Having a set-back

Hi Kristy,

I can totally relate to what you're going through right now and I've been there many, many times before.  Regarding the quote above, I too have found that when the FA did not hear from me in the expected amount of time, he'd start getting nervous about me moving on and reaching out with an ever increasing sense of urgency until I responded, and then once I responded, worked his way back into my heart before repeating the cycle all over again.

I think the big difference between FA and DA is that FA seems to come back because as much as they hate intimacy, they equally hate the idea of being abandoned.  So I think many of us have established this pattern where when we cut contact, we deep down expect to hear from them in some fashion or another and it makes moving on a little more difficult.  In many ways it is like quitting a drug and I think it should be treated as such. Falling "off the wagon", so to speak, feels equally as bad as starting from square one, I empathize with you 100%.

A couple things that may help you in moving forward this time and in the future:

- If possible, can you cut ties with mutual friends? Even though they may have your best interests at heart, that still leaves lines for indirect communication open.

- Drunk texts - I am sooooo guilty of this, it's not even funny. It got to the point that I just stopped drinking, period. Sitting at home, drinking wine, feeling nostalgic and lonely was always a recipe for disaster and at some point I was unable to talk myself out of picking up the phone, no matter what.  Can you make a deal with yourself to not drink for, say, 30 days?  It was amazingly helpful for me. You don't have to have a drinking problem or be an alcoholic to experience the benefits of abstinence.  I noticed I was able to think more rationally when I felt upset or impulsive, I slept better, and overall just seemed to be able to move on more quickly when there weren't opportunities to drown out sadness with alcohol, which just delays or reverses the healing process.  And I totally get the feeling where you slip up with one text - then feel the need to "correct" it with another text... then get angry and send another one out, then try to "correct" that text. All while he stays silent!  In the end you just end up feeling even worse.

Sometimes it's hard to let go of what we know is no good because we feel as though we've been rejected and it's an uncomfortable place to end things. In this case, he ended the relationship on his terms and you had no choice in the matter.  This may be an unpopular opinion but sometimes these things take a bit of back and forth before we finally realize we're done for good. Just as FA/DA need to hit a rock bottom before they decide to seek help (if they ever do), I think some of us may need to hit a point before we're just not interested in the BS anymore, and at that point we will naturally draw our own line in the sand. At that point we're the ones rejecting their behavior and embracing ourselves. And at that point it becomes much easier and more natural to move on because you're doing it because you truly want to, not because you feel forced to.  Sometimes we go back and start up contact knowing damn well we're wasting our time. And in retrospect, that was okay for me. I spent months of extra time in my situation but once I hit rock bottom, I drew the line in the sand, I closed the door, and I won't look back.

With that said, you need to be forgiving of yourself when you reach out to him and even if you cave and start up another round of communication with him.  It's okay! You will eventually have had enough of him.  You WILL reach that point where the merry-go-round is finally old news and you're just not interested in it anymore. It's okay if that day isn't today. Sometimes it's a bit of a process.

Kristyrose -

I echo everyone’s sentiment that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. There is no ‘right’ way to do this. There is no use in being ashamed or thinking you’re weak or any of that. Youbare human and you’re reacting like a human. That’s allowed.

I have wanted to contact my ex since I ended things. The urge gets less. My therapist said that the longer you date someone the longer it takes to get over them and stop thinking of them and the first few weeks are the worst. It’s like a raging fire but over time it becomes embers and then nothing.

Stay busy. Reach out to friends. Talk about your feelings.

One thing I found that helped me was to write letters to my ex. Not to send! But just to get all the things I wanted to say to him out. As I did that - the urge to contact him lessened.

I also read a lot. Lots of self improvement books to understand me and that shifted the focus away from him. Because that need to understand ‘why’ is basically us still ‘chasing’ them., still spending so much time and headspace trying to understand them.

I’m reaching the point where the why doesn’t matter. His actions as incongruent as they are doesn’t matter. At the end of the day - he rejected me and my love and that’s all I need to know. I don’t need to know why. I don’t need to understand his motivations. I don’t need to know if he’s hurting. He didn’t want me and that’s all that mattered. It’s a harsh truth but it’s setting me free.

You will get through this. It doesn’t feel like it sometimes but you will.

Just as a question here....have you had dating experiences with secures before kristyrose? I am asking because this situation had made me realise that I have some FA tendencies, but I have managed to get through my life without really realising that because I was with secure partners who never triggered me so it never came up. While I look back now and see I had some pushing / testing behaviours at the start of new relationships and I was very slow to let my walls down, it definitely never surfaced as an issue because my needs were completely met in those relationships naturally because the other person wanted to meet them. So I mean that if it's possible to focus on the bright side and hope for the future it will less about changing this man so he fits your needs, than just waiting for the person who does meet them? The pressure really isn't on you to do / be / say whatever it is to crack the code here but more to remember that the right person for you isn't going to be someone you need to convince to love you (I keep reminding myself of this too!!!)

