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Post by summer on Dec 18, 2017 16:17:07 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 13:37:02 GMT
Quick question...what is his opinion of himself? Does he speak of himself in high terms or low? FAs have a low view of themselves and DAs typically do not ( based on what I read). The checked out aspect I so relate to.....the physically there but emotionally/mentally checked out used to trigger me because I always felt like he wasn't 100% committed...like there was one foot that was holding the exit door open the whole relationship. It became more pronounced as the relationship progressed..
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Post by summer on Dec 19, 2017 14:32:10 GMT
Quick question...what is his opinion of himself? Does he speak of himself in high terms or low? FAs have a low view of themselves and DAs typically do not ( based on what I read). The checked out aspect I so relate to.....the physically there but emotionally/mentally checked out used to trigger me because I always felt like he wasn't 100% committed...like there was one foot that was holding the exit door open the whole relationship. It became more pronounced as the relationship progressed.. He definitely thinks highly of himself, and is quite vain about his looks. I once commented that he looked handsome in a photo I took, and he said, "I know." When I looked at him in surprise, he said "I know what I look like!" Sometimes I catch him admiring his physique in mirrors (he is very fit). tnr9... when did your Avoidant start doing the mentally checked out thing? Did they also blow hot & cold? |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 17:32:09 GMT
Quick question...what is his opinion of himself? Does he speak of himself in high terms or low? FAs have a low view of themselves and DAs typically do not ( based on what I read). The checked out aspect I so relate to.....the physically there but emotionally/mentally checked out used to trigger me because I always felt like he wasn't 100% committed...like there was one foot that was holding the exit door open the whole relationship. It became more pronounced as the relationship progressed.. He definitely thinks highly of himself, and is quite vain about his looks. I once commented that he looked handsome in a photo I took, and he said, "I know." When I looked at him in surprise, he said "I know what I look like!" Sometimes I catch him admiring his physique in mirrors (he is very fit). tnr9... when did your Avoidant start doing the mentally checked out thing? Did they also blow hot & cold? I think as an important note, I was the pursuer in my relationship....so right from the beginning, my ex seemed checked out....this improved somewhat over time....but never to the point where it felt that he was all in. I would not label him as hot versus cold but more invested/involved and then distant/removed...it seemed that the greater the time we had...the more the distance the following days. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 17:48:20 GMT
Quick question...what is his opinion of himself? Does he speak of himself in high terms or low? FAs have a low view of themselves and DAs typically do not ( based on what I read). The checked out aspect I so relate to.....the physically there but emotionally/mentally checked out used to trigger me because I always felt like he wasn't 100% committed...like there was one foot that was holding the exit door open the whole relationship. It became more pronounced as the relationship progressed.. He definitely thinks highly of himself, and is quite vain about his looks. I once commented that he looked handsome in a photo I took, and he said, "I know." When I looked at him in surprise, he said "I know what I look like!" Sometimes I catch him admiring his physique in mirrors (he is very fit). tnr9... when did your Avoidant start doing the mentally checked out thing? Did they also blow hot & cold? Sounds like there is a bit of narcissism mixed in there. Narcissists are a house of cards. Once the cards are blown away, there is nothing inside. Avoidants and narcs have issues with empathy. I think the main difference is that I know I don't empathize correctly all the time, but a narc is utterly confused by the idea and a narc is never wrong. |
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Post by avoiddemons on Dec 19, 2017 21:18:15 GMT
Quick question...what is his opinion of himself? Does he speak of himself in high terms or low? FAs have a low view of themselves and DAs typically do not ( based on what I read). The checked out aspect I so relate to.....the physically there but emotionally/mentally checked out used to trigger me because I always felt like he wasn't 100% committed...like there was one foot that was holding the exit door open the whole relationship. It became more pronounced as the relationship progressed.. My Avoidant bf has a very low view of himself and feels that he's inadequate, too skinny, too short, not strong, not good looking and that he's "inferior" to people from a more privileged background. However, some of the time he tries to mask this by being super cocky and claiming that he's got no faults whatsoever. The rest of the time he seems to be fishing for compliments and constantly putting himself down and talking about how bony he is etc. He's actually not underweight. He's average height and slim to average build and really quite strong. But he is not a big built guy. I'd say he's more FA, but not sure. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 21:37:14 GMT
