Triggered her fear of abandonment, ghosted me and rebounded Jul 20, 2023 21:17:01 GMT
Post by lokingforanswers on Jul 20, 2023 21:17:01 GMT
Oh boy, I did not know about FA, but now I understand everything. Sadly, this doesn't help me to get her back, which is what I want because I love her a lot.
Can you guys help me to understand her behavior?
- Both 38yo. Male (me) and Female (her).
- We were 1 year and 18 months together. At the end we lived at her apartment. She never lived with anyone of her partners.
- She has depressive tendencies.
- While we where in a relationship, she would randomly enter on an anxiety overload because she thought I didn't love her. She would think that based on minuscule things.
- She deactivated (is that the word?) on quite a few ocasions while in the relationship.
- She loved me (still loves me?) a lot.
- Relationship was great. Lots of pictures, we played music together, we cooked together, traveled together...
- She said to me that she wanted to marry me and even to have a child together.
- She has a touch of jealousy.
- She told me that if we even break up, she fear she might enter into another depression as big as the one she had in her 20s (But I don't see her depressed, as she's with another dude now...)
- We were apart for Christmas vacation.
- She entered into that anxious spiral over text. She was saying that I didn't love her.
- I got angry because she said hurtful things to me, and I backed up. Fear of abandonment triggered.
- She backed up even more. She was supossed to return to the apartment, and she wasn't doing so.
- After a month, she finally meet me in person, and told me that she couldn't return to the apartment because her father wanted to rent it and she wasn't allowed to work from home anymore (a blatant lie and excuse!). (Please note that now she's effectively abandoning me, but this doesn't seem to matter to her)
- That meeting wasn't a breakup talk. There were kisses and good desires and plans for the future.
- I send to her a few academic papers that I promised to help her with.
- I collect my things from the apartment despite her telling me to wait and see. Fear of abandonment overloaded.
- I tell her by text that I want to keep our relationship, and I tell her to tell me when to meet the next week, when I return from a work trip (I leave clearly the ball on her court).
- I don't double text. No fucking reply. Ghosted.
- After a week, she changes her whatsapp profile picture for one that I took of her that she really liked and is very professionally looking. WTF.
- I'm sure she still loved me back then.
- After a month, it's her birthday and I don't reach out. Fear of abandonment exploding.
- After another month she posts a Whatsapp story with another dude (WTF? She never used stories on that platform before! Also, she never did that with me. Also, one month and a half and she went with another dude??)
- She keeps doing that with a monthly cadence, approximately.
And then I reach out, after 5 months of being ghosted.
- I tell her by phone that I love her, that when she went silent I understood that she were angry at me, that I remembered that we promised that if we see each other in this situation, we would make efforts to recover, and I that I want to know if she feels the same way.
- I don't mention the other guy, but she mentions that she's with another dude. She tells me that it was "settled" and I reply with "What? But... we never broke up, you never told me so..."
- She tells me that she needs to hang up and that she'll call me back later (I can truly imagine her starting to cry! I've seen her doing that after a phone call with bad news).
- She never calls me back and she blocks me, my sister and my mother on Whatsapp. Blocks me on Instagram but doesn't block my sister, deletes a picture on Instagram that we had together, but doesn't block me on Facebook. (Why that half assed blocking?)
- I send her the keys of the apartment via mail, with a note saying that now she has made clear to me know her willingess to broke up with me, that I was hoping for something different and I wanted to fix our relationship, but I say that I respect her decision and I wish her the best.
- Ten days later, she changes her profile picture on Instagram from a selfie to one picture of her and a guy, tacken fron behind and looking at the sea. (I know because I logged out from instagram)
- A month after (July), it's my birthday, she doesn't reach out (of course), but after three days and just when I receive a birthday timeline post from someone, she deletes her Facebook profile picture (another selfie) and now all she has is the default Facebook silhouette. Does this has something to do with me? Or it is just a meaningless coincidence?
Now... what the fuck is this girl thiking? The way I see it is that we had our first somewhat serious argument as a couple, I unknowingly fueled her fear of abandonemnt, and she faded, ghosted me and went with another guy a month and a half after...
Specific things that I don't understand:
- What did I do wrong? What were my mistakes?
- Why posting the whatsapp stories with the dude if she never used that before? Was that a bait?
- What did I do/set in motion by reaching out?
- Why she deleted our picture, blocked me, and changed her profile picture after I reach out, and not during the previous months? (In fact, she kept her Whatsapp profile picture with the really good picture that I took of her)
- What does her Facebook profile picture deletion mean? (It was a couple of days after my birthday). Is she hurting? It is just a meaningless coincidence? Why would someone delete her profile picture?
- Is this FA? Borderline Personality Disorder? Or a bit of both?
- Why did she go with another dude so fast after ghosting me on a great relationship where she loved me and she was loved by me?
- Will that rebound wear off and come back to me?
- How do I get her back?
If you made it that far, thank you for reading. I apreciate it... And I'm really confused and hurting... Any kind of insight will help, because I think this is hopeless.