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Post by lovebunny on Jun 1, 2023 12:35:01 GMT
Why do you feel the need to keep engaging with him? What do you think you're going to get out of continuing to talk to him?
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Post by mrob on Jun 1, 2023 15:08:51 GMT
Let’s see how you feel in a few weeks time when the distance gets bigger. Then you’ll be able to see where you sit, rather than it being focussed on him.
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Post by keepmeinmind on Jun 1, 2023 15:39:25 GMT
Why do you feel the need to keep engaging with him? What do you think you're going to get out of continuing to talk to him? The situation makes no sense to me. I'm looking for an explanation, and it could've been solved easily. I'd sleep better knowing we just broke up, and now I feel like I'm his enemy. |
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Post by keepmeinmind on Jun 1, 2023 15:54:04 GMT
Let’s see how you feel in a few weeks time when the distance gets bigger. Then you’ll be able to see where you sit, rather than it being focussed on him. I'll be far away 😉 I feel sorry, cause it was quantity time, but on the other hand he behaved disrespectfully, mean and cold. We could be easily just friends. Wierd finish. Weird behaviour. Quality* |
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 1, 2023 16:28:00 GMT
"We could be easily just friends. Wierd finish. Weird behaviour."
It's highly likely if you were "friends" there would be just more weird behavior. And if he didn't treat you well, why do you want to be friends? Seems to me he showed you who he is.
You don't have to be his enemy. You can just be nothing to each other. Do you run into him often or share a friend group or anything?
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Post by alexandra on Jun 1, 2023 17:54:17 GMT
You should look up the "anxious/avoidant trap" in relationships. The dynamic may sound familiar to you. When communication and harmony is this difficult, usually the two people have conflicting and incompatible needs. Unfortunately, not every ending can be on good terms, and they don't need to be. I have exes I'm friends with many years later, and far more people I dated that we barely or never spoke again after. Not even necessarily due to bad feelings, we just were never friends to begin with.
It's important to accept where you're at, which is incompatible, and give yourself space to process and move on. Yeah, it sucks, but I agree with the other posters that if it was actually easy to resolve and stay friends, it would have happened that way. It's okay for things to not work out, and to even have some regrets about your behavior when things were challenging. But you process through your own emotions, no matter what he's doing, and you learn from it and learn what kind of person will better meet your needs and vice-versa. It's all part of normal dating experiences. But the anxious-avoidant trap dynamic is one of the most toxic, so it will help you feel better over time to stop trying to reengage or figure him out.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 1, 2023 18:40:05 GMT
Avoidant people can push others to respond and feel anxiously. Anxious people can push others to respond avoidantly. Even if they are usually secure. It's good to introspect and figure out why you stayed invested in someone who made you feel uneasy on and off from the beginning. There's usually a reason for that instead of listening to your gut and walking away, and it may be related to some attachment work on your side that you weren't even aware of before this experience. But try to depersonalize what happened and don't tell yourself such a negative story about what happened. Yes, he could have treated you more respectfully, but it doesn't mean he was trying to use or betray you. He has issues that have nothing to do with you, so wish him well enough in your mind (or at least make him out of sight of mind), and heal and eventually move on to something better. Letting him live rent-free in your head doesn't help you because he's not going to give you any closure. People who end things that way simply can't, and you need to find your own way to move forward and feel okay about it. One of the ways to do that is examine your fear of disrespect. It feels terrible when people don't treat you properly, but that's their problem. Don't abandon yourself over someone else's disrespect, keep respecting yourself because they don't define you. It's nothing to fear, just something to walk away from.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 1, 2023 20:09:38 GMT
No. You did what you did, it didn't change anything, and now you know he wasn't interested in leaving things on better terms. It doesn't matter at this point what he thinks of you. All that matters is what you think of you and that you respect his boundary, which means not reaching out again.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 1, 2023 20:18:04 GMT
Adding to my comment. You could choose words better in the future, you should not diagnose or tell other people you're romantically involved with what they feel. But that's not why things fell apart in the first place, and sometimes people need more life experience to figure out how to handle fights and breakups more gracefully. Use this as a learning experience not to tell a partner what to do or what they think or feel, and not to lash out, even if you feel upset and triggered by what they've said or done. You can look up better conflict-resolution and communication skills when you've recovered from this and are ready, as that can all be learned, but it won't matter or change anything in this case. There were lots of underlying problems over the last year and especially the last two months that were beyond the last couple things you said, so the outcome is not all on you. An idiom we use on the board is, "it takes two to tango." Both of you participated in the dynamic.
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