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Post by flowerpoww on Dec 18, 2017 22:33:29 GMT
I need to vent, I am so sick of the back and forth. It has been going on for a year now. He has no problem finding ways out of my life and ditching me and being okay with that, but whenever I decide to cut the cord and move on, he suddenly decides that he cares about me and that I'm important to him and starts contacting me frequently.
Why, when I take a stand for myself, does he decide he needs me? Why does he only show that he cares when I'm ignoring him or when I'm dating someone else?
The past couple months I was in a relationship with someone else. The FA would contact me on a near daily basis via text to "chat". Always checking in about my relationship status. Of course, he would make subtle digs at the new guy, trying to make himself seem better. He would make passive comments that suggested I should break up with this new guy, that this guy didn't deserve me. Things ended up not working out with the new guy, we split amicably. And literally the next day, the FA froze me out.
I called him out on the hot and cold behavior finally, because I was sick of it. He came up with a variety of excuses for his sudden reversal:
"There is always this "other" component to us when we talk, and it makes it hard for us to be just friends"
What 'other' component? I never came onto him while I was in a relationship. He, on the other hand, would make suggestive comments and try to push conversations in a more intimate direction, NOT ME. He is the one who was trying to be more than friends.
"You are too easy to fall into"
"I need boundaries. I'm sorry, my selfishness and ego didn't allow me to build the boundaries I should have that would have been healthier"
Yet HE was always the one trying to push the boundaries, not me! But in the past when I would respond to his advances positively, he'd eventually disappear.
"I guess I cut contact after you broke up with him because it was easier to draw a line with him in the picture"
I then asked him if it was safer for him to talk to me when he assumed I was unavailable. He didn't answer.
Then I told him I'm sick of his back and forth and mixed messages and him stringing me on for a year. He played dumb and said he thought we were just casual friends this whole time. So I cut off contact, told him nicely to have a good life. Now a couple weeks later he is trying to contact me again. First he sent me a link to a random article. Then, he sent me a link to a funny youtube video. Then, he sent me a message asking if we could talk on the phone (he hates talking on the phone) because he did some thinking and want to clarify some things he's said. Then, he sent me a message about how I have a special place in his heart, he's scared of falling in love with me, he misses my kindness and warmth, he's scared he will end up alone forever.
I did not respond to anything but I am sitting here shaking my head. What is WRONG with these people? Is he just trying to manipulate me to comfort him or validate him when he needs it? Then ditches me when he has his fix? I don't get it! He didn't want a relationship, he wanted me to pull away so I did, but now he's moping like a puppy dog waiting for me to console him. We've done this 500 times now! How do these people even manage in life??? I am completely fed up with this indecisive crap!
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Post by yasmin on Dec 18, 2017 23:16:43 GMT
Just take comfort that it's not you! You're describing exactly how I have felt and I honestly don't think they know they're even doing it. My only regret is not walking away REALLY early because he was so confusing. Here's an example of when we were first dating (direct transcript of messages backup up on my phone...), looking back, how did I not think this was weird? he totally contradicts himself and has me jumping through hoops... Me: I don't have sex with people unless the dating is exclusive, I am sorry, that's a firm rule.
Him: I understand how you feel, but I don't think it's me. I have quite a lot of free time, and I want to be happy. Prematurely emotionally intense relationships don't feel right for me. I have to give things time to grow or not. I don't want to see you just because I didn't like being on my own at home and you aren't happy with me seeing anyone else. It's not healthy for me.
Me: I am happy for you to see other people, but not for you to be sleeping with me at the time. It's your decision whether you want to see me or not on that basis
Him: It’s too intense. My barriers come down slowly. You need to give it time, spend time together and see how we both feel.TWO WEEKS LATER…. Him: Are we in a relationship?
Me: Well no, not yet anyway, we’re dating
Him: It doesn’t feel like a relationship. Maybe a something is missing? I find you very attractive but maybe it needs more intimacy?
Me: you were the one who said you wanted to go slowly and date other people…you're confusing me here...
Him: I know but, the problem is I find you so attractive physically that it clouds my judgement on whether or not we’re a good match. Aren't we supposed to also have a friendship?
Me: We have had three dates. You’re dating someone else at the same time…how much intimacy did you want?
