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Post by fatalcharm on Dec 19, 2017 0:58:42 GMT
I noticed this phrase used quite a bit here by different people, and it is one my FA ex used a LOT.
Intense what? Fear? Desire? Anxiety? Just "Intense"?
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 1:05:34 GMT
That's all I've heard for a year! It's too intense... I'm too intense...
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cate
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Post by cate on Dec 19, 2017 2:12:02 GMT
The feelings, the closeness.
All of that is ‘intense’ because it’s scary.
Plus remember that avoidants have a limited vocabulary where emotions are concerned so that may we’ll be a catch-all for bunch of things.
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Post by kismett on Dec 19, 2017 2:23:32 GMT
I had a severe friendship cut off from a dear friend who I now realize is an FA. I’m still reeling and recouperating from the trauma I have endured from it. He also said “this is too intense” when I panicked and pleaded to speak to him. I didn’t understand what he meant and made me question if he thought of me this way our whole friendship. Somewhat of a relief to see others experienced this vocabulary too.
It also occurred to me that a lot of the times I talked about my emotions or vulnerabilities he would reply with something cerebral like “fascinating”. Or if by text it would be distancing like “ok that’s cool” or an emoji. “Ok that’s cool” to me opening up about something vulnerable?... it struck me as odd then and I just brushed it off. Really wish I found these boards before everything blew up.
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Post by kismett on Dec 19, 2017 2:25:29 GMT
To clarify:
He cut off our friendship via text abruptly and out of the blue. I responded by saying “can I please call you? I don’t want to lose you as a friend”. To which he responded “I can’t talk right now. I need down time. Even the messages you just sent are too intense.” Which completely triggered me into a panic. (I’m an AP)
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Post by yasmin on Dec 19, 2017 8:06:40 GMT
Maybe it's a good word for saying I don't really like attachment and all that brings with it. I remember having no clue what he meant because there was nothing "intense" going on..we'd had a few polite texts and basic dates when he started pulling out the "too intense" card.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2017 17:09:10 GMT
I am not meaning this to come off negative, but when I say intense, it's a polite way (for me) of saying, you're smothering me. In the past, I only had the intense feeling with APs and I interpreted it as strong attraction in the beginning. As time wore on, the intensity became tension. With secures, I felt bored. Through therapy, I was taught to struggle through the boredom with a secure to get to a relationship that had a better chance of surviving.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 21, 2017 17:44:08 GMT
I am not meaning this to come off negative, but when I say intense, it's a polite way (for me) of saying, you're smothering me. In the past, I only had the intense feeling with APs and I interpreted it as strong attraction in the beginning. As time wore on, the intensity became tension. With secures, I felt bored. Through therapy, I was taught to struggle through the boredom with a secure to get to a relationship that had a better chance of surviving. It makes sense for me....I can be very passionate/intense in my relationships. I think for me...it has come down to a mismatch in where I am at versus my partner. I often felt that I was more into him then he was into me....but I did not know how to reign that in. I guess that is why AP/DA pairing are so mismatched...what feels like enough for one partner is going to feel like smothering to the other and what feels like enough to the other partner feels like abandonment/disinterest to the first. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 21, 2017 18:05:54 GMT
I am not meaning this to come off negative, but when I say intense, it's a polite way (for me) of saying, you're smothering me. In the past, I only had the intense feeling with APs and I interpreted it as strong attraction in the beginning. As time wore on, the intensity became tension. With secures, I felt bored. Through therapy, I was taught to struggle through the boredom with a secure to get to a relationship that had a better chance of surviving. Hi Mary. Is it possible for you to give me your perspective on this because the "too intense" thing was probably the main source of my confusion. Him using these words was a consistent thing throughout our on-off relationship where he would chase after me, then say I / we / it was "too intense" but I think I am pretty honest with myself and I can't see any evidence of smothering or clingy behavior or anything remotely on those lines. As an example, the last time he used the words on me, we had just watched something at the theatre (he invited me) and we were laughing and walking down the street discussing which restaurant to eat in. He stopped walking, kissed me and then started off with " oh but this is just too intense". I think that triggered me getting really angry because I hadn't said anything or done anything and he'd kissed me and not the other way around. Do you think there's any other explanation for repeatedly using these phrases other than smothering? I was probably the total opposite of smothering when I was dating him and just left him to do whatever he wanted. So I came away feeling pretty offended because I felt the accusation was that I was smothering. I am pretty good at admitting my flaws - stubborn, yes, smothering no! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2017 18:25:28 GMT
I am not meaning this to come off negative, but when I say intense, it's a polite way (for me) of saying, you're smothering me. In the past, I only had the intense feeling with APs and I interpreted it as strong attraction in the beginning. As time wore on, the intensity became tension. With secures, I felt bored. Through therapy, I was taught to struggle through the boredom with a secure to get to a relationship that had a better chance of surviving. Hi Mary. Is it possible for you to give me your perspective on this because the "too intense" thing was probably the main source of my confusion. Him using these words was a consistent thing throughout our on-off relationship where he would chase after me, then say I / we / it was "too intense" but I think I am pretty honest with myself and I can't see any evidence of smothering or clingy behavior or anything remotely on those lines. As an example, the last time he used the words on me, we had just watched something at the theatre (he invited me) and we were laughing and walking down the street discussing which restaurant to eat in. He stopped walking, kissed me and then started off with " oh but this is just too intense". I think that triggered me getting really angry because I hadn't said anything or done anything and he'd kissed me and not the other way around. Do you think there's any other explanation for repeatedly using these phrases other than smothering? I was probably the total opposite of smothering when I was dating him and just left him to do whatever he wanted. So I came away feeling pretty offended because I felt the accusation was that I was smothering. I am pretty good at admitting my flaws - stubborn, yes, smothering no! I think what tnr9 said sums it up. What is smothering to one person won't be smothering to someone else. I know I am easily smothered, especially in the beginning. So, "intense" for me is good and "too intense" is bad. The way I would interpret the way he used it in that situation, I would think, he's saying his feelings are too intense for him. I would interpret it as, you are getting into his wall, it's uncomfortable but mainly uncomfortable because he doesn't know if you return the feeling. In my opinion, he's looking for reassurance in that moment, but probably doesn't seem like it, because he may have turned away after he said it or seemed upset. Being on the other side and (thinking completely opposite of a lot of people), I would have taken it as a compliment. I wonder if you had said in that moment, something about liking him or liking the intense feeling, if his reaction would be different? I don't know, I am only speculating. