ohboy
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Post by ohboy on Aug 17, 2023 20:00:47 GMT
I'm a healing DA. I have been in my healing process for over a year. My emotions are on the surface and I think I am doing a good job of not running from them. I am going thru what I believe will be the ending of a 5 year relationship.
For the first time in my life I am feeling so many emotions simultaneously.Grief, sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, you name it and it's coming in waves. I typically do my devotion and prayer early in the am to ground myself. But ya'll this is something else. I can feel my heart starting to thump and this sensation in my stomach 4-5 times a day.
My therapist has encourage me to let it flow, so I'm just gonna take care of myself by allowing myself to pour all of this out. I've had hurt before and have climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep but I always did it in secret, not wanting anyone to see me like this..... in my past I considered showing any signs of weakness a bad thing. Today I consider it strength to exchange connection with other for mutual support. ! My healing has allowed me to reach out for support! I called my sister told her how much I would love to have her and her lap to cry in.....and when I spoke those words I knew that I didn't need her physically. What I needed was to share with another human being that I was hurting, struggling.
Healing comes in baby steps ..... and I took another step today
You can too
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2023 22:53:21 GMT
I'm a healing DA. I have been in my healing process for over a year. My emotions are on the surface and I think I am doing a good job of not running from them. I am going thru what I believe will be the ending of a 5 year relationship. For the first time in my life I am feeling so many emotions simultaneously.Grief, sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, you name it and it's coming in waves. I typically do my devotion and prayer early in the am to ground myself. But ya'll this is something else. I can feel my heart starting to thump and this sensation in my stomach 4-5 times a day. My therapist has encourage me to let it flow, so I'm just gonna take care of myself by allowing myself to pour all of this out. I've had hurt before and have climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep but I always did it in secret, not wanting anyone to see me like this..... in my past I considered showing any signs of weakness a bad thing. Today I consider it strength to exchange connection with other for mutual support. ! My healing has allowed me to reach out for support! I called my sister told her how much I would love to have her and her lap to cry in.....and when I spoke those words I knew that I didn't need her physically. What I needed was to share with another human being that I was hurting, struggling. Healing comes in baby steps ..... and I took another step today You can too I remember very well what it was like to me to make that shift into being vulnerable and asking for support, coming from a broken place instead of a stoic or "I've fuckin' got this" place. It was profound and felt raw and messy and inappropriate actually, but somehow a relief as well. Keep going, good job. It's so uncomfortably comforting to admit you're sad, scared, hurting. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2023 22:57:57 GMT
I felt so dumb, sometimes crazy and flawed for it.
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ohboy
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Post by ohboy on Aug 18, 2023 5:11:16 GMT
I'm also having a challenge to remain in my "feelings", I keep wanting to go back into my head, thinking, analyzing, trying to make logic out of chaos. Its been a battle all day and I have to consciously make a choice to get out of my head!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2023 12:57:45 GMT
I'm also having a challenge to remain in my "feelings", I keep wanting to go back into my head, thinking, analyzing, trying to make logic out of chaos. Its been a battle all day and I have to consciously make a choice to get out of my head! It seems to me like you are very activated maybe in flight mode. So maybe in a Disorganized attachment coping? My issue was dismissing to the point of denial and detachment, of things critically important to pay attention to in myself and others. So I didn't have overwrought thinking, but a turning away from. Of course I've had a lot of mental defense going on, too, in avoidance. But you seem on the boards to be triggered to a more anxious state which can happen in DA coping as well. |
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ohboy
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Post by ohboy on Aug 19, 2023 0:01:38 GMT
You are right, I am feeling Anxious. My normal MO as a DA was to lead with my head, with logic and analysis. If there was a problem fix it. I had no need to have any emotions or feelings about it. Professionally my career is in Corporate People and Organizational Problem solving. If you've ever watched the show Billions, I'm "Wendy". I was often called in to solve big problems because I was so good at being detached in the middle of them. Everyone else would be in a panic and I would be the calming force that could stabilize and get them focused. This actually only served to reinforce by emotional detachment.... I was rewarded for it. I never really liked working on teams, cause there was always folks that didn't do their part and I had little tolerance for that. But I was also comfortable talking to them about it and setting expectations. I also had the capacity to push and motivate people to perform at their highest level and people competed for the opportunity to work for me. Even then I was not warm and fuzzy. But I made a great effort to connect with people, but maintaining a wall around my personal life.
I had great influence on how people were treated and I cared about the people. I must have done something right, something to display my caring, because I was highly trusted as being ethical, honest and that I could always be trusted to do the right thing. Even if I lost, they knew it was not without a fight. I'm use to being in charge, having cared for an alcoholic mother from the time I was 12, leading does scare me.
Somehow this doesn't transition over to my personal life.... in intimate relationships I have historically gone bust
I got everyone out of the house for a few days so that I can do some self care and don't have to concern myself with taking care of anyone else. I am finding that setting with the emotions, letting them come out feels at times weird, but I find that the physical sensations I experience dissipate when I do (I've been working with a Somanic therapist as well).
BTW I was tested again last week on my attachment style and even under these challenging circumstances my Secure attachment continues to improve 8% and my Avoidant side continues to decrease 7%.....My Anxious side increased 2%. Bingo!
Thank you for the support
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ohboy
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Post by ohboy on Aug 21, 2023 18:46:22 GMT
Thank you for your support last week. It was an emotional roller coaster. I have settled down emotionally. Realizations: My FA partner did not cause my pain, he triggered it. That pain is childhood pain that has been hidden, buried inside of me and is now out in the open. The emotional melt-down I had last week was the result of virtually EVERYTHING I felt as a little girl occurring all at once. Every hurt, every pain. I felt invisible, dismissed, rejected, hurt, angry, disappointed, punished, etc. Although I knew via my therapy session that I had all of these feelings this experience was like being transported backwards in the very moment. I can't even describe it just to say that it was the most emotionally intense experience I have every had in my adult life. I can hardly wait to have therapy this week to discuss it.
Anybody had anything like this?
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 1, 2023 19:21:21 GMT
Hello ohboy,
Sounds like you have been through a lot!
It is great that you can express feelings and are able to seek out help.
Whatever happened in childhood that is not healed, is what we carry with us.
Others can bring those things out. Until we heal them.
Best regards,
Goldilocks
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flore
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Post by flore on Oct 23, 2023 13:22:25 GMT
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