6 years in….how is my journey going

I came here after a breakup that had me swirling deep in my over active nervous system….desperate to find answers as to why a guy I dated for 10.5 months had broken up with me.  I had agreed to continue a “friendship” post breakup even through I still had romantic feelings for him and even though I had never previously agreed to such an arrangement.  I thought, like many who find their way here…that understanding his attachment style would finally provide answers that would give me closure, while also secretly hoping those answers would provide a map to win him back.  It didn’t!  But what it did do was challenge me to turn my attention from yet another failed relationship where I overanalyzed the guy I dated, to turning back to my own insecure attachment.  For decades I truly believed I fell squarely in the AP attachment camp….I would always take the blame (ever since I was a little girl), I had great hope for all my doomed relationships, I tended to view others in a higher esteem then myself…..but there was one relationship I feared…and that was my faith relationship….I absolutely lived in fear of being punished…I felt like I was a feral cat in a cage.  The distrust was palpable.  That is when some astute members on these boards corrected my self assessment….I have FA insecure attachment with a leaning in relationships towards Anxious and a leaning in other scenarios as Avoidant.  This pendulum swing is what is so challenging in FA attachment.  Trust of others is hard, trust of self is even harder.  The steps I have taken in the last 6 years are…1. Therapy.  I have a weekly session with an SE therapist who helps me to work on trauma stored deep in my body 2. Medication…there is a history of low serotonin and going on an SSRI truly changed my ability to take pauses before reacting.. 3. Self forgiveness….I still swing on the pendulum at times….but I have accepted that these swings have a long history behind them of self protection.  So I don’t get angry at myself when they happen…I forgive myself and move forward.  4. Hobbies/friendship….it has been important for me to find things I enjoy and people I enjoy doing them with. 5. Forgiving those who hurt me….I now understand that I have the opportunity to forgive my parents because they also have insecure attachments.  

To me, the healing of attachment insecurity comes through an understanding that you are not your attachment…you are a person who is navigating through behaviors as a a result of trauma (neglect, abuse, codependency etc).  Each day is an opportunity to be curious, to be aware, to learn and to forgive.