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FA help
May 10, 2023 13:08:21 GMT
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Post by buzzle on May 10, 2023 13:08:21 GMT
Good afternoon all,
I will try and keep this as short as possible.
After having an amazing 4 year relationship in which we were engaged and both acting completely happily and satisfied my partner blindsided me in January with a collection of reasons that made little sense to me at the time.
Things like : she didn’t know how to act in a relationship, she felt she couldn’t communicate with me as I was too sensitive, ( I have very thick skin and am considered very open and a good communicator by everyone else I know), she did at some point say it was her but she didn’t know why, that she was bored and that I made her feel weak and vulnerable. I realise that caring is a dangerous thing now!
She has had and still has a lot of trauma in her life. Growing up, the breakdown of her marriage was very traumatic and also challenges with children.
Two days before this occurring we were happy snuggled up together with her telling me how much she loved me and asking me to never leave her.
It is only since been hurt so badly with no recompense to an answer that I started studying and found out about attachment theory. The things you get to fifty without knowing🤦♂️.
In my mind the only answer from how she acted and the things she said were a complete deactivation but she has never done anything like this before in the previous 4 years. Which leads me to believe her anxious side reigns supreme.
I have only seen her once since when I went to collect some things from her house and she was hanging on to me crying her eyes out and then having a panic attack. It was like she didn’t want to let me go, almost as if I was leaving her. It was the strangest experience.
I would say that I am mostly secure with a little anxiety and obviously at the point of the blindside the anxious fight to get back side won out which I now realise will have pushed the deactivation even harder and caused more damage.
I was consequently blocked on social media/messenger etc although text was left open but I didn’t make any more effort at that stage as I knew it was futile.
I still keep in touch with the kids who were upset that this had happened. One of her children told me that mum had never been so happy and they just could not make sense of it. I certainly could not.
I started counselling to work on my terrible state of mind and anxieties soon afterwards and did a lot of studying on attachment styles but there seems to be many conflicting views.
Then two weeks ago on my 50th birthday she messaged me to wish me happy birthday. I pointed out that it would have been better had it been as planned, (she was buying tickets for us to go away two days before the break up). She was very much talking about future plans in the two weeks leading to the blindside to be fair!
Anyway, she asked me if I was doing anything nice for my birthday to which I replied counselling, which was true. She then proceeded to tell me what was going on with her life and family. I let her send the last message rather than keep pushing.
I then noticed about a week later that I had been unblocked everywhere and that her Facebook still has links to all the things we did together still intact although pics of me were removed. She had unfriended when blocking so I can only see things that link to me.
I thought it strange to be unblocked and my family members are still blocked.
I then messaged her to see if it was ok to collect my remaining things from her house and she responded saying that her and one of the children had covid and another time would be better as I would be unable to go in the house. We then chatted a bit with her writing quite long messages.
My predicament is do I have a window of opportunity when I go to collect my things? What are the chances of her now having remembered the wonderful 4 years as opposed to the bad few days? Or could it be that the whole thing was a lie and she was never as happy as she appeared? I kind of feel I have one opportunity to get this right but am not quite sure how to approach it?
Any opinions or questions would be truly welcome!!
I am sure there is a lot more info but already feel like I am rambling.
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Post by tnr9 on May 10, 2023 14:09:00 GMT
Good afternoon all, I will try and keep this as short as possible. After having an amazing 4 year relationship in which we were engaged and both acting completely happily and satisfied my partner blindsided me in January with a collection of reasons that made little sense to me at the time. Things like : she didn’t know how to act in a relationship, she felt she couldn’t communicate with me as I was too sensitive, ( I have very thick skin and am considered very open and a good communicator by everyone else I know), she did at some point say it was her but she didn’t know why, that she was bored and that I made her feel weak and vulnerable. I realise that caring is a dangerous thing now! She has had and still has a lot of trauma in her life. Growing up, the breakdown of her marriage was very traumatic and also challenges with children. Two days before this occurring we were happy snuggled up together with her telling me how much she loved me and asking me to never leave her. It is only since been hurt so badly with no recompense to an answer that I started studying and found out about attachment theory. The things you get to fifty without knowing🤦♂️. In my mind the only answer from how she acted and the things she said were a complete deactivation but she has never done anything like this before in the previous 4 years. Which leads me to believe her anxious side reigns supreme. I have only seen her once since when I went to collect some things from her house and she was hanging on to me crying her eyes out and then having a panic attack. It was like she didn’t want to let me go, almost as if I was leaving her. It was the strangest experience. I would say that I am mostly secure with a little anxiety and obviously at the point of the blindside the anxious fight to get back side won out which I now realise will have pushed the deactivation even harder and caused more damage. I