in touch to get around the fact you still have him blocked? If I read that wrong, and you unblocked him, you do need to keep him blocked for the foreseeable future.
FWIW, I'm many years out from my FA ex at this point and we're back out of touch. We've just grown apart in values too much over the years. It was my choice and I'm totally okay with it, which was not a place I'd ever thought I'd get to, so eventually you will likely feel better about all this than you do right now.
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Post by pickles on May 9, 2023 0:48:27 GMT
First off, I want to commend you for being strong and continuing on your path even when someone who you obviously love is trying to keep that door open. I'm also very sorry that he is doing that and I am glad you can see that as a him problem and not a you problem. Grief has no timetable and it is going to take as long as it takes. Can you do something nice for yourself? Yoga is good for regulating the nervous system, some long walks, nature? I always found a bone crushing hug from a friend a good way to get grounded. I could see doing one of two things, or maybe both. Set a firm but not reactive boundary of please stop contacting me for any reason, period. And then block/ignore. You do not owe him any explanation or reason why. He is doing it to get something and by ignoring him, no matter his response you are depriving him of that. I think I already set a firm and non-reactive boundary in January. I was quite clear and calm. I agree he is looking for a reaction, and I think being silent and non-reactive is the only way it will stop. I am working hard on my fitness, and using it as an outlet for stress. Thanks for your response. |
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Post by introvert on May 9, 2023 15:08:16 GMT
First off, I want to commend you for being strong and continuing on your path even when someone who you obviously love is trying to keep that door open. I'm also very sorry that he is doing that and I am glad you can see that as a him problem and not a you problem. Grief has no timetable and it is going to take as long as it takes. Can you do something nice for yourself? Yoga is good for regulating the nervous system, some long walks, nature? I always found a bone crushing hug from a friend a good way to get grounded. I could see doing one of two things, or maybe both. Set a firm but not reactive boundary of please stop contacting me for any reason, period. And then block/ignore. You do not owe him any explanation or reason why. He is doing it to get something and by ignoring him, no matter his response you are depriving him of that. I think I already set a firm and non-reactive boundary in January. I was quite clear and calm. I agree he is looking for a reaction, and I think being silent and non-reactive is the only way it will stop. I am working hard on my fitness, and using it as an outlet for stress. Thanks for your response. I've experienced thus, where a guy casually pops into my life after we have broken up in spite of my clear boundary. It's important to understand that you aren't responsible for or in control of his disrespectful behavior, meaning even if you don't provide a response he may continue. Boundaries don't work with people who don't respect boundaries, and blocking is the only way I see to cut them off. To give little or no response *might* work for a time, or might not, and you could end up being negatively impacted in the future if you take a "If I do this, surely he will do that" approach. Closing all the doors and avenues he may use to reach you seems the best way to eliminate his influence. That way, no matter what he tries you remain untouched by it and can focus on your own healing. |
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Post by pickles on May 9, 2023 17:39:24 GMT
I have him blocked. He called my work the first two times, & emailed me from his work email for my birthday.
When we broke up the first time, I tried to cut off contact completely, & he actually showed up at my place of work because I wouldn’t answer his calls. He said to me, “ it was very hard for me to make this decision to come to your work, but you won’t talk to me”. I asked him to leave, but obviously we ended up continuing to interact after that.
So he does have a history of this behavior. Is this something that is normal for DA’s?
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Post by alexandra on May 9, 2023 17:44:45 GMT
pickles, nope. DA are usually straightforward in their intentions once they've decided things are over. They don't keep coming back and steamrolling boundaries like that. In my experience, DAs who were done never spoke to me again at all. They were least likely to try to stay in touch or be friends or have any relationship after the breakup. They may have ghosted to end it, they may have told me outright it was over, but either way they stuck with it. Him being DA or not isn't the core of the issue, though. Him having no boundaries and not respecting yours is. So all there is to focus on is how you keep moving forward and not letting him get to you no matter what he's doing (assuming he's not becoming dangerous in harassing you, which would be a different issue to deal with).
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Post by introvert on May 9, 2023 17:58:50 GMT
I have him blocked. He called my work the first two times, & emailed me from his work email for my birthday. When we broke up the first time, I tried to cut off contact completely, & he actually showed up at my place of work because I wouldn’t answer his calls. He said to me, “ it was very hard for me to make this decision to come to your work, but you won’t talk to me”. I asked him to leave, but obviously we ended up continuing to interact after that. So he does have a history of this behavior. Is this something that is normal for DA’s? Yeah, I agree with alexandra, that's not DA behavior. That's actually approaching stalking, which is another issue entirely. |
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Post by iz42 on May 9, 2023 20:11:32 GMT
My partner is DA and he has never spoken to any of his exes post-breakup. He was even married and he has had no contact with his ex wife since they got divorced. He doesn't even know where she lives. That seems like the more standard response for DAs.