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 21, 2017 20:57:08 GMT
Hi Mary. Is it possible for you to give me your perspective on this because the "too intense" thing was probably the main source of my confusion. Him using these words was a consistent thing throughout our on-off relationship where he would chase after me, then say I / we / it was "too intense" but I think I am pretty honest with myself and I can't see any evidence of smothering or clingy behavior or anything remotely on those lines. As an example, the last time he used the words on me, we had just watched something at the theatre (he invited me) and we were laughing and walking down the street discussing which restaurant to eat in. He stopped walking, kissed me and then started off with " oh but this is just too intense". I think that triggered me getting really angry because I hadn't said anything or done anything and he'd kissed me and not the other way around. Do you think there's any other explanation for repeatedly using these phrases other than smothering? I was probably the total opposite of smothering when I was dating him and just left him to do whatever he wanted. So I came away feeling pretty offended because I felt the accusation was that I was smothering. I am pretty good at admitting my flaws - stubborn, yes, smothering no! I think what tnr9 said sums it up. What is smothering to one person won't be smothering to someone else. I know I am easily smothered, especially in the beginning. So, "intense" for me is good and "too intense" is bad. The way I would interpret the way he used it in that situation, I would think, he's saying his feelings are too intense for him. I would interpret it as, you are getting into his wall, it's uncomfortable but mainly uncomfortable because he doesn't know if you return the feeling. In my opinion, he's looking for reassurance in that moment, but probably doesn't seem like it, because he may have turned away after he said it or seemed upset. Being on the other side and (thinking completely opposite of a lot of people), I would have taken it as a compliment. I wonder if you had said in that moment, something about liking him or liking the intense feeling, if his reaction would be different? I don't know, I am only speculating. Thanks Mary, I appreciate your perspective so much, thank you. It's interesting you would have taken it as a compliment when I took it as criticism of me. He did seem really shocked that I was upset so maybe we were just miscommunication. I think in context the reason I got angry was because I'd been on the receiving end of a lot of hot and cold, push and pull behavior over a prolonged period and when someone does that to you it can make you feel insecure about how they feel about you. I honestly thought he was just saying that there was something wrong with me and I was thinking, "well why are you missing me then you jerk". I regret that I got defensive last night. I wish I had said I liked him, but I think he made me defensive and so I cut him down a bit instead. He just doesn't act / behave or speak like anyone I have ever met before. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2017 21:18:14 GMT
I think what tnr9 said sums it up. What is smothering to one person won't be smothering to someone else. I know I am easily smothered, especially in the beginning. So, "intense" for me is good and "too intense" is bad. The way I would interpret the way he used it in that situation, I would think, he's saying his feelings are too intense for him. I would interpret it as, you are getting into his wall, it's uncomfortable but mainly uncomfortable because he doesn't know if you return the feeling. In my opinion, he's looking for reassurance in that moment, but probably doesn't seem like it, because he may have turned away after he said it or seemed upset. Being on the other side and (thinking completely opposite of a lot of people), I would have taken it as a compliment. I wonder if you had said in that moment, something about liking him or liking the intense feeling, if his reaction would be different? I don't know, I am only speculating. Thanks Mary, I appreciate your perspective so much, thank you. It's interesting you would have taken it as a compliment when I took it as criticism of me. He did seem really shocked that I was upset so maybe we were just miscommunication. I think in context the reason I got angry was because I'd been on the receiving end of a lot of hot and cold, push and pull behavior over a prolonged period and when someone does that to you it can make you feel insecure about how they feel about you. I honestly thought he was just saying that there was something wrong with me and I was thinking, "well why are you missing me then you jerk". I regret that I got defensive last night. I wish I had said I liked him, but I think he made me defensive and so I cut him down a bit instead. He just doesn't act / behave or speak like anyone I have ever met before.
In business, everyone understands what I am saying. In relationships, I have developed the catch phrase, "Ya' know what I'm sayin'", cause my bf rarely does, lol. |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 21, 2017 21:23:11 GMT
Thanks Mary, I appreciate your perspective so much, thank you. It's interesting you would have taken it as a compliment when I took it as criticism of me. He did seem really shocked that I was upset so maybe we were just miscommunication. I think in context the reason I got angry was because I'd been on the receiving end of a lot of hot and cold, push and pull behavior over a prolonged period and when someone does that to you it can make you feel insecure about how they feel about you. I honestly thought he was just saying that there was something wrong with me and I was thinking, "well why are you missing me then you jerk". I regret that I got defensive last night. I wish I had said I liked him, but I think he made me defensive and so I cut him down a bit instead. He just doesn't act / behave or speak like anyone I have ever met before.
In business, everyone understands what I am saying. In relationships, I have developed the catch phrase, "Ya' know what I'm sayin'", cause my bf rarely does, lol. That's a little comforting! I feel pretty bad now, if he wasn't trying to insult me then I sure did overreact  |
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