was consequently blocked on social media/messenger etc although text was left open but I didn’t make any more effort at that stage as I knew it was futile. I still keep in touch with the kids who were upset that this had happened. One of her children told me that mum had never been so happy and they just could not make sense of it. I certainly could not. I started counselling to work on my terrible state of mind and anxieties soon afterwards and did a lot of studying on attachment styles but there seems to be many conflicting views. Then two weeks ago on my 50th birthday she messaged me to wish me happy birthday. I pointed out that it would have been better had it been as planned, (she was buying tickets for us to go away two days before the break up). She was very much talking about future plans in the two weeks leading to the blindside to be fair! Anyway, she asked me if I was doing anything nice for my birthday to which I replied counselling, which was true. She then proceeded to tell me what was going on with her life and family. I let her send the last message rather than keep pushing. I then noticed about a week later that I had been unblocked everywhere and that her Facebook still has links to all the things we did together still intact although pics of me were removed. She had unfriended when blocking so I can only see things that link to me. I thought it strange to be unblocked and my family members are still blocked. I then messaged her to see if it was ok to collect my remaining things from her house and she responded saying that her and one of the children had covid and another time would be better as I would be unable to go in the house. We then chatted a bit with her writing quite long messages. My predicament is do I have a window of opportunity when I go to collect my things? What are the chances of her now having remembered the wonderful 4 years as opposed to the bad few days? Or could it be that the whole thing was a lie and she was never as happy as she appeared? I kind of feel I have one opportunity to get this right but am not quite sure how to approach it? Any opinions or questions would be truly welcome!! I am sure there is a lot more info but already feel like I am rambling. Honestly….why would you want to get back together with someone who lacked the respect to involve you in the decision regarding breaking and then blocked you? I know you have indicated you are mostly secure, but a secure person would not consider getting back together with someone who has treated him that way. It honestly sounds like you still have AP triggers with regards to her. The best advice is to collect your things when you have a chance and then move on with your life and find someone with a secure attachment or someone who is actively working on addressing any insecure attachment she might have. |
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FA help
May 10, 2023 14:31:49 GMT
via mobile
Post by buzzle on May 10, 2023 14:31:49 GMT
tnr9, thanks for your response. I admitted I had a share of ap but am working on that. Perhaps she is now acknowledging her issue and working on herself.
If it was a common issue then I would run for the hills but having 4 years of zero issues and then just 1 issue, granted a big one, makes me want to at least attempt to sort it out.
I was hoping for a little insight on how to approach and about her actions and whether that is a rare action, once in four years. It’s to easy to go through life just giving up and moving on. She may be regretful now!
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Post by tnr9 on May 10, 2023 14:48:29 GMT
tnr9, thanks for your response. I admitted I had a share of ap but am working on that. Perhaps she is now acknowledging her issue and working on herself. If it was a common issue then I would run for the hills but having 4 years of zero issues and then just 1 issue, granted a big one, makes me want to at least attempt to sort it out. I was hoping for a little insight on how to approach and about her actions and whether that is a rare action, once in four years. It’s to easy to go through life just giving up and moving on. She may be regretful now! I would honestly suggest you discuss this with your therapist. The fact is…you don’t know anything other than she reached out and unblocked you. I have found that if someone feels regret and honestly wants a second chance, he or she will be upfront about it and not coy. If she truly has FA attachment wounding….she may want a second opportunity…but if she hasn’t addressed what caused her to react the way she did….then there will likely be a repeat down the road. Some FAs will “cycle”…meaning…they go back into an attraction mode but then, after a while…distance again. It would be a good idea to have a conversation in person and really understand what she wants out of reconnecting. Is she interested in friendship? In possibly getting together? It is best to hear this from her. There really isn’t anything you can do to sway the outcome…just have that conversation so you both know where you stand. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 10, 2023 16:03:58 GMT
If it was a common issue then I would run for the hills but having 4 years of zero issues and then just 1 issue, granted a big one, makes me want to at least attempt to sort it out. This stands out to me. A relationship with no "issues" can mean that one or both people are burying their actual feelings and needs. A healthy relationship has conflict. It's what you do with that conflict that matters. I was that person btw. Five years into a "great" relationship and I blindsided him and left. Came back only to repeat two more cycles. I finally cut it off for good and got myself into counselling and even years later I am still working on my issues. It's great that your focusing on counseling and yourself and I encourage you to keep down that road. As it's been mentioned if she is open to something she'll let you know. |
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FA help
May 10, 2023 16:16:08 GMT
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Post by buzzle on May 10, 2023 16:16:08 GMT
Thanks usernametaken,
When I say zero issues though I mean avoidant/deactivation issues. Of course we had normal debates and conflicts.
