Post by ohboy on Aug 13, 2023 18:23:19 GMT
Part 1
I am a healing DA. My partner is a FA. Of course I knew nothing about attachments styles for most of my life. I was pretty shocked to discover that I was a DA, I just thought it was my "personality". We truly do love each other. My FA frequently tells me that he is certain of 2 things in this life and that is the God loves him and I love him.
My partner and I have known each other for over 30yrs. Although we initially met and became friends, I introduced him to my husband and they became best of friends and were friends for many years. I always liked my FA as a person. He was kind, thoughtful, easy to talk to. He was smart intellectually, business savvy, and just exuded can do and confidence. It was like he was everything my husband was not. He became a part of our family and our extended family. I remember a time during this period when feelings surfaced around him for me. I had this jealous moment and it confused me.. It was only briefly and I knew that they were inappropriate and I consciously shut them down knowing that they were inappropriate for a married woman. When my marriage went thru challenges he was a support to both me and my husband and never made any opportunistic moves even though I was very vulnerable at the time. He was the perfect gentleman. Ultimately my husband decided he did not want to be married anymore and we divorced. About 6 months after my divorce, I seduced my FA friend. It was then that he told me that he had always been in love with me, always wanted me. I wanted to be with him (in a relationship). He was everything that my ex was not. But he seemed to be holding back. When I asked him about it, he told me that he loved me, wanted to be with me but because of his friendship with my husband it had really messed up his head. He went on with his life and he would call me periodically and we would connect intimately about once per year. Ultimately, I decided that I didn't want this kind of relationship and although we remained friends I cut off the intimate part of our relationship. He was amazingly supportive of my daughter and we often tag-teamed on providing her with emotional support through graduate school (she did not have a good relationship)
I share this only to provide some logic about how I as a DA, who does not inherently trust people came to trust him.
Fast forward to mid 2018. My Ex was diagnosed with cancer and had no where to go. We had been divorced for 17 years. I had casually dated (nothing serious and no physical intimacy with anyone during those 17 years except for my FA friend) My ex had been in a 6 year relationship but did not trust his care in the hands of his own partner. He moved into my home and I cared for him until he died in mid 2018. I must admit that I did not feel "divorced" until he died. Later in the year my FA friend and I reconnected and having been so drawn to each other being together was like having the biggest dream of your life fulfilled.
I entered the relationship knowing that there was much that had transpired thru the years that we had been disconnected and that there was much I did not know (I'd never even seen him angry) but I was hopeful. Looking back, he entered the relationship "all in" from the gate. For the next 6 months every time I would start feeling comfortable and secure it was like he would pull the rug out from under me. I mustered up the courage to communicate this...........with no response. 1 year into the relationship all types of family crisis happened. I went on medical leave. Then 2020/2021 Covid, work from home, more family issues, a ruptured relationship with my only child damn near killed me. Worst as a DA I was trying to manage it all internally. Long story short after a few feeble attempts to communicate my distress were met with a longer task list, I ended up in mental health hell. Outside of my partner who did not seem to really fully see how bad it was, I hid it from those who were closest to me very well. I was not functional, I couldn't focus or multi task, I descended further internally trying to use coping skills that no longer worked. I became a walking zombie. As a partner I made my best effort with what energy I had remaining to at least meet some of his needs. I use to spend hours sitting in silence trying to get myself together so that when I went upstairs to where he was I could present the best version of myself that I could muster............which was often met with anger, frustration, rejection and the withholding of affection. I knew I was failing him as a partner but was helpless to do anything about it.
During Covid my great niece moved into our home to have a change of scenery. She was entering her first year of college but due to covid was unable to be on campus. Looking back I fully admit that my thoughts were that she would get to experience some of the independence that first year college students do and would be fairly independent. I never once thought about any emotional support that she might need (now I know she's a FA too). She and my FA partner bonded during my mental and emotional absence. They would go on bicycle rides, walks while I fought to keep my sanity, tried to maintain the house and worked to keep food on the table. This was not a bad thing. She had never had a man that she could trust in her life and was being successful even though her childhood had been wrought with trauma. My FA partner was dependable, responsible and a man of his word. He could show her that there were men that could be trusted.
During this period my FA would tell me that we needed to talk. I even agreed to talk. But as any DA would, I conjured up in my mind all the conflict that would ensue. Add to that that mentally and physically I was on the edge, knew I was failing everything and everyone and I avoided that conversation like the plague cause I was internally terrified!
In 2021 one of the primary stressors in my life ended and I can tell you I was hanging on by a thread. My partner and I took a months long vacation and I started to recover and in Feb 2022 I sought out a therapist. I didn't know what was wrong but I knew SOMETHING was wrong to allow myself to go down a very destructive path and I began to heal which lead me back to my childhood. I was completely shocked! I shared all of the things I learned through therapy with my partner wants him to know that I was seeing myself in many ways for the very first time and I had a much clearer understanding of why I had some of the behavior patterns that I did. He said we needed to talk, but said he did not think that I was in a place were I was ready and conversations were deferred repeatedly. Maybe this was HIS DA side coming out. I came to truly realize how abandoned he must have felt with me being emotionally and mentally absent and I confessed this to him and apologized over and over. He still refused to have "the talk" saying he didn't think I was ready to make any commitments.
