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Post by kristyrose on Dec 18, 2017 22:43:48 GMT
Hi Mary,
I wondered if there was/is a chance I can work with my ex on our issues, meaning, if we were to try and have a real go at it again, it is with the understanding that our attachment issues be built into compromise. For instance, he wants a weekend a month to himself, instead of me getting hurt, I could be fine with it, provided I know we are a couple again. I am working really hard on my AP issues and I am learning how to love my independence. He keeps coming back over and over and hasn't dated anyone else yet, when we are together it is really great and I can see how happy we both are, seems like such a waste to keep playing this game without just addressing the core issues and trying to work with them.
I want to still have this long awaited conversation and I'm starting to also wonder if the time is right now- knowing he could very well just reject me again, and then I would have to make the decision to cut him out entirely to move on.
Not sure how he would react to this though. He was extremely different when I saw him saturday- I have never experienced such loving and passionate behavior from him in the almost 3 years we have been together. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I cannot deny the incredible difference.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 19:38:54 GMT
Hi Mary, I wondered if there was/is a chance I can work with my ex on our issues, meaning, if we were to try and have a real go at it again, it is with the understanding that our attachment issues be built into compromise. For instance, he wants a weekend a month to himself, instead of me getting hurt, I could be fine with it, provided I know we are a couple again. I am working really hard on my AP issues and I am learning how to love my independence. He keeps coming back over and over and hasn't dated anyone else yet, when we are together it is really great and I can see how happy we both are, seems like such a waste to keep playing this game without just addressing the core issues and trying to work with them. I want to still have this long awaited conversation and I'm starting to also wonder if the time is right now- knowing he could very well just reject me again, and then I would have to make the decision to cut him out entirely to move on. Not sure how he would react to this though. He was extremely different when I saw him saturday- I have never experienced such loving and passionate behavior from him in the almost 3 years we have been together. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I cannot deny the incredible difference. What I have learned is that both people have to do something to break the cycle. The "cause" of the cycle has to be figured out, then the compromise. The cause is related to the attachment style, but it's not the real cause. The cause or trigger is different for for everyone. One trigger for me is certain phrases he would say over and over. By the 5th time, I was needing space. He had no idea he was triggering me and so the pull seemed to come out of nowhere. The cause to me wasn't even fully realized until it happened a few times. Another trigger for me was certain months of the year. I traced the months back to my childhood papers and discovered they were months that something traumatic happened as a child. My current partner was a key part of helping me identify the triggers and then we could come up with a plan. It was easier for me with a secure partner to identify triggers since I was the only one being triggered. It helped me realize he was not really the cause of the triggers, it was what was ingrained in me from childhood. I could no longer "blame" someone else. I think with 2 people with insecure styles, it will be harder as you are both being triggered. Harder, but not impossible. You can move on to another relationship, and it will possibly be better, but it could possibly be more of the same. I think the key for me was to see it as triggers and not as "he/she did this, did not do this, said this, made me feel like this, etc". |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 20:10:04 GMT
Hi Mary, I wondered if there was/is a chance I can work with my ex on our issues, meaning, if we were to try and have a real go at it again, it is with the understanding that our attachment issues be built into compromise. For instance, he wants a weekend a month to himself, instead of me getting hurt, I could be fine with it, provided I know we are a couple again. I am working really hard on my AP issues and I am learning how to love my independence. He keeps coming back over and over and hasn't dated anyone else yet, when we are together it is really great and I can see how happy we both are, seems like such a waste to keep playing this game without just addressing the core issues and trying to work with them. I want to still have this long awaited conversation and I'm starting to also wonder if the time is right now- knowing he could very well just reject me again, and then I would have to make the decision to cut him out entirely to move on. Not sure how he would react to this though. He was extremely different when I saw him saturday- I have never experienced such loving and passionate behavior from him in the almost 3 years we have been together. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I cannot deny the incredible difference. What I have learned is that both people have to do something to break the cycle. The "cause" of the cycle has to be figured out, then the compromise. The cause is related to the attachment style, but it's not the real cause. The cause or trigger is different for for everyone. One trigger for me is certain phrases he would say over and over. By the 5th time, I was needing space. He had no idea he was triggering me and so the pull seemed to come out of nowhere. The cause to me wasn't even fully realized until it happened a few times. Another trigger for me was certain months of the year. I traced the months back to my childhood papers and discovered they were months that something traumatic happened as a child. My current partner was a key part of helping me identify the triggers and then we could come up with a plan. It was easier for me with a secure partner to identify triggers since I was the only one being triggered. It helped me realize he was not really the cause of the triggers, it was what was ingrained in me from childhood. I could no longer "blame" someone else. I think with 2 people with insecure styles, it will be harder as you are both being triggered. Harder, but not impossible. You can move on to another relationship, and it will possibly be better, but it could possibly be more of the same. I think the key for me was to see it as triggers and not as "he/she did this, did not do this, said this, made me feel like this, etc". I like how you phrased it Mary...triggers are neutral...they are not tied to a particuliar person but can be activated for a variety of reasons. I think you are also right that there is a lot more work when 2 people are insecure in their attachment because both have to be willing to look for their own triggers as well as be willing to work with what triggers the other person. Sometimes triggers for one create triggers in the other person....so yes...both have to willing to work on it. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 20:16:49 GMT
Also....when speaking with a guy...it helps to start with what he is doing right in the relationship...the ways in which he doesn't trigger you.  |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 20, 2017 20:00:14 GMT
Hi Mary and tnr9,
Mary your post was very informative and helpful. My ex definitely gets triggered by certain words or phrases. For instance, if I ask him "are you ok?" - he gets so angry and will raise his voice and argue with me. I finally learned a few months ago this was a trigger when he explained it makes him feel like he is to blame and something is wrong with him as a person. Now, I never ask that and instead try to use different phrases.