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FA help
May 10, 2023 17:46:59 GMT
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tnr9 likes this
Post by alexandra on May 10, 2023 17:46:59 GMT
I kind of feel I have one opportunity to get this right but am not quite sure how to approach it? I can understand why you feel this way right now and are telling yourself this, but it's an overly one-sided approach to believe that it's all up to you to repair the relationship she broke for her own reasons, which sound like they have very little to do with you, and that you have one chance. If that were really true, that you only have one chance to "get it right" and "find the perfect formula" after 4 years, that there's no give and take from her putting in equal effort and she was willing to blindside you and run off at the first sign of issues (the first sign she communicated with you, anyway), then there is no strong relationship foundation here. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it sounds like she has a lifetime of trauma she hasn't dealt with and that's the issue, not what you were doing. It's possible there were always issues there that you were overlooking because you wanted things to work, but that doesn't change anything either because this is still about her past before she met you and subsequent complete lack of communication with you about her feelings and capacity for stable relationships. It makes perfect sense that her blindsiding you kicked up your anxiety to 100, I've been there and experienced that as well. It took a long time, focusing on myself, digging into my own AP in those cases, to realize and accept that things fell apart because the other person was spinning in circles themselves for reasons that had nothing to do with me and that I therefore couldn't fix or change. In my case, on some level, it was also related to my instinct always knew they were slightly emotionally unavailable and not 100% in, if I was totally honest with myself, but things seemed 90-95% great so I wanted it to work. But choosing that situation (in my case, repeatedly, plus those 5-10% incompatible parts were real doozies including the most important aspects to lifelong commitment) reflected back unavailability on my side. I needed to focus on that and work through it to move on to accept what happened, accept that I could cycle back with some of these exes but that meant kicking the can down the road so the dynamic would repeat over and over (nothing would go back to "before," this WAS the dynamic once those blindside breakups were established), and it wasn't going to lead back to a point of mutual happiness. So I needed to focus on me instead of them. In my opinion, long relationships breaking down should get effort, of course, while you're still in them. Once someone breaks up like this, with little communication or notice, they're showing you any effort is only on your side. But relationships are two way streets. She doesn't want to do the work, probably out of fear but you cannot address that for her. She has to want to or be ready, and her choosing not to deal with it with you and just totally break up instead shows how she wanted to deal with it and her "readiness" being non-existent. There can be no trust right now when there's no honesty or real vulnerability on her side, and again, that's not necessarily your fault and may be her own issues playing out. She might be avoiding issues and lying to herself. But the outcome is the same. I'm sorry, it's really hard. In situations like that, it sometimes took weeks and weeks to get my things back. But don't use that as an excuse or opportunity to reconnect with her, it's just to get your things back and that's all. The best thing you can do for both of you right now is give her the break she wants, take time to heal, and talk to your therapist. If she ever wants to truly get herself help so she can show up consistently over the years for her relationships, she will utilize her pain and fears to motivate herself to get help. If she makes progress there, which takes months and years, she will come back and let you know, as tnr9 said. It's really hard, and I'm sorry it happened. But give yourself some time and space to heal. She knows how you feel already, you did what you can over 4 years and then trying to talk her through it at the end. Now focus on you and your counseling. |
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Post by mrob on May 10, 2023 18:20:57 GMT
I’m sorry this is going on for you. It’s little comfort at this time, but she could have been like me and let it go, get counselling wondering what the hell was going on inside of me, keep going, house, marriage, more counselling, child, then affair.
The advice you’ve been offered here is from a wealth of experience. The FA pattern is to deactivate at an escalation of a relationship. What was going on? How was it getting more real? Was there more integration coming? If you want to reconcile, be aware that the pattern is that once there has been a deactivation, there will be another. Their frequency will become more regular. By that time, you’ll be an anxious wreck exhibiting full blown AP behaviour. After reading this, if you decide to try, observe yourself closely. I suggest you read Jeb’s “Bad Boyfriends Book” as well.
Best of luck.
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Post by cherrycola on May 10, 2023 19:31:33 GMT
I would say, it isn't always a relationship milestone that caused me to self destruct. Lack of drama and peace was actually just as uncomfortable for me and lead to me causing drama. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who will self destruct it because things are going too well.