In Nov 2022 he had what I can only describe as a severe mental health crisis. It was frightening. He would not talk about what he was feeling. I could not provide any comfort. A matter of fact I felt like my talking to him just made it worse. I thought he was going to harm himself. I said let's talk, he said it would just all erupt into us both being a heaping pile of tears, told him that maybe that's what we needed. I asked him if he had ever experienced this before. He said yes but not this bad and would not elaborate further. encouraged him to talk to his doctor, a therapist, he refused. This went on for a full week and my niece and I were so scared for him. I tried to measure him that he was deeply loved and I was still present and would remain present. At this point I was 10 months into my healing and with feelings now turned on I was able to be much more compassionate and sensitive.
At the end of that week he ended up in the ER when he suddenly couldn't remember simple things and I was terrified that he had had a stroke. (he had untreated high blood pressure since he refused to take medication). Finally it was determined that he had experienced Transient Global Amnesia (TGA). When this happens you lose memory of recent events and cannot make new memories. You can still physically function but you don't know where you are, why you are there, etc. It is typically brought on by an intense workout (sex) or stress. (both existed). It's a temporary condition and is not life threatening. However he was admitted to the ICU because his blood pressure was "pre-stroke" he remained there for 2 days. He seemed to be taking it all as a joke. Acting like being in an ICU hospital bed was not big deal, cracking racking jokes while lying in his hospital bed. It was maddening. 2 days after arriving home, I told him how scared we had been for him. I was expecting him to put his arms around me to validate what a scary experience it had been. Instead, he told me "its all your fault"
His birthday was coming up in a week and I had planned a special family event. Having failed so miserably the previous year ( had forgotten his birthday the previous year during my own mental health crisis) I wanted to go all out to show him just how special he was and redeem myself. When I told him 2 days before his birthday he completely flipped out. He told me he didn't want to do that, that I didn't listen to him. I told him I realize that I should have "asked" him what he wanted and that I I would cancel the family event, which I immediately did. The next morning he packed up his tools and told me that he was going to work on a project that had organically appeared over the past several months and that we could benefit from the time apart. (Prior to this event, I was aware of the prospect of this project and we had talked about how it would work if he were to take it). He left the following day. I asked him what were we going to tell the kids. He said, nothing has changed I'm just working out of state. I did not press further knowing the fragility of his mental health and the fact that he was still in recovery from his TGA
Can someone please tell me what my FA was experiencing?
I am a healing DA. My partner is a FA. Of course I knew nothing about attachments styles for most of my life. I was pretty shocked to discover that I was a DA, I just thought it was my "personality". We truly do love each other. My FA frequently tells me that he is certain of 2 things in this life and that is the God loves him and I love him.
My partner and I have known each other for over 30yrs. Although we initially met and became friends, I introduced him to my husband and they became best of friends and were friends for many years. I always liked my FA as a person. He was kind, thoughtful, easy to talk to. He was smart intellectually, business savvy, and just exuded can do and confidence. It was like he was everything my husband was not. He became a part of our family and our extended family. I remember a time during this period when feelings surfaced around him for me. I had this jealous moment and it confused me.. It was only briefly and I knew that they were inappropriate and I consciously shut them down knowing that they were inappropriate for a married woman. When my marriage went thru challenges he was a support to both me and my husband and never made any opportunistic moves even though I was very vulnerable at the time. He was the perfect gentleman. Ultimately my husband decided he did not want to be married anymore and we divorced. About 6 months after my divorce, I seduced my FA friend. It was then that he told me that he had always been in love with me, always wanted me. I wanted to be with him (in a relationship). He was everything that my ex was not. But he seemed to be holding back. When I asked him about it, he told me that he loved me, wanted to be with me but because of his friendship with my husband it had really messed up his head. He went on with his life and he would call me periodically and we would connect intimately about once per year. Ultimately, I decided that I didn't want this kind of relationship and although we remained friends I cut off the intimate part of our relationship. He was amazingly supportive of my daughter and we often tag-teamed on providing her with emotional support through graduate school (she did not have a good relationship)
I share this only to provide some logic about how I as a DA, who does not inherently trust people came to trust him.
Fast forward to mid 2018. My Ex was diagnosed with cancer and had no where to go. We had been divorced for 17 years. I had casually dated (nothing serious and no physical intimacy with anyone during those 17 years except for my FA friend) My ex had been in a 6 year relationship but did not trust his care in the hands of his own partner. He moved into my home and I cared for him until he died in mid 2018. I must admit that I did not feel "divorced" until he died. Later in the year my FA friend and I reconnected and having been so drawn to each other being together was like having the biggest dream of your life fulfilled.