Me: Why don’t we just date a bit more and see how we feel? I’d like to spend more time together but you've put these barriers here which I think have blocked us from having the intimacy you say you feel we are missing. I'd like to try a relationship?
Him: It doesn’t feel quite right.
Me: ok  Can you tell me why?
Him: It’s too intense. I worry about how that would play out in the future, five years down the road.
Me: Ok, so we can stop seeing each other then?
Him: That's a bit abrupt isn't it?
GAAAHHH....reading this back I can see from day one he was absolutely impossible. Imagine this conversation after THREE dates?!!! He wanted me but absolutely could NOT just give it a go or just behave in any way that made it remotely possible for us to get closer and then he tried to blame it on me because we weren't close, like something lacking in me made that happen. Maybe a kind of gaslighting? Over the course of a year, these contradictory conversations just became the norm. He'd come back saying he missed me, regretted losing me, how much he wanted a romantic weekend away with me, how much he wanted to stroke my hair. He'd spend ages sitting holding my hand or kissing me and then he'd say "We're just friends" if I asked him if he wanted to try again. There was nothing "friends" about it, but he made me feel crazy. Looking back I honestly think there was zero I could have done. He didn't want to fall in love with anybody and if he came back now it'd be more of the same and he would just find new reasons and new ways to keep on pushing me away. I am sorry your guy is doing this to you...mine does the exact same thing. He comes back and says I was right, that he's lonely, that he's afraid he is bad at relationships and all the maternal stuff comes out of me and I want to take care of him. Then as soon as he has me back, he rejects me again (each time worse and more cruel than the last). Why is he doing it? Because he likes you and he misses you. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 18, 2017 23:40:23 GMT
A year on from there...the conversations are different but equally frustrating and annoying... Him: I am just feeling a bit nostalgic and thinking about you.
Me: I’m not feeling really well today so not entirely in the mood for your flirting
Him: I’ll come and stroke your hair, make you hot drinks etc.? I get really down when I am ill. Are you ok emotionally?
Me: Yes I'm fine, just tired. Ha ha, why do you want to take care of me?
Him: I’d enjoy it. It’s my way of providing TLC.
Me: You're being very sweet today
Him: I’m sorry if I seem like a dick more generally. I like you. I always have.
Me: You’re not a dick. You just got spooked I think.
Him: Yes, I did a but, but maybe I get spooked too easily.
Me: Maybe you do....
Him: It was quite pure sexual attraction. You wound me up and I wanted you so badly. Felt very right.
Me: Usually that's the part the guy WANTS to date you 
Him: Maybe when you feel better we could have a romantic trip away somewhere?
A WEEK LATER.... Me: Why don’t we give it a fresh start? I like you, I'd like to give it a go.
Him: Really?
Me: Yes.
Him: Interesting. I really like you and I have a very strong physical desire for you. Is that enough?
Me: Well that's a great place to begin dating someone, isn't it? What are you expecting before you date someone other than liking them and having strong physical desire?
Me: You’ve disappeared. Come back. Stop getting freaked out this is just a conversation. No one has the church booked for the wedding. Chill out.Him: You always freak me out with this stuff! But it is part of who you are and I love you for it
Me: Ha ha, wimp.This just went round in circles but you can see pretty clearly he's not acting like he just wants to be friends and then twists it around to make it seem like I am pressuring him. It's crazy making, illogical, nonsensical behavior. After that conversation he said I was too intense and came on too strong. A couple of days before he'd been asking to to go on a romantic trip with him. It's like a conversational word salad. His only objective is to basically chase me, and then when he gets me tell me all the reasons it's wrong. No wonder it's drained me emotionally. I am glad I looked all this up, it reminds me of how impossible he was! |
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Post by flowerpoww on Dec 19, 2017 1:12:27 GMT
Oh my gosh Yasmin those sound like conversations we have also had! Even sentence by sentence with the contradictory ideas. "Too intense!" He would also say that to me. We were too intense so he couldn't go further with me. I saved some conversations from our early days, it's a funny habit of mine whenever I start dating someone, I save conversations and look back on them years later. I might go back and dust some off and throw them up here lol.
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 1:20:38 GMT
How can it be too intense and not intimate enough at the same time? Lol.....madness. I just kept wondering why he didnt go away!!
