How Can I Communicate It

I am not taking any comments as rude, I value the insights even though they may be different than I would expect.  

I think I should provide more clarify on his relationship with my niece.  My niece lived with us for 4 years.  She somewhat views us as her "parents".  During the Covid isolation in CA, the intense work stress, family deaths and a host of other stressors, I experienced some mental health challenges.  I withdrew completely and was in survival mode. They developed a very close bond.   I do not believe that he has shared any intimate details of our relationship.  He is an FA so unlike me a DA you can always tell when he is happy or not, his feelings are always out in the open.  My niece is also FA, she can read him like a book. She is very sensitive to the slightest change in him and it causes her great concern and a whole lot of anxiety.  During the period from Nov - March last year, his behavior was very erratic and there was concern that he would self harm.  She was also present when he was hospitalized with TGA and extremely high blood pressure andsaw how erratic he was refusing to accept the seriousness of his medical issues.  As I told him, " I don't know if it is the memory of what happened or if you are saying things to her but the fact remains that she has such a high level of concern about your mental health state that she feels compelled to break her boundaries and it is causing her a great deal of added stress." I know he loves her and would do anything to support her. He is the first man in her life that she has truly trusted as a father figure.  He came back to me 2 days later and admitted that perhaps he relies on her friendship too much and the he would be more sensitive to over-burdening her.

There is a quagmire here.  My niece is 21 and thinks she is a full fledged adult. She thinks that she can compartmentalize everything neatly including emotions.  As an FA she leans DA, is a classic over-achievers, takes on way to much, is dealing with a mother with a personality disorder and a drug addicted father.   She gets an attitude when she is not included or told what's going on with other family members even when it does not directly impact her in any way. It's the "I'm an adult I can handle it" attitude. Legally she may be an Adult but I know her history, know what she's gone thru, I see her attacking the world as one big task. It is very clear that she is having problems handling her own business 

The good news is that my niece is now back in therapy. My FA partner brought up the thought that maybe he will go to individual therapy if it will help our niece to know that he is ok.  Who knows he may even learn something.

The situation last week completely destabilized me.  Every trigger surfaced simultaneously and it was like I transported back to being a little girl and experienced all of the pain with it. It was the most intense emotional and physical experience I have ever had in my adult life. It was like I was pulling on my mother's leg crying and begging, demanding the attention and comfort all over again and being sent to my room as punishment for being needy.  I spent 4 days racked with sobbs and stomach pain so severe I could hardly stand.  (I had an ulcer at 15). 4 days of agony, no comfort, screaming at my deceased mother telling her what she had denied me, no self soothing worked. I sat in it, felt it all and I made it to the other side and when I did, I realized that HE, my FA partner did not cause that pain.  THAT pain had been there all my life, that pain was caused by a need unfulfilled by my parents, not by him.  It was not his fault.   It completely changed my mind set.

I don't know what's going to happen with my relationship. It may survive or it may die a natural death. But I find it pretty fascinating that the thing that brought me the most confusion has brought me so much clarity.  Something to be said about running towards the pain instead of away from it.

Can't wait to discuss this in this weeks therapy