Post by ohboy on Aug 13, 2023 21:43:00 GMT
Healing DA here, partner is an unaware FA. We have been separated for 8 months but still talk multiple times per day and still see each other periodically.... trying to work thru issues but we are stuck. He came home a month ago, was in a terrible state and say, " I knew you would take care of me"
My FA partner has disconnected and cut off many people in his life. The only 2 people that remain are me and my niece whom he is very close to. He says that he has to let all "toxic" people go. This has left him with no real support system. I was suspicious because of some of the stress and anxiety behavior I have seen in my niece, but confirmed earlier in the week that he is using my 21 year old niece for emotional support. I discovered that she has been subject to the up and downs of our relationship which has been like a roller coaster with the I want you I'm scared of you thing. She has been subject to conversations of how he thinks I am the best thing since chewing gum and he will be returning home soon (when we have a great connected conversation; and then in a matter of days tell her how he is unhappy, miserable, etc ( when we have a conflict or tough conversation). I have also found out that he has been calling and texting her sometimes 10+ times a day, panics when he can't reach her AND has been calling her sometimes at 3am in the morning. She knows she does not have to answer the phone but does not feel that she can maintain her boundaries because, "he could be standing on a chair with a noose around his neck." (she told my sister this) Further, this puts her in a conflicted situation, he is my partner, I am her aunt. (she lived with us). My niece has not shared any of this with me directly but the information was shared with me by my sister who has spoken to her. My niece has been withdrawn, depressed and highly stressed in the last month. She is isolating in her bedroom. She refuses to make eye contact with me. We have tried to get her to share what is happening but she will not talk. This all culminated in a 2 day migraine headache. It is OBVIOUS that something is wrong
My niece has had a very difficult life. Both parents have issues involving addition or real diagnosed mental health disorders. She was parentified by the age of 7. She has been down this road of taking on adult responsibilities in the care of adults and she escaped it through therapy and separating from her parents. She is 21 a legal adult, but she is in no way ready or able to take on the emotional weight of providing significant emotional support to a 60+ year old man and it is taking a physical and emotional tool on her. She loves him and he loves her I get it. But she should be focusing on her life, having fun and developing into herself.
I tried to get my partner FA partner to come home for a few days since I wanted to talk about it face-to-face. He couldn't make the trip due to work. So we had the conversation on the phone. I told him that I know that our niece loves him and that he loves her. That he has and continues to provide amazing support for her and will do anything within his power to make sure she has what she needs, but there are concerns. I asked him if he was relying on her for emotional support. He said, well you know during covid it was just she and I, you were absent. (referring to my mental health crisis). I said I get that. I get that you guys have a bond. But, I think you may be relying on her for 2 much and it is causing her a great deal of distress and could be bordering on unhealthy and inappropriate. He went completely silent. He was silent for a long time. In order to drive my concern home so that he could appreciate the impact of his behavior. I asked him, is it true that you are calling her at 3 in the morning? Long silence. When he came back he said, I can't remember the context of those calls or if she had called me, etc. I said let me share what she is experiencing so that you have an understanding of how serious this is. She told my sister that she didn't want to answer your 3am call but felt compelled to because " you could be standing on a chair with a noose around your neck." This tells us that she has a high level of anxiety around your well being and she would only have that if she was having words or interactions with you directly. This is impacting her. Then he completely blew up. Told me that I was willing to "blow up everything to get what I wanted" but that he would show me that He could blow it all up.......... then hung up on me and I have not heard from him since and its been 4 days.
A normal mature person might have also felt defensive at least for a while before seriously considering their behavior and the impact it was having on some one they claim to dearly love and reconsidered their behavior. Instead of doing that, my FA partner gave her guilt "I thought that everything was just between us". I am livid but can only imagine what is going on in his head. This my very well be the end of our relationship.