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Post by flowerpoww on Dec 19, 2017 2:44:12 GMT
I just went back to look at early conversations and my head is spinning! Why didn't I see the signs before and why didn't I take a hint! My gosh!!! Below are all separate instances where he pushed me away and then somehow we eventually started talking again.
Me: Do you feel better today?
Him: I wish I was. I feel like I'm throwing away something really good, but I'm too afraid to jump in, because I don't want to hurt you in any way
Him: You are too good to be hurt in any way
Me: And this other woman isn't?
Him: I was never looking for more with her than casual, I could see she wanted more, stopped seeing her, and now she swears she only wants casual back. Something about my dick being perfect and she's never had a better lover....
Him: Anyway. I think I'm getting in the way of you being more present with others. I'm taking up too much of your time.
Me: You always say that. What does that mean?
Him: This is where we are. I want to be with you more than anyone in so long, especially because of how we communicate, I think you are an incredible woman. But I'm not sure I can offer you what you want, I think I can, but I'm too afraid to take that risk. So then what do we do. Keep talking daily? And it's crazy I get so jealous when I hear about other men....
Me: We're just friends right now, right? You're seeing people, I'm seeing people. There's no expectation of anything. What's the problem here?
Him: I think I'm going to have to stop talking to you. Seeing you get on with your life, being so strong and open is hard to see. Because I want that and I can't be like that right now. So I will leave you in peace to get on with your life.
Him: I will miss you very much.
Me: I see a pattern here. You push and you pull. Please get help.
Him: And you bite when your upset. That's your pattern, No need to hit below the belt.
Him: There was no need to go there
====================
Him: If you remember in the very beginning I said I was mainly looking for casual. I was open and clear about that
Me: Sorry for pushing you. I guess I'm attracted to unavailable people.
Him: Well your date tonight isn't unavailable is he? Anyway doesn't matter not my business.
Me: Should I block your #? I can't deal with the hot and cold, back and forth anymore.
Him: Do what's best for you if that's what you need. I don't but if you do it's fine.
Me: Must be nice.
Him: The only thing I'll say is if I was able to give you what you want I'd like to know I'd be able to reach you
Him: What's crazy is that you kept telling me you where okay with being friends, that it was cool
Me: Yeah?
Him: So that's not true anymore?
Me: Well you literally just told me you're not okay with being friends. So it doesn't matter.
Him: Yeah because I had a feeling it would get to this point where now you are angry and it does matter.
Him: Block me [flowerpoww]. It's best for you.
Me: Wtf? Are you testing me? I am so confused right now.
Him: I just care about you, and it's hard for me in my situation to know you are able to at least look for the kind of relationship you want and to know that you are seeing other men
Him: I didn't expect us to end up here, but it's not how we began our conversations together. Which is why we are here now.
Him: I think we were both complicit in talking to each other again, but I'm sorry for not being able to continue, it's just getting harder
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Him: It's fine of you need to make this about me and this one dimensional, I get it xx
Me: There's nothing one dimensional about what I said. It's not about me. You said so yourself
Him: [flowerpoww]. Stop. Not necessary. We said goodbye. We both get why. It's great you've come to terms
Me: You said goodbye. I was left to come to terms
Me: You know what? Nevermind. Forget I said anything. I don't need to deal with emotional abuse anymore. I was trying to extend a hand. You don't want that it's fine. Be well.
Him: I emotionally abused you by being upfront and honest from the very beginning?
Him: You need to slow down a little tonight
Me: No but by suddenly and unexpectedly pulling back and refusing to engage with me. And then act like I'm some kind of crazy stalker
Him: Ok.
Me: Seriously, screw you [FA].
Him: Ok 😞
Him: That's unfair to say I shut you out. You know why I needed to, and not just for my sake. You've just made this all very one sided.
Him: I'm really sorry you feel so abruptly cut off. I didn't know what else to do. Things between us were just getting more and more intense
Him: And I can't imagine if that had kept going it would have ended without us getting pretty hurt. Much more so than this is [flowerpoww].
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Post by summer on Dec 19, 2017 2:46:43 GMT
"This just went round in circles but you can see pretty clearly he's not acting like he just wants to be friends and then twists it around to make it seem like I am pressuring him. It's crazy making, illogical, nonsensical behavior. After that conversation he said I was too intense and came on too strong. A couple of days before he'd been asking to to go on a romantic trip with him. It's like a conversational word salad. His only objective is to basically chase me, and then when he gets me tell me all the reasons it's wrong.
