Sister Stuff Take 2

I'll give an extreme example of how I deal with boundaries, I'm not saying it's the best or only way but it's how I create space and peace around me.

An obviously disordered guy is in a group of acquaintances at a local venue where my partner and I enjoy our hobby.

We've been friendly with him. He's got extreme emotional regulation issues and literally threatens to kill people when he feels wronged. Yeah, it's that bad. It's fukkin criminal.

So my approach? I can't control him, lecture him, blah blah blah. I can state my observation and what I'm going to do about it.

So I say to him, Look, (first name), I've heard from several people that you have made homicidal threats. I want to make clear that if I ever witness you making threats, I will video record your behavior and report your behavior to local law enforcement. (Didn't ask him to stop, provided a consequence which is in my control, it's my side.)

The objective fact is that our laws protect individuals from such threats. So I stated that. The law doesn't stop him from violating it, it provides a consequence.

His response was chapters of texted vitriol. I simply restated my position and then put a boundary around his contact with me... I told him that I want no interaction with him and I blocked him.

He's at large in the community, where he's allowed to be a totally disordered asshole, the line being criminal behavior. I've not been afraid of him because it's all narcissistic rage or something. I've not heard a peep about any further threats. I don't interact with him if I see him around.

I get that its an extreme example. My point is, even in a close relationship... people are going to be who and what they are and and radical acceptance of that is crucial to your own peace, as is being who you are and determining what boundaries you can live with. No one is obliged to accept our opinions about them and adjust accordingly to make us comfortable or improve our relationship with them. Even when there is a freaking law about it, people break actual laws all the time. We have the responsibility to determine where we stand and say so, in as soft or as hard a manner as we see fit. Then they can be whoever and however they choose and know what our response will be.

I had anger and a feeling of injustice and the need to protect prior to confronting this guy. I KNEW I couldn't control his behavior and demand that he stop, how ridiculous is it to think I could make a demand of this unreasonable guy or tell him what to do. I'd likely just receive a threat (which I'm unafraid of but still). But I could make a promise to him and to myself, about what my response would be if I encountered the problem behavior.

I've got complete peace now. I don't wonder how to handle it, I sensed my discomfort, addressed it, and know exactly what I'll do going forward. I'm unperturbed because the behavior stopped. No idea why no one else thought of this, he was doing that crap a long time.

See what I mean? If someone calls you and annoys you, then you have a decision to make about that. There's no use complaining, feeling victimized, analyzing them, whatever. If you're uncomfortable, it's on you to say so and choose a way to remove yourself from the instance of it. It's not up to you to correct them or get them to see the light, which in most cases is very subjective. Ordinary interactions aren't typically governed by law, but even if they are all we can do is hold someone accountable to it.

Basically boundaries hold us accountable to our own responsibilities to ourselves. If someone can align that's great. If not, the burden us still on us to maintain our own comfort with them. At least that's how i see it.

Relationships with a mutual dedication to healthy intimacy don't require so much. A good indicator of health is how hard it is to get along and if the other person is demonstrating an interest in improving the dynamic. If they aren't then you are barking up the wrong tree to try to heal a relationship with them. At that point its about your own relationship with yourself and setting limits to protect your well being.

In a relationship I'd like to preserve, I'd follow the original template of I feel.. I would like....

If that didn't help its Plan B which is protecting my well being with boundaries.

This is really helpful thank you!

Honestly, this feels so basic and yet when given a set of "instructions," like this it changes everything. Like I can have a framework from which to operate with my sister.

She says something, I may ask for clarification (not assume) and try to understand and then be responsible for my own behavior around that.

I guess I just automatically go to having to explain myself. 

I also don't always act or think in the moment, it is usually a delay so that is a problem. 

The anxiety thing was because my sister called and texted me repeatedly. And then complained about my parents in some way, and I suggested to her it was more her anxiety (that she had control over) not my parents (ironic, huh?) and she was like, "I don't have anxiety!" But yes I get what you mean. It's definitely a game changer.

I can actually relate very well to this, having raised 4 kids without the support of a partner. In fact, combating the destructive influence of dad. Severe.

And I was surrounded by partnered people who looked like they had it easier (but had it hard in their own ways. They all have wounds, they all lived their wounds just like I did).

It comes down to choices I made when I was unaware and the consequences of those choices. Did I deserve misery? No, of course not. It's a natural consequence of the choices I made to have kids with someone dangerous. I've learned. And I've been forced to accept that my life is a consequence of both circumstances beyond my control and circumstances within my control.

Yeah, if you want to call it Karma that's what it is, I accept it. The karma of a really tragic toxic family of origin, my survival responses to it, the choices I made which were the best I could do at the time but which ultimately proved to be poor choices. All of it is consequence just as my health and healing and peace is a consequence of overcoming it.

I had sex and conceived with a partner, that partner abandoned us and passed along a genetic inheritance and an emotional one that's been very challenging. But I accept it. That's where the peace is for me, long ago I just realized that we all have different paths and mine is mine and I accept it and have made the best of it thst I can. It's paid off. I can't undo all that history but I like the looks of my present life and my future.