If it also helps, I am a totally normal adult and this guy has driven me to the point of needing a therapist. It's just completely depressed me and made me feel awful. I have found myself with very anxious behaviors (checking my phone constantly, feeling devastated when he pulls away) and when I look back at my life of relationships I don't think I have ever actually done those things before. So what I am saying is, something about this particular person triggers all these feelings and behaviors in me which weren't there before.

I'm not attacking or putting him down, I think he's a wonderful person, but his push-pull, come-here-go-away, has been challenging on my emotions and mental state and it's not good for me. I have been cheated on by long term boyfriends, rejected by crushes, heck I even got jilted right before my wedding once and I promise you that although those things hurt and I cried; I didn't feel CRAZY, and that's the difference.

Losing people you love or being rejected or being betrayed are really painful human emotions but you have a pathway to healing. You have the explanations in front of you, you have the ability to think it through (probably talk to the other person and fight it out) and you get clarity and healing from that natural process. You also have a chance to "know" how you feel because the facts are in front of you to judge from and moving on is a linear process.

I have found it much more difficult with an FA. It's very, very hard to move on when just as you're about to the person pretty much begs you to give him a chance and not give up on him. It's very hard to accept a rejection when your gut /heart tell you that the person isn't acting on their true feelings. It's very hard to move on from anything when it keeps going around in circles. By this time, you've been caught up in it so long that your investment is high and it's even more difficult to let hope go.

One thing that helps me is that since he started with his FA behavior, I haven't slept with him and won't do so. We've cuddled and kissed and spent time together and gone on dates but I've always made it clear that if he's not my boyfriend then he's not getting any. The other is that I never contact him. Ever. Those are small things I have done to hold my boundaries even a little and love myself. I am terribly at not responding when he contacts me, but I at least make sure I don't give him any more opportunity to reject me than he already has.

I am really, really struggling to move on right now so this is very far from easy for me. I am hoping for some sort of emotional breakthrough to come soon where I don't feel so sad an empty.

Hi Yasmin,

To answer your question, I have had dating experiences with secures before. I'm divorced actually, I initiated our split because my ex-husband was a bit FA but mostly secure. We were together for over 6 years, but have remained friends. Other men I've had long term relationships with tend to be secure actually. My ex husband is the closest to how my ex FA is, but nowhere near as bad in terms of the push/pull dynamic. In fact, he did not even do that, he just did not express emotion and at times used some distancing strategies.

Your post really resonated with me in so many ways. For one thing, I too can show some FA tendencies, especially in my secure relationships, but my ex triggered my deep AP tendencies to the same extent yours did. I have felt sad ending relationships and of course I have been dumped before, but I have never felt like this; depressed, anxious, panicky, despondent. Everything you have described I now feel because of this relationship.

Your point about how FA's do not have discussions or even allow us to process the end of the relationship makes it so much harder to get closure. You put it so perfectly, I had to re-read that part again and again to remind myself that I am not a crazy person obsesses with my ex. I am a normal person grieving the loss of something that did not seem to end with any good reason other than his fear!

To give you an update, last night I was at a friend's christmas party trying to feel good and have fun, I did for the most part, but on my way home around 1am, I got a text from ex asking if I was out- I said heading home and he asked if I wanted to come over or he come to my place. I told him to come over and he spent the night. He was so different, very tender and loving, I got sucked back in... for now anyway. I was thinking so much about how I thought it was over, how I always think it is, but once again he shows back up, clearly missing me, yet unable to verbalize it. He still doesnt want to have a talk because he knows we will have to end it with me wanting a real relationship and him wanting this.

I really admire the boundaries you set with yours, when I read that I thought, I NEED TO DO THAT- then I go and let him back in. I think you're very strong, and brave and I know how much you are hurting, because even though he is here in my house right now, I still feel so empty.

I saw my ex about a month ago....he had offered to help me with a task. He came over to my place early because he had an interview out this way. We talked and hugged and things got...I am not going to lie about this....I wanted him back and so I went back to old patterns of how we used to interact and what made him happy. I could tell he was conflicted...and at one point he said he did not want to have an emotional involvement....so he drew a line where I was unable. He did stay over but by then I sensed I had messed up...had pushed him away....had lost my only chance. What is so very odd is that he did not take the one thing he had left here from our breakup. He said...we will deal with that another time.

Hi Yasmin,

Where were you about 6 months ago, I could have taken this good advice?! ;-)

Yes, the sex makes this complicated and your right in terms of how woman become more attached emotionally via oxytocin. We do go on dates and activities as well, but it still doesn't make this a real relationship without communication and commitment.

I had a good therapy session this morning, so while I do feel I did backslide, I also know I am a work in progress and that I will continue to focus on understanding myself and my role in this relationship. I too applaud the Avoidant's on this forum- it takes so much courage for them and for us all to look inward and try and understand ourselves.

I'm very grateful to have this forum to turn to as well.