No wonder it's drained me emotionally."
Yasmin, don't get sucked back into this guy's orbit. He is all smoke and mirrors and no substance. He is not genuine boyfriend material. Like you say here, and I think very accurately, the point of his game is to chase you. That's all. He doesn't ever want to actually catch you, or actually have any genuine intimacy, that comes from a real relationship where time passes and two people really get to know each other. He is a Seducer, and my guess is that you are one of a rotating handful of women he plays his game with.
Everything about the way he texts you is manipulative, like where he asks how you're doing emotionally. Total boundary violation, from someone who hasn't established that kind of intimacy with you yet. Why does he have the right to know what's going on with you on a deep personal level? It sounds like you are detached enough from his nonsense that you are able to ignore him this time around. Good... if you want a real boyfriend, this is not the guy. He is playing at love, but is totally uninterested in the real thing.
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 7:56:35 GMT
Flowerpoww your conversations sound like he's charming and sweet talking you. Mine never did That! He was always very clinical, never used any emotion and most of the time just kept telling me I was wrong for him. The most I ever got from him was "I like you". He didn't have words!
Summer yes of course he has a rotation of women and we was always manipulative. I do think this time I've wised up to his limitations and motivations and I won't feel sorry for him.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 15:44:07 GMT
This is interesting. I actually see pull on both sides of the conversations. Both looking for reassurance and neither getting the response they are looking for and then pulling away. Too much distrust on both sides of these conversations.
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 22:19:53 GMT
This is interesting. I actually see pull on both sides of the conversations. Both looking for reassurance and neither getting the response they are looking for and then pulling away. Too much distrust on both sides of these conversations. Can you? that's interesting. I remember at the time I wasn't feeling distrust or a need for reassurance so it's strange it was interpreted as that. I was feeling more intrigued and then later frustrated but maybe his interpretation was more like yours! |
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Post by stavs on Dec 23, 2017 20:37:45 GMT
Wow Yasmin, just reading those messages my first inclinitation is that you need to get away from this guy and move on. Mixed signals everywhere and he keeps focusing on physical. You deserve better than that for sure. Block his number and never look back.
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Post by yasmin on Dec 23, 2017 22:44:08 GMT
Wow Yasmin, just reading those messages my first inclinitation is that you need to get away from this guy and move on. Mixed signals everywhere and he keeps focusing on physical. You deserve better than that for sure. Block his number and never look back. One of our very first convetsations he said he found it much easier to connect physically than emotionally. I think he fills his need for closeness with sex because he's freaked out by the emotions. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 23, 2017 23:31:07 GMT
Wow Yasmin, just reading those messages my first inclinitation is that you need to get away from this guy and move on. Mixed signals everywhere and he keeps focusing on physical. You deserve better than that for sure. Block his number and never look back. One of our very first convetsations he said he found it much easier to connect physically than emotionally. I think he fills his need for closeness with sex because he's freaked out by the emotions. Thats a shame. Sex for me is more about the emotional connection than the physical. Physical connection is easier for some people because they get their needs met and can just move on. I hope you just find someone better that will be more respectful and give you what you want and deserve. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 23, 2017 23:45:20 GMT
It's more about emotional connection for me too Stavs, but i think you're also judging him from your own perspective and for you that's easy / wonderful and for him it's terrifying.
He has never had a relationship in his 47 years that was emotionally close and loving. Never been in love. I'm sure he'd really love to have that in his life but he finds it really hard for whatever reason.
I don't see it as me finding someone better because I don't see his attachment problems as making him "worse". He's bad at emotional intimacy but he's a pretty great human being in so many ways.
If he just wanted to sleep with me I'm sure he'd have told me whatever I wanted to hear and he never did that.
He actually just always seemed in a permanent state of perpetual panic.
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Post by stavs on Dec 24, 2017 1:40:43 GMT
He actually just always seemed in a permanent state of perpetual panic. Thats a shame. I couldnt imagine being like that all of the time. Although, being anxious all the time regarding my current relationship, i can somehow understand that. It's amazing the way our brains create these torture chambers for us. |
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Can you tell me why?