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FA help
May 10, 2023 20:29:42 GMT
via mobile
Post by buzzle on May 10, 2023 20:29:42 GMT
tnr9, thanks for your response. I admitted I had a share of ap but am working on that. Perhaps she is now acknowledging her issue and working on herself. If it was a common issue then I would run for the hills but having 4 years of zero issues and then just 1 issue, granted a big one, makes me want to at least attempt to sort it out. I was hoping for a little insight on how to approach and about her actions and whether that is a rare action, once in four years. It’s to easy to go through life just giving up and moving on. She may be regretful now! I would honestly suggest you discuss this with your therapist. The fact is…you don’t know anything other than she reached out and unblocked you. I have found that if someone feels regret and honestly wants a second chance, he or she will be upfront about it and not coy. If she truly has FA attachment wounding….she may want a second opportunity…but if she hasn’t addressed what caused her to react the way she did….then there will likely be a repeat down the road. Some FAs will “cycle”…meaning…they go back into an attraction mode but then, after a while…distance again. It would be a good idea to have a conversation in person and really understand what she wants out of reconnecting. Is she interested in friendship? In possibly getting together? It is best to hear this from her. There really isn’t anything you can do to sway the outcome…just have that conversation so you both know where you stand. |
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FA help
May 10, 2023 20:33:51 GMT
via mobile
Post by buzzle on May 10, 2023 20:33:51 GMT
Tnr9,
Sorry haven’t got the quote and comment worked out on here. A question though, I know there is a lot of experience here which is why I registered but a lot of what I have read does say that an FA is unlikely to make any direct moves to return due to feeling shame for the hurt they have caused and also a fear that they would be rejected due to their actions. Is this an incorrect assumption?
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Post by tnr9 on May 10, 2023 20:57:33 GMT
Tnr9, Sorry haven’t got the quote and comment worked out on here. A question though, I know there is a lot of experience here which is why I registered but a lot of what I have read does say that an FA is unlikely to make any direct moves to return due to feeling shame for the hurt they have caused and also a fear that they would be rejected due to their actions. Is this an incorrect assumption? If she has not done any work on herself during the time she blocked you…then that is likely the case…however…that also means she hasn’t addressed any of the issues that led to her breaking up with you….and a relationship doesn’t become healthy if only 1 person is doing the work. We have seen that here time and time again….one person cannot change the internal dynamics of another person. So I still hold that you are honest with her….because finding out if she has done anything will save you a LOT of heartache down the road. |
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FA help
May 10, 2023 21:51:05 GMT
via mobile
Post by alexandra on May 10, 2023 21:51:05 GMT
Tnr9, Sorry haven’t got the quote and comment worked out on here. A question though, I know there is a lot of experience here which is why I registered but a lot of what I have read does say that an FA is unlikely to make any direct moves to return due to feeling shame for the hurt they have caused and also a fear that they would be rejected due to their actions. Is this an incorrect assumption? Yes, but, this, in a nutshell, is also why these dynamics cycle and recycle over and over. Someone may have strong feelings and care so they want to reconnect, but nothing that caused the behavior in the first place has actually changed. So the situation just repeats: if an FA (or any insecure, it's not limited to FA) hasn't done the healing work and emotional maturation to clearly come back and make their intentions to work out the relationship known -- which includes being able to discuss the changes they made to get to that point and why it's different now -- then you will keep reconnecting and falling apart again, as mrob and usernametaken said. Because shifting feelings for another person on their own aren't enough to overcome trauma responses and the patterns that are part of insecure attachment. An FA who can't make direct moves even if they feel they want to isn't ready for a healthier relationship, so nothing will change. Whether the break up happened due to fear, or due to discomfort with nothing going wrong and self-sabotage, or even due to believing deep down there's incompatibility and it's not fully the right relationship even if they can't communicate and voice it... none of those things change just because someone re-approaches or has some regrets. Without change, usually on both sides of the relationship (you and her, not just one or the other), you get the same combination of factors going in that just recreate the problems again over and over. The FA not being able to be direct about reconciling and intentions gives you a lot of information about whether or not they're ready to show up as committed partners or not. And if they say they are but their actions aren't consistent with it, that is the rest of the information you need to know if you can take them seriously or not. Inconsistency means they're not able to do it yet. |
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FA help
May 11, 2023 1:55:55 GMT
via mobile
Post by mrob on May 11, 2023 1:55:55 GMT
I would say, it isn't always a relationship milestone that caused me to self destruct. Lack of drama and peace was actually just as uncomfortable for me and lead to me causing drama. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who will self destruct it because things are going too well. I can relate to that too. It’s going so well, when is she going to want something else? To move in, to get married etc. |
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Post by mrob on May 11, 2023 3:28:28 GMT
Tnr9, Sorry haven’t got the quote and comment worked out on here. A question though, I know there is a lot of experience here which is why I registered but a lot of what I have read does say that an FA is unlikely to make any direct moves to return due to feeling shame for the hurt they have caused and also a fear that they would be rejected due to their actions. Is this an incorrect assumption? Until the distance is too much, then cycle back towards you. Too close, too far. |
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