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Post by introvert on May 9, 2023 20:54:08 GMT
My partner is DA and he has never spoken to any of his exes post-breakup. He was even married and he has had no contact with his ex wife since they got divorced. He doesn't even know where she lives. That seems like the more standard response for DAs. My experience as avoidant is that it's a slow burn to be done with a relationship but once it's done it's done. I've been involved back and forth a little with an ex in the past but neither of us was truly done, there were complicating factors for both of us. But DA's tend to have rigid, not loose boundaries both in approaching and in being approached, and its hard to see crossing the lines like that. It could happen but not as a dismissive tactic. Dismissive means once you're gone your importance will be minimized,not exaggerated, and moving on will be the focus,not turning back. He may have been triggered anxious and gotten into some protest behavior but even that seems a little off, with the nature of the contact. It seems mighty entitled and controlling, to me. |
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Post by mrob on May 10, 2023 0:49:59 GMT
Cycling is more FA behaviour. Too close, too far, where that point is, nobody knows. As said above, my experience is that when DAs are done, they’re done and it’s devastatingly clear.
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Post by pickles on May 17, 2023 11:08:51 GMT
I have been thinking on this topic. I KNOW it doesn't matter if he is just a narcissistic jerk, or if he is DA. I know that our relationship is not sustainable. Over the years, I have done things to him that he could certainly complain about on a forum like this, and people would diagnose me too. I leave without a word when I am hurt, without discussion and I will not return (or after 6 months of attempts of contact, I might respond). In the past, he has said to me, "how do I know when you will kick me to the curb again? Because that's what you do.". This time was no exception, I left without a word. It was during our interaction in January where I apologized for leaving without explanation, said I was wrong, and ended that apology by saying I do not want any more contact, and asked him to respect my wishes. I was really proud of myself for doing that- I feel totally overwhelmed by my emotions towards him, and I simply can not stay when I feel upset about him. So that was very difficult for me. I had planned it- I expected him to reach out again, eventually, and knew I wanted to say those things to relieve my own guilt about just ghosting him. (the term "reach out" reminded me of another thing he always said to me, "you leave and won't come back, and you make me reach out to you every time, and that is hard for me too". I remember him saying that, or some version of that, to me several times over the course of the time I have known him). He told me that I try to twist his arm, and he isn't going to let me do that (I would give him ultimatums). I know this is me, grasping for control, and him, absolutely declining to be controlled.
I never felt secure in our relationship. He was so secretive, but never a liar. If he didn't want to answer my question, or partake in a conversation, he would just stay silent. It drove me crazy, it made me feel peripheral.
He was incredibly critical of me. I believe my self esteem has been very damaged by my interactions with him. His behavior was totally illogical- he would drive 70 miles to see me, he was clearly excited to see me, he would compliment me, and would be relaxed and happy, we would spend time together enjoying a common activity, and he would pick at me during the end of the date. One night we were kayaking, and took my car because I have racks to carry the kayaks, and on the way home he said, "when are you going to replace this piece of junk", with so much disdain, out of no where. Or he would pick my bra up and say, "you probably couldn't even use this as a carry on, you would have to check this if it were luggage", making fun of my boobs, which, incidentally, he actually LOVED. He would just endlessly tease me in ways that exploited my insecurities, and I would pretend like I wasn't hurt, until I was so upset that I would burst. He constantly told me that I am "too sensitive". Trying to rebuilt my self-esteem this time has been incredibly difficult for me. He is gorgeous- tall, fit, always well groomed, and impeccably dressed, but if I would ever compliment him, he would act as if I was being dishonest. "yeah right" was his standard response. He also constantly made comments that indicated he thought I was involved with other people- and not without cause. I haven't always been honest with him, I felt emotionally abandoned a lot of the time, so I would spend time with another man. Nothing every happened, we were friends (and still are), but I didn't tell him the truth about who I was with, or even where I was, on occasion. Last year, my ex said to me, "you haven't always been honest with me. And it wasn't just once", and I can't remember the context, but it let me know that he knows, even though he never accused.
I have withdrawn from life so much since this last break-up. I have a lot of demands in my life, and I have not dealt well with the upheaval off the break-up, on top of the everyday stresses of life. I am just now beginning to start enjoying my hobbies again (cycling, kayaking, hiking...although I dread running into him, he knows all my favorite places), and I know that this is a good sign. I don't know why I am writing this all out- I suppose it's just a stream of consciousness. My friends just hate him, at this point, and dismiss him as a sociopath & a narcissist. I feel so uncomfortable with those words, I don't think it's true, and I don't like to even mention his name to them- it feels like forbidden territory. Thanks for reading.
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Post by alexandra on May 17, 2023 16:00:56 GMT
It may help you to research what the common FA-FA relationship pairing dynamic looks like. It sounds to me from your description that it may be what was going on, and you both cycle back and forth over time and in response to the other person. This is all a very typical pattern, and you are not alone in finding yourself in that dynamic. If he does have sociopathic tendencies on top of that, it's a recipe for abuse. FAs tend to be the most likely insecure attachment style to get into abusive situations, because they are more primed to accept them from various dysfunction being normalized during childhood.
I hope you are able to stay in no contact and forgive yourself. Resuming therapy when your therapist is back to work will only help you, and it sounds like you're taking good steps to try to start the healing process and introspect (both from this relationship and from your attachment wounding to begin with).
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