FWIW, everybody in this life suffers, some more than others but there is plenty of suffering in the lives around you that you might not be privy to. And plenty of people have it worse. A lady I know had a kid that is non verbal autistic, with MS, with a no-good partner that left her high and dry. She's got two other kids not disabled. She works several jobs and has to provide constant care for her 20 year old non verbal autistic daughter. Even has to take her to work with her sometimes. I have no idea why it is so heartbreakingky difficult for some. All she and any of us can do is what is required daily, while continuing to find meaning and some sort of resolve. It's just the nature of life on this planet.

I have pondered the same things you do, and it always leads me to gratitude for what isn't worse. And gratitude for small blessings. Gratitude annoys some people, some will say it isn't enough. But sometimes it's what gets you through a day without wanting to off yourself. I'm not in that space these days but bet your bottom dollar I have been.

I'm going to pause here before reading more and reflect on what I just wrote about - how I don't trust my discomfort. Because that one is huge for me, and I think potentially the underpinning of a lot of this (all of it?) .... and also thank you for your time and sharing and support and reflection because it is so profoundly helpful. I really appreciate it and am grateful, @introvert

I'll put my reflections in a separate post.

So because I know you're all dying for this information, lol. I am going to pause and explore this a little - I've touched on it in therapy, understand it from a trauma perspective, live with it every day, and am looking at it from a couple different angles, but I haven't seen it straight in the eye as clearly as I did just now with what @introvert wrote and my insight into how I override discomfort.

There are so many areas where this happens for me. My therapist said I "exile parts" -- I call it overriding or bypassing.

But it is definitely related to the "off-shoots" of this that I've been looking at like the "confusion," the neurodivergence, the "knowing what I know" pieces.

I think overriding discomfort at it's core is a trauma response. It's a survival strategy.

I think I'm also so used to living with discomfort that comfort comes as something quite unfamiliar and has a bit of a shock-quality. Like I've been describing. I seem to have high tolerance for loads of discomfort and no sense of another option - only through others - and my little kid parts consider those people "lucky" or "loved" or "chosen," where I can still remain in discomfort, unnoticed by most (child-like thinking here).

I think largely there has felt like there's not another option so just live with it or soothe (eat, distract, love addiction, etc, whatever) to sort of soothe the pain but that not being in discomfort hasn't felt like an option or something available. Again, I'm always shocked when I see it in others, and I never particularly envy other people's material stuff - only the potential perceived ease, comfort, freedom it might bring them. Which I don't perceive myself as having due to so much constriction and constraint for so many years -- not to be a victim, just stating my reality.

Anyway, when I go into a particular situation around boundaries or interaction with certain others, the inside of my head (yes, the part you've all been waiting for - the lovely landscape of the inside of my mind, lol) goes something like this:

Sister makes comment
I feel a kind of shriveling inside, a gut punch or a hurt
I see it but I disconnect from it in favor of "let's move on from that and maybe there's something else here for me to connect with instead."
Or a voice comes in and says, "Maybe she's right" (implication, I'm wrong)
Or "Oh, I didn't see it that way, that's interesting" and override the discomfort in favor of "valuable information"
Or "okay, ignore that one"
Or "suspended disbelief whereby I kind of freeze and shut down and let the moment pass
Or "Don't be so sensitive. Maybe she didn't mean it that way. Maybe that's just your trigger/problem"
Or "hm. interesting, could be."
Or "don't mind read"

And literally it goes on and on like this. That is a multitude of reactions that can happen in the space of a minute or so. There is no space for "Hey, that made me pretty uncomfortable. I'm going to go with that as the truth/reality and believe myself. And maybe act on it or not"

So that's just one example of what can happen where my discomfort gets pushed out in favor of - must be something wrong with me.

And, because I think this is a potentially important exercise given this (not to put down my sister, but just an example), I can go back and recall very recent times in which I felt very uncomfortable but said nothing, hid it, blamed myself, or just stayed quiet...

-- when she has anxiety about our parents, and calls me to help soothe. I'm uncomfortable because it can feel like a) she doesn't see me b) I'm a human pacifier c) she's not owning her stuff (i.e., hey I'm feeling anxious, do you have a minute to talk?), d) it usually involves going around in all the things we can "do" to fix stuff but not her feeling her feelings around it or actually following through with any of the plans she makes to fix things

-- when she complains about her husband when I would truly give anything to have a supportive partner in my life in all the ways her husband is (not just how I'm perceiving he is)

-- when she takes space to talk about her kids but doesn't ask about mine

-- when there is simply no inquiry into my world - how are you? what's that like? that must be tough, etc.

-- when she makes fun of someone in front of other people

I think my biggest point of "bypass" is "don't be judgmental." "Who cares." And "I am sure I do that too." Or "I will remember that for later to look at the trigger in myself and heal it."

And, as I write this I realize this is less about true "discomfort" as in someone threatening me or a clear boundary violation and me just not "indulging" my sensitivities and kind of overriding them in favor of appearing agreeable or "fine," (sort of masking, I guess).

Having thought about it more, I definitely am much better at boundaries when they are truly needed (for the most part, not always) but this is the kind of stuff where I regularly dismiss myself as judgmental, sensitive, wrong, etc.