Post by rosequartzgarden on Jul 28, 2023 8:37:53 GMT
One of the biggest fights my DA boyfriend and I have had in our relationship is when I kept saying I wanted to see him but he kept turning me down, and he ended up causing friction burns on his skin from masturbation, preventing us from being intimate for a week. Before then and even after that, there have been moments where he'll say he wants sex but would rather be alone, and where he turns down dates to masturbate. When we were seeing each other often enough to meet his sexual needs, he complained that I satisfied him so much he couldn't masturbate. A recent trend in our relationship is him planning for us to see each other less frequently, like 2 times a week, despite us both having high sex drives. Tonight when we were together, he told me how he likes to touch himself and it sent me over the edge. Even though it's his hand, I can't get it out of my head that someone else is touching him, arousing him, making him feel good. If he's pushing me away then I feel like there must be something I can't give him, something I can't compete with and don't compare to. I just feel so inferior and unwanted and jealous. I just want to feel like I'm enough for him. I honestly don't know what to do.
Years ago I was seeing an emotionally immature, peter-pan type guy who told me he loved me, but though we lived 10 minutes away from he each other, he only actually wanted to see me once or twice a week. He could never "finish" with me, only his own hand, because the amount of masturbating he did and the pressure of a strong, fast-moving hand had made him insensitive to slower, softer touch. I HATED this, made me feel...not jealous, but not sexy (though he insisted when he whacked off, he was usually thinking about me) and like there was an incompleteness, a disconnectedness, to our sex. I googled it, found it is totally a thing that happens to chronic masturbators, they can't get off except by a hard gripping, fast-moving hand.
He would have to want to change this and stop masturbating for a while, or start using gentler, slower pressure to get back to being sensitive. My guy never got around to doing this, or being a more emotionally available guy, so I dumped him (as soon as someone else came along that seemed more available.)
So you have sexual incompatibility, as well as incompatibility in how much time you'd like to spend together. Definitely sounds unsatisfying.
You might try checking out the movie Don Jon. It's about a character who is probably DA, repressed, emotionally unavailable, addicted to porn, and an interesting depiction of what that experience is like for him (it's not fun for him, either, it's a compulsion!) in spite of dating a character played by Scarlett Johansson. Who is obviously incredibly attractive! The characters are not super compatible in what they want in life, but his unavailability and masturbation issues aren't about her or anything lacking besides that compatibility. The resolution gets a little too Hollywood-y, but ultimately the character has to decide to address his issues and there's nothing the female character can do about it besides decide what's best for herself. Which may sound like I've spoiled the ending, but I absolutely did not
That's a mismatch, and that's the hard part... letting go of what isn't good for you. Accepting him as he is, and realizing that it's not supportive of your relationship needs, to get turned down in favor of his hand. He's NOT available for the relationship you want.
Grieving is appropriate, as is outside support to help you be true to yourself and your needs.
I've had somewhat similar experiences with my (aware) DA partner. It's nothing nearly as extreme as the OP's story but sometimes I feel rejected when he turns down sex. There have been a few times where I found out that he chose to masturbate instead and my brain just can't make sense of it. I think sex is just one part of a larger issue around disconnection. The intensity of the relationship has increased lately -- we are working on integrating our lives in new ways and I think he is panicking. He said at one point that every fiber of his being wanted to push me away to protect himself. This makes complete sense and I know it's not personal but it can still be very confusing. I am focusing on my own life and things I enjoy as much as possible so I can maintain my sense of self worth. We have been in therapy and working through things and I know he is still committed to the relationship but phew it is tough.
As the only bloke here at the moment, sometimes the politics is just too difficult. Sometimes it’s just a reliever of tension. My own experience is when sex is used as a method of manipulation, I’d rather not, thanks.