Post by mysteryuser on Jun 4, 2023 0:04:21 GMT
I'm a 23F, about 3 months out of a year long relationship. I also recently relocated to a city full of young people. My work hours are intense and will keep me busy and my priority right now is to make good friends first. I do feel like I'm "over" my ex - not in the sense that I'm fully healed from the effects of the break up, definitely not in the sense that I'm securely attached now, but I'm getting there. That said, I do not want to be with my ex, even if he were to ask me, *not* out of spite or hurt, but simply due to us not being compatible anymore and our values not aligning. I want a partner who is working on becoming secure/is secure, isn't conflict-avoidant, has a growth mindset, and has shown the ability to nurture long-lasting and close relationships with people in his life. My ex did not have those traits, and he was not the one for me.
I am interested in seeing other people, but I also know part of this is my anxious attachment wanting to find a different primary attachment figure and creating a false sense of urgency. I am okay with waiting (though this ebbs and flows, I have never felt more okay with waiting), because I genuinely want my next partner to be someone I feel secure with, and someone I can build something with. All of this said, I do occasionally feel like getting on an app and "seeing what's out there". Not jumping into a relationship, but to talk to people out of curiosity. I'm sure this is natural, but how do I separate my anxious attachment from this curiosity? How do I know I'm dating for the "right" reasons? I will hold off on doing anything right now because I want to speak to a therapist before I do (I relocated so had to stop seeing mine), but how have you dealt with this feeling in the past?
For reference, this was my first relationship, so I'm clueless.