Post by ohboy on Aug 14, 2023 0:44:33 GMT
I'm new here, have posted a lot today and it has helped a lot! Knowing that there are others who have experienced what I have experienced gives me real comfort. I love my FA partner, and have been in love with him for as long as I can remember. We were friends only for many years but everything changed when we became a couple.
I am a healing DA and I have made tremendous progress in coming closer and closer to secure. I am proud of myself happy. I am now completely in tune with my emotions, which is why I am feeling so much distress and communicating it. I am the most vulnerable than I have ever allowed myself to be with him even though we are in a place where we don't know if we will end up together. I have a voice and can and do communicate honestly and openly.
But it's this he can't make up his mind if he loves me or is terrified of me that drives me crazy. Through our 8 month separation ( he is working out of state) I have remain devoted, committed and loyal. As of today neither of us has ventured out of the relationship. He tells me that I am the most loyal, committed trust worthy partner he has every known. When he is in distress he comes to me for comfort and then says, " I don't want to be hurt again". and that I can't come back to the relationship as it was. We both agree on the fact that we don't want to come back to the old. I'm a new person now. He blames me for where we are today. (I had a mental health crisis and fully admit that I was not mentally or emotionally present) and is angry and resentful saying that if I had just "listened" to him all of it could have been avoided. I have tried on multiple occasion to explain the intensity and confusion that I experienced and how I was like a wet sponge that could not absorb any more water.... that I could not hear him. He refused to take any responsibility for the relationship failure saying I broke it and its my job to fix it. Yet a relationship involves 2 people, one person cannot fix it alone. I told him that if I wanted to take the easy way out I would just end the relationship, but that wasn't what I wanted, that I saw this as an opportunity for us to heal together and create something wonderful they neither of us could imagine. But I wasn't taking the easy way out, I was working on myself and my own trauma to be a whole person for myself and subsequently for those that I love and I kept coming back to him always returning trying a, b, c, d. But so far nothing had worked, nothing was good enough. I have asked him multiple times, "What can I do, what can I say that will allow you to believe that you are important to me, that I love you and that I care about your well being? He says, I don't know.
I have allowed myself to be on punishment for 8 months now. I have apologized for the choices I made that led me to a mental health crisis that did in fact impact him. I have and continue to work on myself and have broken my former DA pattern of being an emotionally unavailable, detached independent machine. During these 8 months slowly but surely shared my perspective of the relationship (which I avoided as a DA and had remained silent) and things that I feel impacted our relationship in an effort to show that it will take 2. When I asked him what/he had contributed to the dimise of previous relationships. He said, " it wasn't what I wanted." again no self awareness, not ownership no responsibility......it's always the other person.
This man has been the love of my life in so many ways. He is the first person that I learned to have any trust in (as much as I could as a DA). After this weeks events this relationship may be truly over. I know that it is probably best because I want to be in a relationship where I am known, heard, seen and valued just like anyone else. If he had a willingness to work on it I would be all in, but without that accountability, personal awareness and commitment to put in the work it is a no go for me anyway.........still my heart is broken.
PS I know that I am healing. As a DA I never felt any kinda way about a breakup since I never invested a lot.
I am a healing DA and I have made tremendous progress in coming closer and closer to secure. I am proud of myself happy. I am now completely in tune with my emotions, which is why I am feeling so much distress and communicating it. I am the most vulnerable than I have ever allowed myself to be with him even though we are in a place where we don't know if we will end up together. I have a voice and can and do communicate honestly and openly.
But it's this he can't make up his mind if he loves me or is terrified of me that drives me crazy. Through our 8 month separation ( he is working out of state) I have remain devoted, committed and loyal. As of today neither of us has ventured out of the relationship. He tells me that I am the most loyal, committed trust worthy partner he has every known. When he is in distress he comes to me for comfort and then says, " I don't want to be hurt again". and that I can't come back to the relationship as it was. We both agree on the fact that we don't want to come back to the old. I'm a new person now. He blames me for where we are today. (I had a mental health crisis and fully admit that I was not mentally or emotionally present) and is angry and resentful saying that if I had just "listened" to him all of it could have been avoided. I have tried on multiple occasion to explain the intensity and confusion that I experienced and how I was like a wet sponge that could not absorb any more water.... that I could not hear him. He refused to take any responsibility for the relationship failure saying I broke it and its my job to fix it. Yet a relationship involves 2 people, one person cannot fix it alone. I told him that if I wanted to take the easy way out I would just end the relationship, but that wasn't what I wanted, that I saw this as an opportunity for us to heal together and create something wonderful they neither of us could imagine. But I wasn't taking the easy way out, I was working on myself and my own trauma to be a whole person for myself and subsequently for those that I love and I kept coming back to him always returning trying a, b, c, d. But so far nothing had worked, nothing was good enough. I have asked him multiple times, "What can I do, what can I say that will allow you to believe that you are important to me, that I love you and that I care about your well being? He says, I don't know.
I have allowed myself to be on punishment for 8 months now. I have apologized for the choices I made that led me to a mental health crisis that did in fact impact him. I have and continue to work on myself and have broken my former DA pattern of being an emotionally unavailable, detached independent machine. During these 8 months slowly but surely shared my perspective of the relationship (which I avoided as a DA and had remained silent) and things that I feel impacted our relationship in an effort to show that it will take 2. When I asked him what/he had contributed to the dimise of previous relationships. He said, " it wasn't what I wanted." again no self awareness, not ownership no responsibility......it's always the other person.
This man has been the love of my life in so many ways. He is the first person that I learned to have any trust in (as much as I could as a DA). After this weeks events this relationship may be truly over. I know that it is probably best because I want to be in a relationship where I am known, heard, seen and valued just like anyone else. If he had a willingness to work on it I would be all in, but without that accountability, personal awareness and commitment to put in the work it is a no go for me anyway.........still my heart is broken.
PS I know that I am healing. As a DA I never felt any kinda way about a breakup since I never invested a lot.