BTW. He was planning to come home in the next 2 weeks to help get her back to campus. All of her stuff is here so they are both going to need to make an appearance.......so I ultimately expect to hear from someone......I anticipate that both will be apprehensive about just appearing (my niece is an FA too)
What is going on in my FAs head, how can I handle this? I love both of them but have to speak my truth
My FA partner has disconnected and cut off many people in his life. The only 2 people that remain are me and my niece whom he is very close to. He says that he has to let all "toxic" people go. This has left him with no real support system. I was suspicious because of some of the stress and anxiety behavior I have seen in my niece, but confirmed earlier in the week that he is using my 21 year old niece for emotional support. I discovered that she has been subject to the up and downs of our relationship which has been like a roller coaster with the I want you I'm scared of you thing. She has been subject to conversations of how he thinks I am the best thing since chewing gum and he will be returning home soon (when we have a great connected conversation; and then in a matter of days tell her how he is unhappy, miserable, etc ( when we have a conflict or tough conversation). I have also found out that he has been calling and texting her sometimes 10+ times a day, panics when he can't reach her AND has been calling her sometimes at 3am in the morning. She knows she does not have to answer the phone but does not feel that she can maintain her boundaries because, "he could be standing on a chair with a noose around his neck." (she told my sister this) Further, this puts her in a conflicted situation, he is my partner, I am her aunt. (she lived with us). My niece has not shared any of this with me directly but the information was shared with me by my sister who has spoken to her. My niece has been withdrawn, depressed and highly stressed in the last month. She is isolating in her bedroom. She refuses to make eye contact with me. We have tried to get her to share what is happening but she will not talk. This all culminated in a 2 day migraine headache. It is OBVIOUS that something is wrong
My niece has had a very difficult life. Both parents have issues involving addition or real diagnosed mental health disorders. She was parentified by the age of 7. She has been down this road of taking on adult responsibilities in the care of adults and she escaped it through therapy and separating from her parents. She is 21 a legal adult, but she is in no way ready or able to take on the emotional weight of providing significant emotional support to a 60+ year old man and it is taking a physical and emotional tool on her. She loves him and he loves her I get it. But she should be focusing on her life, having fun and developing into herself.
I tried to get my partner FA partner to come home for a few days since I wanted to talk about it face-to-face. He couldn't make the trip due to work. So we had the conversation on the phone. I told him that I know that our niece loves him and that he loves her. That he has and continues to provide amazing support for her and will do anything within his power to make sure she has what she needs, but there are concerns. I asked him if he was relying on her for emotional support. He said, well you know during covid it was just she and I, you were absent. (referring to my mental health crisis). I said I get that. I get that you guys have a bond. But, I think you may be relying on her for 2 much and it is causing her a great deal of distress and could be bordering on unhealthy and inappropriate. He went completely silent. He was silent for a long time. In order to drive my concern home so that he could appreciate the impact of his behavior. I asked him, is it true that you are calling her at 3 in the morning? Long silence. When he came back he said, I can't remember the context of those calls or if she had called me, etc. I said let me share what she is experiencing so that you have an understanding of how serious this is. She told my sister that she didn't want to answer your 3am call but felt compelled to because " you could be standing on a chair with a noose around your neck." This tells us that she has a high level of anxiety around your well being and she would only have that if she was having words or interactions with you directly. This is impacting her. Then he completely blew up. Told me that I was willing to "blow up everything to get what I wanted" but that he would show me that He could blow it all up.......... then hung up on me and I have not heard from him since and its been 4 days.
A normal mature person might have also felt defensive at least for a while before seriously considering their behavior and the impact it was having on some one they claim to dearly love and reconsidered their behavior. Instead of doing that, my FA partner gave her guilt "I thought that everything was just between us". I am livid but can only imagine what is going on in his head. This my very well be the end of our relationship.
BTW. He was planning to come home in the next 2 weeks to help get her back to campus. All of her stuff is here so they are both going to need to make an appearance.......so I ultimately expect to hear from someone......I anticipate that both will be apprehensive about just appearing (my niece is an FA too)
What is going on in my FAs head, how can I handle this? I love both of them but have to speak my truth