I entered the relationship knowing that there was much that had transpired thru the years that we had been disconnected and that there was much I did not know (I'd never even seen him angry) but I was hopeful. Looking back, he entered the relationship "all in" from the gate. For the next 6 months every time I would start feeling comfortable and secure it was like he would pull the rug out from under me. I mustered up the courage to communicate this...........with no response. 1 year into the relationship all types of family crisis happened. I went on medical leave. Then 2020/2021 Covid, work from home, more family issues, a ruptured relationship with my only child damn near killed me. Worst as a DA I was trying to manage it all internally. Long story short after a few feeble attempts to communicate my distress were met with a longer task list, I ended up in mental health hell. Outside of my partner who did not seem to really fully see how bad it was, I hid it from those who were closest to me very well. I was not functional, I couldn't focus or multi task, I descended further internally trying to use coping skills that no longer worked. I became a walking zombie. As a partner I made my best effort with what energy I had remaining to at least meet some of his needs. I use to spend hours sitting in silence trying to get myself together so that when I went upstairs to where he was I could present the best version of myself that I could muster............which was often met with anger, frustration, rejection and the withholding of affection. I knew I was failing him as a partner but was helpless to do anything about it.
During Covid my great niece moved into our home to have a change of scenery. She was entering her first year of college but due to covid was unable to be on campus. Looking back I fully admit that my thoughts were that she would get to experience some of the independence that first year college students do and would be fairly independent. I never once thought about any emotional support that she might need (now I know she's a FA too). She and my FA partner bonded during my mental and emotional absence. They would go on bicycle rides, walks while I fought to keep my sanity, tried to maintain the house and worked to keep food on the table. This was not a bad thing. She had never had a man that she could trust in her life and was being successful even though her childhood had been wrought with trauma. My FA partner was dependable, responsible and a man of his word. He could show her that there were men that could be trusted.
During this period my FA would tell me that we needed to talk. I even agreed to talk. But as any DA would, I conjured up in my mind all the conflict that would ensue. Add to that that mentally and physically I was on the edge, knew I was failing everything and everyone and I avoided that conversation like the plague cause I was internally terrified!
In 2021 one of the primary stressors in my life ended and I can tell you I was hanging on by a thread. My partner and I took a months long vacation and I started to recover and in Feb 2022 I sought out a therapist. I didn't know what was wrong but I knew SOMETHING was wrong to allow myself to go down a very destructive path and I began to heal which lead me back to my childhood. I was completely shocked! I shared all of the things I learned through therapy with my partner wants him to know that I was seeing myself in many ways for the very first time and I had a much clearer understanding of why I had some of the behavior patterns that I did. He said we needed to talk, but said he did not think that I was in a place were I was ready and conversations were deferred repeatedly. Maybe this was HIS DA side coming out. I came to truly realize how abandoned he must have felt with me being emotionally and mentally absent and I confessed this to him and apologized over and over. He still refused to have "the talk" saying he didn't think I was ready to make any commitments.
In Nov 2022 he had what I can only describe as a severe mental health crisis. It was frightening. He would not talk about what he was feeling. I could not provide any comfort. A matter of fact I felt like my talking to him just made it worse. I thought he was going to harm himself. I said let's talk, he said it would just all erupt into us both being a heaping pile of tears, told him that maybe that's what we needed. I asked him if he had ever experienced this before. He said yes but not this bad and would not elaborate further. encouraged him to talk to his doctor, a therapist, he refused. This went on for a full week and my niece and I were so scared for him. I tried to measure him that he was deeply loved and I was still present and would remain present. At this point I was 10 months into my healing and with feelings now turned on I was able to be much more compassionate and sensitive.
At the end of that week he ended up in the ER when he suddenly couldn't remember simple things and I was terrified that he had had a stroke. (he had untreated high blood pressure since he refused to take medication). Finally it was determined that he had experienced Transient Global Amnesia (TGA). When this happens you lose memory of recent events and cannot make new memories. You can still physically function but you don't know where you are, why you are there, etc. It is typically brought on by an intense workout (sex) or stress. (both existed). It's a temporary condition and is not life threatening. However he was admitted to the ICU because his blood pressure was "pre-stroke" he remained there for 2 days. He seemed to be taking it all as a joke. Acting like being in an ICU hospital bed was not big deal, cracking racking jokes while lying in his hospital bed. It was maddening. 2 days after arriving home, I told him how scared we had been for him. I was expecting him to put his arms around me to validate what a scary experience it had been. Instead, he told me "its all your fault"
His birthday was coming up in a week and I had planned a special family event. Having failed so miserably the previous year ( had forgotten his birthday the previous year during my own mental health crisis) I wanted to go all out to show him just how special he was and redeem myself. When I told him 2 days before his birthday he completely flipped out. He told me he didn't want to do that, that I didn't listen to him. I told him I realize that I should have "asked" him what he wanted and that I I would cancel the family event, which I immediately did. The next morning he packed up his tools and told me that he was going to work on a project that had organically appeared over the past several months and that we could benefit from the time apart. (Prior to this event, I was aware of the prospect of this project and we had talked about how it would work if he were to take it). He left the following day. I asked him what were we going to tell the kids. He said, nothing has changed I'm just working out of state. I did not press further knowing the fragility of his mental health and the fact that he was still in recovery from his TGA
Can someone please tell me what my FA was experiencing?