Coming back to tell happy story of love
Sept 12, 2023 10:42:48 GMT
via mobile
aislingt, alexandra, and 2 more like this
Post by amber on Sept 12, 2023 10:42:48 GMT
Hi all!
I’m here to tell my story of finding a (mostly) secure relationship after having a horrendous experience with an FA about four years ago.i know people don’t always come back to tell
Their story and I received so much help from people here, especially Alexandra, that I wanted to give back in the hope I can give hope to others that change is possible. I was almost 39 when I met my partner and terrified I was too old to find a good r/ship.had utterly convinced myself all the good men were taken and it was likely I would remain single forever.
I came to the forum at that time and learned a lot about myself, you can see my story if you look at my old posts. I have never really had a secure r/ship,always attracted avoidants/ FA. Had a very abusive mother who is likely a narc/BPD,so lots of attachment injuries from that.
One year ago I met my current partner on tinder (gasp,lol) after spending two years on and off online dating. I literally dated about 80 men in that time.
I would say my partner is secure, with some anxious tendencies. It’s definelty the best r/ship I’ve had so far and we are in couples counselling to try to be proactive about making our r/ship work. My partner is super open and emotionally intelligent, doesn’t avoid or distance, and is very loving and able to vulnerable.of course he isn’t perfect but he ticks all of the boxes in the emotional safe way that I need
I worked really really hard on my attachment and r/ship issues. I’m going to list what I did below with the aim of giving some idea of what was helpful. Of course everyone is different and will need different things but just to give some context:
-saw an attachment/trauma specialised therapist. She told me the number one thing needed to heal my attachment was self love. —-
-The second best thing I did upon her recommendation was take six months completely off dating to focus on myself.
At first I thought this wouldn’t make much difference and I was scared at losing precious time. In this time I totally let go of it all. All the fears, all the worries about being single. I found myself really enjoying it,much to my suprise! And then somehow I stopped caring as much about meeting someone. When I did return to dating I met my partner about two months later.I really think this is a key part of meeting someone suitable. And you can’t force it I don’t think.
-I did the safe and sound protocol three times (Steven Porges developed this, he is the one who developed the poly vagal theory).I did this alongside some somatic/SE stuff with a therapist who combines both modalities. I also did it at home my
Myself where I would just listen to it every day or so.
-I did an online attachment group that ran for three months,run by an attachment specialist
-I hired a dating coach, researched the crap out of how to do dating well,and had a good strategy for how to date online.
- my strategy was:I would always have a phone call first,and only if I thought it went well would I meet in person. If at any stage in the chat or call the person became flaky or I got an off vibe, I wouldn’t take it any further. If the communication wasn’t mostly equal and they weren’t putting in effort, it was a no. If they were late,unreliable, or showed any other signs of poor behaviour at any stage in the dating process,I ended it.I started to really value myself and had high expectations for that I was seeking .I got good at being resilient and patient, and took breaks when I started getting cynical
-I was very honest and upfront with my current partner about what I was looking for, what I wanted in a r/ship and put healthy boundaries in from the get go
That’s about it! I do think a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. I wish you all the very best and hope you can find love and joy in your life,whether that be single or partnered.
Amber
I’m here to tell my story of finding a (mostly) secure relationship after having a horrendous experience with an FA about four years ago.i know people don’t always come back to tell
Their story and I received so much help from people here, especially Alexandra, that I wanted to give back in the hope I can give hope to others that change is possible. I was almost 39 when I met my partner and terrified I was too old to find a good r/ship.had utterly convinced myself all the good men were taken and it was likely I would remain single forever.
I came to the forum at that time and learned a lot about myself, you can see my story if you look at my old posts. I have never really had a secure r/ship,always attracted avoidants/ FA. Had a very abusive mother who is likely a narc/BPD,so lots of attachment injuries from that.
One year ago I met my current partner on tinder (gasp,lol) after spending two years on and off online dating. I literally dated about 80 men in that time.
I would say my partner is secure, with some anxious tendencies. It’s definelty the best r/ship I’ve had so far and we are in couples counselling to try to be proactive about making our r/ship work. My partner is super open and emotionally intelligent, doesn’t avoid or distance, and is very loving and able to vulnerable.of course he isn’t perfect but he ticks all of the boxes in the emotional safe way that I need
I worked really really hard on my attachment and r/ship issues. I’m going to list what I did below with the aim of giving some idea of what was helpful. Of course everyone is different and will need different things but just to give some context:
-saw an attachment/trauma specialised therapist. She told me the number one thing needed to heal my attachment was self love. —-
-The second best thing I did upon her recommendation was take six months completely off dating to focus on myself.
At first I thought this wouldn’t make much difference and I was scared at losing precious time. In this time I totally let go of it all. All the fears, all the worries about being single. I found myself really enjoying it,much to my suprise! And then somehow I stopped caring as much about meeting someone. When I did return to dating I met my partner about two months later.I really think this is a key part of meeting someone suitable. And you can’t force it I don’t think.
-I did the safe and sound protocol three times (Steven Porges developed this, he is the one who developed the poly vagal theory).I did this alongside some somatic/SE stuff with a therapist who combines both modalities. I also did it at home my
Myself where I would just listen to it every day or so.
-I did an online attachment group that ran for three months,run by an attachment specialist
-I hired a dating coach, researched the crap out of how to do dating well,and had a good strategy for how to date online.
- my strategy was:I would always have a phone call first,and only if I thought it went well would I meet in person. If at any stage in the chat or call the person became flaky or I got an off vibe, I wouldn’t take it any further. If the communication wasn’t mostly equal and they weren’t putting in effort, it was a no. If they were late,unreliable, or showed any other signs of poor behaviour at any stage in the dating process,I ended it.I started to really value myself and had high expectations for that I was seeking .I got good at being resilient and patient, and took breaks when I started getting cynical
-I was very honest and upfront with my current partner about what I was looking for, what I wanted in a r/ship and put healthy boundaries in from the get go
That’s about it! I do think a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. I wish you all the very best and hope you can find love and joy in your life,whether that be single or partnered.
Amber