Your explanation about triggers helps a lot, but I don't think he is willing to work with me on any of this. I feel I have been doing all the work both in therapy, forums like this and reading many books on how we could work with each other, but until he is willing to work with me, I think it's best I walk away.
I want to have a final discussion with him to see if its possible, knowing it most likely isn't, but at least I tried.
tnr9 I agree! It's good to start the conversation out with some positive feedback before diving into the rest!
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 20, 2017 20:05:19 GMT
I saw my ex about a month ago....he had offered to help me with a task. He came over to my place early because he had an interview out this way. We talked and hugged and things got...I am not going to lie about this....I wanted him back and so I went back to old patterns of how we used to interact and what made him happy. I could tell he was conflicted...and at one point he said he did not want to have an emotional involvement....so he drew a line where I was unable. He did stay over but by then I sensed I had messed up...had pushed him away....had lost my only chance. What is so very odd is that he did not take the one thing he had left here from our breakup. He said...we will deal with that another time. Hi tnr9, I wanted to also say that you did not lose your only chance or do anything wrong in this scenario. Trust me, if he is classic FA he will circle back to you, but unfortunately as you are probably learning, the cycle will repeat. I always get so upset that I did something to "blow it" with my ex. I thought by texting him i missed him once, that I caused him to pull away. He would have pulled away regardless, and that is something we all tend to have trouble accepting. None of us have control over what our FA's will do, but one thing that is certain, the cycle will continue if we let it. I say this without judgement, because I am fully involved in the push/pull dynamic with my ex as we speak, but I don't want you to blame yourself for any of it! I am learning through therapy that not only is it NOT my fault, it is not something I will ever be able to control. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 20, 2017 21:35:35 GMT
I saw my ex about a month ago....he had offered to help me with a task. He came over to my place early because he had an interview out this way. We talked and hugged and things got...I am not going to lie about this....I wanted him back and so I went back to old patterns of how we used to interact and what made him happy. I could tell he was conflicted...and at one point he said he did not want to have an emotional involvement....so he drew a line where I was unable. He did stay over but by then I sensed I had messed up...had pushed him away....had lost my only chance. What is so very odd is that he did not take the one thing he had left here from our breakup. He said...we will deal with that another time. Hi tnr9, I wanted to also say that you did not lose your only chance or do anything wrong in this scenario. Trust me, if he is classic FA he will circle back to you, but unfortunately as you are probably learning, the cycle will repeat. I always get so upset that I did something to "blow it" with my ex. I thought by texting him i missed him once, that I caused him to pull away. He would have pulled away regardless, and that is something we all tend to have trouble accepting. None of us have control over what our FA's will do, but one thing that is certain, the cycle will continue if we let it. I say this without judgement, because I am fully involved in the push/pull dynamic with my ex as we speak, but I don't want you to blame yourself for any of it! I am learning through therapy that not only is it NOT my fault, it is not something I will ever be able to control. Hey Kristyrose...he isn't coming back...not in a romantic way at least. The more I read...the more I think he isn't specifically FA. He has never thought of me to be too good for him...has never expressed any fear that I would abandon him...the only reason I thought he was more on the FA side was due to his childhood and the fact that he has aspects of himself that he doesn't like. I think the reason he left it here is as sort of a back up. I am his "in the wings" girl that he does not want to lose from his life, but does not want to be in relationship with. It makes me sad because I would love a second chance....but I have to accept reality for what it is. |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 21, 2017 18:40:13 GMT
Hi tnr9,
I see... I understand and I'm very sorry you are going through this heartache.
I am trying to accept my own reality, but still finding it so difficult to do so. :-(
Sending you some hugs
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