Quick question...what is his opinion of himself? Does he speak of himself in high terms or low? FAs have a low view of themselves and DAs typically do not ( based on what I read). The checked out aspect I so relate to.....the physically there but emotionally/mentally checked out used to trigger me because I always felt like he wasn't 100% committed...like there was one foot that was holding the exit door open the whole relationship. It became more pronounced as the relationship progressed.. My Avoidant bf has a very low view of himself and feels that he's inadequate, too skinny, too short, not strong, not good looking and that he's "inferior" to people from a more privileged background. However, some of the time he tries to mask this by being super cocky and claiming that he's got no faults whatsoever. The rest of the time he seems to be fishing for compliments and constantly putting himself down and talking about how bony he is etc. He's actually not underweight. He's average height and slim to average build and really quite strong. But he is not a big built guy. I'd say he's more FA, but not sure. My ex had some deep wounding around looks etc. too....he did not act cocky...just at times acted like he did not identify with those parts of him. Insecurities over looks etc. to me was my ex's way of identifying "the thing" that made him feel bad about himself. But even if he did not have those particular things to dislike...I suspect something else would have been wrong. It is easier to attach your pain to something about yourself rather then back to the original wounding from your parents. And yes....mine often seemed to like compliments...although he often said he did not need an encourager. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 22:17:48 GMT
Extreme insecurity in mine and very low self esteem. I think this makes it very difficult to be angry at a person! It creates more of a feeling of wanting to help and protect.
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Post by avoiddemons on Dec 19, 2017 22:44:12 GMT
I was just chatting to the bf on the phone. As usual he was talking about how disappointing he thinks his body is and how he thinks he is not attractive enough. I asked him if he seriously means that and I told him I find him gorgeous. I genuinely do find him gorgeous. After I said that he sounded soooo happy and immediately asked if he could come over for a sleepover lol. I said no, because he'd recently said we should stop having sex to avoid becoming "too committed." But it was interesting how happy he sounded when I told him I think he looks great.
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Post by avoiddemons on Dec 19, 2017 22:44:53 GMT
Extreme insecurity in mine and very low self esteem. I think this makes it very difficult to be angry at a person! It creates more of a feeling of wanting to help and protect. Yes, it really does! |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 22:57:22 GMT
I was just chatting to the bf on the phone. As usual he was talking about how disappointing he thinks his body is and how he thinks he is not attractive enough. I asked him if he seriously means that and I told him I find him gorgeous. I genuinely do find him gorgeous. After I said that he sounded soooo happy and immediately asked if he could come over for a sleepover lol. I said no, because he'd recently said we should stop having sex to avoid becoming "too committed." But it was interesting how happy he sounded when I told him I think he looks great. I still think my ex is gorgeous. I used to tell him all the time...I so desire you. His face would light up.  |
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Post by avoiddemons on Dec 19, 2017 23:09:14 GMT
I was just chatting to the bf on the phone. As usual he was talking about how disappointing he thinks his body is and how he thinks he is not attractive enough. I asked him if he seriously means that and I told him I find him gorgeous. I genuinely do find him gorgeous. After I said that he sounded soooo happy and immediately asked if he could come over for a sleepover lol. I said no, because he'd recently said we should stop having sex to avoid becoming "too committed." But it was interesting how happy he sounded when I told him I think he looks great. I still think my ex is gorgeous. I used to tell him all the time...I so desire you. His face would light up. Awww. Did he pay you a lot of compliments too? |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 23:18:37 GMT
I still think my ex is gorgeous. I used to tell him all the time...I so desire you. His face would light up. Awww. Did he pay you a lot of compliments too? He would say I was awesome and amazing . I truly miss him. |
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